topic Re: Being pushed to my limits in Relationship and family issues

Being pushed to my limits

Toonice — Sun, 22 Jan 2023 03:33:08 GMT

Hi,

I am hoping for some advice on my current living situation, which is pushing me to my limits and really affecting my mental health. So, almost a year ago I had an old work friend turn up at my doorstep early one morning because her house was about to flood. She had her stuff with her and I obviously let her in and then stay with us (my daughter and I). I let her stay in my daughter's room and my daughter slept in my room. She started getting payments from her insurance company for accommodation of $350 a week, and offered to give me half. I regrettably agreed to that and to this day she is still living with us in my daughter's room. I feel in the last 11 months I have gone to hell and back. Her living here has taken it's toll on my mental health. I was finally enjoying living alone with daughter after leaving an abusive relationship with her father. I am an introvert and like to have my own space. My friend is very needy and clingy. She had to come absolutely everywhere with us and do things at home with us too. This became too much for my introvert nature. I also cook dinner and breakfast for her and give her a lift to the shopping centre nearly every week day so she can get on a bus to go where she needs to go. I have been doing this for the whole 11 months and I am sick of it.

Also, 5 months ago I stupidly let her reduce her payment to me down to $100 a week. I only agreed to it because she said it was for "a few weeks." She now refuses to pay me the normal amount due to her having to save for a new roof. This $100 she gives me covers the rent, bills and food. When I asked for $50 more she refused. Because of my personality and how opposite we are, we have clashed a few times. She is a very strange person and has a lot of quirks that drive me crazy. During the week I have to drop my daughter off at school and then go to work, which is stressful enough. Then she makes me run late because she is not ready, which causes me a lot of stress! I feel terribly guilty having these thoughts because I feel very sorry for her losing her house and most of her stuff in the floods. I feel like such a bad person, but I am feeling so stressed and depressed with her living here. I was happy to help out, but didn't realise it would go on so long.

I'm hoping someone has advice for me

Re: Being pushed to my limits

Summer Rose — Sun, 22 Jan 2023 04:23:02 GMT

Hi Toonice

You are an amazing friend and obviously someone with a very generous heart. I love that you agreed to help your friend, but now it’s time to put yourself and your daughter first.

I want to encourage you to give her reasonable notice and ask her to leave. It’s time.

Whatever notice period you set (maybe four weeks), stick to it. Talk openly in the house about her departure date and make it real.
This really isn’t negotiable, it’s your home. Your daughter deserves her room back. You deserve your space. You and your girl deserve your life back.
Nothing to feel guilty about. You’ve done what you could within your means and that’s plenty. It’s way more than many people would have done.

Kind thoughts to you

Re: Being pushed to my limits

Toonice — Sun, 22 Jan 2023 06:31:20 GMT

Hi Summer Rose,

Thank you for your kind reply. Giving her a date to leave is definitely something I would like to do, I just hope I can work up the courage to actually do it!

Re: Being pushed to my limits

Summer Rose — Sun, 22 Jan 2023 09:13:34 GMT

Hi Toonice

You can do it! I know you can. Sometimes we build things up in our minds to be huge, but once we push through and do it, we realise it wasn’t so bad. Anxiety is a tricky beast.

I’m sure your friend will realise you need your space back and understand. It’s really not fair to your daughter or you.

Hopefully she’ll be grateful for the time she’s had and be happy to shift.

But if she says, “but it’s only going to be two more months”, if I were in your shoes I’d say, “so happy for you but we still need to make this change.”

Just think about the peace of mind. And be so proud of yourself when it’s done!

Kind thoughts to you

Re: Being pushed to my limits

Juliet_84 — Mon, 23 Jan 2023 10:42:56 GMT

Hi Toonice,

She is taking advantage of your kind nature. $100 barely covers anything at the moment let alone food, rent etc. She would be paying MUCH more anywhere else. But I wouldn’t get drawn into that side of things too much as the fact is you want her gone, if you bring up that it’s not financially viable she’ll give you an extra $50 and you’ll still be stuck with her. You need to tell her to leave, you can either do this by sitting down and saying that she has been here much longer than you intended and that you are giving her her notice that she needs to move out by X date. Or you can make up an excuse, such as your relative is coming to stay with you and there isn’t enough room (insert whatever excuse works for your situation) and she has to be out by X date and that you hope that the year of accommodation etc has helped her on her way. You have already done much more than most people would have. I understand that you don’t like conflict (not many people do) but it seems that she’s really exploiting that and taking advantage.

Re: Being pushed to my limits

Toonice — Thu, 26 Jan 2023 05:47:40 GMT

Hi Juliet_84,

Thanks for your advice. I am still trying to work up the courage to ask her to leave. I do like your idea about telling her someone is coming to stay. I already asked her for more money but she just flat out refused. Let's hope I can do something soon!

Re: Being pushed to my limits

Petal22 — Thu, 26 Jan 2023 08:59:58 GMT

Hi Toonice,

You really do sound like an amazing kind friend to have taken this person in but you really don’t have to “people please”.

Take a stand and listen to your inner being if it doesn’t feel right then it isn’t.

Kindly let this person know that you would like them to move out.

I think this has affected you enough and it’s time to move forward and stop being taking advantage of.

Re: Being pushed to my limits

Toonice — Sun, 29 Jan 2023 01:45:14 GMT

Hi Petal22,

Thanks for your advice. It definitely doesn't feel right to me to have her here, and I just want my life back to the way it was. I am sick of feeling so stressed, anxious and down all the time. She doesn't have a car so she is nearly always at home on my days off, lying on the couch all day. It's hard to get my own space. I shouldn't have to spend all day in my bedroom. I do feel taken advantage of, especially with all I do for her and only getting the $100 a week.

I am still trying to work up the courage to tell her to leave. Just trying to work out how to go about it.

Re: Being pushed to my limits

Fern42 — Sun, 29 Jan 2023 06:07:16 GMT

Hi Toonice,

it was very thoughtful of you to take her in when she needed it. However it is your home, which means that she should not be dictating to you like she is. I can understand how difficult it can be to gain the courage to have the difficult conversations, however it sounds like it's getting to the stage of really affecting your mental health. You can only give so much, what you have done has already gone above and beyond what you could expect from someone. Both you and your daughter deserve a pleasant living environment. I wish you all the best for this situation and the difficult conversations that will need to be had going forward.

Re: Being pushed to my limits

Summer Rose — Sun, 29 Jan 2023 06:32:31 GMT

Hi Toonice

It’s no doubt going to be a potentially tricky conversation. All depends on how she reacts. But perhaps you could just be honest …

Been lovely having you here … happy to have been able to help you … but it’s time that I must ask you to make other living arrangements… my daughter really needs her room back … school is starting and she needs a quiet place to study … she also needs her privacy and so do I … as much as it’s been great having you here it’s also been challenging at times … as you know I’m an introvert and I really need my alone time back … this situation is actually affecting my health and I can’t allow that to continue … I’m sure you can understand … I’m thinking x weeks before you need to make a change … how do you feel about that timeframe?

Pick a time that suits you. If you think she’s going to get angry or cry I’d be making sure you have an “out”— gotta go to work, gym or whatever so you don’t weaken and lose your resolve. For the same reasons you may want to do this when your daughter is not around or even outside the home, perhaps at a coffee shop.
Oh, and if you think there’s any chance she might threaten you or become violent, you could consider recording the conversation with your phone (I’m not sure if this is legal) but you never know if you might need it.

Just my thoughts.

Kind thoughts to you

Re: Being pushed to my limits

Toonice — Fri, 03 Feb 2023 01:08:22 GMT

Thank you Fern42 😊

Re: Being pushed to my limits

Toonice — Fri, 03 Feb 2023 01:12:24 GMT

Thank you for the great ideas. At the moment I am going back and forth - saying I have to do this and then the next minute saying no I can't do it, that I should just wait longer. My daughter goes to her dad's every second weekend, so that would be a good time to have the conversation. I can't imagine her being violent, but I guess you never know. I am worried she might refuse to leave though.

Thanks again for the advice 😊

Re: Being pushed to my limits

Petal22 — Sat, 04 Feb 2023 06:23:17 GMT

It’s in your hands Toonice, you are in charge of your destiny and you can choose how your destiny will play out.

Maybe it’s time to stop playing the fear card and do what you know deep in your heart is the right thing to do.

Re: Being pushed to my limits

Toonice — Fri, 24 Feb 2023 03:35:59 GMT

Thanks Petal22. Today I finally bit the bullet and asked her to leave. Her response was "I have no where to go, I can't afford it and it won't be much longer, just hold on a bit more." And then she proceeded to tell me everything that is wrong with me and that she felt sorry for my ex and that she could see why he was abusive toward me. This conversation left me feeling extremely depressed. I know I am not perfect and I have got cranky with her a few times and I did swear at her (which I know I shouldn't have). I am just not handling this situation well. I am an introvert and I like my space. I try to be a good person. I try to help people, but I have my limits and I get stressed easily.

I'm not too sure where to go from here. I feel like maybe I should just wait a bit longer. I can't exactly throw her and her stuff out the door. I guess she will leave eventually...it's not forever.

Re: Being pushed to my limits

Summer Rose — Fri, 24 Feb 2023 05:36:11 GMT

Hi Toonice

Well done for initiating the discussion, you should be really proud of yourself. However, I’m really sorry that you had to endure a refusal and verbal abuse. It’s really incredibly unfair to you.

If it were me, after what she said, I’d find the situation untenable. You are human and you’re being stretched beyond your comfort zone by the situation, of course you’re going to snap from time-to-time! Anyone would. She sounds horribly ungrateful.

If I were in your shoes, I’d push back and have another discussion because it sounds to me that she has a financial issue to sort out with her insurance company.
I had a friend in a similar situation and her insurance company put her and her two kids up in a hotel for months. She needs to call her insurance company, explain that her living situation has changed and get them to help her make other arrangements.

Now she may not want to do this, particularly as the current arrangement seems to suit her. Try making it less appealing for her to be in your home and she might act.

For example, again if it were me, I’d move her stuff out of your daughter’s room today and move your daughter back into her space. If she says anything, use her words, “it won’t be for much longer”.
And I’d stop giving her free rides. Petrol money upfront or she can take a bus. You get the idea.
Right now her being in your house is your problem, it needs to become her problem.

These are just my thoughts and I know everyone is different but, like I said earlier, I would find it very difficult to let things just roll on, especially as you still don’t have her departure date.

Kind thoughts to you

Re: Being pushed to my limits

Toonice — Fri, 24 Feb 2023 06:51:14 GMT

Hi Summer Rose,

Thanks for your reply. I agree with what you say about making it less appealing to live here. I had thought of doing those things too- not giving her lifts and taking her out of my daughter's room. I forgot to say them this morning but I will have a chat with her again. She has definitely got it too good living here - especially with the little money she gives me. It does feel hard to let things roll on like you said, after what she said to me. Hopefully when I stop giving her lifts and moving her out of my daughter's room, she will be wanting to leave. She says she has no where to go but I have had a look online and there are lots of rooms for rent around the place. Or like you said she can probably go into a hotel. She just knows that she will be paying more than she gives me. But she gets money from her insurance for that purpose, so she can use that instead of giving me less than a third of it. I'll talk to her again and see how it goes...

Thanks again for the advice!

Re: Being pushed to my limits

Juliet_84 — Fri, 24 Feb 2023 07:17:30 GMT

Hi Toonice,

I think you need to set a firm boundary now - she told you that she can see why your ex abused you?!? This person isn’t your friend, she doesn’t have your best interests at heart, she has her own interests at heart and that’s it. It is not your problem she doesn’t have somewhere to live, she has been staying with you for a long time now and should have been looking during that time. She is going to string this “a bit longer” on endlessly while you are a prisoner in your own home. You’ve had the conversation, now you need to remain firm and reiterate to her in the next few days that she needs to leave. If she sees you won’t back down then she will leave. If she sees you are weak or will be pushed into doing what she wants, she’ll do that.

Re: Being pushed to my limits

Petal22 — Sat, 25 Feb 2023 08:17:54 GMT

Hi Toonice,

Congratulations on letting go of fear….. this is a huge step for you and you should really be celebrating this with in your self… well done.

This person is abusing your trust….and by this person lashing out at you for asking them to move out is showing you who they are …it’s a total reflection of themselves and their own thoughts that they are trying to project onto you.

“Its not you “ please don’t take the words that this person has said to you as you because it isn’t.

Please don’t internalise their words…

Where to go from here? Stick to your guns and have this person move out ASAP not next week……. ASAP……

One day this person may thank you for actually making them do something for themselves.

Now that the relationship has soured I believe it’s in your best interests that this person moves out ASAP I don’t believe that living in toxic energy is good for you or your daughter.

You may also be doing this person a favour by having them move out ASAP because it means they will have to do something for themselves to get their life moving in the right direction for themselves. It will make them grow as a person…..

If you do everything for the person they have no need to move out of their comfort zone…

Some people are bills and some are investments….

Maybe when this person leaves investments can move into your life.

Re: Being pushed to my limits

Toonice — Mon, 01 May 2023 04:14:38 GMT

Hi Petal 22,

I can't believe it has been over 2 months since I read your reply and I am still stuck in this situation! About a month ago I did talk to her again and tell her she has to be out by the 28th May (I gave her 8 weeks). I asked her how things are progressing on fixing her house, but she believes I don't have the right to that information since I "turned on her." So, here we are 4 weeks after that discussion, and it doesn't look like much is happening. And pushover me is still giving her lifts.

I even asked her a couple of weeks ago if she can give me an extra $20 a week since everything is going up in price, and she just refused. She thinks I need to be understanding, and help her save up for future expenses on her home, even though that's what all the insurance money is for. It annoys me that I was paying $100 a week 20years ago for board, which is the amount she is giving me now.

I still feel torn in two. Like, I feel like trying to "hang in there" until her house is ready, but then I also want to make her leave. My anxiety is keeping me from being harsher with her cos I really hate conflict, so that's prt of the reason I think I should just hang in there. I don't know what's wrong with her though - if I was staying with someone who wanted me to leave, then I would not be comfortable to stay where I am not wanted! When the 28th May rolls around, I'm not sure how I could possibly force her out if she refuses to leave. Unless I call the police?

On my days off work I am always going out cos I can't stand to be home when she is here. And I have had to set up a place outside in the backyard so I can sit down alone, without having to look at her laying about on the couch all day.

My daughter and I desperately want her to have her room back! And have our house back. Not sure what to do!

Thanks for listening to me ramble (again!)

Re: Being pushed to my limits

Juliet_84 — Mon, 01 May 2023 05:48:49 GMT

Hi toonice,

I don’t even think you need to get the police involved, you just need to change the locks realistically. I would suggest not entering into any more discussions with her at this point, she sounds incredibly manipulative and able to twist things so that you back down, I would just say “I have given you until the 28th, on the 28th I will be changing the locks” but you run the risk of her a) not believing you and then b) having to go through with the threat otherwise she will just never respect anything you say or listen to you again. It’s clear that only you can change this situation you are in, you could waste the rest of your life waiting for her to do the normal/right thing but that’s clearly never going to happen.