topic Re: My 19 Year Old Son Blames Me For Everything in Relationship and family issues

My 19 Year Old Son Blames Me For Everything

Loveanimals — Fri, 06 Oct 2023 08:02:03 GMT

I recently posted about my son's issues with drugs. Yesterday I took him to our Doctor. The Doctor was very kind and helpful. He told my son that every single person he has treated for Schizophrenia in his 50 year career, had been drugs users. He told my son to stay away from it and he prescribed a very low dose anti-anxiety medication to get him over the week (withdrawals).

Today I picked my son up from work and he immediately attacked me. He has googled and claims he has schizophrenia? He said it is my fault because I am an 'alcoholic c..t". I am so done with him. Yes I do have a love for alcohol but I am not an alcoholic and he knows that. Anyway....how dare he call me that word!!! Besides the fact that the Dr never once thought he was schizophrenic? He is a total drama queen and his actions are destroying me. He has also said he 'doesn't believe the Dr' about the drugs.....????

The night before his Dr appointment he drank a 2 litre cask of wine and half a bottle of Baileys. This was all whilst I was asleep. This alcohol was hidden and he knows he is not permitted to drink it. But he did anyway and needless to say the next morning he vomited all over the toilet floor... ? Of course I had to clean it up?

I do not know what to do with him anymore. I am starting to hate him. He is an emotional blackmailer and is never grateful for all of the money/sacrifices/things I do for him.

Please help.

Re: My 19 Year Old Son Blames Me For Everything

Croix — Fri, 06 Oct 2023 11:28:58 GMT

Dear Loveanimals~

You recently wrote about feeling empty and hollow and was given some good advice as to what you might do to feel better. Even so I'd suspect at least part of that feeling comes frm unsuccessfully trying to cope with your son where even hte greatest and most understanding efforts on your part simply do not succeed.

You have tried everything a loving parent can do, from driving hm to work to taking him to seek medical assistance, and it simply has not worked. If anything he feels more entitled and in charge and shows no love or consideration for you - quite the reverse.

If you step back for a moment you may get a new perspective, one in which you always try, he takes, does not believe he is ever in the wrong or needs assistance, and then blames and abuses you anyway.

In that sort of situation I'm not sure you can do anything about your son to improve the situation. Maybe what is in your power is to try to look after yourself.

Obviously that is good for its own sake, but may well have the extra effect of making you more able to cope with the very unpleasant part of your life. It also sets an example.

TonyW/K did mention some sensible things you can do, I've no idea from your circumstances how many are practical. I would suggest too (if you are not already) you seek counceling or medical assistance for yourself. This amout of stress, frustration, anger and receiving toxic abuse is terribly bad for you and trying to face it on your own makes it extra hard.

If you would like to come back to this particular thread here and talk some more I'd like it as I have the greatest sympathy for your position.

Croix.

Re: My 19 Year Old Son Blames Me For Everything

CheaB — Fri, 06 Oct 2023 13:30:13 GMT

Hi Loveanimals,

I am really sorry about everything that has happened. At the same time, I am glad that you took your son to the Doctor because medical advice is key in this situation.

It is evident that your mental wellbeing has been adversely affected by your personal situation and I would definitely recommend seeing a mental health professional to take care of your state of mind. Seeking support for your mental health will allow you to unpack your emotions and feelings regarding your relationship with your son. Furthermore, you will be provided with a third-person perspective which may allow you to navigate through this situation with a lot more ease. Receiving professional medical advice on how to cope with these circumstances will allow you to contribute positively to your mental health.

As your son battles with his mental health issues, it is crucial to remember that he has access to professional support and medication because you are concerned for his wellbeing. Now it is up to him now to navigate through his emotions, as per the feedback that he receives. You have been very selfless, generous and loving, which is why it is important for you to draw boundaries for your peace of mind.

If it is becoming too overwhelming for you, I would consider communicating about a separate living arrangement, especially since your son is working. As per everything that you have shared, I can see the amount of effort, dedication and forgiveness you have shown towards your son. I understand that you are a mother, but the role of a parent does not mean overlooking how your child's behaviour is consistently exhausting you.

I hope this helps!

Take care,

Sarea.

Re: My 19 Year Old Son Blames Me For Everything

Loveanimals — Fri, 06 Oct 2023 21:28:10 GMT

Thankyou for your response. I of course don't hate my son. I hate the situation. He is I believe playing up more due to withdrawal from the drugs. It is 3 days now that he last had any and I am telling him to remain strong as he will start to feel better soon. He was up until 2am due to insomnia.....I suggested he take a warm shower and try to sleep again. It is now 8 am and he is asleep so I hope he feels better later when he does get up.

I don't have any options other than to keep living here with him and truthfully I don't have the strength anyway to move or sell up. I still believe we can work through this.

I am seeing my Dr next week for help with this situation as it is no way to live; having no support from anyone (least of all his father).

Thanks again.

Re: My 19 Year Old Son Blames Me For Everything

quirkywords — Fri, 06 Oct 2023 22:10:33 GMT

I am very moved by your situation.

it must be so hard when you love your son so much and see the way he is behaving,

Have you thought of getting some support from Alanon which provides support to people who have family members who have drinking problems.
I know this does not suit everyone.
I admire your strength and determination.

Re: My 19 Year Old Son Blames Me For Everything

Croix — Sat, 07 Oct 2023 09:39:45 GMT

Dear Loveanimals~

I really admired you in this last post, you are showing all the love, determination and understanding anyone could ask for.

Sometimes one does not realise how much good one is doing, at the back of your son's mind and as an example to all.

Please see yourself as needing support in order to endure this horrible situation, nobody has unlimited capacity to deal with these circumstances wihtout help.

Croix

Re: My 19 Year Old Son Blames Me For Everything

Loveanimals — Sun, 08 Oct 2023 03:25:28 GMT

Thanks for your lovely words.

He is absolutely doing my head in. He was up all night; came in to my room at 2 am to say he couldn't sleep and was going for a walk. I couldn't sleep until he got home at 3 am. I was then up at 6 am as is my habit. He got up at 11.30 and was saying how great the walk made him feel and how he knows he can deal with things and sort stuff out.

In the last 3 hours he has said that he thinks the issue is his Visual Snow disorder..which is actually a 'thing'. Another thing I have tried to get him help for which he has always bailed on. He has now gone full circle and is saying unless he can get medicinal cannabis he won't be able to live He is actually driving me insane. I definitely need support

Next week I will be busy looking after Dad as he has surgery booked on Tuesday. How my son will cope without me hear to be his constant sounding board will be interesting. I am so over this. It is absolute rubbish. 😞

Re: My 19 Year Old Son Blames Me For Everything

Croix — Sun, 08 Oct 2023 11:46:36 GMT

Dear Loveanimals~

I hope Tuesday goes well and that afterwards your dad is fine. I'm glad you see him as the priority and that for once your son has ot take a back seat. At 19 he seems to be using you for everything from venting his anger to excuses not to seek help.

So yes it will be a sort of trial for him not to be first on the list and able to lean heavily on you. How he reacts I've no idea and I suspect you might not know either. If you make sure he has the Kids Help Line Number 1800 55 1800 then at least if he feels bad there is an action he can take without having to feel completely lost.

Yes you certainly need support, not only loocking after your dad (do you have anyone to spell you?) but also help you cope with the constant heavy weight your son places on you

Croix

Re: My 19 Year Old Son Blames Me For Everything

Loveanimals — Mon, 09 Oct 2023 01:12:56 GMT

Well the proverbial hit the fan last night. He was actually quite psychotic and off his head and he bought some u know what. I was at my wit's end. I let him go. He came in to my room around 3 am and was terribly upset. He had a bad batch and he actually understands and believes now how bad the stuff is. He is remorseful and has claimed he definitely not having it anymore and he is going to do all he can to improve his life. He was so upset and apologetic to me. I love him. I understand. I forgive him. I am glad last night happened as it has finally made him see sense. All stuff and paraphernalia has been disposed of. I have made one more appointment for him to see Dr before Dad's surgery etc. Just to make sure that he will be ok and that he has that support if required.

Meanwhile I am ok. I know he has it in him to stick to this. I will support him anyway I can but he also knows full well that he has to be in the driver's seat.'

Thankyou so much for caring. I have nobody to help about this. I think you are wonderful.

Re: My 19 Year Old Son Blames Me For Everything

Croix — Mon, 09 Oct 2023 11:52:47 GMT

Dear Loveanimals~

Of course you still love him, though trying to keep up with his changes in moods and habits is very hard. I hope that bad experience does help him turn the corner. The only thing I've picked up with someone trying to kick an addiction is praise is as important as anything else, any small victory should be recognized.

I realy hope he come to see you as a support, not an opposition or soemeone to blame.

I hope your dad goes well tomorrow, if you would like to do so I'd be pleased to know know how you go

Croix

Re: My 19 Year Old Son Blames Me For Everything

Loveanimals — Wed, 11 Oct 2023 04:05:47 GMT

Dear Croix

Thankyou. My son is doing a lot better. He really has learnt his lesson. Now that he is sorted there is the issue of Dad.

Dad did ok apparently and is now in recovery. My lovely, caring (narcissistic) sister ( pardon the sarcasm) rang me at 1.30 pm to ask about him? I took him in at 8am? She then gave me a lot of unasked for 'assvice' as she does. Telling me to not ring the hospital as they are busy and 'people like me' annoy them?! WTF? I truly cannot stand her. I have been up since 4 am and worried sick. She is just a total arsehole. Sorry but I am totally wrecked and like my son...I have seen the light at long last.

Re: My 19 Year Old Son Blames Me For Everything

snazzypretzel5 — Thu, 12 Oct 2023 07:31:29 GMT

Dear Loveanimals,

they say absence makes the heart grow fonder. Use the time with you Dad as a break. It may give your son the space he needs to see where he is at and how much you love and do him. I go through regular ups and downs with my 20 year old and sometimes I wonder why I had a child at all (hehehe) it can be so awful. We are currently not connected at all.

The most important thing to do is to look after yourself. Your son, I am guessing, is at the age where he wants to be an adult but has the experience of a child to drawer on. It can be incredibly painful for parents to witness. Like learning to walk we often have to let them fall over to understand how it is done. This does not mean you should abandon him, but just maybe leave him to his own devices for a bit. Leave phone numbers on the fridge for him to reach out if he needs support in your absence. You will have your hands full with your father no doubt.

Support yourself and do some good things for your care and well being. Sometimes distraction can be a blessing. And we are hear to listen anytime.

Re: My 19 Year Old Son Blames Me For Everything

Croix — Thu, 12 Oct 2023 11:27:48 GMT

Dear Loveanimals~

It sounds as if things might go more smoothly for a while -I do hope so.

I had been wondering if your dad going into hospital might have made your son worry and put extra pressure on him affecting his behavior -what do you think?

As for phoning a hospital about a parent - I'm sure they are more than used to it. I've often had to do that and the worst that has happened is the ward clerk has been too busy to do other than give the very briefest of reports - no chance of a message.

Other times they have taken a message or even plugged a phone in.

How long do you expect him to stay in hospital and do you have any help when he returns home?

Croix

Re: My 19 Year Old Son Blames Me For Everything

Loveanimals — Fri, 13 Oct 2023 05:59:45 GMT

Thankyou so much for your kind words I am very sorry you too are experiencing this! Our children are everything to us but can certainly make life extremely difficult. I really hope you too can get back on a good footing with your adult child.

Yes looking after Dad will be my focus over the next few weeks for sure. He is doing so well and is going home tomorrow. My son is fully aware that I will be looking after Dad and of course will be here too for him. Just not in such a huge capacity as usual! I think it will be a great growing and learning experience for all of us.

Take care.

Re: My 19 Year Old Son Blames Me For Everything

Loveanimals — Fri, 13 Oct 2023 06:01:33 GMT

Thankyou. Yes I think my stress has possibly affected my son negatively. He has really been trying hard to do the right thing and I am feeling a lot less stressed.

Dad is doing amazingly well and is going home tomorrow. So I will be with him a lot of the time! My son is fully aware of this and he knows he will have to look after himself more. I think it will be the best thing.

Re: My 19 Year Old Son Blames Me For Everything

Croix — Fri, 13 Oct 2023 10:34:04 GMT

Dear Loveanimals~

It's good to hear, and I hope all goes well. Please remember that you do need rest and time for yourself, easy to forget with a family you need to look after

If you would like to let us know how you get on that would be great

Croix

Re: My 19 Year Old Son Blames Me For Everything

Loveanimals — Sat, 14 Oct 2023 05:00:27 GMT

Dear Croix

Yes I am totally exhausted truth be told. But...there is light at the end of the tunnel! Dad is doing so well, it is a great relief! My son will go back to work next week and he likes working so that too is a great thing. I can probably rest up a bit now the major dramas are over! Thanks so much for caring. I know I go on but I so appreciate your support. You are lovely. xxx

Re: My 19 Year Old Son Blames Me For Everything

Croix — Sat, 14 Oct 2023 13:15:54 GMT

Dear Loveanimals

You are welcome. Thank you for the thanks, it helps:)

As for "I know I go on" I'd have to disagree. You have been in a very difficult situation and talking about it is natural and hopefully helps. Even just knowing you can talk about things if you want reduces the pressure

Croix