topic Re: Teenage daughter in Relationship and family issues

Teenage daughter

N888 — Thu, 01 Jun 2023 07:22:07 GMT

What do you do if you find alcohol in your daughters room? Can anyone give me some advice please?

She has such an unhealthy lifestyle. Doesnt exercise, drinks sugar drinks, eats unhealthy food. (never at home).

Please help......

Re: Teenage daughter

smallwolf — Thu, 01 Jun 2023 11:23:26 GMT

hello,

I wrote to you in your other thread and you had mentioned your relationship with your daughter is strained. With that in mind, some suggestions

1. Choose a neutral setting where both of you can talk privately. Express your concern about her well-being and the potential consequences of unhealthy habits, including excessive drinking.

2. Listen to her perspective without judgment and make an effort to understand her point of view. Acknowledge any valid concerns or frustrations she might have.

3. Try to remain calm and non-confrontational. It's obvious that you care very much for her and her health.

4. If all else fails, you could try therapy together to rebuild or repair the relationship. They can provide guidance on how to navigate difficult conversations and improve communication within the family.

These are things that have helped me talk with my own children and maybe they will help you?

Re: Teenage daughter

dee789 — Sat, 03 Jun 2023 13:23:36 GMT

Hi N888,

How old is she?

How often do you see her and what are her friends like? Is she actually troubled or just has a lot of teenage angst? Teenage angst is a thing. Try not to panic.

Re: Teenage daughter

N888 — Sun, 04 Jun 2023 12:40:00 GMT

Hi.

She is 20. She lives with us, but she is either at uni, work or out with friends.

Some of her friends are ok, but one i dont like. She has alot of teenager angst/anger. Always angry. Any advise???

Re: Teenage daughter

smallwolf — Mon, 05 Jun 2023 10:40:59 GMT

hello.

It must be difficult situation having to deal with your daughter not knowing the level of anger you might be subjected to? And without knowing the circumstances around her, there can be many reasons for being like this. For example:

Hormonal changes
Stress and pressure
Lack of coping skills
Mental health concerns
Communication and relationship difficulties

Now I am not saying any of these apply to your daughter. My son, on the other hand, right now would have financial pressures and relationship issues and will present as grumpy around us. At the same age, I lived away from home. We are all learning and unfortunately I do not have the answers 😞

Re: Teenage daughter

Juliet_84 — Mon, 05 Jun 2023 11:31:45 GMT

Hi N888,

I will say that healthy eating and exercise tends to come with maturity (ie I think you might be pushing the proverbial up hill trying to get a 20 year old to be healthy). I was notoriously unhealthy as a 20 year old, I ate junk food, I drank, I smoked, I didn’t exercise, was out all night in clubs, I think it’s almost a rite of passage. And then I moved out, and I probably continued that for the next year or two, but a beautiful thing happened, you start having to cook for yourself. You start working full-time and you get in a routine. If you eat rubbish, you start getting sick and run down and picking up colds and you start wanting to eat better and exercise. Now I exercise 3-4 times a week intensely and a few extra days moderately, I eat well, take multivitamins, ensure I look after my health etc. It is a gradual evolution of maturity. But like most things, the person has to reach that place on their own. I moved out of home in my first year after graduating uni, do you think this may be an option in the near future?

Re: Teenage daughter

N888 — Mon, 05 Jun 2023 23:23:29 GMT

Hi. Yes, she is very unhealthy, always sick and never exercises. She is paying for a gym membership but never goes. I have come to terms that she needs to reach that point on her own. It still breaks my heart because she is so pretty.

Moving out, i dont know, she doesnt have alot of money, as she is a big spender. Thanks to her friends and keeping up with them

We pay for everything for her, i mean like the big bills. But we get no respect and she hasnt spoken to me for 3 days. I think that hurts the most. 😪

Re: Teenage daughter

N888 — Mon, 05 Jun 2023 23:29:37 GMT

Hi. Its very difficult when our kids vent their angry and frustration on us. I find it very difficult to deal with. I try to ask whats wrong in a nice way and i get dirty looks, cold shoulder or rolled eyes. Its like walking on egg shells around her. Its like im scared of her!

I know she has uni exams coming up and yes, stress, pressure and anxiety. I understand and she just keeps pushing me away. 😪

Re: Teenage daughter

N888 — Tue, 06 Jun 2023 03:05:39 GMT

Hi. What do you do if you dont like your daughters new boyfriend? I dont trust him nor like him. Mothers intuition and I dont get a good feeling from him. She came home last night with a love bite and that is all out of her norm. She is always a good girl. I hope this guy doesnt take advantage of her.

Re: Teenage daughter

Juliet_84 — Tue, 06 Jun 2023 11:29:35 GMT

Hi N888,

I would caution against “mothers intuition” as it’s not based in any facts or proof, and you are also too emotionally invested in the situation to look at him objectively. My partner’s mother was very against our relationship from the get-go, no one was ever good enough for her child, despite me having gone to university, encouraging him to save, working towards goals etc. any thing that he ever did wrong it was always because I “was a bad influence” when I was often behind the scenes trying to get him to stop. But as the partner you are acutely aware that you can do no right, will never be a part of your partners family so why bother, despite most people actually wanting acceptance from their partners family. All it ever does is sabotage any chance of happiness that your daughter wants in a relationship. If she cares for him and he is important to her then that should be enough for you to make an effort rather than making snap judgments based on insignificant things. You get a lot more flies with honey and people will always treat you better if you first treat them with kindness and respect.

Re: Teenage daughter

N888 — Wed, 07 Jun 2023 01:31:56 GMT

Hi.

Very true, I understand what you are saying. I think she is just happy that she has a boyfriend, than she actually having feelings for him and i over heard her say to her friend that he has red flags already. That he compares her to his ex girlfriend. My daughter is still naive and immature in this area. I dont want him taking advantage of her and make her do things she is not comfortable with. As a mum you always worry. 😪

Re: Teenage daughter

N888 — Wed, 07 Jun 2023 04:49:29 GMT

My anxiety and worry levels are really bad today. My husband said our daughter has bruises on the side of her face. I dont know how to approach her about it. Its either another love bite or he has hit her. 😢😢

I dont know what to do...im so scared.

Im scared!!

Why does she always attract bad scenarios or situations...why???...

What happens if he does something to her??? I will never forgive myself or what if she cant say no to him??

Hi N888, Thank you for sharing this here. We hope you ha...

Sophie_M — Wed, 07 Jun 2023 07:00:02 GMT

Hi N888, Thank you for sharing this here. We hope you have found some comfort in the kindness and understanding of our lovely community members. It sounds like you are a really caring and supportive parent, and it sounds like you’ve taken some incredibly important steps. There’s some advice here on having the conversation when someone isn’t sure they want to see a professional. It’s so important, that while caring for your child, you are aware of your own emotional wellbeing. Please remember to reach out any time you feel you are struggling, to the Beyond Blue helpline on 1300 22 4636, or you can reach our counsellors via webchat, here. If you'd like to have a chat with one of the lovely people at 1800Respect to discuss how your daughter and her relationship is going, and to make sure you can feel she is safe and free from abuse within her relationship, they're on 1800 737 732, or you can reach them on online chat, here: https://chat.1800respect.org.au/#/welcome Please continue to share here, whenever you feel comfortable. You never know how your story might help others who can relate to what you’re going through. Kind regards, Sophie M

Re: Teenage daughter

Juliet_84 — Wed, 07 Jun 2023 10:11:38 GMT

Hi N888,

I completely understand, you love your daughter very much and want to protect her through their life. But the sad reality is that we can’t do these things for them, everyone needs to make their own way in life and that also means making mistakes, being in not so good relationships, which then calibrate us to know what we do want in a relationship. But unfortunately if she is aware that you don’t like her boyfriend, it won’t turn her off him, in fact the added conflict will likely drive her into his arms. I personally think that you should actually do the opposite, kill him with kindness, invite him into your family, take the time and get to know him (with an open mind), not because you love him but because you also need practice with warming to her partner. You don’t want her to meet a really great guy who is perfect for her one day and you be unable to see that based on your own preexisting biases. And as I mentioned, a partner is going to be a lot less inclined to treat your daughter badly if he’s met the whole family and been invited into your home.

Re: Teenage daughter

Juliet_84 — Wed, 07 Jun 2023 10:28:12 GMT

Hi N888,

I’m so sorry, I have just seen your latest message!! You need to talk to your daughter immediately and understand what has happened to her face and how she got the bruise. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way to approach her in this situation, you just need to keep pushing to get the honest answer.

Re: Teenage daughter

N888 — Wed, 07 Jun 2023 11:51:13 GMT

Very true. But in european culture, if you bring someone home, it means you are in a serious relationship and eventually means marriage. I know its very traditional.

I found him to forward and pushy. She had love bit on her neck yesterday and i hope he isnt pushing her to do things she is not comfortable with. She is naive and immature still. He keeps comparing my daughter to his ex girlfriend. Which she cheated on him.

19 year old boys dont want serious relationships yet!!

Re: Teenage daughter

N888 — Wed, 07 Jun 2023 11:53:57 GMT

I cant keep pushing for the answer. She will rebell against me and wont tell me the truth. I know deep down inside she isnt happy, she just likes the status that she has a boyfriend and fits in with everyone else. 😪

Re: Teenage daughter

smallwolf — Wed, 07 Jun 2023 12:48:12 GMT

firstly I just want to echo the sentiments of Sophie_M.

the other thing I wanted to mention is, and I know my situation is very different to yours, but when i have had to have a difficult conversation, I either start with an disclaimer or begin with what I "see" and use empathy and "I" based communication.

There is a lot that I have skipped over in saying the above and I know how hard these conversations. Please try not the beat yourself too much because of this. It is hard when our children seemingly go against what we try to instill them as growing up. It is a fine balance we tread as our children become adults.

Re: Teenage daughter

therising — Thu, 08 Jun 2023 19:34:06 GMT

Hi N888

Sometimes I think it pays to teach our kids to trust their intuition, those red flags. This way, if we're not there to give them the best guidance or they want to keep us out of their business, they're able to get a really good sense of or feel for their own best guidance. Can never hurt to advise our kids in a way that may sound a little like 'Try to not doubt yourself. If you feel something's off, question it. If you feel someone's bringing you down or they're anxiety inducing to some degree, question it. And if you feel the deep need to question someone or something, don't hesitate to do so'. That could look a little something like your daughter saying to her boyfriend 'Whenever you compare me to your ex, this is something that brings me down. Why would you choose to bring me down?'. Intuition is all about feeling or feelings, so if he was to say 'I'm not bringing you down, it's all in your head', she could confidently say 'No, I know you are because I can feel it (a down shift) and I trust my feelings'.

It's funny in a way how we can condition our kids out of the deep need to question us, their parents, yet questioning people is a skill we need them to have mastered when they go out into this world. Gradually they stop questioning and, in the process, can be led to self doubt. We teach them 'Don't you question me, just do as you're told. Don't question your teachers, it's disrespectful. Don't question your boss if you want to keep your job. Don't question authority' etc. Perhaps we should be leading them, to a healthy degree, to challenge people to provide reasons for their behaviour - a reason as to why an openly degrading teacher loves destroying the self esteem of students in front of their peers, a reason as to why a highly abusive egotistical boss would treat his/her workers in such a disrespectful way, a reason as to why a person in authority chooses to lead through abuse as opposed to inspiration.

I had some red flag boyfriends in my late teens/early 20s and I wish someone had have led me to listen to and trust my feelings. I chose to focus on the excitement of the relationships while writing off those red flag feelings to there being something wrong with me. While hearing your daughter mention red flags, you know she's got basically good intuition/a feel for things. Maybe the topic of 'How to exercise your intuition' could be something you lead her to research on the internet. It's an interesting topic that she might find really fascinating. Getting touch with 'feelings' (being someone who's able to feel everything) might help with her social anxiety too.

Re: Teenage daughter

N888 — Fri, 09 Jun 2023 19:40:32 GMT

She snuck out tonight through her bedroom window and came home at 4am. She left tbe window open all night, I heard the front door open. I didnt know she was out, didnt communicate with us. I thought she was in bed. Another arguement!!! Screaming match. Its all too much for me!!