topic Re: Lonely - Partner of Addict in Relationship and family issues

Lonely - Partner of Addict

Emma90 — Sun, 26 Feb 2023 12:20:49 GMT

Hi everyone.

My partner of 5 years has just relapsed. He relapsed last year and did a stint a few months ago in rehab for 3 weeks but last week relapsed again and it is bad. We live with his parents and they are threatening to kick him out. I actually find myself hoping they do so he will hit rock bottom and get the help he needs. He has struggled with addiction and schizophrenia for over a decade and his ex girlfriend killed herself (drugs as well).

I am not posting here for advice but I am very lonely and I have no one to talk to about this as everyone in my life is very judgemental and I just want someone to chat to so I don’t feel so alone 😞 please reach out if you want to chat to me.

Re: Lonely - Partner of Addict

Bob_22 — Mon, 27 Feb 2023 07:08:31 GMT

Hi Emma90,

Thank you for coming here and I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. Yes please feel free to post whatever is going on for you here. Our community is very supportive and incredibly empathic. I volunteer on these forums and post several times a week. As mentioned, I'll not give any advice but simply lend an ear. Hope that's enough.

You should know that if at any time you would like to one of the counsellors here over the phone or online via chat you can go here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/talk-to-a-counsellor

Bob

Re: Lonely - Partner of Addict

Emma90 — Mon, 27 Feb 2023 12:22:18 GMT

Thank you for your reply Bob.

His parents seem like they are falling for his lies that it was only a once or twice time thing. I don’t know what to do to get him to realise he needs to get himself help. I feel very alone and wish there was more support available.

Re: Lonely - Partner of Addict

Croix — Mon, 27 Feb 2023 12:44:19 GMT

Dear Emma90~

I'd like to join Bob in welcoming you here to the Forum. I think it is a good idea of yours to come, and no, we are not judgmental. In fact from the details you have given us I'd be completely stuck as to how to judge anyone you mentioned.

It is obvious your partner has a alcohol use disorder, and a most difficult mental conditon as well to try to cope with. The fact he recognizes the problems and tries to deal wiht them is in fact something pretty praiseworthy. If you add in the effects of being close to someone who took their life it is a hard row to hoe.

His parents have all the dismay of seeing an offspring in such difficult circumstances and may not be able to ride the inevitable ups and downs and unreliability. Actually as a parent I'd be wondering where I went wrong - an inappropriate but natural worry.

I've left you to last because I wanted ot think about what you are going through . No doubt the building of hope during rehab, the crushing disappointment when the wheels fall off and most probably a lot of misplaced feelings along hte lines you 'should be able' to steer your partner right. Add to that the possibility if your partner is forced to leave the home there may be some doubt as to if you still have a place to live.

Actually although it is very tempting to think homelessness might do him good, my own experience is that having a home is an advantage to build on, homelessness simply creates more problems.

Talking to people that do not understand is bad for the soul, leaving one feeling more isolated and alone. Can I suggest you give Al-anon a try if they are in your area? It is there to support people who have to care for someone who has an alcohol use disorder. It is not an organisation that tries to 'cure' anyone with an alcohol problem, it is to simply support loved ones and carers and let them see paths to relief and less stress.

I would like it if you came back and talked some more

Croix

Re: Lonely - Partner of Addict

Bob_22 — Mon, 27 Feb 2023 23:19:36 GMT

Hi Emma90,

Thanks for the update. I'm sorry to hear that your partner's parents are susceptible to his lies. I'm not too knowledgeable of services that support those affected by drug and alcohol misuse but I did some online research and found this website. This is a directory of services and also provides online counselling and support for those in NSW: https://www.health.nsw.gov.au/aod/Pages/contact-service.aspx

I hope this helps. Keep us updated on how you're going. I hope your living situation is going okay. Croix has offered some great advice.

Bob

Re: Lonely - Partner of Addict

Fern42 — Tue, 28 Feb 2023 04:07:59 GMT

Hi Emma90,

I just want to acknowledge how great it is that you have reached out when feeling alone, that in itself demonstrates alot of strength. I can see that this is a very challenging time right now, with a lot of worry and concern which is understandable. I think it's so important to be caring for yourself while going through this difficulty. What do you enjoy doing, that gives you feelings of comfort? Whether that being listening to music, going for a walk, talking to friends? Focusing in on yourself can help so much with feelings of loneliness. We are also here any time to chat, so hoping that might be some comfort too.

Re: Lonely - Partner of Addict

Emma90 — Tue, 28 Feb 2023 12:20:22 GMT

Thank you Croix. It is actually a drug addiction. I wish it was alcohol sometimes!

I know that probably sounds pretty silly to say.

I have looked into aa, na and family anon and the meetings are too far away, it’s crazy only regional areas have the option for Skype. I would join if they had this option.

Thank you for your response

Re: Lonely - Partner of Addict

Emma90 — Tue, 28 Feb 2023 12:21:27 GMT

Thank you Fern.

it’s really hard to find the joy in things at the moment. I usually find joy in my work but I find myself struggling there too at the moment. Can’t sleep or eat properly. Things are very tough at the moment.

Re: Lonely - Partner of Addict

Croix — Tue, 28 Feb 2023 13:02:45 GMT

Dear Emma90~

Thanks for coming back and saying more. It really is hard in a rural area to get support, particularly if your internet is not ideal. You did mention lack of Al-anon, who actualy seem to have one Zoom group at least in each state (Nar-anon does have Zoom meets too).

If you were to try any of these out I'd suggest not using the 'hybrid' ones as I've found the people in the room at one table do not always appear clearly or distinctly to those on computers.

I'm not suggesting these organizations are a perfect fit, however if you form your own judgment you may find them of some use in alleviating isolation if nothing else.

Actually I'd be very interested in your impressions if you do go down that track

Croix

Re: Lonely - Partner of Addict

Petal22 — Thu, 02 Mar 2023 10:25:58 GMT

Hi Emma90,

Im sorry that yourself and your partner are going through this.

I understand that your partners parents may not fully understand the impacts of someone who’s a drug addict.

When someone is an addict it’s the drug that’s driving this person, they are under its spell which is something hard for their loved one to watch because they can see that it’s destroying the person.

Loved ones can tell the person that they need help but the addict needs to want the help.. they need to become aware within themselves.

The addict themselves can feel helpless within themselves because of the cycle they are stuck in.

Kicking your partner out won’t help it will only make things worse for the addict.. I know it’s hard but what this person needs is love and understanding and encouragement that they can beat this unrelenting cycle and get their life together if they want better for themselves.

Wait until this person is sober and then have a non judgemental conversation together.

There really is hope that this person can recover…. have they seen a gp In regards to their addiction? There are treatments available.

I understand that the schizophrenia would also be hard for your partner to deal with….. This is something that also needs treatment.

There is hope …. You may want to google Kyle Quilly Quilausing he was a meth addict and spent time in a high custody jail he walked out of that jail sober and with a clean heart… he may be able to give you and your partner HOPE that the addiction can be beaten….

Re: Lonely - Partner of Addict

Emma90 — Sat, 04 Mar 2023 12:32:42 GMT

Thank you for the link Bob I will have a look at it!

Re: Lonely - Partner of Addict

Emma90 — Sat, 04 Mar 2023 12:35:02 GMT

It’s been very difficult finding joy in things at the moment. I feel like all my friends are too busy/don’t understand what I’m going through/are too judgemental to hang out with at the moment.

I have signed up for an activity I have been wanting to do at the end of the month but it can’t come soon enough!

Money is also a big stressor in doing fun things at the moment (as it is for many others!).

I have been trying to do fun things but it is hard to take my mind off things and enjoy myself and I just wish I had people in my life to speak to. I really appreciate all you guys taking the time to speak with me here.

Re: Lonely - Partner of Addict

Emma90 — Sat, 04 Mar 2023 12:36:26 GMT

I don’t really live in a rural area but the closest places aren’t very close, and the zooms are only open to rural people (which I am not). I wish they had fam-anon like they have in the UK! Really not enough support services in Australia sadly 😞

I’ll let you know how I go with those links Bob posted!

Re: Lonely - Partner of Addict

Emma90 — Sat, 04 Mar 2023 12:38:42 GMT

Thanks Petal I think his mum understands but is in major denial, his father is just over it as they have been dealing with this for almost 20 years.

They are luckily not kicking him out yet but it is stressing me having this hang over our heads.

The schizophrenia adds a whole different dimension to things as his delusions are off the chart at the moment. He thinks the drugs fix his issues which is really scary and he swings between agreeing he needs help and denying it.

Thank you for your informative response.

Re: Lonely - Partner of Addict

Petal22 — Sat, 04 Mar 2023 13:26:57 GMT

Hi Emma,

Thats ok I’m happy to respond to you, thank you for reaching back out to me.

I understand Emma90 where his parents are at and it’s tough.

The mums of the addict sometimes do seem to be in denial but deep down they know the truth and in some cases it’s the Mum who’s the strongest who holds the family together.

The Dads do get fed up with it all and sometimes wonder how much more they can take. They try to be strong but sometimes don’t really know within themselves how to deal with it.

Your partner is going to do what he is going to do but the best thing his parents can do and yourself is to try to hold each other together.

It can be a long tiring road.

Please remember it’s not you or his parents who have the addiction, you still need to do things for yourself in your life that you enjoy doing.

I understand that having the thought of being kicked out of the family home would be stressful.

Is your partner aware that speaking to a health professional can be beneficial to him?

There may be certain medications available to him so he doesn’t crave the drugs and then can live a more functional life?

I understand that living regional can be difficult for finding support but yourself and your partner could do some research yourselves and speak to certain health professionals who could help you via phone or video chat?

Im sorry that your partner is in the thought process he is in regarding his schizophrenia and drugs but this emphasis the fact that he really needs to seek appropriate medical attention ASAP.

There really is HOPE Emma90 but your partner needs to want better for himself and then take the appropriate action in getting to this point.

Re: Lonely - Partner of Addict

geoff — Sat, 04 Mar 2023 21:17:40 GMT

Hello Emma, I don't know much about schizophrenia but with addiction I certainly do, but he can only see one side of the story and that's his, and can't see the forest for the trees.

Sometimes going to rehab may only help people while they are in there, but as soon as they are released they get in contact 'with their friends' once again and it's possible to then relapse.

Ifyou wnt to discuss anything then please do.

Geoff.

Life Member.