topic Re: Teenage daughter in Relationship and family issues

Teenage daughter

N888 — Tue, 30 May 2023 07:28:38 GMT

Does anyone feel like their 20 year old daughter hates them? Or like walking on egg shells around her. What every i say, she twists it around to make out that ive said something wrong and turns into an arguement. Does anyone have any advice please....

Re: Teenage daughter

white knight — Wed, 31 May 2023 01:03:14 GMT

Hi, welcome

My daughter is 33yo now. At 12yo I began to inject small comments like "At 18yo you will have to find a place of your own". At 18yo she went to uni and then rented in the city to become a teacher. She never returned home. I think it was a wise condition and she often joked about it but she never knew that had she not been able to move out I would have been flexible as to the timeframe.

This modern era sees children remain in the home much longer than back in the 70's when I was a teen. I question if that causes more issues, some that parents are unaware, like urging independence and magnifying issues like "familiarity breeds contempt". Based in that theory you could visit the possibility of asking her to consider moving out with the long term likelihood of your relationship flourishing.

As parents we often dont fully understand a childs perception of us until we receive the odd comment like "you're old" or behaviour of which you are experiencing now. Our desire to parent well clouds the bigger picture of what's better for them. Add to that your daughter is fully grown, she's an adult and has her own views and opinions that differ from yours. Right or wrong in her views that difference is imo the key factor in her rebellion. As a result that "twisting words around" is pure resentment imo, and she likely knows its not right nor accurate.

I'm sorry I havent any other answer. I joined the Air Force at 17yo but at 26yo after a failed relationship I moved back home for a few months and almost immediately reacted to my parents the same way as your daughter.

I hope it all goes well.

TonyWK

Re: Teenage daughter

8-8-8 — Wed, 31 May 2023 10:19:57 GMT

Hey there just advice from a 20 year old daughter in the same position with her mum. Sometimes I just find my mother controlling, to me 20s are the point in life you have to let us go and figure out stuff on our own because that what we want to experience sure we will have problems and issues but we will learn how to solve them ourselves. I would maybe give her some space because sometimes distance makes the heart grow fonder and she will appreciate you way more

Re: Teenage daughter

N888 — Wed, 31 May 2023 12:23:47 GMT

Thank you.

But did you tell your mum where and who you were with. Or did you just leave and not say anything. There is no respect.

I havent spoken to her in 2 days and if i do say anything she snaps at me.

Its very hard, not knowing where your child is. She has withdrawn from the family, doesnt help around the house and has totally changed. She use to be so sweet.

But on a positive note. She is doing really well at Uni and goes to work.

She said im the problem and judgemental. Cant do anything right for her! 😢

Re: Teenage daughter

N888 — Wed, 31 May 2023 12:28:33 GMT

Also, if i dont give her attention..

She thens says i dont care and she starts saying whats wrong, why arent you talking. I have ruined the relationship. I cant win!

Re: Teenage daughter

white knight — Wed, 31 May 2023 16:06:11 GMT

Hi N888,

Did you read my post? You might have skipped it

TonyWK

Re: Teenage daughter

N888 — Wed, 31 May 2023 23:43:48 GMT

Thank you Tony.

Im not asking my child to move out. There is no way she could afford the rent or buying food.

Its very hard now being a parent, like you said, compare to the 70's. Technology, no respect, expectations and just different way of living.

I just hope she finds a good group of friends and hopefully finds a respectful partner that will look after her. My daughter is a good girl, im sure she is just trying to find her path through life. 😌

Re: Teenage daughter

Learn to Fly — Thu, 01 Jun 2023 00:46:07 GMT

Hi N888

Thank you for reaching out with this very much up to date topic, and I am sure, shared by many parents.

How would you feel about having a good conversation with your daughter? Starting with "I appreciate what you do for us.....enter whatever the thing is." or "I love you and I would love for things between us to get better. We live together and it would be much easier for everyone if we could try to work things out"

Then trying to keep to the "I message" something like "I feel like lately there has been a bit of a rough time between us. This hurts me deeply because I love and treasure you. I want to be there for you but at the same time, I respect you as an independent adult and don't want you to feel like I am invading your space. However, it has been very difficult for me to read your boundaries. I need your help with this. Please give me some guidance and simply tell me what you prefer. Together we can try to work things out" - something similar or along the lines - let your heart dictate the words so it sounds genuine. Toward the end, you should also gently but firmly present some household rules: about cleaning, cooking etc. Asking her what she proposes, and what she could contribute? If this doesn't work, setting up a roster for the entire family.

Let us know what you think.

Re: Teenage daughter

N888 — Thu, 01 Jun 2023 06:50:59 GMT

What do you do if your daughters hiding alcohol in her room? What do i do?

Re: Teenage daughter

N888 — Thu, 01 Jun 2023 06:59:46 GMT

What do i do that my daughter has alcohol in her room?

Re: Teenage daughter

Learn to Fly — Thu, 01 Jun 2023 10:36:09 GMT

Hello again N888

Also, if i dont give her attention..

She thens says i dont care and she starts saying whats wrong, why arent you talking. I have ruined the relationship. I cant win!

There seem to be a lot of big emotions happening there for both you and your daughter. It's very hard, or sometimes impossible to communicate each party's needs and feelings when the emotions are running sky-high. You sound very concerned about your daughter and current situation, which is completely understandable considering how things are going.

I would encourage you to read my previous post and to start with, truly and genuinely tried to listen to what she has to say to you. Even if it hurts you. Even when she says all of these things you have mentioned. Even when it sounds like an accusation. This might prove very challenging for you cause nobody likes to hear those things about themselves. However, for her sake and for the sake of truly trying to improve your relationship, I would encourage you to listen to what she has to say. Truly listen and then reflect: what happened that she has arrived at that sort of conclusion? Maybe they are some things that you say or do, which you could amend without a bigger effort and try to work on improving the things between the two of you.

Re: Teenage daughter

Learn to Fly — Thu, 01 Jun 2023 10:51:55 GMT

Hi N888,

You mentioned that your daughter is 20yo. I think as parents we are often guilty of not noticing the age of our children and at times we might still treat them as below the adulthood age.

She is an adult and she has this free choice of drinking alcohol, if she wants to. I am not saying this is good. I am just saying that as working and earning her own money adult, she has the right to do so.

Maybe the question here would be more like: what's been happening in your daughter's life that drove her towards buying alcohol and quite possibly drinking on her own? I would be concerned about this bit.

Also, all of us need some space, often privacy, and it's so important for other family members to respect this. Again, as parents, we might think that we are doing some things having our children's best interest in mind but then this might work against us. Obviously, we don't have the full picture and I might be totally wrong but I am just not sure if going to your daughter's room and finding alcohol (in this instance) is a good thing in terms of not respecting the fact that she might need some space to herself.

Re: Teenage daughter

white knight — Thu, 01 Jun 2023 14:07:28 GMT

Hi N888,

We are all here to help you and your daughter. Initially we have limited information due to limited character count so we put forward suggestions and some are not helpful as we are off track due to more facts coming to light.

A good example is my suggestion she move out. Some opportunities come up with reasonable shared rent and we don't know about her affordability and so on and whether you want to enforce house rules. Where there is inground resentment along with disrespect, with no remedy in sight, distancing often result in closer relationships.

Have you investigated Govt allowances, rental assistance etc for that possibility or like my daughter, find work?

We don't have all the answers and we are not professional medical people. We are volunteers with mental health issues that have "lived experiences " with the intent to help those in distressing situations.

Do you have a solution for the possession of alcohol (in her room) yourself?

Relationship stress is a very hard topic to adjudicate.

TonyWK

Re: Teenage daughter

8-8-8 — Fri, 02 Jun 2023 10:40:15 GMT

My mum is a major nagger on where, who and what I'm doing even if she doesn't know them so I don't see a point in telling her. I think maybe sit her down and have a talk to her. My mother suggested I move out and it only made me resent her more so I defiantly wouldn't do that. My parents still pay for my car and phone if She wants to act out the way she is maybe restrict one of those privileges. Also keep in mind she's still growing so some things she may say will hurt you but I wouldn't take it close to heart. She could have underlying issues happening at uni or work causing her stress and anxiety to act out like this too.

Re: Teenage daughter

N888 — Tue, 06 Jun 2023 02:58:06 GMT

Hi. What do you do if you dont like or trust your daughters new boyfriend? I dont get a good feeling from him and when i meet him for the first time, its mothers intuition that i got a bad vibe from him. I cant bring up the topic with her because she defends him straight a

Re: Teenage daughter

N888 — Tue, 06 Jun 2023 03:02:22 GMT

Hi. What do you do if you dont like her new boyfriend? I dont trust him nor like him. The first time I meet him, mothers intuition came over me and i got a bad vibe from him. I cant bring up the topic because she defends him straight away. Last night she came home with a love bite. My daughter was always the good girl and i hope its not all for attention.

Re: Teenage daughter

white knight — Tue, 06 Jun 2023 04:30:18 GMT

As parents we see our children as always our children until a milestone comes along that changes our perception. Then we begin to see them as mature adults. I'm talking generally.

A few people over many years (I'm 67yo) have displayed to me what fine parents they are. I've learned from them and honed my own parenting from such influences. Otherwise, if we dont advance, we get stuck in that perception of them and they react with avengence, total rebellion regardless if you have their interest at heart.

In your case, I have to be open here, she is old enough to vote, drive, isnt under age, can fly to any part of the world and lead the life she please legally. There is nothing a parent can do, no police action, no human services would listen to your concerns simply because she now has rights like every other adult human. That alone leave you in a no win situation which leaves 2 options for oyu-

1/ continue on judging what she does in a negative fashion and potentially destroy your relationship

2/ allow her to do what she wants because any upbringing desire on your part is far too late to be swallowed by her at 20yo.

Take that love bite. As a young man I had friends. A mate of mine had a girlfriend and our group ended up at a beachside camping ground. The couple went missing for about an hour. They returned with her wearing a love bite on her neck. When alone with her for a minute I commented "you're silly, look at that love bite". She got upset and told her boyfriend who lashed out at me telling me to mind my own business and that whatever they do they are adults and can do it!! All my other friends agreed with them. I was wrong.

Being a parent is no different except in one area. Advice. To feeling give advice to a 20yo (that is rebelling against their parent) is to wait until it is asked for. Only then can you calmly have a parent to adult daughter conversation which would go along the lines of "if you want to drink alcohol I'd like to think you'll drink to responsible levels" and "wearing a love bite isnt a form of medal to display but if you feel it is then that's your decision."

Subtle remarks, like a friend to a friend but that could be your goal and it would take a long time to get there.

Same with her choice of boyfriend. Her choice, we all had ours once.

Your view of what I suggest?

TonyWK

Re: Teenage daughter

Learn to Fly — Tue, 06 Jun 2023 04:32:18 GMT

Hi N888,

How do you bring up the topic of your daughter's boyfriend if she defends him straight away? Maybe it would be a good idea to change the narrative and ask some questions from a different angle, so she didn't feel she needed to defend her choice.

Let us know your approach.

Also, as Tony asked - it would be great to hear your own solution to the possession of alcohol you mentioned before.

Re: Teenage daughter

Learn to Fly — Tue, 06 Jun 2023 04:44:48 GMT

I couldn't agree more, Tony. It's so easy to be swallowed by day-to-day life and sort of lose the trace of time and as a parent continue to apply the same rules (in certain situations) to our children regardless of their age. It can be challenging but at some point, we just have to let go. This means expressing our trust in them, respecting their own independent choices, and respecting the people they have become.

I don't think it's easy, especially if we are used to controlling a lot of aspects of our children's lives.

And I do think that the situation of young adults these days is harder than before when most of us would be leading our own independent adult lives and be out of our parents' places by the age of 19 - at the latest.

Great post.

Re: Teenage daughter

N888 — Tue, 06 Jun 2023 07:25:01 GMT

Hi Tony,

You always give great advice and yes, everything you mentioned is true. But, im finding it difficult dealing with all these new situations and letting go.

The fear that one boy can ruin all your hardwork that you have taught your child. She is a good person, but somehow really dislikes me or is taking her angry out on me.

Regarding the alcohol, i know its there because she told me. She has alittle before she goes out with friends and boyfriend to calm her anxiety. I dont think thats right, but she said it helps. But dont you get use to a little then have a little more and so on. Thats what im worried about.

It was easier when we were growing up, i think .....