topic Re: I am totally over everything in Relationship and family issues

I am totally over everything

Gamechanger — Thu, 13 Jul 2023 05:00:47 GMT

I live with my almost 19 year old son. I have issues and am on DSP because of these issues. I work as much as I can and keep everything running although I don't feel like doing so most of the time. The house is always clean, bills paid, lots of food etc and I make nice meals everynight.

My son is so disrespectful and he is seriously upsetting me. He does nothing but sit in his computer room swearing at idiots on the game. He spends his pittance from his part time job on weed and takeaway food. He had his idiot friend over the other night. They got totally drunk. His friend was asleep on the couch...my son was being totally crazy. Set fire to his pants by the back door, if I hadn't been aware of this the whole house could have gone up in flames. He was being disgusting, rude, scaring me and being so disrespectful to me.

The day after he was ashamed and apologetic. He then had insomnia for three nights and again became argumentative and belligerent towards me. I have tried getting him help and he always bails at the last minute. I am at the stage where I am starting to hate him. He is ruining any semblance of a life I could have. I do not need to be in this big house with the big mortgage. I could live in a unit and have money and no stress. He is totally incapable of living elsewhere and I would not kick him out as he would end up dead. But I am ruined inside by his behaviour and the fact I am absolutely trapped.

His 'father' has a lot to do with all of this but he has remarried and has always treated my son like a nuisance. My son hates him and wants him dead.

I just want some peace and I think there is only one way to get that.

Re: I am totally over everything

white knight — Thu, 13 Jul 2023 07:36:51 GMT

Hi, welcome

I'm sad that you are in this predicament. In these situations there is only one answer imo and that is tough love.

Re: "He spends his pittance from his part time job on weed and takeaway food." does he pay rent? does he buy his own alcohol? Does he pay for electricity? Food? Gas? Rates?

The problem I have with some parents is the softly softly approach to their adult childrens responsibilities. They should have learned as young teens about paying your own way through life, that there comes a day that they have to pay for every cent of their existence, not a token sum especially a low board amount and then have enough money left over for drugs and alcohol. That is not appropriate.

Feeling trapped is a bad feeling so I sympathise with you that you've ended up in this situation. However, it is your home and now you are being taken for granted. So, hard as it seems I would be informing him - that he has 4 weeks to find a place to stay. When that 4 weeks comes up he'll be worried that he hasnt found a place and he'll be required to ask for an extension period. "If you can afford weed and alcohol, you can afford to find a room to live". would be my answer. The alternative is to sell the home and inform him that you want to purchase a one bedroom unit and have a low debt but that means he must find a room to live (like many his age especially uni students. He could also find a second or even third job like many of us did especially a few decades ago.

I'm sorry I cant be more helpful but "charity begins at home"

TonyWK

Re: I am totally over everything

tranzcrybe — Thu, 13 Jul 2023 11:08:49 GMT

Not knowing your personal situation, there are a few things to consider and try at your discretion.

However, the first step is to dispense with the notion that you and your son live together - no, you are sharing a house and (hopefully) living your own lives in harmony and mutual respect for each other (and it does apply equally to both) until he has the capacity to be independent.

See if you can:-

-> provide semi independence for him with a bungalow in the back yard - he wants to live his own life

-> create designated spaces in the house - yours, mine, and ours to ensure you have an 'escape'. One or two new walls or simply some strategically placed door locks can divide your space quite effectively

-> calculate the proportion of income you spend on the mortgage and apply the same factor to whatever income he earns - effectively becoming tenants in common. If you have the time, this could also extend across utilities, food, and repairs.

-> alternatively, substitute money with work in kind - household chores, garden and building maintenance, even a few days of cleaning, laundry, and even cooking (if you can tolerate it!) to share the responsibilities but also to educate him on the essentials in the process

-> have a 'quid pro quo' agreement whereby every hour on computer is equaled with the same time in some other service area (chores, employment, studies, or just helping out around the place)

Of course, it's not about covering expenses but aclimatising your son to life in the real world. Give him responsibilities and see they are met until it becomes second nature.

I know what you are thinking though: he'll never do any of that!

Start small and gradually introduce things. Assist where you can until he gets the idea and understands that this is a collaboration, not a holiday camp.

It sounds like you 'want out' of this partnership but I feel that the peace you seek will only truly come once your son finds direction in his life; so you'll be doing this for him but equally helping yourself.

Re: I am totally over everything

Gamechanger — Fri, 14 Jul 2023 05:44:16 GMT

Thanks for your responses and advice. I can't say how bad it is really. He is totally incapable of living elsewhere. He is a baby still. He has issues too and I feel I have to help him. I love him of course. But I can't live like this anymore. I drink and smoke heaps because I am so stressed, lonely and depressed. I have nothing to live for. I have had a horrible life. I find no joy in anything anymore. I lost my beautiful dog to lymphoma in December and I haven't gotten over that. Why would I...nothing good ever happens. Other than this site nobody gives a sh.. about me. I am just a doormat and a slave to my son. I keep struggling on but I am done. I have no support from my useless narcissistic family. I am totally on my own now that my best friend died. She was the love of my life. The most perfect sweet adorable dog. I only had her for 7 months. I will never get over her and I pretty much just hate people in general. Selfish, rude and obnoxious. Present company excepted of course.

Re: I am totally over everything

Sophie_M — Fri, 14 Jul 2023 05:49:16 GMT

Hi Gamechanger, We are so glad that this is a safe space for you to share what you are going through.

When the 'real world' can feel like a lonely place, we want to make sure this is a welcoming and supportive space to be.

We’re reaching out to you to offer some support in private. In the meantime, we encourage you to give us a call on the Beyond Blue Support Service. We are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 and our counsellors are good at talking people through moments like this and working out options for more support.

Another option would be ringing Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), who can talk things through with you, and help you to plan for your safety.

If you’re feeling suicidal or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency, and you need to call 000 (triple zero).

We’re sure we’ll hear from some of our lovely community members here on your thread soon. Take good care of yourself.

Kind regards,
Sophie M

Re: I am totally over everything

tranzcrybe — Fri, 14 Jul 2023 11:18:50 GMT

You set the bar pretty high in expecting people to ever achieve the qualities of our canine friends, and it sounds so unfair that you lost her so soon. While another won't replace the connection you shared, it can soften the blow and restore some faith and purpose again.
I also acknowledge your comment about your son, "He is a baby still". I wonder if you are not giving him enough credit to listen to your concerns on an adult level - how people respond is often based on how they are treated; and with few others to express yourself, you might be surprised what a quiet and heartfelt conversation can accomplish.

Re: I am totally over everything

white knight — Fri, 14 Jul 2023 23:20:56 GMT

Your latest post highlights a few essential facts, your unhappiness with other parts if your life other than your son, his antics and disregard.

I'm touched with your love for your dog. My wife and I love animals more than humans and have 2 adorable mini foxies. 12 years ago my wife lost her 16yo cat. 3 months later we bought "Rosie" and that help her recover. I suggest it's time to add another puppy to your life. There's one out there that will look into your beautiful kind eyes for love and affection.

There is other ways to seek a happier life like joining a group that helps others. You might need a good friend or two. I have members of my family that are narcissistic and have had to discard them for my sanity. It has left me with guilt and worthlessness but I've forced myself to fulfill my needs and find the love I truly deserve.

So yes, your son is currently problematic and he needs tough love by firm boundaries that you should set. If he is that immature (a baby) the all the more reason to set them.

I hope you feel better.

How are you today?

Would a puppy help?

TonyWK

Re: I am totally over everything

Gamechanger — Tue, 18 Jul 2023 04:07:48 GMT

Thanks everyone for your support.

I am still trying to get through to my son....to no avail. I think because I don't work much he thinks that is how life is. It doesn't matter that I have worked all of my life and am now having to slow down due to mental health issues and other.

I would love nothing more than another hound. However, I spent so much on my baby last year I have no savings left. I did adopt a darling cat! He is a rascal and makes me laugh! I love him. But again..nobody could replace my baby.

I have a few job offers that I am taking up. I truly think the best way out of this is for me to be away from home more and for me to feel useful in society. My son will figure it out sooner or later. He is not silly by any means. Just lazy and entitled. My fault I guess.

Re: I am totally over everything

white knight — Tue, 18 Jul 2023 04:50:35 GMT

Hi GC,

I'm pleased you have found a direction or at least you are pursuing one.

Your son is old enough to vote, drive etc. I think his immaturity is something that will take a long time to generate and it is time you focussed on yourself. Taking up job opportunities and being away from the home more is certainly an option. I hope you dont return home after work to find a mess, his responsibilities are still his.

Distance from your son regardless of how you do it serves 2 purposes- you focus on YOU and he must mature more quickly with mum not being around. New friends, maybe more than friends, who knows but you deserve happiness.

Well done

TonyWK

Re: I am totally over everything

Gamechanger — Wed, 19 Jul 2023 02:49:15 GMT

Thanks dear TonyWK

I think it will be a slow process but I am going to persist. I don't give up. Sometimes I feel like doing so but then I rally again. Usually after being on this site and having great support from lovely people such as yourself!

I have an interview tomorrow for a new job that I want and I think I will get it. I went out of my way for this one! It will be so good if I get it. Money, something to do that I like doing...being away from here and then he will have to figure it out for himself. As in how to get to his part time job, feed himself etc! He really is so immature! Lots of tough love coming up!

Re: I am totally over everything

Gamechanger — Sun, 30 Jul 2023 06:51:14 GMT

Well it gets worse. My sister has a very strong bond with our mother. To the point where she cares about nobody else (apparently). Mother has been ill and I have been trying to help out. Sister controls absolutely everything. I have done all I can to help Mum. Making her food, visiting and ringing her to make sure she is ok. Thankfully she is doing well.

It was my sons' birthday last week. Mum said there was some money for him somewhere..sweet Mum was concerned that my son (who absolutely adores my Mum) would think she had forgotten? I told her not to worry about it at all...it didn't matter. Mum kept on about it so I asked my sister (as she is in control of Mums' money...of course). She said 'didn't Mum give him his money on Thursday'?. I was gobsmacked. She was implying that I was trying to rip Mum off! Also...we did not see Mum on Thursday and my sister full well knew this! I am so angry and upset. She has implied I am trying to steal from Mum and she is trying to gaslight me! I had the misfortune to see her today (first time since Easter). As she came to visit Mum. She showed off about her social outings and the like. Did not ask one thing of me. She hates me and I do not know why. But I hate her now for her vile treatment of me. I will never understand her and I don't even want to anymore.

Re: I am totally over everything

white knight — Mon, 31 Jul 2023 02:58:35 GMT

I'd like to cover areas in a philosophical way.

We develop our relationships to believe we are obliged to have strong family bonds. But families usually have favourites and there is nothing that can be done about that. Some parents swing between their adult children for purposes of manipulation, playing one against the other eg if the younger one annoys me I'll give more attention to the older one for punishment. This happened in my family thousands of times, truly, it was like the weather.

In my case I found the only way to find peace (and that is the core of my post here- peace of mind) was to distance myself to my satisfaction then get on with my life. When doing that distancing (and for some of my relatives that included permanent separation) it hurt a lot less and over time a lot lot less!! That option was far better than fighting for what I believed was my rightful place in the family.

Eg I was the best son I could be to my demanding mother. After my father passed on in 1992 I'd paint her unit out, plant trees, hand clothes lines and so on. When I found out that she was criticising me behind my back ("Tony painted my unit out but he didnt finish one wall and I was so annoyed"... fact was we ran out of paint!!) and she favoured my sister in order to punish me then I had to find a strategy that gave me a happier life. So 12 years ago I permanently cut off my mother from my life.

The above is a drastic action also brought about by my mother ruining my wedding. So its an unusual level of toxicity however distancing can be anywhere in between. If your sister has financial power of attorney then she will believe and feel like she is the favoured child. Sad but it is your mothers choice. It is your right and decision making that is important here. Prolonging the toxic environment is only hurting you, your sister and mother are surviving quite nicely no matter what.

So back to your post. I dont feel that you'll ever be content with the current situation and there wont be any improvement coming from your sister. People think blood relative should sort things out well, I'm sorry, my family is a blend of blood and non blood. You cant pick your blood but you can decide what your future will be by deciding if you really want the level of contact that you have.

Am I making sense?

TonyWK