topic Re: Devastated in Relationship and family issues

Devastated

JayB72 — Sun, 18 Jun 2023 23:35:51 GMT

After seven years with my beautiful wife she has recently told me she wants to separate. To say I’m devastated is an understatement and I feel completely blindsided.

When I said I was blindsided she appeared shocked that I didn’t see it coming. We had great intimacy two holidays planned and paid for and seem to be moving on nicely.

I’ve asked if she wants to go see someone as a couple and she’s adamant it’s over.

It’s only been a month and I’m so confused and can hardly function. I feel like such a weak man and I see my wife slowly starting to hate me and that just isn’t warranted.

Can’t sleep, can’t eat and do nothing but cry (I’m not very good at crying)

I have given up my whole life to be with my wife, I’ve lost my relationship with my kids (first marriage) my well paying career and any financial security that I once had.

I’m soon to be a 51yo with not enough money to buy a house and don’t have the income to rent, for the first time in my life I’m terrified.

My wife and I own a small business together and going to work and seeing her function as normal just makes things worse.

I just don’t know what to do.

J 😞

Re: Devastated

Squishy13 — Mon, 19 Jun 2023 01:53:54 GMT

Hi J

That sounds brutal. I'm sorry about what you're going through.

Personally I think the thing you need most is an explanation. Is there any way she would be willing to communicate her reasons to you? If she is adamant the relationship is over there isn't anything you can do about that, but in order for you to resume your life and put things into action, you need to be able to understand why it has ended, or at least be told why she thinks it is over. I would ask her to just please provide that so you can begin moving on.

The other thing I would do, if you have the time and resources, is to find a new hobby or interest. It sounds like it's time for you to put yourself first and think about how you are going to make your life work now. And as you've done here, find support. I'm sure you will have people who will want to help you and listen. It's really important to open up, so good on you for taking that step.

Good luck with it all.

Re: Devastated

Dean07 — Mon, 19 Jun 2023 11:11:01 GMT

Sorry you are in this situation. It sucks.
You just have to do what is right for you. Use it as a chance to work out what you want and build a life around that.
The person that asks for the divorce is way ahead of the other person as far as processing the change.
Use any support networks that you have.
I’m 63 and just started down the divorce road after a 30 yr marriage.
I don’t have any easy answers for you but I’m told things get better with time.

I’ve read about grief and divorce. Joined a couple of facebook groups on men and divorce.
I have joined the Complete Men’s Group which meets every Tuesday night via Zoom. Australia based, has a moderator. It’s a safe place to talk about what it happening and get worries out.

I’ve found the loneliness the toughest. Finding people to connect with seems to help me the most.
Good luck.

Re: Devastated

JayB72 — Mon, 19 Jun 2023 21:37:29 GMT

Thank you for taking the time to reply. Very much appreciated.

Re: Devastated

JayB72 — Mon, 19 Jun 2023 21:39:03 GMT

Thank you Dean, I have been looking at some men’s groups. Thanks for taking the time to reply.

Re: Devastated

Dean07 — Tue, 20 Jun 2023 12:55:57 GMT

You are very welcome. It’s a time when we need to support each other.

How are you travelling now?
I find my emotions can change very quickly. Day to day and sometimes hour to hour. I’ve found allowing myself to feel them and except them as part of the process has helped. Feeling crap sometimes is okay.

I had an amazing Men’s Group tonight. We have a task over the next month, if we choose, to ask the questions. Who am I? What do I want? How do I show up in the world?

There is supporting documents to help out with the process.
I’m really looking forward to seeing what answers I get and seeing what other people in the group find.

Hope you are holding up okay.

Re: Devastated

JayB72 — Wed, 21 Jun 2023 09:05:45 GMT

Hey Dean you nailed it on the head, my emotions are everywhere but happy at the moment, one second I’m plugging along the next I’m running for cover about to cry uncontrollably.
thanks again, I’ll have to find a men’s group.

Re: Devastated

Dean07 — Wed, 21 Jun 2023 13:19:55 GMT

It’s great that you are happy atm.
I had a bad day today. I was thinking how sad it is that my marriage failed and that I’ll miss my wife. We were sorting out some financial issues as well. I was very anxious about that.
Luckily my wife came to the rescue. During the discussion she put me down, belittled me and in general reminded me why I’m not a good as her. I found this very helpful as it reminded me of why I want a divorce.
Managed to get over feeling sad quite quickly really. 😁

Come and join our men’s group. You could come and have a quick look. If it’s not for you just log off no one will judge you for it. The people that run the site won’t chase you with advertising or try to sell you something. It’s set up for people to attend when and if you want to. I wasn’t sure what to expect on my first meeting but it was great. I find I come away with a burden lifted off after talking about is really worrying me.

Re: Devastated

JayB72 — Thu, 22 Jun 2023 23:30:31 GMT

thanks so much

Re: Devastated

JayB72 — Thu, 22 Jun 2023 23:33:50 GMT

Hey Dean, thanks again. Is there a link or sign up page for the men’s group?

Re: Devastated

Dean07 — Fri, 23 Jun 2023 12:30:30 GMT

Hi Jay
There is no direct link to log into the meeting but a url to register is https://completemen.org.au/online-mens-groups
There is a calendar at the bottom of the page. Select the meeting you want to attend, register and you will be sent a link.

We are looking at, who we are, what we want to be, meaning of life stuff atm. Along with sharing where each individuals life if they want to share.
I was speaking to one of the guys today and he had another way of tackling the big questions. He looked at it from the side of what do we need as human beings to feel safe and function in the world. Love, Shelter, a purpose etc. Then he looked at what his life would look like to get these needs met.

Anyway I always come away from the meeting with something to think about.

Hope to see you there.

Cheers

Dean

Re: Devastated

Earth Girl — Sun, 25 Jun 2023 04:40:08 GMT

Hi JayB72

I'm so sorry to hear this!

I'm guilty of once ending a friendship with two people unexpectedly and I was confused as to why they were so upset (they are actually really angry with me now and this happened a few years ago). I didn't think it would hurt them, I just thought they would know that I just wasn't really feeling the friendship anymore. I still feel kind of bad about it. I was actually surprised when they asked why I deleted them because I didn't think that would happen. I'm very naive for a my age.

I'm very surprised though that you were in a MARRIAGE together for several years and had planned holidays together and she randomly told you it's over. Usually when people have been that close for a long time, I think they both start to realize that things don't feel the same anymore so there is a little bit of warning at least.

Since she also sounds a bit confused and thought that you would have seen it coming, I would probably wait a little while and then ask her again if you have done anything wrong. If she says no, I would ask if she grew out of how she felt about the marriage. If after this, she still doesn't say much, maybe say something like "I just miss you and I'm still a bit surprised just because I thought we were traveling really well. If you ever want to talk, I'm happy to listen."

Since she doesn't seem to realize how you are feeling, I think this would be the best way to talk to her because it's very easy going and it gives her the chance to eventually say more which hopefully she will. Maybe you could also say "If there's anything I could have done differently, please let me know."

I'm really not sure what made her change her mind so suddenly, but maybe she felt like this for a while and somehow thought you knew?

I also find it strange that she's acting like she even hates you now - it seems a bit extreme for her to feel this way. Did she tell you she felt this way?

It's completely normal for you to cry a lot over this, it doesn't make you weak. You actually sound like you are being very strong considering everything that's happening at the moment. Most people would cry over this. People even cry when they see a divorce coming because even then it is hard. When you have no idea about it though, that just makes it harder.

Do you have anyone you could live with for a little while?

Re: Devastated

JayB72 — Sun, 25 Jun 2023 22:08:27 GMT

Thanks so much earthgirl for your reply, unfortunately at my age living with a mate just isn’t an option unfortunately and the difficulty of it all is just how enmeshed our lives are we were completely inseparable only a few months back. We would always say and tell others “we don’t do apart well”.

it’s like she has flicked a switch and simply doesn’t care about me anymore it’s actually doing my head in. Every morning when I see her I burst into tears and yesterday she actually laughed. I have not seen her shed one tear over this.

im really scared, I gave up everything for my marriage to the point of losing my relationship with my adult children, my well paying job and the financial security I once had (gave my ex wife everything so I could move on).
she doesn’t say she’s mad at me I just see it in her demeanour.

we did have a chat and she told me that she feels like I’ve lied all these years about who I really am just to be with her.
Yet only a month back we are kissing and cuddling all day at work with customers constantly tell us “we’re sick” and my wife would tell them we just really love each other.
It appears to have all been a facade.

thank you again

Re: Devastated

Dean07 — Sun, 25 Jun 2023 23:14:34 GMT

It is just like a switch has been flicked. I've seen the same thing happened.

Your wife will have made this decision quite a while ago and have already moved on in her head.

It's all new to you and you are at the beginning of the grieving process.

The comment you made about not being you to fit into the relationship is something I'm looking at at the moment. There is a book called “ No More Mr Nice Guy” by Dr Robert Glover which explains the Nice Guy syndrome very well. I have been reading and have found it very helpful being a nice guy myself.

Don't think that this is all your fault because it won't be. It takes 2 people to keep a relationship together and everyone is flawed to some degree. We all bring things to relationships which don't help. Don't let anyone tell you it is entirely your fault.

You will be in shock at the moment as it is not what you were expecting. Have a look around on the web for the grieving process. This helped me understand some of the emotions I am going through.

Try to keep in contact with as many friends as you can find. Talking to a therapist can be very helpful. As I said before you are welcome on the men's forum.

In time things will get better even though they may not seem like they will at the moment.

You are still the person you were before you met your wife. You will find a life as that person again.

Be kind to yourself you deserve it.

Re: Devastated

Earth Girl — Mon, 26 Jun 2023 08:22:00 GMT

I'm sorry this is happening. Are you a shy person? I'm a shy person so I come across as really innocent to a lot of people before they get to know me more and when they do know me more, they act like I was being fake and I feel like I have to live up to what people think I'd be like (practically perfect) and it's really hard - I can't be myself.

There could also have been a misunderstanding. Did she give any examples as to why she thinks you act differently now and/or weren't being your true self in the relationship?

Just remember, in despite of what she believes, you are still a nice person and even if you don't get back together with her, you will eventually meet more people. Though I understand how much it must hurt at the moment.

Re: Devastated

JayB72 — Mon, 26 Jun 2023 12:43:29 GMT

Hi there, I am on the shy side until I get to know someone and you nailed it, I constantly try to be the person she wants. She told me I faked being religious, said I was a runner but we don’t run I’m lazy, unmotivating ect ect. She pretty much has already crushed my heart those words just killed it.

Re: Devastated

JayB72 — Mon, 26 Jun 2023 12:44:32 GMT

Thank you again Dean, really appreciated

Re: Devastated

Earth Girl — Tue, 27 Jun 2023 00:09:00 GMT

Yeah, it sucks that us shy people often have to try to live up to what people think and want us to be like, but also want us to be ourselves.

I also fully get being unmotivated. I only have the motivation to walk and use the computer, but it's really hard to find the motivation to do anything else.

I hope you are able to find someone who loves you for who you really are and you feel fully comfortable around them.

Re: Devastated

JayB72 — Tue, 27 Jun 2023 14:41:06 GMT

I also work my butt off 6 days a week along with having a chronic illness that sucks the life out of my energy supply. Something that she refused to acknowledge.
finding someone who truly loves me for me seems unlikely at this point in my life. I’m terrified to even think of dating.