topic Re: Restless and on the verge of cheating in Relationship and family issues

Restless and on the verge of cheating

Matty321 — Fri, 29 Sep 2023 09:37:59 GMT

I am a 52 year old female currently off work due to illness. I have recently started hrt replacement. I am married to an amazing husband for almost 30’years and have two grown kids. Of recent it’s like I have metamorphosed into a different persons. I am absolutely horny and wanted to have a sexual liaison with someone other than my husband. Admittedly we don’t have a great sex life and he is really trying to please me and improve. However I’m attracted to other men and recently approached a younger guy at gym for a hook up. Fortunately he did not respond but yeh rejection is making me feel more low. I now made contact with my first lover from 30 years back whom I lost my virginity to. He is super eager to reconnect as he is divorced. He lives in a different country and has no appeal to me. But I love the excitement and thrill of this and without it I’m feeling deeply depressed. Despite

knowing I have so much to lose I am still wanting this so badly.it’s almost like I’m playing with fire and want to get burned.

I know if I cheat I can’t go back and it will haunt me but without this excitement I don’t feel I have anything to look forward to or even live. I’m so tired of life.I’ve tried to be sensible blocked the ex today after he said he loves me still and also avoiding the gym guy I propositioned to. So embarrassed when I see him too. Any advice would be great as i am contemplating counselling. Thanks

Re: Restless and on the verge of cheating

Croix — Fri, 29 Sep 2023 11:29:58 GMT

Dear Matty321~

Welcome here to the Forum. It was a good move on your part and you may get to see other perspectives. I would agree that risking a 30 year marriage with an 'amazing husband' would be a sad deal though I can also understand a much increased sex drive that cannot be satisfied at home is a powerful incentive to form liaisons elswhere.

I guess one thing you might like to consider is if you current state is caused by the HRT medication(s) you are taking. Medications can change one's outlook and even promote risk taking.

I remember a long time ago I was prescribed an antidepressant new on the market. It certainly changed me to someone who was far too overconfident and prone to risk taking. Even my driving was affected. Normally a conservative driver - this made me a speed hog.

When the medication ceased due to these symptoms I returned to my previous state. (Not surprisingly the drug was later removed from the market)

One of the main problems was of course I did not notice the difference in myself until later and thought everything was A-OK.

Can I suggest that you have a long discussion wiht your doctor about possible side effects of your meds before you do anything irreversible? It may be an alternate regimen or dosage strength may still accomplish the HRT functions without excessive changes.

It may well be you can continue to have an interest in life wihtout having to make such a drastic choice.

I'd very pleased if you came back and said what you thought.

Croix

Re: Restless and on the verge of cheating

Matty321 — Sat, 30 Sep 2023 05:06:25 GMT

@craix thanks very much for this reply. I really appreciate it and value the advice given. I have been thinking about talking to our doctor it’s a little catch 22 as both hubby and I see the same dr. Lol but of course it’s confidential so should be fine if I have a detailed chat as I’ve only been on hrt for two months .so your reply is very valid indeed. When I was one month into the hrt I did mention to the dr that I felt like a teenager and he mentioned I sounded a tad bit manic but we didn’t follow it further.

Today I felt very down about blocking the old flame and despite deleting him from my contacts, I now feel sad and lost without the anticipation and excitement that has been keeping me buoyant.
I am still very much thinking of the gym person as he is more easily accessible and a recent glance and hi is something that’s keeping that afloat. As you said I really need help before I do something irreversible. Also valid in your reply is the mention of anti depressant which dr has been keen to put me on due to my mood fluctuations. But I’ve been adamant I don’t want more meds and am trying all other aspects such as mindfulness yoga and exercise to keep afloat.

Sorry to ramble on again. Main thing is I will take on board your advice and let you know how that goes over the next few weeks. Thanks @craix

Re: Restless and on the verge of cheating

Croix — Sat, 30 Sep 2023 12:36:19 GMT

Dear Matty321~

I'm glad you are going back to see your doctor, and if he noticed something before it might make matters easier to understand now.

When I was on that particular A/D I did not realise how much influence they were having and looking back was shocked at the change in my behaviour.

That's not to say all A/Ds are harmful. I've been on one for years now and it suits me, is reasonably effective and does not have side effects. For me going off it would be a disaster going back to the old life, then again everyone reacts differently.

I would like to know how you get on

Croix

Re: Restless and on the verge of cheating

therising — Sat, 30 Sep 2023 21:27:50 GMT

Hi Matty321

One rabbit hole, when it comes to menopause in general can involve western understanding and treatments, which is more so about chemistry, biology, psychology and such. This will more so involve meds to balance hormone imbalances and making greater sense of different mental challenges. In western cultures menopause is seen as a problem and, yes, it can definitely be problematic.

Another rabbit hole, involving eastern culture, looks at things in a very different way. It can see a woman as fully coming into her energy/power around the age of 50. Yoga (a form of energy management) can definitely be a handy tool in this case. The concept of Kundalini (where in Hindu tradition energy gradually works its way up the body), has that energy beginning at the base which relates to identity. An increase in energy leads to intense questioning of identity ('Why am I here? What's my purpose? Is this the life I want/really identify with?' etc). Next is the triggering of the point which relates to sexuality, pleasure and creativity. Energy surges here can relate to urges. Intense amounts of energy have side effects (if you catch my drift). Next up comes energy that relates to self esteem and confidence. Further along come matters of the heart. Forms of self expression come next and on it goes with energy expressing itself through and up the body. Energy in motion = Emotion. Lots of energy can be felt and expressed in a whole lot of different ways.

When east meets west there is

1)A strong need for grounding and self identification vs a lost sense of self, 2)a strong need to express excitement, creativity and sexuality vs erratic behaviour and sexual issues, 3)a strong need for self empowerment vs low self esteem, 4)a strong need to understand matters of the heart vs anger and intolerance toward everyone who's heartbreaking and/or increased levels of compassion/feeling for others, 5)a strong need for a liberating verbal forms of self expression vs telling it how it is while taking no prisoners (aka being mean, challenging and difficult) etc etc. Looking at everything in bold, all that describes menopause.

As a 53yo gal, I much prefer the eastern take on things. Sounds far more empowering in my opinion. I like to imagine the hot flushes to be 'power surges' as we come more into our power.😁 Wondering how your husband would feel about the 2 of you exploring new forms of sexual energy between yourselves. So much to explore. There are shops dedicated to that kind of exploration, seriously triggering the imagination. Some folk don't explore that kind of stuff until they hit their 50s and they finally feel the urge/surge.😊

Re: Restless and on the verge of cheating

Matty321 — Sun, 01 Oct 2023 04:18:50 GMT

@croix apologies for spelling your name incorrectly. I appreciate your replies and advice. I have tried Antidepressants a while back but felt so numb and zombie like.
just to update had a try at satiating this urge I’m feeling from my wonderful hubby to no avail and this has left me more on the edge than ever. So miss the chase of something new and can’t help feeling the adrenaline rush of a seasoned lover! Gosh I feel so awful just saying it. Will keep you updated and apologies about oversharing but it feels good to be able to tell someone. Appreciate this.

Re: Restless and on the verge of cheating

Matty321 — Sun, 01 Oct 2023 04:27:23 GMT

@therising OMG!! Who are you!!! This is so on the spot with everything I’m feeling. Without giving too much away lol I am from an eastern background brought up in western culture. I’m familiar with all you write about and feel that yes my chakras are in play esp with

my sacral and heart chakras! I’m going to read And re read all of your post!! So enlightening!
trying with hubby bought some lingerie and a sex toy for our anniversary coming up but hope he doesn’t die of shock. Conservative eastern background too!! But the thing is he is trying and oh too sweet and wonderful but with menopause and the hrt it’s almost like the nicer he is the worse I get !!

and I’ve read sometimes a lot of divorce etc occurs in these years and women take on a younger lover to live their best lives. I won’t do that but just to cheat with once right now would do me hence the post I put up. Maybe we were not meant to be with the same person for so long ?? Is humans and me with silly first world problems. Sorry to ramble. Appreciate you input will see my Dr next week and let you know how I go. Right now just wishing for a secret liaison physical only like a young horny teen. Who have I become???

Re: Restless and on the verge of cheating

therising — Sun, 01 Oct 2023 19:27:22 GMT

Hi Matty321

You led me to smile when I read your post. Glad you could relate to the energy centres. I love the concept of 'Kundalini Awakening'. There's meant to be a lot of primal power in that, hence why it feels so intense and incredibly energising and a little out of control at times. While I have a love of both science and spirituality, when it comes to how we tick and how life works and the connection between the 2, I think what it comes down to sometimes is finding what works best for us under the circumstances. Kind of like 'What would it serve me to imagine?' or 'What could it not hurt to imagine?'.

That chakra business can be a tough one to work out at times. Just when you think 'All this feels very sacral-like', you could actually be working from the heart (the ways of love and self love). 'I love life, I love being alive, I love my energy and the feeling of wanting to express it, I love my imagination, I love being me. Oh my gosh, I think I love myself. I didn't know I could love myself this much (in a non egotistical way). This is really exciting'. Then comes the fine tuning: 'I will love fully yet carefully, I will love respectfully in the ways of respecting myself and others in my life, I will love my energy and imagination, enough to manage them consciously and skillfully' and the list goes on.

I think when something in us wakes up, we become more conscious and more energised. With your recent purchase, sounds you might shock your husband awake a little 😂. You'll be able to enjoy waking up together. Might take him a little while to catch up to your level of energy or perhaps keep up or maybe he'll surprise you with his level of energy and enthusiasm. As you come to life more and more, maybe you will lead him to come to life in a whole variety of new ways.

If there is one thing, besides wonder, that absolutely fuels the imagination it's high levels of energy. While you can clearly imagine a one time fling with that younger guy, it may be hard to 'ground' yourself out of what you imagine, based on it raising the level of energy in every cell in your body. That feeling can be extremely addictive (the feeling of being fully alive), sometimes leading us in the wrong direction. Perhaps true north involves seeing how high your husband can take you and you can take him.🙂

Re: Restless and on the verge of cheating

Matty321 — Mon, 02 Oct 2023 03:12:08 GMT

@therising

Thanks very much for Replying and apologies if I’m inundating you with info and long messages. It feels good to release all that I’m thinking and feeling via this.

To update you and pertinent to your post, both last night and this morning I had lengthy discussions with hubby. He is wonderful but unfortunately he is also surprised at how I have ‘changed’ and this ‘new’ me is seeming to disappoint him. Without wanting to point blame he has low libido and although he quickly gains his satisfaction when I initiate sex, he is not realising that I am not receiving any release. The conversation turned to him asking if I was attracted to other men atm?

I affirmed this to an extent but not with full details. He states that he is more happy growing old mellowing and not with sex being the way I’m asking for it. Also remember I am home and he is the sole breadwinner atm.

I shudder with guilt to think how he would react if he knows about ex bf and me propositioning gym guy!

I have decided to stop with trying anything new or untoward with hubby. He’s quiet and angry with me atm. Things are tense. I feel

extremely saddened.

I also haven’t mentioned on these posts that both time on my hands and the hrt has resulted in me becoming a gym Junkie so to speak. I’m exercising heavily and walking over 10000 daily, yoga x4 per week. This has both transformed my body so much as well as been imperative to keep my mood buoyant. Days that I miss this exercise, like today, I am slumping into a down depressive mood.

I’ve thought about the pros and cons and my marriage and husband have more pros. I don’t want to spend my latter years alone and I owe these last years more-so to my husband. He’s been supportive and phenomenal for years.

So I am thinking way forward is :

See dr explain all this
Maybe some therapy
Stop hrt
Go back to old ways who I used to be less exercise gym etc
Reduce ( idk how) the longing for sex and be content and comfortable with just growing older together and in each others company. Needless to say easier said than done but I need to control my mind and urges. A little bit of a challenge.

Thoughts? Please if you have time.

Ps also wanted to mention one dilemma I’m faced with daily is Mr gym person literally lives a road away from me which has led to me almost stalking him. Another thing I need to wean myself off. Phew I’m stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea.
thank you for you support @therising. So grateful for this space.

Re: Restless and on the verge of cheating

therising — Mon, 02 Oct 2023 19:50:12 GMT

Hi Matty321

It's good that you're able to talk with each other. Understandable that certain emotions will come up. Being a new challenge, also understandable how new and perhaps unidentifiable emotions might come up along with maybe some old familiar ones.

Disappointment can be a tough process to deal with. I found it became a little easier once I managed to better define 'disappointment': 'I appoint you this role. I give you this role to fill'. Everything's fine as long as that role's being filled/appointment's being met but when it's not, there is a dis-appointment process that can be felt on so many levels at times (when they can't be filled or met anymore for one reason or another). Even tougher is when one out of the couple starts to wake up to so much of what's joyful, exciting/energising, adventurous, fulfilling and sensational in life and the other is much happier with the old comfortable roles being filled. Not just talking about intimacy here, talking about life in general. This is something I found happened with my husband and myself. While we started off as great drinking buddies who enjoyed the same basic things in life, about 25 years later I no longer drink, we have 2 kids who have led me to evolve well beyond who I used to be and we have very little in common. As I woke up in a lot of new ways, I found my husband still loves the old ways. It kind of feels like waking up to the kid in you, full of energy and a longing for adventure and that kid is saying 'Come play with me. Please come play' but our best friend/partner doesn't want to play or they'd much prefer to play in the same old part of the playground, a part we've grown out of to some degree.

I think, when we evolve, the seer in us evolves too. The seer in us can lead us to see everything through our imagination. So, with the seer in me having developed, my husband's mantra of 'I just want us to grow old together' has me seeing nothing but 2 wrinkled grey haired people sitting in front of the tv together, sipping on beers and only going out to the same old restaurants within a 5 to 10km radius. Personally, I have a longing to grow young together with him.

Sounds like you've got a plan lined up, which is good. Perhaps that's the seer in you in play, leading you to see a number of ways forward. Maybe with the sexual energy, can you see the gym as offering a workout of that hyperactivity, maybe even a different gym with less temptation? Perhaps certain yoga practices and research in managing or channeling sacral energy might help. With the feeler in you sounding well and truly alive, if you were to get a better feel for your husband's anger, what would you say it feels like? Perhaps there are some mixed emotions there. Maybe some disappointment with you having dis-appointed yourself from certain easy going roles he likes, mixed with some resentment for working so hard and not having the amount of energy expected after a long day's work, mixed with a sense of betrayal (learning you no longer only have eyes for him). Maybe there's sadness mixed in, regarding how the relationship's feeling at the moment, mixed with him perhaps dealing with some of his own stuff too.

With super amounts of hyperactivity, when we were young our parents would tend to ground us out of that. Now the challenge becomes 'How do I ground myself out of that to some degree?'. Even more important...'How do I ground myself out of that without going underground (into a depression)?'.

Re: Restless and on the verge of cheating

Matty321 — Mon, 02 Oct 2023 21:48:01 GMT

@therising. Thank you. I value and appreciate your advice and very much. And yes alot of soul searching ahead for me. Even though I’m enjoying this new found energy and passion I need to dial it down so to speak to suit those near and dear. I will try and let you know how I go over the next few weeks. Your scenario as well as lots of podcasts and readings makes me realise this is a common occurrence at this age. I also participated in a menopause live discussion last night where the dr advised that the hrt could even take 3-6 months to even out so maybe it’s time I need. One thing I know is if I do cheat physically, the dis-appointment I feel will after will outweigh any short term physical pleasure! That’s good to know I guess. It grounds me and hopefully steers me on the straight and narrow. Talk again soon and really appreciate and value your wise thoughts and words. Thank you.

Re: Restless and on the verge of cheating

therising — Mon, 02 Oct 2023 23:10:49 GMT

Hi Matty

Enjoying chatting with you. You offer me a lot of food for thought. Appreciate the enlightening conversation.🙂

The business of 'coming back to life' is so challenging at times, so incredibly testing. Just when you think you've got it worked out, it's like BAMM, here's another challenge where it's like the powers that be are silently saying (with a smile) 'Have fun working that one out!'.

Completely understandable, your attraction to certain guys who have a particular vibe to them. Like attracts like. High energy attracts high energy. So, there's kind of like a channel of energy there that can feel invigorating. You can just feel it. Channeling everything you've got into it so you can feel it more intensely can definitely be a temptation. Once that energy's dissipated, you're right, you can feel differently, sometimes being left to regret how it was all managed or mismanaged.

You're a powerful person, super charged! Enjoy being 'in charge' and enjoy working out all new ways in which you can manage being in that state of charge. Look forward to hearing about your self discoveries.❤️

Re: Restless and on the verge of cheating

Matty321 — Tue, 10 Oct 2023 01:14:50 GMT

@therising

Hello hope you are well. I’ve been mia and I’ll give you an update into why.

Saw dr last week explained the entire debacle. He’s amazing. Did bloods and results today show hrt is on track. He was super supportive and said he will speak to hubby.

Hubby has been phenomenal and I’m too lucky. He’s been patient and really trying. I’m optimistic that things wrt to our sex life will improve with time.

However, I’ve just got to be strong and steadfast with my mind.

Fell off the wagon so to speak yesterday when for some Reason ex bf was able to msg me despite the block. Tempting and ended up chatting to him for over an hour - after three decades. Throughout the conversation I couldn’t help thinking how old and boring and different he was to my fabulous husband. Definitely happy I didn’t end up with him and someone I want to eliminate totally from my life. Blocked deleted totally now!

Also yesterday (must have been on heat) gym person and me clashed after a week of absence. Ended up at the shops together where I briefly apologised again for my advances and propositions. He was civil but very cold. Close up I realised he has no take on my hubby except being younger. My hubby is soooo much smarter and better looking.

So All good to switch me off cold with both these guys, I guess.

Caution : My hubby is also not as naive as I thought and in a way is onto me and seems suspicious. Hence I need to close these feelings totally and focus 100 percent on not destroying our relationship of 30 years. I can do this!!!

@therising Thanks for all the support and you may find me right back here from time to time. You have helped me to no end. I’m very grateful and feel grounded atm. Hopefully it stays this way.

Re: Restless and on the verge of cheating

therising — Tue, 10 Oct 2023 05:01:15 GMT

Hi Matty

Everything sounds like progress. So glad. Hard business gradually learning new things about our self and raising our self at times, hey 😊

Re: Restless and on the verge of cheating

Matty321 — Tue, 10 Oct 2023 05:24:50 GMT

@croix hi not sure if you’ve been following this thread. Just to let you know dr has tested my bloods and said hrt is right on track. He offered me an option to alternate the meds but was happy with how my body is responding to it. In his words he didn’t make me too feminine lol!
hopefully a resolution for me soon.

Re: Restless and on the verge of cheating

Matty321 — Wed, 11 Oct 2023 09:04:17 GMT

@therising you are correct! So difficult navigating these urges and temptations. I hope I find the strength.

Re: Restless and on the verge of cheating

Croix — Fri, 13 Oct 2023 11:01:40 GMT

Dear Matty321~

Yes, I've been reading, however you seem to be doing pretty well and I did not have much more to say than Therising has already said.

I guess you now have that rather difficult set of choices to make, your brain and hopefully affection tells you your hubby is someone ot be cherished (even if he has his suspicions) but your body wants to reach out to new experiences.

I think in a way you have already discovered the grass is not greener, your ex boyfriend is old and boring compared to you husband and the person at the gym is not understanding and now cold.

I believe having a partner that wants to please you, even if they do not share the enjoyment in quite the same way is gold, and I hope you reach satisfactory accommodations with each other.

You know you are welcome here anytime.

Croix

Re: Restless and on the verge of cheating

Matty321 — Sat, 14 Oct 2023 02:34:03 GMT

To @croix and @therising feel very grateful to you both for being grounding in my time of need. God bless.

Re: Restless and on the verge of cheating

Choccie_Snow07 — Tue, 17 Oct 2023 23:07:24 GMT

Hello,

First things first, do not judge yourself. It is completely natural to feel this way. So many people experience this through relationships, including myself at the moment, so I do understand to a degree how you must be feeling.

One way to look it is this: I have a need or needs not being met. Firstly, it is important to identify - what is this need/s? More intimacy with my husband? More of the 'thrill' and 'chase?' Or does it go deeper than this - e.g., the context and nature of your intimacy with your husband perhaps needs a revamp, or despite being a wonderful man you possibly feel that your husband isn't really delivering what you are needing in the bedroom. I feel transparent conversations would be helpful to happen here if these being the case, communication is key to working together on addressing what is going on. Firstly, identify what needs are not being met, then have a brainstorm on the types of things that could help address these needs going unmet in the relationship, but also yourself. Are there internal factors at play here? Some examples could be difficulties with feeling alone, people-pleasing, needing external validation etc. Practice self-compassion here without judgment, and again think about how you can address these factors in how this may be playing out in your relationship and life in the context of the situation you are describing here.

You can then break these down into some goals and tasks for how you and your hubby can go about working towards addressing these needs. Do this together. There will undoubtedly be three categories: goals/tasks for YOU, goals/tasks for HIM, and goals/tasks for you BOTH TOGETHER.

Being this is a sensitive topic and undoubtedly it would be difficult for the both of you to hear and talk about, also give thought to how this conversation can be approached in a gentle way so as to minimise the emotional harm. You could even consider a bit of a script to start you off, one that is intentional, compassionate, but also goal and solutions focussed. If you are stuck for how you can approach this, I would suggest reaching out to a counsellor e.g., Beyond Blue as they may be able to help you with a bit of an approach and scripting as I am sure you are mindful of hurting your hubby's feelings. You can even use ChatGPT and AI for things like this too! They sure are good writers lol.

Another thing to consider is if there are any barriers or concerns your hubby has that may be playing a role in how he feels about himself, and conversely, how he then "performs." I would suggest introspection on his behalf is important here too, a close look at his unmet needs within himself and his relationship with you, and to add these to the tasks/goals that you come up with together.

It may even be helpful to access some relationship counselling together. In conjunction with this, it may also be helpful to have some individual support too as you navigate this journey coming back together. We all have our own inner work to do, the results of this often flowing into our relationships too. If this is inaccessible or unaffordable, I would say there are free services out there at your local community organisations e.g., Anglicare, Salvation Army etc. Relationships Australia will likely have some resources too so be sure to look them up 🙂

You did the right thing by pulling yourself up and away from opportunities like your ex and the guy at the gym. It sounds like your inner voice and intuition knew there would be implications that wouldn't be so good for you, and your hubby. You have insight, are able to be proactive and preventative, and have great discipline. These are huge strengths, so remind yourself of this rather than shaming yourself. Opportunities will always present themselves - the main thing is to look at strategies that will help you in these moments. Only you can work out what works for you. For example, mindfulness and redirection. When you notice yourself having certain feelings, urges, intrusive thoughts about other people, observe these and accept them without judgment (remembering the more you resist the more it will persist!). Then redirect to something else to think about or something else you can focus on instead. I highly recommend the leaves on a stream meditation for anxiety and intrusive thoughts - it is a mindfulness-based meditation taken from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) designed to help us notice thoughts without fusing or attaching to them.

To be continued below.....

Re: Restless and on the verge of cheating

Choccie_Snow07 — Tue, 17 Oct 2023 06:13:59 GMT

Continued from previous reply......

Please acknowledge and accept without judgment that your HRT is likely playing a HUGE role in how you are feeling and your change in libido etc. I would suggest speaking about this with your treating doctor to see if there are any alterations that can be made, or if there are any resources they can provide you and your partner to navigate this treatment and the changes/side effects. Your body is going through a lot - don't shame or judge it for doing something it is meant to be doing 🙂

I wish you all the very best and hope you find something useful from what I have shared. I am more than happy to chat further if you wish, and know that you are not alone 🙂