topic Re: Advice please in Relationship and family issues

Advice please

Molly91 — Mon, 24 Jul 2023 14:14:59 GMT

Hello everyone, I'm very new to this..

My partner and I are an extremely close couple , very similar and we enjoy nothing more than to spend time with each other and our beautiful animals.

I first met him through work and we instantly hit it off.

I knew he was seperated but he told me they were going to be divorced and was only a matter of time as he wanted to progress in life with me and have a future.

Fast forward 2 years and I'm still asking him when... I get excuse after excuse and he even gets defensive about it , saying "it's between us" and "it doesn't have anything to do with you" ect.

95% of the time, we couldn't be happier. Genuinely happy. But I feel that it does have something to do with me as I am meant to be in his picture. He talks about her all the time, still has contact, sends her birthday gifts and gives her staff discount. To top it off, he hides me from her. He has told me all this.

I really don't know what to do. I have voiced my feelings now for 2 years and not even a tiny bit of action to get divorced or the ball rolling. I feel worthless and at the bottom of his priority list. She cheated on him and he defensive of her. They've been seperated nearly as long as they were married.

We were meant to be moving into our first home together but I feel completely uncomfortable with that idea as her presence is too strong and involved.

I need advice, I love him but I can't stick around to be disrespected. I'm a simple person and don't ask for much,I simply wanted him to put our future before his past, but he won't.

Re: Advice please

Croix — Mon, 24 Jul 2023 13:36:51 GMT

Dear Molly91~

Welcome here to the Forum. It can be a good place to get other people's views, particularly if the have been in similar situations.

Please excuse me for being blunt, I think you should have the facts (as I see them of course).

At the moment you are accepting second best, and deserve better. To go into a long term partnership with anyone both peole have to take care of the other, cherish and love them and be honest with them

Your friend is not doing that, having lead you on with stories of getting a divorce that is no longer looking at all likely. In fact he seem to act as if his wife is more imortant than you, even going to the extent of hiding you from her. Add to that he talks about her all the time, plus says it is nothing to do with oyu - which is cruel rubbish

Feeling worthless and at the bottom of his priority list is a pretty big indicator you are not being loved and cherished, in fact may be more of a convenience.

I'm sorry to sound so negative however it is not unusual for separated couple to get back together, or one of them not let go, and in the meantime any new relationship suffers and can be discarded.

What do you think you would like to do? Do you think if you insisted for the relationship to continue he had to file for divorce strait away? I realise if things did not turn out well it will be difficult at work

Please let us know what you think

Croix

Re: Advice please

Molly91 — Tue, 25 Jul 2023 01:51:38 GMT

Thank you so much for your reply, it's very much appreciated.

The hard part for me is that he does cherish me, opens car doors, brings me flowers and 95% of the time we are extremely right for one another.

I feel very much in the shadow of his ex and I am torn. I haven't been happier with anyone before but this is taking its toll. 2 years I have only asked for one thing, for him to get a divorce. In hindsight I should've waited.

He is a very complex person ,a very good person. But he also takes his time with things.... hr long talks to strangers about a topic ect.

I function very differently, I am a high speed multitasker so I'm worried I am at fault here as I have never been in his position. Never been married or made a priority. I just don't know what to do.

Re: Advice please

Molly91 — Tue, 25 Jul 2023 01:52:42 GMT

If he files for divorce now, I will always know that I had to push for it.

I wish I was important enough to be made his priority. I'll always know that I wasn't.

Re: Advice please

sashamentalhealth — Tue, 25 Jul 2023 02:07:03 GMT

Hi Molly,

i have read your first post and your latest post as well.

i know it can be very hard to see the negative sides of a person when you love them dearly. however, i do see a pattern of disrespect for you, your relationship, and the boundaries you have set. i definitely think that its not your fault as what you're asking for is very reasonable considering that the both of you have made the commitment to be in each other's lives. the very least he could do is to respect you as a partner.

i have never been in your position, so i apologise if this advice is not as helpful as you'd like it to be. however, if i were to be in your position, i would ask him to make a choice between myself and his ex. if it does not turn out the way you hoped, i think it would be a sign that you've dodged a bullet and would save you the trouble of having to beg further into the future.

Re: Advice please

tranzcrybe — Tue, 25 Jul 2023 03:07:37 GMT

That is a very astute observation even if coming from your negativity about the prospects of any future you desire together. The shadow of 'the other woman' will always hover over you if deemed a condition of your relationship.
Partner sounds like a sensitive and caring person, hence still carrying some feeling for his role in the tribulations of his failed marriage (which is also very considerate and valid as it is rarely all one sided).
Out of respect for his quandary, and as a sign of the love you have, how would you feel about expressing your intention to step out of the relationship until things are finalised? Paying careful attention to his response may prove enlightening as it is actually you who possesses the key to both the problem and the solution.
Your not quitting on him and it's not an ultimatum of 'me or her', just providing the space he needs along with some incentive to resolve this in pursuit of what he truly desires. Presently you are simply making it too easy to have both.
In other words, it won't be up to you force the outcome and he can arrive at whatever conclusion he needs.
Naturally, this carries some risk and will challenge your faith in the partnership, but that's what true love demands - whatever prevails, you will have clarity without a word being spoken.

Re: Advice please

therising — Tue, 25 Jul 2023 08:31:04 GMT

Hi Molly

I have to say you're a tolerant person when it comes to this business of divorce. I think it's one thing if a separated couple don't have their partners pushing for such a thing but it's altogether different when a partner or partners are pushing for progress and legal separation for a number of reasons. Maybe you could bring up the idea with your guy that you don't want to invest in a house with him as long as his wife could still possibly have some legal rights (in divorce proceedings) to a portion of any property he owns, including part of the property he will own with you. With the idea that things could get messy I'd be saying, if it was me, 'If you're going to put me in a difficult situation as we move forward, I gotta seriously question that. Is not getting a divorce a matter of 1)lack of funds, 2)laziness or 3)because you have an agenda? Be completely honest with me and yourself and stop wasting my time with excuses'. I know, sounds a bit harsh but it's definitely straight to the point.

Can recall saying to my husband before we were married (just over 21 years ago) 'Decide whether you want to make a solid commitment or not. Don't wast my time if that's not your plan'. The rest is history 🙂. Btw, my husband's always been the kind of guy who doesn't like to deal with forms of change that really challenge him. Not sure if your guy's the same. The problem with this way of living is...when your partner's not changing and facing constructive challenges in the way of moving forward, you end up adapting to no changes, while feeling yourself standing still (which can become a depressing challenge in some cases). You shouldn't have to wait and stand still for them.

Re: Advice please

smallwolf — Tue, 25 Jul 2023 12:23:41 GMT

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this challenging situation. I imagine it must be incredibly tough to love someone but feel stuck in this uncertainty. Your feelings are valid, and it's completely understandable that you'd want to prioritize your own well-being and happiness. And feeling like you're not a priority can be very hurtful.

My own thoughts here are ...

you deserve to be with someone who values and respects you, and who actively works towards building a future together. If you've already expressed your concerns and nothing has changed, it might be necessary to have a serious conversation with your partner about your feelings and what you need from the relationship.

You deserve to be happy and have a partner who is fully committed to you and your future together. I wonder if there are people you trust that you can talk to about this and get their advice?

Re: Advice please

Molly91 — Tue, 25 Jul 2023 12:37:37 GMT

Thank you very much for your message.

I have had conversations with him many times over the 2 years about how I feel but he gets really defensive and makes constant excuses. I feel very much in her shadow ,even though he says this is me over thinking every thing. I don't feel like it is, I just don't want to live in his past, I wanted a fresh future.

Unfortunately, no. I don't have anyone to talk to, that's why I reached out on this platform. My Mum isn't well and I didn't want to stress her more. My dog isn't very talkative, but he gives great hugs.

Re: Advice please

Molly91 — Tue, 25 Jul 2023 12:44:49 GMT

Thank you for all your very sound advice. It's greatly appreciated.

I have had countless conversations with him about how I feel and still no change.

I saw him two days ago and unfortunately my emotions exploded and was in tears the whole time. I just can't believe I have to beg him for a divorce.

He is a very kind person,almost too kind.

His wife cheated on him and he still has her on his pedestal.

I know he takes this slowly and i run at a thousand miles an hour but 2 years (plus the 3 years before me) is a long time to not get a divorce.

I just don't know where I stand. He says he wants a future but I don't want to live with a married man ,in a house full of his spouses old furniture. Am I just too sheltered? Am I over thinking this?

He says I am making a big deal out of nothing and it's more important for women ,the idea of marriage. Ect

It was a make or break conversation the other night. I hate crying infront of people, I usually am upset in the privacy of my car. But I just can't help it anymore.

My life is stressful enough, without all this happening as well.

I'm happy that you have a happy marriage.

I just wish I was valued once in my life.

Re: Advice please

Molly91 — Tue, 25 Jul 2023 12:52:18 GMT

Thank you for your message. It's very much appreciated.

Yes he is an extremely kind person, almost too kind.

His wife cheated on him and he still has her on his pedestal kind of kind.

I'm a very simple person, I have only ever asked him for one thing. To get divorced.

I wish in hindsight that I waited to be involved in his life, maybe then he would've done something sooner.

I had a make or break conversation with him the other night. I was in tears like an idiot the whole time.

It didn't go well and he ended up leaving after some time. He was upset too ,saying he didn't know what was happening. I have asked him for two years to please sort out the divorce and nothing.

I have told him every step of the way but it appears that he hasn't listened.

He went home (4hr drive) and I stayed at my Mums place , where I will be staying.

The next day , after I made contact, he apologised and said he will be taking the time to better himself in my eyes , after I said I will be stepping back for my well being.

I am overwhelmed with guilt now. Have I done the wrong thing? Am I over thinking this?

He says I am overthinking this and making it a big deal but for me , it is a big deal

Re: Advice please

Molly91 — Tue, 25 Jul 2023 12:59:13 GMT

Thank you very much for your opinion and advice, it's very helpful and appreciated.

I am known to tolerate alot of crap in my life, but genuinely thought he was different. He is a wonderful person but boundaries are very much not being respected here. This is the only boundaries I have had to set with him ,because every other thing has been great. I've only ever asked him for this one thing but nothing, he has nearly been separated as long as he was (is) married. Separated for 4.5 yrs ,married for 6). She cheated on him and he still praises her and hides me.

He says I'm over thinking things but honestly, I don't think I am. I don't want to live with a married man in our "home" full of his spouses furniture. Am I wrong ? Am I being insensitive ?

I had a make or break conversation with him two days ago. I cried the whole time like an idiot. After a while he left to go home and I stayed at my Mums place. The next day I contacted him and said I am stepping back for my well being. He apologised and said he will take the time to hopefully better himself in my eyes.

I am now overwhelmed with guilt. What's wrong with me.

Re: Advice please

Croix — Tue, 25 Jul 2023 13:32:24 GMT

Dear Molly91~

You said "The hard part for me is that he does cherish me, opens car doors, brings me flowers and 95% of the time we are extremely right for one another."

Well I'm afraid these are the easy things, they can have a disproportionate amount of effect for the small effort and lack of commitment involved.

If he was to do the hard stuff, get a divorce, ask you what you wanted in the way of house and furniture and permanently disregard his ex then things would be different -sadly they are not.

Feeling guilty for simply wanting what you deserve - genuine affection which is more important than anything else to him - is natural for giving and loving person, but is misplaced, as is feeling small when treated badly.

Sorry not to bear better news

Croix

Re: Advice please

tranzcrybe — Tue, 25 Jul 2023 13:55:49 GMT

No doubt he is listening now and, while unpleasant to go through, it breaks the stalemate of inaction which has brought you to this hiatus.

A true relationship keeps no secrets and you have outlined honestly what is bothering you - and backed up your words with affirmative action.

Right now, you are sacrificing what you want in order to achieve what you need.

Have faith in yourself as more than worthy of his respect and adoration - if it is to be, you will know soon enough.

Naturally you will be feeling his pain (possibly more than your own) but commitment doesn't always mean giving in to the other if for the common objective.

Strong relationships must withstand any test for what one does for the other is the measure of devotion.

Re: Advice please

Molly91 — Wed, 26 Jul 2023 09:39:54 GMT

Thank you, it's very helpful getting a different perspective.

Do you think it's unreasonable for me to want him to cut contact with his ex? He believes so.

If this was a normal situation, I wouldn't have an issue but I really do have an issue with it now.

Re: Advice please

Molly91 — Wed, 26 Jul 2023 09:42:07 GMT

Thank you for your helpful advice.

Day two of no contact with him and it's really getting hard on me. I believe what I did was the right thing to do but I can't help but feel overwhelmingly guilty.

Re: Advice please

quirkywords — Wed, 26 Jul 2023 10:29:22 GMT

Molly ,

what do you feel guilty about..

You can get ideas from others but it is your life . You didn’t sound very happy when you wrote the first post.

You are not alone and we are listening. Feel free to let us know how you are coping.

Re: Advice please

tranzcrybe — Wed, 26 Jul 2023 10:44:29 GMT

Maybe going 'no contact' is a bit extreme - you are stepping back, not out, and keeping the communication open and frank (if from a distance) shows concern while maintaining your stance.
Hearing what needs to be said can be constructive in reaching understanding - expressing how you feel ostracised and diminished when it comes to his marriage dissolution might open up some channels for you to find empathy for whatever struggles he is facing; but without being taken into his trust, you can only project your own doubts and fears (hence the guilt feeling), and such things can create a wedge between you.

Re: Advice please

therising — Wed, 26 Jul 2023 19:06:20 GMT

Hi Molly

I think everyone's situation is different when it comes to matters of divorce. When I think of my sister who separated from her husband about 9 years ago, it's only now that they're getting a divorce, due to her ex wanting it and being able to settle down with the woman he's now with, someone he's buying a house with. Up until now, they've simply been more than happy living apart. My own parents separated about 23 years ago, in their early 60s. They never got a divorce but they did get a legal separation. Both had no desire to ever seek out a partner after their marriage ended but they did want the law to recognise they were no longer together. So, I think it all depends what the objective is. Does divorce serve a purpose and, if so, what purpose does it serve?

In my opinion, I wouldn't say you're overthinking things. Understandably, you're giving it a lot of thought while also feeling a lot of emotions. It means a lot to you, that you're able to establish a life with a man who's no longer married. To me that sounds perfectly reasonable.

I've found when a lot of mixed emotions become a significant factor in a relationship, it can feel so tormenting: Love mixed with disappointment, mixed with moments of joy, excitement, self doubt, frustration etc etc. Can be like a tornado of emotions, gradually building in intensity. I've found one of the toughest emotions to manage is dismissiveness (from another). Can really get you in the heart at times. If you're supposedly 'making a big deal out of nothing (his marriage)' and 'marriage is more important for women' then, as a man, he should have no problem putting an end to something that means nothing to him on 2 counts. If you're feeling the longing for a fresh start in a new upcoming stage of your relationship, I wonder whether he feels it as a new stage or it simply feels like a continuation of your relationship. Fresh starts and new stages have such an exciting vibe or feel to them. Perhaps you're more of a feeler than he is, which may explain why you're desperate to feel the end of the marriage.