topic Re: This marriage feels so unfair in Relationship and family issues

This marriage feels so unfair

-B- — Sun, 19 Feb 2023 01:38:20 GMT

I never thought that I would be here. I am in my 30s, married for less than a year to a man I had an affair with. We have a new baby together and after 6 months following his birth, I am back at work full time supporting my new family and husband's 17yo (from prev. marriage) that the ex-wife kicked out of home. I have welcomed this kid into my home with open arms and he has no manners, no hygiene, contributes nothing and I cook, clean and do his washing. I am burnt out, feeling neglected and taken advantage of. My husband quit his job to care for our baby full time. I try so hard to push myself every day to perform at work, care for our family and be a loving wife. The second I express that I'm stressed or need help, my husband takes offence and distances himself from me. Even if I'm sobbing on the bathroom floor, I am ignored. I am always the one to approach him, apologise for being emotional and bridge the distance. I am emotionally exhausted. Is this normal for new mums to feel so neglected? If I didn't love my husband as much as I do, I would be asking him for a divorce. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Re: This marriage feels so unfair

white knight — Sun, 19 Feb 2023 05:18:38 GMT

Hi, welcome

Sometimes memories flow back. Briefly- 1st marriage held down 3 jobs including shift work so wife could stay at home mum. Then I had to cook, chop wood, mow one acre of lawns and clean as she did nothing but watch TV. 11 years, the silent treatment (google it) a suicide attempt and had to leave for self preservation. Then lived with a lady for 10 years. Her 14yo son was entitled type. Automatically expected me to cook his chosen food rather than what I had planned. Was totally spoilt, wouldnt get out of bed. Partner doted on him.

So, I'm sorry you are in this situation. I'm 67yo now and the things I tolerated at 25-45yo I wouldnt dream of doing now. I'd rather leave and set myself up alone and be wiser in my choice of partner.

You are not responsible for your step child. Zero, zilch. But one does go with the flow and assist because thats what partners do right? Yes. I dont understand why your partner had left work to care for the baby but I compare that situation when I had so many issues with my first wife - "why dont we swap, you can get that touch typing job at the council and I be a stay at home dad?" Her answer "that isnt negotiable"!! Talk about fuming! It results in a feeling of being trapped, disrespected and unloved. A normal marriage everything is negotiable.

I feel its odd that he is 17yo and so unmotivated. At 17 and 4 days old I joined the RAAF and had to do all my chores. Any colleague with poor hygiene and basic respect was sorted out quickly. Think this is more common now?

I suppose the general view might be along the lines of family counselling, marriage counselling and that could work. My next preference would be a shock to your partners attitude when he sulks and doesnt approach you to comfort you when in distress. I'd leave, take 2 weeks off and stay in a motel or caravan park. In that time I'd get a feel for living without him, test those waters.

Quote- "If I didn't love my husband as much as I do, I would be asking him for a divorce." Yet he wont comfort you when you need a hug and some compromising? Loving someone is great but not being loved in return is likely terminal. I urge you to care for yourself.

Keep posting if you desire.

TonyWK

Re: This marriage feels so unfair

-B- — Sun, 19 Feb 2023 05:33:29 GMT

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond Tony. I am grateful for your perspective and it has given me a lot to think about. With no intent to present as obnoxious, I really feel people are much better at being selfish than me.