topic He’s perfect, I’m destroying it in Relationship and family issues

He’s perfect, I’m destroying it

teaBee — Fri, 14 Apr 2023 12:45:26 GMT

My boyfriend is an incredible guy. He’s smart and funny and weird, he’s my best friend and I love him so deeply. But my head keeps distorting how I see him. I don’t know if it’s fear or insecurity but my head continues comes up with scenarios that make me feel incredibly hurt. Our relationship wasn’t always this good we’ve had some really rough patches. But we worked together and built something amazing. We will be hanging out as normal and his phone will go off. I immediately think it must be another girl and he’s cheating on me. But it’s not a girl and he’s never given me a reason to believe he would cheat. He actually usually doesn’t really like other girls or many other people at all. I’ll be home alone and he will be out with his friends. So my brain tells me he must be cheating. All the time I think of him saying so many hurtful things to me or leaving me. But then I look at him and he smiles at me with that gorgeous smile and I remember none of it is true. My brain has made an entirely different person and told me it’s him. But it’s not and I don’t know how to make it stop.

Re: He’s perfect, I’m destroying it

white knight — Sat, 15 Apr 2023 02:31:59 GMT

Hi, welcome

Intrusive thoughts can be destructive. I'm from the investigative/legal field and can say that I usually only go by facts and evidence, however I've had a history of intrusive thoughts 35 years ago that nearly destroyed my family until therapy intervened.

In some ways it is pointless trying to change your brain, better to change its course. Like a ship that cant turn direction quickly, steer it with the rudder slowly to get there eventually. So, in a practical sense, diversion is best. Did you know if you got up from the couch and walked to a window or around the block, your eyes, nose, ears, touch and hearing, the 5 senses, all are effected? If you have a pet its more so as your focus changes.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/depression-distraction-and-variety/td-p/275790

Now, thats not the full remedy. Faith in your partner unless evidence comes to prove otherwise is essential. And besides, if he was to become or be a cheater you should tackle it then, not worry now

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/worry-worry-worry/td-p/87808

So yes, you seem to have insecurities. Talk to him about them and hoping he helps out with the odd phone call while with friends etc.

Repost anytime

TonyWK

Re: He’s perfect, I’m destroying it

teaBee — Sat, 15 Apr 2023 03:32:41 GMT

Thank you and I like your analogy of a ship. I think I do often just let the thoughts take over and I could handle them better.

Re: He’s perfect, I’m destroying it

white knight — Sat, 15 Apr 2023 05:16:47 GMT

That's fine, reflection is good, insight is better and it's ok to trip up. Hope you feel good for sharing as those that read here also learn

TonyWK

Re: He’s perfect, I’m destroying it

Alice_md13 — Sun, 16 Apr 2023 00:30:17 GMT

Hi TeaBee, it's a tough situation you found yourself in. I cannot help but draw a comparison with something similar I find myself from time to time. The most recent being my last relationship when following an amazing birthday celebration I've arranged for my then partner, out of nowhere I got intrusive thoughts about his ex partner and whether his birthday spent with me was better than with her (amongst other thoughts but birthday was the most pressing out of all). I've spent days literally destroying all the good memories of our outing and ultimately our relationship up to that point and had to find a courage to share it with him. He has put my mind at ease at the time but the relationship has never recovered after I've literally activated self destruction mode. What I've learnt from that experience is to not jeopardize something good you've got going unless, like White knight has mentioned, you have a strong evidence to do otherwise. It seems impossible at the time to distract yourself, I know the feeling, I've tried it all, but the nagging thoughts would just not leave my head. I'm getting better at keeping them at bay by moving my focus onto something else. It will fail few times and you'll become irritated more times than you can handle but with the constant practice you'll get better at it. Last night the positive memories of him crept into my mind and were about to flood me (it's only been 3 months since I've broken up with him for reasons to be discussed in narcissistic topics), but instead I've immediately switched my thoughts onto the positive events of that day (a client brought me a bunch of flowers and box of chocolates for my services which made my day) and was able to fall asleep rather than doing my head in. Please try your hardest to not destroy what seems to a good relationship by what you've described it. Go for a walk, call a friend, grab a book, kill some weeds in your garden but chase those thoughts with the passion! In time you'll become a master in it, trust me. You sound like an amazing girl so go and look into the mirror and say to yourself any man worth his salt would kill to be with someone like you, smile and keep your head high!!! All the very best to you and your partner!!!

Re: He’s perfect, I’m destroying it

teaBee — Sun, 16 Apr 2023 08:08:57 GMT

Wow that was amazing to read. Thank you so much for the reply. I love him and no matter what I won’t let these thoughts destroy us.

Re: He’s perfect, I’m destroying it

benji777 — Sun, 16 Apr 2023 21:09:10 GMT

Im currently breaking up from an SO we have had superb 3 years together however her consistent nature to over react to every difficulty has caused me to be no longer able to trust her.... No trust then no love.

When in your world or her world these cheating ideas are fabricated and no evidence at all exists.

The persons comment about steering a ship is a great one. Another strategy is known as "dont react, instead take a breath and respond".... Google this its a very educating in all aspects of life

Re: He’s perfect, I’m destroying it

Fern42 — Mon, 17 Apr 2023 05:04:36 GMT

Hello Teabee,

I was just reading your post and I thought it could be worth suggesting to you to read up on attachment styles, specifically anxious attachment. This manifests into our behaviours in relationships and it is likely that this is what you are experiencing given your partner hasn't given you any reason to believe about cheating. There is definitely ways to regulate your nervous system when experiencing these worries and concerned. However I think starting with understanding these attachment styles will help you understand why you are feeling this way.

Relationship anxiety

teaBee — Sun, 23 Apr 2023 00:37:46 GMT

When it comes to my relationship I worry about everything. That I’m not good enough. That he’ll leave one day. I am constantly over thinking and it’s caused fights between us. He loves me but it feels like my brain just can’t believe it. I hate being like this. And it makes things so hard for him. I feel guilty that I’m constantly worried or suspicious but I don’t know how to make it stop. We had a massive fight last night and it was all because I invaded his privacy. I don’t even know why I did it. I feel so defeated and mad at myself.

Re: Relationship anxiety

white knight — Sun, 23 Apr 2023 01:45:30 GMT

Hi, welcome

I know where you are at, hope I can help. Your f1st step has been taken, well done coming here.

From my lived experience it seems I once shared the following and found answers. Here goes- worry is non productive it will cause you ulcers, trust is better assumed and exercised until proven otherwise, guilt can be damaging and not knowing why you act like you do means all the above is out of control. Negative thinking can be reversed but take more effort. Your temperament and/or DNA is your nature and they are the things you cant change so separate them and embrace them. However, on a positive note these flaws are fixable and within reach. During the process of change needed, your partner by your side will help especially if he is supportive and accepting of your efforts.

The following threads relate specifically to each issue. All you need to do is read the 1st post of each thread.

Worry- Worry, worry worry - Beyond Blue Forums - 87808

Guilt- GUILT the tormentor - Beyond Blue Forums - 321604

Negative thinking- 30 minutes can change your life - Beyond Blue Forums - 154525

Your temperament- Your temperament - Beyond Blue Forums - 256585

Your DNA (your character- DNA what you cant change - Beyond Blue Forums - 296595

But there is lines to draw. Eg my ex partner criticsed me for having a passion, a hobby that I spent much time on. When we went to counselling she was asked if she had a passion, she didnt and therein lies that issue, that ha she had a passion she would not have been so critical.

And arguments? This pledge to each other could defuse them- Relationship strife? the peace pipe - Page 2 - Beyond Blue Forums - 315496

Reply anytime

TonyWK

Re: Relationship anxiety

geoff — Sun, 23 Apr 2023 02:11:04 GMT

Hello teaBee, having a relationship and feeling this way is going to cause problems, not only with trust, but unnecessary questions that do not need to be asked, you know this, I believe you do, so put yourself in his shoes and how would you react.

All couples have disagreements, but this doesn't mean they will leave each other, in fact it's quite healthy because you both re-establish your groundwork and it's possible to change your mind in another way.

If you keep thinking he's going to leave, then this opens up any possibility he may do something he would never think of doing, but you don't want this because you trust him.

Just because he does something out of the ordinary is because he's trying to find new ways to improve your r/lationship and you need to credit him in not asking you all the same questions, because he totally loves you, so try and turn this around and continue showing him your love.

Geoff.

Life Member.

Re: Relationship anxiety

Guest_1055 — Sun, 23 Apr 2023 04:54:26 GMT

Hi teabee, I believe you are going to be ok. I read a post on your other thread too. You come across as intelligent. And maybe had no life lessons on how healthy relationships work and how they look. Your mother sort of unintentionally taught you to be responsible for her as you were growing up.

I had siblings and my parents worked hard for us. My issue was I lived in books constantly, so I did not learn how connection to others and relationships worked. Also I have trouble believing people love me. I am not sure if it is because I don't think I am worthy enough or I don't know what it really feels like to have someone love me. Or I just didn't receive it when I was younger or believe I was loved when I was younger. Maybe you are the same there.

I had to come and properly still coming to believe to a place of thinking that my parents loved me the very best they knew how to. I am guessing you mum did too as best as she good, being that she was not well herself.

You might be able to get some help from relationships Australia, they have a website. I have been looking into the communication course there.

Feels so guilty

teaBee — Mon, 24 Apr 2023 02:40:03 GMT

My mental health is in a terrible place right now. It’s been getting worse and harder. But at the same time I’m so happy because I have the most wonderful boyfriend. This makes me feel guilty. He is so strong and brave. He’s been through things a thousand times worse than me and done so amazing to get here. But now he has to deal with me not being well. I make things hard for him and I’m scared one day he’ll get sick of it.

I got half way through writing this and decided to change my perspective. I’m not perfect but I’m a pretty great girlfriend. I work hard. I’m creative. I’m playful. I am genuinely the most sweet and caring person. I’ve helped him through his extreme lows too and I didn’t ever want to get rid of him because of that. I know he’s my best friend and I’m his best friend. We are oki

Re: Feels so guilty

Fern42 — Mon, 24 Apr 2023 03:47:25 GMT

Hi Teebee,

I'm really sorry to hear that your mental health is rough right now. It does sound like things are in a more difficult place for you. Although, I love that you stopped half way and changed your perspective on how you are viewing things, whether that be about yourself or your relationship. That is so positive and healthy for your mindset and I think it could be helpful to practice what you are doing there when you are having doubtful thoughts.

Relationships aren't there just for the good times and I am sure your boyfriend is very understanding and supportive and doesn't have a problem with being there for you. But it is also important to make sure you are caring for yourself in the best way that you can so it keeps your relationship healthy. It sounds like you are lucky to have each other as each other's best friend.

Take care and you're doing great with the positive self talk!

Re: Relationship anxiety

Dean07 — Mon, 24 Apr 2023 10:41:04 GMT

Hi teabee.
I’m sorry your are feeling anxious about your relationship.
I found that unless I could truly love myself that I could not believe that other people could love me. I could not except love because I thought I was unlovable.

I needed to build up my self esteem to a point where I felt good enough. I started with self care. I would do one nice thing each day for myself. I found it difficult to start with as I had to fight the negative thoughts that I really didn’t deserve this care. It doesn’t need to be anything big. Sometimes it would to stop and have a coffee.
There are resources online about self care and self esteem. I spent time reading interesting articles. Some were very helpful and some a bit off with the fairies for my liking.
I would try to be aware of when I started to feel negative or unlovable during the day. If it was triggered by a comment or action by someone else. I’d examine if the comment was fair. If it wasn’t I would mentally hand the comment back to the person who made it. It was their problem not mine.
If the the feeling came from something I was telling myself I would try to work out why I was thinking it. Childhood memories or some comment I had taken onboard as a truth when really it wasn’t.
I learn to love myself and then could believe someone could love me.
i don’t know there’s an end to this process but being further down the track is better than the start.
I hope you feel loveable soon.

Re: Relationship anxiety

Maxey — Sat, 29 Apr 2023 00:47:16 GMT

I’m not sure what I can offer, I just wanted to share some love and support with you as I understand your feelings and thoughts completely.

I am anxiety ridden, this is carried into most aspects of my life and I am struggling daily to function. Added to this my partner who I love very much is in a depressive episode and I see no end.

I am starting psychotherapy this week, and hypnotherapy. Having been previously medicated with a not very good response I am at my wits end trying to be happy and feel secure in myself.

In desperation I have reached out for professional and personal help literally everywhere possible I could find because I cannot live like this anymore.

I wish you strength and courage to do the same. The forums have been a god send and the incredible people on here have been a god send in some very dark days.

Re: Relationship anxiety

Tammy_ — Sun, 30 Apr 2023 06:23:40 GMT

Hello there, I used to overthink and worry in relationships too. One thing that helped me was Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). Diffusing from thoughts, accepting and making room for these thoughts without suppressing or pushing away, observing self and understanding that these thoughts are just thoughts and you don’t have to accept them as fact and living in the present moment. If you like to read, I can recommend ‘The happiness trap’ by Dr Russ Harris which is a guide to ACT. Hope this helps.

Re: Relationship anxiety

white knight — Wed, 03 May 2023 00:40:34 GMT

Hi Teabee and Maxie

Please google-

Beyondblue topic anxiety, how I eliminated it

Anxiety, a serious illness is curable in most cases but proactivity in my experience is essential. Your anxiety in both of you comes across so clear to me in your posts and in any relationship will not be helping. Good luck.

TonyWK