topic Re: Wanting to hear from survivors of infidelity in Relationship and family issues

Wanting to hear from survivors of infidelity

Bailey13 — Tue, 13 Jun 2017 06:55:57 GMT

Hi, I have been on the receiving end of a cheating husband (married 10 years, 2 kids). I know the majority will say reconciling will never work but I'm not ready to write it all off. I'd love to hear from anyone who has stayed in their relationship after being cheated on and how they are coping or managed to find peace, if that's even possible. My husband is very determined to rebuild or marriage. I sway day to day from feeling positive to not comprehending how it could possibly work. I'm feeling really stuck and scared of making everything worse either which way I turn. I don't want to fully invest myself back into our relationship unless i can cope with the lies and infidelity creeping up on me all the time. I trust that he loves me and would never do it again, but i don't trust myself to be able to get over it enough to not allow my hurt and sadness to interfere with our marriage. Anyone been or in a similar situation with some advice for me?

Wanting to hear from survivors of infidelity

Guest_9809 — Tue, 13 Jun 2017 08:43:42 GMT

Hi Bailey. Its a tough ask isnt it, having to deal with the pain and betrayal of infidelity? You're right, most people will say that you cannot mend the broken layers of trust in your relationship after being cheated on.

My husband has cheated on me. It hurt so very much! I had not the slightest idea it had been going on, and I only learned quite by accident. He denied it of course, until he could deny it no longer when he was forced to tell me I needed to see my GP for some STD tests. He tried to blame me, but my blood tests came back clear. His did not. So he finally admitted that it was a one off indiscretion, and that it would never happen again. He threatened self harm if I left.

We'd been married for about 10 years, and I loved him. So I forgave him and we went about our lives as before. Then it happened again! Again caught out by accident, an email he'd left open and I mistakenly read. I didnt want to know, but couldnt avoid the fact that he is simply a serial offender. He believes he has every right to do as he chooses, and has no hesitation in lying about it.

However I have remained with him. I feel an obligation to do so, and our lives are so entwined that I cannot really see a clear way out of it. He also needs me, and that is a surprisingly strong incentive to stay. He tells me he loves me, and that his dalliances mean nothing. Despite his cheating ways, I've chosen to believe him.

So yes, I have been in a similar situation to you, and I am still in that situation. I know he still cheats whenever he goes overseas, which is at least twice a year. I think he takes better precautions now, and I also insist we use protection ourselves. Knowing I cant trust him is painful, and I sometimes wish I didnt know. But what is done is done, and we make the best of a bad situation.

You say you wish to remain in your marriage. A couple of suggestions for you. I would suggest you attend some sort of couples therapy to try to get things back on track for both of you. Learn about why people cheat in the first place, maybe even ask him. You need to get the anger, pain and betrayal off your chest, so speak to a trusted friend or family member. Get tested for STD's if you havent yet done so. Dont make any long term decisions in the early stages. Dont try to 'get even' by doing the same thing he did. Dont say things you dont mean, or make idle threats. Dont blame yourself for your husbands actions.

I wish you luck Bailey.

Taurus

Wanting to hear from survivors of infidelity

Ken1 — Tue, 13 Jun 2017 08:54:41 GMT

Hey Bailey13,

I do not have experience with infidelity in a relationship but hope to offer some support otherwise.

I don't think you should immediately write it off at all, especially when it comes to marriage. Your own timing to make your own decisions is important and valid.

I like to believe that it is possible and while potentially many relationships where cheating has been involved may not recover, I can't believe that it is the case for everyone. Undoubtedly your husband had certain reasons for doing what he did and these are reasons that I'm sure can be overcome. If he's willing, loves you and is sorry for what he did, then in my opinion, the rest is up to you to decide.

I think so long as you guard your heart and surround yourself with really good friends that can help you in making some tough decisions and can look out for you, that you shouldn't be scared. It won't get worse until it does, and there's no point imagining that into existence.

If you feel like you're really struggling with the lies and infidelity, you may find that seeing a counsellor a couple of times would help you sort out your thoughts and emotions. They can help you find things you didn't even know you felt or thought.

I think there are some important decisions for you to make absolutely. But make sure that you don't let the worry and fear of the outcome of those decisions prevent you from making good ones. Talk to people who know you and love you, see a counsellor if you want to, and take as much time and healing as you need to be sure in what you want.

Hope this is helpful.

Bonnie

Wanting to hear from survivors of infidelity

kestrel — Sat, 17 Jun 2017 04:28:29 GMT

I was married for six years and we had daughter. After about two years I felt there was something wrong but she kept saying nothings wrong I still love you. I felt that she may as well not have been there, because she took very little interest in our daughter or me. Towards the end we went to relationship counselling where she said everything's okay nothing wrong with marriage. Second time I went on my own because she said we didn't need it cost too much. She after I blew up because her needs always came, our and I came very poor last. I found out later that at least for four years she had been cheating with an ex boyfriend. Then a lot of things made sense as I used to go to painting and music groups and if I said I didn't feel like going she'd insist I went and frequent suggestions that I visit relatives. I didn't suspect anything because it wasn't something I'd do though I'm no saint there were a couple of times I could have cheated but it would have only been sex not love. Later she started talking about getting back together but I couldn't trust her. I found it hard to trust other women after that. People do make mistakes and cheat, but I think if they've done it once it's likely to happen again. Some are faithful and some others aren't and think its okay. I think if a woman cheated on me I don't think I'd give her a second chance. If I cheated I wouldn't expect a chance, but I don't think I;d be cheating as its not in my nature.

Wanting to hear from survivors of infidelity

MsBeliever — Sat, 17 Jun 2017 11:29:10 GMT

Hi Bailey13

I have just found out my bf of 15 years has cheated on me again. The first time was early on in the relationship. We broke up but got back together. 15 years later and its happened again. I am numb and broken. I dont plan on staying with him anymore.. and I regret so much for having stayed with him for so many years.

I know what you mean when you say you are not sure if you can cope with the lies. It took me a long time to trust him again and even then I still got paranoid every now and then. I think as long as you are BOTH willing to work on the relationship then its possible to overcome this. Give it a chance especially if you still love him and he loves you. But know when its time to walk away. My mistake was I didnt when I knew in my heart I should have.

Wanting to hear from survivors of infidelity

Resp_Adult — Mon, 19 Jun 2017 03:25:40 GMT

10 years ago, my husband slept with two other women. We moved passed it - sought counseling. Earlier this year (I've just been told by my husband) that he'd done it again. He's just been diagnosed type 1 bipolar. Needless to say, I'm shattered and devestated - feel like an idiot. I can see the patterns now in retrospect - I will seek counseling I'm not sure I'm going to stick around for the third time. Feel ripped off, tired of being the responsible adult... Starting the anger phase. Good luck with your journey.

Wanting to hear from survivors of infidelity

kanga_brumby — Mon, 19 Jun 2017 05:44:54 GMT

Dear Baily I have some time back been in two different relationships. Two different women. Both of them promised me they wouldn't cheat on me. the first woman cheated twice on me. The second one found out about the first one. After discussions with me promising she would never do that. Within weeks she was with another bloke. Who was often threatening me in front of her and her children. Often bringing in his friends to back him up in a possible fight. Then to cap it all off another of her friends stole some checks from me. Then deposited one in her account. which then bounced. Costing the both of us money. I no longer in there company. Fortunately I did find someone who didn't cheat we hat two great kids. Unfortunately she got cancer and is no longer with us.

Kanga

Wanting to hear from survivors of infidelity

Bailey13 — Thu, 06 Jul 2017 11:31:34 GMT

Thank you all for your replies and advice. You all seem incredibly strong. Sorry to hear of your own heartbreak though 😢 I did see a psychologist for a while after it happened, found this valuable in venting and releasing some of the hurt but not overly constructive as far as strategies and advice to overcome the issues. Haven't had any couples counselling so will look into this. I am not really accepting a lot of support from family and friends as the general consensus is they don't want me to stay with him. You guys... albeit total strangers... have been more helpful, so thank you again. I'm hoping at some point soon I'll find some clarity and courage to move forward one way or another. It's been a long time since it happened and I'm still struggling, it's exhausting!

Wanting to hear from survivors of infidelity

Guest_9809 — Thu, 06 Jul 2017 11:42:42 GMT

Hi Bailey, and thanks so much for getting back to us.

I'm happy that talking about things here has been of some benefit to you. Its easy to listen to all of our experiences, but ultimately the decision whether to stay or go, is entirely yours. But it can help to talk about things. So please remember that if you ever want to have a chat or run things by us again, we are here.

All the best.

Taurus

Wanting to hear from survivors of infidelity

Leo2017 — Sun, 16 Jul 2017 00:24:25 GMT

Hi Bailey13,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, I too have been on the receiving end of infidelity (twice!),

The first time I did not manage my emotions nor the situation very well. I swept everything under the carpet and tried to forget - this did not work. It lead to many years of no communication with my partner, both of us dancing around our issues and never bringing them up because of how uncomfortable the situation was.

The second time probably didn't hurt quite as much as the first because I'd protected myself behind a concrete wall from the previous time (I still felt like i'd been run over by a bus). But this time I needed to understand the reasons why it had happened. We went to see a couples counsellor who was great at exposing our issues, but not so good at helping us repair. I am now seeing a different therapist who specialises in couples and relationships and seems to be better suited to my needs.

My partner is a long term sufferer of depression, and while what he did was not ok and very hurtful, it is giving us both the chance to stand in front of our issues and confront them instead of sweeping it under the carpet. I am seeing this as our second chance.

I wish you the best of luck, I know the hurt, anger, pain and loneliness that comes with infidelity. Rebuilding a relationship is a marathon, not a sprint, there is no quick fix, but I do think you both need to be 100% committed to wanting to make this work.

All the best,

Leo2017

Wanting to hear from survivors of infidelity

Bailey13 — Sun, 16 Jul 2017 10:59:38 GMT

Thanks Leo2017,

Appreciate you sharing your story with me. I hope your partner truly appreciates your love and effort in all this. Unless you've been on the receiving end I think it's hard to truly empathise, so I hope our partners never underestimate what we are putting ourselves through for them. I am so pleased to hear you have found a counsellor who is helping. My husband also suffers depression and there's a horrible long story about what led to his affair. None of it really laying blame on our relationship. I feel like if we did have a crappy relationship then I could understand why it's been ripped right out from under me. I know there's still a possibility of us working through this, but it will never be the same and I'm still having a hard time getting my head around that. I feel like I'm trapped in a no win situation, either way I look at it I can't forsee enough happiness to encourage me to make decisions about what to go from here, so I stay stuck in a viscous cycle. My thoughts fling back and forth from day to day and I really have no idea what to do. We are currently living separately and my kids are really struggling. I know people say they will adapt but they hate being away from me so getting them to stay with their dad is an emotional strain on all of us. We went from a close loving committed family to a big messy emotional wreck. I can't even find space in my mind to work out what's best for me when there so much else to worry and think about. I'd love to hear how you go with the counselling down the track. We haven't tried couples counselling, it kind of terrifies me, but maybe it's worth a try. I need to know whether it's possible to really put something like this behind you and move on, or whether it wreaks havoc with your relationship long term. I know everybody's different but if I can get as much advice from others in the same situation as I can, i hope it will help build my confidence to make some decisions and back myself. I am really sorry you are going through this (same to anyone in the same boat), it's awful and it's exhausting, but please know you are turning your pain into something positive by giving your advice and input, it's very kind and selfless of you

Take care, thank you again

Wanting to hear from survivors of infidelity

Ken1 — Mon, 17 Jul 2017 11:44:41 GMT

Hey Bailey13,

I'm going to put it out there that I cannot read your future, or understand your experiences right now, but I do know that generally, when we are feeling vulnerable, we catastrophise, making us unable to foresee the full extent of possible happiness. I'm sure there are many ways that your future could look and become bleak and unhappy, but that is not to say that the possibility of happiness is off the table. I wish I could give you a story of a similar circumstance to yours that had a happy ending but I don't have something so closely related. I can tell you however that I attempted suicide this time last year and believed with every fibre of my body that there was no hope, no happiness in my future and no other way. I tried SO many things and all of a sudden I stumbled across options I never would've thought to find that led to the place I am at now where I am genuinely the happiest I've ever been. I regularly have to stop and pinch myself because I never ever believed I would be here, feeling this way.

I know that doesn't give you an answer or a way to go. I just hope that it shows you that there are situations in which it seems that nothing good can come out of it and the future is doomed, but things can actually turn around. I didn't do anything noble or amazing to turn my situation around - I only did bad things and stumbled into amazing things! I believe that this can happen for you too.

Have you considered that maybe, if you were to commit to working out what's best for you - sacrificing that time, that you may be better equipped to deal with what's going on? You know that phrase, 'Charity starts at home'?

I would say that if you can find a way to get a bulk-billed couple's counselling session, then what's the harm in just trying?

Hoping you'll keep finding the strength to persist through what sounds like a really difficult time.

All my best.

Bonnie

Wanting to hear from survivors of infidelity

Leo2017 — Tue, 18 Jul 2017 09:18:10 GMT

Hi Bailey,

Thank you for your kind words - I 100% understand the emotional rollercoaster of infidelity and how alone and hurt you feel.

I believe my decision to stay and work through our issues comes down to the fact that my partner is my best friend, and I want our relationship to survive because I think we will be stronger and happier than ever.

I would definitely give counselling a go - I don't think there is anything to lose. If anything, it's a really good way of unloading to an impartial person who can also give you advise on how to recover.

I wish you the best of luck, and feel free to reach out anytime.

Leo

Wanting to hear from survivors of infidelity

Bailey13 — Sun, 30 Jul 2017 11:42:17 GMT

Thank you for your wise words and compassion Bonnie and Leo. You both seem so incredibly strong, I admire that so much! How you find such positive and supportive words for a total stranger when you've been through so much yourselves is inspiring. Couples counselling sounds like a good option at this point, I will look into this.

Thank you again, I truly am grateful for you taking the time to help me 🙂

Wanting to hear from survivors of infidelity

Ken1 — Tue, 01 Aug 2017 23:32:25 GMT

So glad we were able to be of some help, Bailey13. Strength surely does come out of difficult experiences and I know you carry that strength now, and even more of it when you overcome these difficulties you're going through now.

Glad that you've decided to look into a potential solution for yourself and your husband! I wish you all the best with finding a counsellor that's a good fit.

So happy to help and are always here when you need.

Bonnie

Wanting to hear from survivors of infidelity

Mapletree — Sat, 07 Nov 2020 22:28:45 GMT

Hi Bailey13, I just want to say you are not alone. I could’ve written your paragraph. It’s sounds just like what I feel too. I’d like to know what the secret or coping mechanism is too. I wanted to say to you, that I’m sorry you are sad. I understand your pain. Some days are hurdles I just can’t get over and other days it doesn’t cross my mind. But it’s constantly there. I think for me, I placed so much belief in my relationship and openly said if you wanted to destroy me, that’s how you would do it, and he did exactly that and he was probably the last person in the world I would’ve imagined to be a cheater. I hope each day gets a little better just for you if nothing else.

Wanting to hear from survivors of infidelity

Freckles1984 — Tue, 19 Jan 2021 22:39:39 GMT

Hi Bailey,

I am just looking for some hope...

I am going trough something very similar to what you exposed in here, I am really sorry you had to go through it all.

How is your life now? did you ever came across the other side. I feel like everyday is a struggle. Like you, I never imagined he would do something like that, we had our marriage issues, who doesn’t? But he just destroyed me.

I feel so sad, he wants to repair and move forward and although that is possibly what I want too, I find myself immersed in flashbacks of his dalliances and I seem not to able to move forward.

what do I do??

Re: Wanting to hear from survivors of infidelity

lost19 — Wed, 27 Jul 2022 20:58:58 GMT

Hi Bailey,

I’ve just stumbled across your post from 2017 - just wondering how you’re going now?

Freckles1984 and mapletree - how are you both going now?

i discovered my husband had been having an affair 3 months ago. And I’m still struggling immensely. There’s things regarding the affair that he’s swearing black and blue against (eg. I’ve asked if he had contacted her after I found out about the affair, he is swearing on everything that he didn’t)… how do you accept these sorts of things and move on 😥

Thanks in advance guys, looking forward to hearing from someone - anyone that can offer me some positive advice please.

Re: Wanting to hear from survivors of infidelity

Ggrand — Thu, 28 Jul 2022 04:31:22 GMT

Hello Dear lost19,

I would love to give you a very warm and caring welcome to our forums..

I am deeply sorry this has happened to you and your now struggling with trusting your husbands words…that would be very hard to do….I think trusting each other is a must for a loving and caring marriage..and once that trust has been broken it’s very hard for the other person to trust again…..

As this thread is an older one…. if you feel up to starting your own thread, more people would be able to pop into it and support you as well as offer some good suggestions….

I am sorry, that I don’t really have any good advise for you….but I’m sure, starting your own thread, many caring and beautiful community members will call in to chat to you…

My kindest thoughts dear lost19..

Grandy..

Re: Wanting to hear from survivors of infidelity

Croix — Thu, 28 Jul 2022 05:13:41 GMT

Dear Lost19~

I'd like to join Grandy in welcoming you here. You are in a heart-breaking position and knowing what to do is very hard to fathom out. Before I go any further may I ask you if you have any support or are dealing with this in isolation?

A family member or friend? Someone who cares and who you can talk frankly with can make a lot of difference to you, lighten the load a little. They can't fix things, but you may feel less alone.

If there is no such person you might give a thought to getting some counseling, for that reason and also to borrow their experience. Relationships Australia is good one and may have a presence in your area - 1300 364 277

I think Grandy's advice about trust is spot on. It is essential for a relationship and once broken in very hard indeed to re-establish. That's not to say it is impossible.

One thing I would say is that if it is going to be possible at all then it is the job of the person that broke the trust to actively rebuild it. Lies or argument or ignoring things wil not do the job, they simply make things worse

In this case I guess it is up to your husband to make every effort to regain your trust. This not only means completely owning up to what has happened in the past, but making it easy for you to see if he is behaving in an acceptable manner onward. Such things as giving you the pass to his phone, sayng where he is going out to, and anything else that might cause you to worry.

It can be a test if someone cares, if they shut you out and do not try hard then I suppose you have to draw your own conclusions.

I'd like to end on a positive note, to my knowledge some - but obviously not all - people have had an affair and learned from the experiencing and been faithful from then on.

We would very much like it if you came back and we could talk some more

Croix