topic My boyfriend slept with a sex worker in Relationship and family issues

My boyfriend slept with a sex worker

sparrowhawk — Tue, 09 May 2023 06:54:07 GMT

I (31F) have been dating a man (37M) for the past three months. I left a long-term unhealthy environment (a religious community) last year, have carried a lot of hurt and pain from that, and didn't expect I would find someone who would care for me or want to be with me (he is my first boyfriend). We've formed a very deep and open connection and have been honest about ourselves.

He went overseas during April and while he was away I sensed something was off. We usually message daily, he had mentioned before he left he'd call and stay in touch but we had minimal contact. I tried to put it down to the fact he was away, and of course wanted him to have a good time, but something didn't sit right and I thought he might have found someone else or wanted to break up. I saw him last Friday after he got back and he was still a bit off, but I put it down to him being jetlagged. When I talked to him on Sunday he told me he wants to take things slow, and that he's unsure of his long-term goals.

Last night he called me and told me he paid for sex while overseas. He was incredibly apologetic and aware of what this might mean for our relationship. I'm completely devastated and can't help feeling like this is a reflection on me and that I'm obviously not good enough, just as I wasn't good enough for the people I lived with in community. I have really found myself falling for him, really liking him and feeling very connected and safe with him. It's breaking me to think we need to part ways but I can't see any reason that would make this something I could move through.

I just can't stop crying.

Hi sparrowhawk, We’re sorry to hear what you’ve been thr...

Sophie_M — Tue, 02 May 2023 03:56:42 GMT

Hi sparrowhawk, We’re sorry to hear what you’ve been through. It sounds like it’s had some very serious impacts on your life. We’re glad you could share this here, as our lovely community will have kindness, advice and understanding for you. It sounds like you could do with talking things through, so please don’t hesitate to give the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 or speak to them on webchat here. You could also speak to Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. Please also remember you can talk to Blue Knot about this on 1300 657 380, every day between 9am-5pm (AEST). Their counsellors are experienced in working with people who have experienced complex trauma. They also have some resources on their website which could be useful to visit, particularly the pages on Survivors Self Care. Thanks again for sharing here. We’re sure you’ll hear from some other community members once they spot your thread. We appreciate your kindness and openness in sharing to the forums, and we hope you can be kind to yourself, too while you’re going through this extremely difficult time. Kind regards, Sophie M

Re: Hi sparrowhawk, We’re sorry to hear what you’ve been thr...

sparrowhawk — Tue, 02 May 2023 05:04:19 GMT

Hi Sophie,

Thanks so much. I am contacting Beyond Blue chat now. It's very hard to be kind to myself but I am trying.

Re: My boyfriend slept with a prostitute

Juliet_84 — Tue, 02 May 2023 06:56:43 GMT

Oh sweetheart, I’m so sorry. This must be so awful for you to have the rug ripped out from underneath you like that, and after everything you’ve been through. Firstly, I will say this has NOTHING to do with you and I would bet my life that this is something that he has done before and carried into this relationship. He probably set out with the best of intentions of it not happening, of this time being different, but old habits die hard. You have a difficult decision to make, call it now and decide that there are some really concerning behaviours there and protect yourself from future pain, or take a gamble and give him a second chance in the hopes he has seen the error of his ways and won’t do it again, and hope you are not too invested at that point to be able to walk away. I think what you can take from this relationship is that there are people out there who will love and care for you, you just need to decide whether you realistically think he can be one of them. I must admit this is a pretty big red flag at a 3-month mark.

Re: My boyfriend slept with a prostitute

sparrowhawk — Tue, 02 May 2023 08:53:51 GMT

Thank you, Juliet. It's a huge shock - he has always said very caring things like "You are worthy of love", "you deserve care", etc., but then goes and does this. While he was away I wondered if he was having second thoughts because of his lack of communication, but I put it down to the fact he was on tour and busy seeing the sights. Now I wonder if my feelings were right and if he really intended to do that in the first place.

I have spent a lot of my life excusing behaviours, not standing up for myself and being hurt in the process. After I left my religious community I told myself I never wanted what had happened there to happen to me again. I think I need to stand for myself in this one. I just don't think he's ready or able to commit to a relationship or to someone who might actually care about him.

Re: My boyfriend slept with a prostitute

Juliet_84 — Tue, 02 May 2023 14:04:19 GMT

Hi sparrowhawk,

I too, like you, have spent my life excusing behaviours, making excuses for them, blaming myself and suppressing my own boundaries to make other people comfortable. And it has gotten me nowhere. Those people weren’t grateful, they just took more. I was in a DV relationship for many years and I was lied to and manipulated constantly, and all through it I was sold this life of what I would have that wasn’t based in reality, so that I was constantly thinking “if only he could get his drinking under control things will be better” “if only he would make more of an effort to control his temper, life would be better”. Before I knew it, it had been ten years and then I felt too invested, our lives had become too intertwined, and before I knew it, it was 20 years and I was still hoping for things to get better. The best thing I ever did was stop listening to words and pay attention to actions now. If someone says “you deserve care” but then doesnt show you an ounce of care, then that’s what you need to believe. Not everyone is capable of loving you the way you want to be loved, and that’s ok but you deserve to find the person who can. He obviously still has a lot of work to do on himself (that he may or may not do). I think the hardest part in all this is the “what could have been”, I often find myself mourning the person I wish they were and not the actual person they were.

Re: My boyfriend slept with a prostitute

sparrowhawk — Tue, 02 May 2023 19:04:18 GMT

Thanks so much Juliet. Yes, it's a constant battle of pushing our own boundaries and values down in order to accommodate others. There were a few things I saw in him which really didn't sit right with me, but I excused them because I thought they didn't matter - but they do.

We talked for quite a while last night and he told me what happened. It wasn't as bad as I thought, but still him paying a prostitute to do something sexual while in a committed relationship. You turned out to be completely spot on - he told me he lost his virginity to a prostitute and has had numerous encounters with prostitutes while single, up until last year. He told me if this encounter overseas had never happened, he would likely have never told me about his past - big issue for me, as I have a very different opinion of what sex is and what it means.

He told me it would never happen again while in a relationship, but I really can't believe that. Given his past, I also can't really trust that he didn't know what he was doing when he walked in.

During the conversation he kept saying he kept thinking he should just lie to me about what I was asking him - another issue which I can't move past.

So I told him I really can't move forward with him, and that I am totally devastated by how he's acted and how little he values this relationship we've had - not just in that he'd done something like that, but also in that he did lie and was ready to continue lying.

Re: My boyfriend slept with a prostitute

Juliet_84 — Wed, 03 May 2023 11:36:16 GMT

Oh sparrowhawk,

I’m so sorry that you got caught up in this, you seem like such a straight up and honest and caring person, it’s a shame he wasted his opportunity. It’s clear that he obviously has an issue with prostitutes (potentially an addiction) and you can’t really believe that “it would never happen again while in a relationship” given that it has already happened 3 months in to your relationship. At the end of the day not everyone is going to deserve your kind heart and he has shown himself to lack integrity and be willing to be deceitful. You need to know when to walk away from someone like that and so I commend you on your strength in setting what you will and won’t accept.
I think I mentioned but I was in a DV relationship for many years, the first 6 months were perfect, but then the red flags started appearing. It seems people can’t keep a lid on their issues for much longer than that lol. My point is that the red flags are there from the start (or about 6 months in in my case), we often just choose to ignore them. A lot of heart ache could probably be avoided if we just paid more attention to our gut during the early stages.

Re: My boyfriend slept with a prostitute

sparrowhawk — Wed, 03 May 2023 18:16:30 GMT

Thank you so much Juliet. He told me he didn't know what he was doing this past time, he thought he was just getting a massage, but with his history being what it is I question how he couldn't know. The way he described it, he was clearly in a red-light district also. So in my opinion, while he's honest in telling me on his own initiative, I sense he is still deceiving me and I just can't trust him.

You are so right about the red flags. I sensed a few with him earlier on (lying especially) but looked past it because it just felt nice to have someone care about me. If I'd acted on my feelings and questioned hm about it, this hurt would probably have been avoided. It's really hard not to blame myself in this.

Re: My boyfriend slept with a prostitute

Juliet_84 — Thu, 04 May 2023 01:02:36 GMT

He is obviously trying to downplay the situation and his culpability in it because you have ended the relationship and he is trying to backpedal. His hope will be that you take him back but in his mind there will also be the element that you have tolerated the behaviour and so in future when you are more invested/in love then he has more chance of you forgiving him for his proclivity with prostitutes, ie he will eventually acknowledge that he “has a problem” and “needs your help” thereby trying to elicit sympathy whenever he has a relapse. If he genuinely does want to beat this, he can with a lot of work, but people usually need to reach that conclusion on their own. It’s hard to know whether someone does legitimately want to do that and then it’s another thing altogether whether they can actually beat it. It’s certainly not an easy road and

a lot of heartache and deceit for a partner to endure. I don’t think you bear any blame in this to be honest, you trusted him and gave him the benefit of the doubt which I think we often do at the start of the relationship, it was his decision to betray the trust that you gave him, this falls squarely on his shoulders. As someone who wasted 20 years (ie my entire youth) on someone because I believed their continual promises to change, I think you have dodged a massive bullet!

Re: My boyfriend slept with a prostitute

sparrowhawk — Thu, 04 May 2023 18:52:52 GMT

Thanks so much. When he first told me what had happened he was very teary and emotional (this is quite normal for him). When we had the second conversation he was very stoic and kept saying he was just trying to keep it together because it was “my time”, and that he really wanted to make things work but his wants didn’t really matter. At the time I thought he was just caring, and maybe there was that element, but now I see there was a level of emotional blackmail in that.

You are so right. If I did take him back, I fear it would really give him the sense I’m okay with what happened, or that I’m available to try and help him fix the issue. I just can’t be either, he needs to do that himself. I sense he feels a great deal of shame in his past because of how much he’s concealed it (he told me I am the first person he told).

I just can’t get past his efforts to lie. Like we saw each other after he came back. We spent a long time chatting. We were physically intimate (though he felt a bit off and I just put it down to jet lag). We had a long conversation on the weekend and we were talking about future plans. He had plenty of opportunity to tell me that first night we saw each other, and he didn’t. Instead he chose to lie. And that’s the hardest thing, harder than his actions really. And that’s what makes me feel like I really can’t trust him or anyone else.

Thank you for sharing your story, it truly would take a lot of strength, love and commitment to stay with someone so long and see that hope in their capacity to change. Thank you for your support, too. I really appreciate it.

Re: My boyfriend slept with a prostitute

Juliet_84 — Fri, 05 May 2023 04:34:26 GMT

My ex was very much the same, very apologetic afterwards, would cry and hold his head in his hands, lots of shame “I’m a piece of dirt” type thing. Then would be on his best behaviour, say and do the right things etc. Then it would be good for a time, then the pressure would build, then a blow-up. Then the cycle would repeat. I imagine this would follow a similar path. I think the apologetic, beating themselves up part is somewhat true but also a manipulation technique designed to elicit sympathy. But if you press them there is still often a lack of accountability, in your boyfriends case, “it was an accident”, he was suddenly struck by the need to have a massage and just so happened to be in a red-light district and then it just happened. I have had numerous massages in my life due to an old injury and never has that happened to me or anyone I know, and he also seems to remove all agency from himself and the fact that in the extremely unlikely event he did find himself in that situation, he should be able to say no. As hard as it is, I think we need to believe people when they show us who they are. I wish I had saved myself some of the heartache and just made the decision at the start. Because there’s always a reason to stay, at first you stay because of love but over time you get worn down by the constant betrayals and volatility, your lives become enmeshed and you know their family and friends, you share assets or buy a house because you don’t want to live your life on hold, and all of these things make it a lot harder to leave over time. I don’t think this means you can’t trust anyone else, it just means that he doesn’t have a good character. Some men would never do that, and you will find one those but you just need to not settle for the ones who would.

Re: My boyfriend slept with a prostitute

quirkywords — Fri, 05 May 2023 11:51:08 GMT

Sparrowhawk

Thanks for being so honest and sharing your experience with others.
There will be others reading who don’t post, but will now not feel alone.

Juliet has offered very supportive comments.

Take time to be kind to yourself.

Re: My boyfriend slept with a prostitute

Luci_Lu — Tue, 09 May 2023 06:48:12 GMT

Hi sparrowhawk you have received some really good sound advice from Juliet_84.

You have also made some very brave, strong decisions in standing up for yourself and your values. None of this is on you and one thing I have learned over years of struggle is you are not responsible for the actions and choices of others.

I too left a controlling religious environment at 15 and fell into a DV relationship for 8 years. Looking back with the beauty of hindsight, the signs were always there but I chose not to see them.

As a result of my childhood experiences in this religious group, I had severe issues with self-worth, security and belonging. I thought this relationship offered me everything I needed and anything that went wrong was due to a fault within me. I allowed so many terrible things to happen to me in those 8 years and it was only years later I realised it was a DV situation. It took me a long time to see the relationship for what it was and that I was actually a victim (now survivor) at the hands of a very damaged, manipulative and controlling man.

The cycle that Juliet describes is very real and terrible to live within. I lived on the edge constantly waiting for the cycle to move around.

Years on and 19 years in a relationship with a good man I am finally coming to terms with the horror of that time. I can now see it was not me and not my fault the way he behaved. My upbringing played a huge part in how low my self-worth was and I truly thought he was being kind and 'I deserved it'.

I am so sorry this has caused you so much pain but also so thankful it all came to light early on. You have been so brave putting yourself first and doing what is right for you. It is hard when all you want is security and to be cared for but the right care is out there. You do not deserve treatment like that and will find someone who truly respects and loves you.

Until then, be a good friend to yourself and shower yourself with the love and kindness you absolutely deserve. Once we learn to love ourselves, external relationships are not so crucial and we are stronger at making sure we surround ourselves with relationships that bring out the best in us.

Re: My boyfriend slept with a sex worker

Alice_md13 — Wed, 10 May 2023 23:08:30 GMT

You poor thing, what an ordeal to go through! The hardest part is always to find excuses for someone else's behavior but in the nut shell, let's call it what it was, a betrayal and cheating. My bf of 6 months went on family trip to Asia with first stop being in Thailand. Just 2 days after we've said good bye to one another, him and his step brother spotted 2 ladyboys in the local bar and went to the hotel with them. The rest you can imagine. Upon his return he was weird, and like yourself, I thought it was a jetlag plus he was genuinely unwell. He was joking about being with ladyboy while overseas but at no stage I actually thought he was being serious. He always had a rather unique sense of humor so I thought he was joking. We were intimate too. Then low and behold as he was getting better he actually looked me in the eye and said it wasn't a joke and gave me the very detailed run down of the events of that night. By that stage the relationship has had its fair share of sorrow and pain as I later discovered due to his undiagnosed and untreated bipolar condition so that event has broken camel's back so to speak. I've decided to break up with him and in process I've developed a life threatening infection which ended up me having my blood drawn for entire panel of STD. There was one finding, most likely passed by him, but thankfully not a life threatening as HIV or likes of it. I went to my GP office with fever pushing past 40 degrees in complete distress stating my bf has been engaged in sexual act with technically a male while overseas. I know as the fact I had all the mental tools to forgive him, should he had confessed to me before his arrival as to give me some time to accept or reject the idea he's simply experimented and it's not a big deal after all, has gone to dr and has done the right thing by my health before getting intimate with me. I'm glad I haven't given him the pleasure of walk all over me and no doubt repeat that act at next available opportunity. My therapist I've started seeing just before that event was very stern about my open mindness and did advise if I encourage that behavior it will no doubt occur again. As my bf's step mother told me, since we don't live together, don't share house or kids or any other responsibilities, I don't owe him anything and should run as far from him and all his issues as I possibly can. Those 2 women combined with strong antidepressant he's put me on for the first time in my life have given me courage to break away. I'm learning to establish my boundaries along with other many valuable things brought up in therapy and hoping to apply them in the next relationship. Since you've been seeing your partner for even lesser amount of time than me, I only hope separation will be easier to deal with. Stay strong and do what's right for you and by you. We've been way too forgiving and accepting, the cycle has got to stop or we'll be walked all over for the rest of our lives. Wishing you all the very best!!!