topic Re: End of a relationship, self-care tips? in Relationship and family issues

End of a relationship, self-care tips?

jemma09 — Wed, 26 Jul 2023 04:30:42 GMT

I ended my long-term relationship recently. It was something I took a lot of time to think through and to decide. This is the first relationship I have ended where the person is someone I have cared a lot about and loved.

They were very upset, which is understandable. I tried to be there with them and listen. However, they became disrespectful and began to send me nasty messages and call me names. I asked them to stop, they wouldn't. They had said it should be expected that I must accept it from them. I started feeling heated as I did not like being spoken to in that manner. So I put a boundary in place that I needed to step away and would give them time to process and connect with them again the next day. I did that. They were very annoyed and stated I left them to fend for themselves. They feel I am in the wrong. I tried to remind them of my boundaries and explained that - I am getting better at that. I am glad I could stand up for myself. It is not easy though. They did reach out to some friends for support, which I am glad about and it is good practice for them to do that.

I did upset me when they called me names, I know they were upset but I did not expect this and it was disappointing. We are still in contact a little and texted today - it was very draining for me. They were more respectful, however, we have very different viewpoints of the situation. They want to talk on the phone once more as closure. The plan is this will be neutral and give us both a chance to farewell and then cease contact. I agree with that plan. I want to completely move forward and for it all to be finished. I am very tired.

I wanted to post here as a way to express myself and to ensure I am not causing friend burn out. As since I am in a 'moving on' process, I am trying to be careful not to push my emotions onto others. I have told my friends that also. I have decided to buy a new journal to express myself.

My reason for writing is to seek advice for self-care. Do you have any tips for self-care and regulating emotions during this time?

I am trying to practice acceptance of the situation and acceptance that the other person is upset, and try not to take their responses to heart too much.

I do have a therapist, however my next appointment is not for another week or so.

I do know I made the right choice for myself and my wellbeing, however, it was still not an easy choice by any means. I want to try my best to move forward.

Thank you for reading.

Re: End of a relationship, self-care tips?

Bob_22 — Wed, 26 Jul 2023 06:31:35 GMT

Hi jemma09,

I love your profile picture. I'm sorry to hear about your relationship and the trouble surrounding the break up. It sounds like it's been exhausting and tough on you. I'm glad you recognised the toll it's taken and come here. It's also great that you've been talking with friends and set boundaries. This is very healthy practice. Try not to worry too much about your friends. I'm sure you would do the same for them if they were in your position.

In terms of self care I enjoy art therapy. I get to go to art therapy on saturdays once a week/fortnight and express myself creatively for a few hours. It is also a great time for me to reflect, connect with others and learn from other people's journeys. I also enjoy going to the gym and talking with friends. Journalling is a great idea also. I would also recommend relaxation exercises when you feel things are getting on top of you. There are some great ones demonstrated here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/mental-health/relaxation-exercises

I hope this helps. Please let us know how you go and that you have a good session with your therapist.

Bob

Re: End of a relationship, self-care tips?

white knight — Wed, 26 Jul 2023 07:39:08 GMT

Hi Jemma

Bob has suggested an idea I'd never think of- art therapy, sounds a very creative idea. I could imagine myself splashing colours onto a canvas, a colour for every feeling and staring at it for ages later.

I would like to ask you to read the first post of the following thread some years old now. It was a reflection upon my time post separation from an abusive marriage to a very cruel person. I had two young kids then also so my being separated from them took its toll. A week prior to separation I'd made the one and only attempt on my life so you can imagine the survival mode I was in trying to rebuild my confidence.

I hope you are ok, you write as if you are determined and confident you made the right decision.

8 weeks after my then separation I dropped off my kids and my grief was overflowing. I confided in a friend at the caravan park I was staying at and he stared at me when I said I'm thinking of returning to the marriage... "dont ever go backwards" was his recommendation... nothing else. lol. I didnt.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/the-best-praise-you-ll-ever-get/td-p/134999

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/relationship-split/td-p/359242

TonyWK

Re: End of a relationship, self-care tips?

jemma09 — Wed, 26 Jul 2023 14:27:13 GMT

Hi Bob,

Hope you are well today!

Thanks - I find my profile picture to be a nice reminder!

I appreciate that, it has been a lot but I am managing. I am getting better at spotting when I need support as well. All in good practice. I didn't think about the friends that way, I always worry I am bothering people so end up stepping back sometimes. I had a friend let me know today they are happy to be leaned on for a little while as I do the same for them so that was lovely.

Oo, I love the idea of art therapy. I really enjoy art too. I am glad you can join in each week. That sounds lovely. I'm not sure if my city has something like that. Even so, I have an art set up at home and recently actually bought some new metallic watercolours ... so I could give them a try! Those are great ideas. I like those relaxation exercises too.

This has helped a lot! Thank you very much.

I hope you have a lovely day, 😊

Jemma

Re: End of a relationship, self-care tips?

jemma09 — Wed, 26 Jul 2023 14:36:56 GMT

Hi there TonyWK,

Hope your day is going well so far!

Yes - I didn't think of that either and I in fact love art! This is why I love hearing from others as there are so many good ideas. I am going to give art a try as Bob suggested.

I read through your posts and they were quite reassuring to me. It shared an understanding and also a hope. I am glad you made it through those times to be here today. And that you never went backwards.

I love that advice. We can keep moving forward.

That's what I've been thinking of a lot - my future and how bright it is. I am in such a good position right now with my career, I am so excited.

I am doing alright at present, thank you. I am absolutely determined! I know it was the right choice, it's just getting through the yucky stuff and going from there. Some moments feel like grief, some like relief. It's like you said in your post, the logical mind is so important. I think in my journal I will write down those thoughts. I know I will not go back to the person, but it will help remind me why I left. There were some very important reasons.

Thank you again for sharing and have a nice day!

Jemma 😊

Re: End of a relationship, self-care tips?

white knight — Thu, 27 Jul 2023 01:59:49 GMT

Thankyou for replying.

Throughout my 67 years I've always had a need for clarity. Life can be so insecure for some of us and it was 34 years ago that a friend introduced me to Maharaji Prem Rawat.

He might help, he might not be your thing. But you'll know when you hear both of the following, use google. He has many more on Youtube.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhrtbBrMQ1Y

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W3aFh7OJMNA

TonyWK

Re: End of a relationship, self-care tips?

jemma09 — Thu, 27 Jul 2023 13:07:50 GMT

You're welcome 🙂

Thank you for those suggestions also. I hope you have a lovely day 🌞

Re: End of a relationship, self-care tips?

jemma09 — Mon, 31 Jul 2023 00:52:18 GMT

Hi everyone 😊 I hope you are well!

I wanted to give a quick update.

I am really struggling today. I need to work this week, I'm just going to try my best.

My discussions with the person started well and neutral, but it became emotional. It was very harrowing for me. I tried to be patient, however, I also had to be very clear about my preferences and decision. As the person was in the bargaining stage of grief at times - and it was overwhelming to hear all of that.

I am worried I have said the wrong things, but I feel it was best I be clear as I am not comfortable trying the relationship again.

I do not know what I am supposed to do now. Talking to them again brought no closure, it just made it worse. The things they said to me. Gosh. I feel horrible after speaking to them. This is the worst I have felt. I do not want to question myself and my decision. I will keep to my decision because I know it is right. I just wish I knew what to do now, and how to sit with this and everything they said. I do not know what to do with all of their words in my mind. I want to try really hard to keep productive and not allow their words to cause me to not care for myself. I will keep up with my self-care best I can. I was looking forward to my future, however, that feels so clouded at the moment with sadness. I hope this will go away soon.

I hope one day they can see how much it took for me to listen and be patient with them, to allow them some space to be heard. It was a big sacrifice on my part to do that because I knew it would impact me. Hopefully one day, they will feel better and heal. I still wish them all the best.

I am grateful that I was able to share with them how important the time we had together was to me, even if they do not believe me - at least I was able to share it.

Thank you for reading.

Re: End of a relationship, self-care tips?

white knight — Mon, 31 Jul 2023 02:14:32 GMT

Hi,

There is a few reasons to continuing on conversation with a person you've separated from. They are generally-

You want to make sure you have made the right decision
You want to display some empathy for their pain
You could want to continue as friends
Property division
Sharing friendships
A child/children shared arrangements

However, there is very distinct lines not to be crossed if you want certain a future. Eg I shared 2 children with my first wife. We could reluctantly talk about the kids needs but as soon as she said "so are you seeing anyone now"? I'd say, " think I have to go".

If you continue talking to your ex partner about why when you have already told him then you are doing both of you a disservice because in effect you are continuing the relationship... unless you want to be friends. Even so a break is in order.

What words he said during your latest conversation is mere rebound of feelings and grief. It's normal. To minimalise the being said again, simply stop talking to him. If he cant be avoided suggest to him to text you as the only form of communication you will allow. Then you have time to think about your answers and block him is he becomes abusive.

TonyWK

Re: End of a relationship, self-care tips?

jemma09 — Mon, 31 Jul 2023 03:51:00 GMT

Hi TonyWK,

Hope you're well today, thank you for replying. 😊

I appreciate those topics... I can actually answer the prompts mostly clearly!

You want to make sure you have made the right decision - I am sure.
You want to display some empathy for their pain - Yes, I do. The phone call I had with them was for that purpose. However, I will not be able to do more than that.
You could want to continue as friends - Unsure if I want that or if it's possible. It is dependent on their behaviour and comfort levels of both parties.
Property division - N/A
Sharing friendships - N/A
A child/children shared arrangements - N/A

Yes - I agree. I do not want to continue the conversation about reasons - it has been communicated and there is nothing further left to say. It perpetuates the cycle otherwise. I have already decided texting will be the only form of communication from now. I understand the normality of grief yes, I am starting to feel better now that the logical mind has stepped back in. I have been able to recognise their statements more easily as their grief. Since I typed my post earlier that logic has returned, thankfully. My apologies if my previous post lacked that clarity, it was typed in my feelings of grief also.

Texting definitely will allow time to think further about answers. A break from talking generally sounds like a good idea until perhaps we decide if being friends is comfortable or suitable. I will communicate that I will take some time to myself. I also have everything set up in a certain way. I have left communication to only one form of social app which is kept on a separate device. This allows me to have choice, control and distance. I often will disable notifications as well if required. The app is smart as it also allows me to disable call functions, which I will set up now.

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate the reminders, this helps me to stay strong.

I hope you have a wonderful day! 🌞

Re: End of a relationship, self-care tips?

white knight — Mon, 31 Jul 2023 09:24:40 GMT

Excellent. The only comment I could add to that is friendships with a ex is usually possible with a long break first. It's just too raw to try. Also sometimes one party will begin dating someone and that makes the friendship more palatable.

I'm really please you've proceeded through the wringer of the first period and came up more stronger than you were.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/do-we-expect-a-smooth-road-in-life/td-p/127389

TonyWK

Re: End of a relationship, self-care tips?

Bob_22 — Wed, 02 Aug 2023 05:29:08 GMT

Hi jemma09,

Many thanks for the updates. I'm sorry to hear that the conversation you had over the phone was quite stressful and harrowing for you. I am glad however that you set that boundary and have some more clarity on the situation. You sound like such a caring and empathic person. You also sound like you have great insight. I hope you have been able to lean on your friends a little more also.

Let us know how you go with your therapist. I also hope the metallic paint artwork is going good!

Bob

Re: End of a relationship, self-care tips?

jemma09 — Thu, 03 Aug 2023 14:15:08 GMT

Hi Bob,

I just want to say thank you so much for this. It made me quite emotional to read your message here and the kind things you said in describing me. It really meant a lot to me and was impactful. Especially after being told the opposite recently, as that was heart breaking. So again, thank you - your message was much needed.

One of my friends have been struggling the last few days, so I am trying not to put too much on them at the moment. I do feel alone sometimes, but I'm trying to push through as much as I can.

I am counting down to my therapist appointment, I definitely need it - I hope I can feel some relief after going. And thank you for the reminder to paint, I haven't done that yet.

Thanks again for your kind words,

Jemma

Re: End of a relationship, self-care tips?

white knight — Fri, 04 Aug 2023 05:29:14 GMT

Hi Jemma,

I'd like to talk about loss of confidence. During my 11 years (2 kids) of marriage to my 1st wife, the silence used as a weapon seriously damaged my confidence. I wasnt as strong mentally as her and eventually I had to leave.

I moved into a caravan park and had a small mirror. Every day I'd stare in that mirror as a ritual and out loud (not too loud lol) I'd say "you are a good man Tony, you deserve love and kindness, chin up....". After about 6 months maybe less my confidence grew remarkably. Other things that helped it was the purchase of a block of land (a direction), the subsiding of my grief of losing my full time fatherhood, my dog, neighbours and town. In fact there was also a remarkable event that told me "I'd made it".

See after our divorce I built my own home and it was a huge challenge while I worked shift work. Once in the house my kids came over for their first weekend for 12 months. The girls had a new bedroom, fairy doonas and curtain overlooking a fairy garden I'd built them. When they returned to mu they told her all about it. Two weeks later I received a letter from child support to which my ex said "he has a new house and mine is 100 years old, I deserve more child support". I was shocked.

So I replied that the marriage settlement included her getting the house and mortgage and I got the garage for relocation. I had also built my own kit home as I couldnt afford one already built. I pay all respective child support and even more.

I received a reply that her application had been denied.

So event can come over time whereby you get the confidence within yourself to not only move on but rise above it all and that is a big release.

You are doing very well.

TonyWK

Re: End of a relationship, self-care tips?

jemma09 — Sat, 05 Aug 2023 15:04:51 GMT

Hi TonyWK,

Your message about confidence came at the perfect time as I feel the loss of that weighing on me some days, thank you so much for your extra reply here. I really do appreciate your time you have put in to replying to me. Everyone here is so supportive, it feels like the only place I can be myself at the moment. So for that, I am truly grateful.

Hearing about your story has been inspiring for me hearing the steps it takes to move forward. It also gives me confidence to stand up for my decision, boundaries and to keep pushing forward. While reading your story I loved hearing about the fairy garden, it sounds so magical. I am really glad you got to a better place and I hope you are still doing well 😊

I can try a version of the mirror technique... I like affirmations. So I might try to research some now and print them and paste them where I will see them everyday. I do have one quote I always have on display which is called "regression to the mean." It talks about no matter how good or bad something is, everything always goes back to a baseline. I have always found that comforting.

I found some I like, ... "I am free to be the best version of me, ... "I am allowing myself to feel all my emotions." I think that's a good start!

As for a direction in life, that has always been to be happy. Other direction is my career. Though, I am having some issues at work unfortunately, but will work to remedy them. 🤗

I have been doing some reading on mental health and health in general after relationships end. I have been able to find the best way to very clearly communicate having space for a proper amount of time. I think it will be healthy.

Thanks again and take care,

Jemma

Re: End of a relationship, self-care tips?

white knight — Sun, 06 Aug 2023 01:22:03 GMT

Hi Jemma

Your 1st paragraph produced a tear. This platform is a most humbling place. We dont expect thankyou's nor gratitude, but when it comes it has a remarkable result. One tear to some can mean the world.

I also grasped quotes.

I'm not in this world to live up to your expectations

The good side of my ex partner was magical... the other side I couldnt live with

I've been a jail warder, faced the toughest... yet I cant tolerate you using silence as a weapon

I write this long letter to you (ex) and to demonstrate your relevance... I not send it

Never go backwards

My embracing you should never be second to a mere distraction

I hate arrogance yet, the realisation that many humans are stupid, destructive and nasty puts me in that category

I'm not special, but I carry every lady on this planet over hot coals to protect, but I am not special

Going against the male "flow" I will pat other men on the shoulder to let them know I'm there

Give a homeless a dollar for his smile or make him rich with conversation about only him

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/cutting-ties-clarity-and-confidence/td-p/571040

That's it. How do you feel now?

TonyWK

Re: End of a relationship, self-care tips?

Bob_22 — Wed, 09 Aug 2023 03:57:56 GMT

Hi jemma09,

Thank you for the update. No worries at all. We are here to listen and I'm glad you feel you can express yourself freely on these forums. You sound like a great friend and I'm sure your friend who is struggling is grateful for your support. I hope it hasn't been too tough for you. Let us know how you go with your therapist appointment. It may be worthwile, since there's a few things to chat about, to write down things you'd like to address in the brief time you have with your counsellor. I do this, otherwise I find the hour goes by so quickly without getting a chance to discuss what I would like to unpack more.

I also hope you've had more space from your ex-partner as you heal. Be kind to yourself and don't be afraid to assert boundaries.

Bob

Re: End of a relationship, self-care tips?

jemma09 — Fri, 25 Aug 2023 01:33:56 GMT

Hi TonyWK,

Thank you for your patience while I replied 😊

I am so glad I could share my gratitude, it's such an important thing to bring recognition to the people that make time to sit with and offer advice to others so they are no longer alone.

All of you are ⭐🌠AMAZING🌠⭐

I had read your reply soon after you wrote it and appreciated your extra quotes!! I have also read your link there too. Wonderful words to share. It's quite interesting reading this again a few weeks later actually, because I feel much on the other side now it is very easy for me to find the logic and strength in the quotes.

I am doing absolutely awesome. I am so happy. Thank you for asking!

In between me being here I caught a cold and had to rest, but also saw my therapist in the mean time too which was wonderful so I thought I'd reply again now I've seen them.

My confidence generally has also skyrocketed. I have been able to remain very sure of myself.

The feeling of freedom to live my life and keep focused on my wellbeing is unmatched. I am making leaps and bounds at work too which is exciting. I am getting back into yoga and trying to keep up with socialising. I no longer feel such pressure anymore now that I am just with myself, so in turn, that has me feeling much more comfortable everyday.

I hope you have been well and had a lovely week! 😊

Re: End of a relationship, self-care tips?

jemma09 — Fri, 25 Aug 2023 01:49:31 GMT

Hi Bob,

Thank you for your reply and your patience while I got back to you 😊

I appreciate your empathy in every reply, it helped me feel comforted. As I mentioned up there, all of you are amazing!

I appreciate your words about my friendship, that was lovely to hear. My friend is doing much better. We have a good system we use now. We are able to hide words in our messages, so we both do that when we are venting or talking about heavy topics - and then we allow the reader to have a boundary on when they are in the right mindset to read it. So that has worked great for us to both express ourselves.

I visited my therapist this week, it was a very nice appointment. I appreciated your message here of making a list, I made one in my mind which assisted a lot!

My therapist recognised the magnitude of things that have been going on with this and also another issue I was having. It was so wonderful for me to hear her say that I was dealing with everything so healthily. She drew attention to my ability to process emotion and sit with it ... that's something I've struggled with in the past - so hearing that was awesome! She also told me my window of tolerance is good and my emotional intelligence is high and that made me feel so happy and proud.

I am feeling very confident and happy these days. I am having my own space and absolutely keeping my boundaries, thank you. I am glad I am in a place in which I absolutely refuse to pay credence to any comments on my boundaries. I am able to keep to my health and wellbeing needs.

My therapist was able to identify some gaslighting tendencies from my ex, especially around the break up. I was able to identify these too, so it was nice to have it confirmed. Some of the things said to me by my ex gave me a chuckle to be honest because of the foolishness. I am grateful I can see through it to that point and separate myself from it. So the boundaries are incredibly important and I am focused on myself... still allowing myself to grieve when it pops up - but I feel like I am on the other side now.

I hope you have had a good week and have been well! 😊

Re: End of a relationship, self-care tips?

Ash-H — Sun, 27 Aug 2023 13:16:28 GMT

Reading this broke my heart because for the whole thing I swear it was my ex wife writing it. I’m sorry that you are going through this. As someone who has put my wife in the position you are now in I want to apologise on behalf of your partner. I don’t know their intentions but I know how much I love my wife and wish I could go back and fix all of the mistakes I made in both my relationship and the separation.

I don’t know if it brings you comfort but I’m proud if you for standing up for what you need and I’m sorry people like me don’t know how to cope and that gets projected onto people like you

it’s more to do with us than you