topic Need help with a complex relationship issue involving infidelity... in Relationship and family issues

Need help with a complex relationship issue involving infidelity...

TheUnaverageBloke — Thu, 07 Apr 2022 10:53:15 GMT

Hi,
I've been reading this forum for a few years now, rarely posted anything but the support and kindness I find here is incredible.
I've been hesitant in posting this but I've come to the point where I need help and some guidance.
This is kind of a long story, but I'll start at the beginning...
I've been in love with my best mates sister since I was young, some 25+ years, we've also been great friends to each other, I had tried to go from friend zone to a relationship a few times but was always rejected on the grounds that we were like siblings (having known each other since she was 6 years old, I didn't develop any feelings towards her until I was 16 and she was 14) I have not had a day where I haven't thought of her since telling myself she was the one for me and that one day we would grow old and ugly in each other's arms...
My connection with her ended up causing me to not form any relationships with girls until I was 27, where I gave up and ended up in a committed relationship with a workmate for 8 years... She ended up cheating on me with her ex and we broke up in spectacular form.
I was heartbroken and quickly turned to my friends for support, including her (at the time she was also in a relationship) I got past the blues and found another partner through online dating, the relationship was great initially, we had a lot of shared interests and she was employed in a field that I was interested in yet wasn't my profession (I am quite over educated to say the least without giving too much away). We started trying for our first child (who is a beautiful little 3 yo now) before he was born I had to endure years of mental anguish,, I spent literally years of my life trying to convince her that it will be okay and living is not as bad as she made it out to be.
Since the birth of our first child life with her had been mediocre, many times I heard her say she was a "bad mum and didn't deserve it" even though it was exactly what she wanted. Our intimacy has completely disappeared, much to my dismay, as it was fairly decent until then.

Need help with a complex relationship issue involving infidelity...

white knight — Thu, 07 Apr 2022 12:26:10 GMT

Hi Welcome

It seems you missed out on an ending of your post. Can you Rea's it and post again any extra information. Eg are you now thinking about your childhood friend more now?

TonyWK

Need help with a complex relationship issue involving infidelity...

TheUnaverageBloke — Thu, 07 Apr 2022 12:43:11 GMT

Sorry, there was a limit to the post...

She would argue and fight with me, loose her cool and swear in front of my son, every time I would stay calm and cool, not trying to fan the flames and attempt to de-escilate the situation saying, let's talk about this later... 😞
Frankly I'm suprised the neighbours didn't call the police with the level of noise coming from the house.
One thing to note is that shw is also 30wks pregnant with our 2nd child.
So, this all comes down to my major issue, the girl I've loved all along ends up coming back into my life, like a hurricane, during a time where there is absolutely no love between me and the current partner, only a shared love for our son, the only thing that is keeping us together apart from the unborn child. She states that she has feelings for me after all these years, we have an affair and keep everything completely secret, it continues and she asks me to be her husband, something that I have dreamed of for a very long time, I'm completely captivated by her.
Home life becomes a living hell, as the current partner becomes jealous of the attention I'm giving the other girl, not knowing the actual truth. I can't bring myself to be that guy that breaks us with a girl who is so close to giving birth to my second child but I can't stop my feelings towards the other girl who I have longed for my entire life.
I don't want to hurt anyone and I can't figure out what to do, the fights with m the current partner end up with us agreeing to break up but the next day it's like nothing has changed and life keeps going like some kind of messed up groundhog day...
I just feel confused and in a state of not knowing what each day will bring.
Meanwhile the other girl is also desperate to have children of her own, and has been seeing other men, which makes me super jealous but I understand her need as she is getting older and as she said her clock is ticking...

Please if anyone can give advice in this I would greatly appreciate it...

Sorry for the very long diatribe but I needed to give some kind of history to ensure context was maintained

Need help with a complex relationship issue involving infidelity...

TheUnaverageBloke — Thu, 07 Apr 2022 12:50:25 GMT

The problem is that I love the other girl more than life itself, she is like kryptonite to me, I can't help myself... 😔 She makes me feel like I am loved and alive, whereas my current partner makes me almost makes her mission to make me feel miserable on a daily basis. If it wasn't for my son and unborn daughter I would have definitely ended this facade and ran to her with open arms... 😞

Need help with a complex relationship issue involving infidelity...

TheUnaverageBloke — Thu, 07 Apr 2022 13:01:59 GMT

I feel like an absolute asrehole for even thinking or knowng I have cheated on my partner, although I know, and caught her red handed cheating on me in the past, but all I want is to do the best for the kids, not me although I deserve some happiness in my life and I know it's not with the current partner

Need help with a complex relationship issue involving infidelity...

geoff — Thu, 07 Apr 2022 15:29:11 GMT

Hello TheUnaverageBloke, thanks for continuing your post which surely must be complex for you to resolve.

It's a rather confusing situation you're in and may have been for a long time, where both you and your partner have cheated on each other, but now you have 1 child and another on it's way, so they are your priority, irrespective of any relationship but understand you want to be happy.

One problem at the moment is that no matter how much you love this old friend, she is currently seeing other men, even though the two of you had an affair and wonder why this didn't continue, although I do realise that you have one child and another close to being born.

In the long term your r/lationship with your partner doesn't seem to be harmonious with the children only keeping you together.

I'm not suggesting this because it's your decision to make, but you can still support the kids and have visitation rights, but the lady you have always had a liking towards, I wonder whether she would be loyal to you, if you decided to be with her.

This is not an easy comment to reply to.

Geoff.

Need help with a complex relationship issue involving infidelity...

white knight — Fri, 08 Apr 2022 05:12:54 GMT

Hi UB

I totally agree with Geoff's wise words. The dilemma you are in with your current wife and this other lady could become even worse a dilemma as you progress to living with this other woman. That is the risk you take.

Geoff is also right is mentioning that your child and more so your unborn needs your attention atm. You express guilt over having the affair but your lust/love for this other woman is driving you towards suffering even more guilt if you act now on leaving your wife during this pregnancy.

Here is my opinion. Your decision is yours. I'd wait until your child is born. By then (3-5 months) you'll know much more about the other lady, her dating and your trust levels of her. You'll also know more about your wife and how to plan your approach to her to separate. Finally you'll know life post your wife. eg Child support is around 27% of your gross wage (minus a base figure) as per the formula (google child support agency formula) and that will be payable for 18 years. I met a lady and we lived together when I had two young kids living with their mother. I got ill and needed my GF to pay my Child Support. She refused. Take these things into account like will the other lady be a good step mum?

TonyWK

Need help with a complex relationship issue involving infidelity...

TheUnaverageBloke — Sat, 09 Apr 2022 01:44:57 GMT

Thank you Geoff and WK,

I completely understand the difficulty that I face, I know that leaving my partner (we are not married, just in a domestic partnership) now could end up with me being put through more pain in the future.

My primary concern is that staying in a relationship with her could do far more long term damage to the psychological welfare of the kids knowing (and seeing) their parents are not happy and fight all the time. The secondary concern is for my own mental health, staying in an unhappy relationship and just faking being happy when I'm being made to feel miserable on a daily basis is and will take its toll on me. Knowing I could have been happy with the other girl and that if I didn't act on that it would truly haunt me until I take my last breath.

The other girl would actually make a great stepmother, she has wanted kids since she was 16 but had never been in a good enough relationship to achieve her goal. We have talked together about the idea of her being a stepmum and she was excited at the possibility of that being in her future.

My current partner had "told" me that we need or should break up as she feels like things would be easier without me, but I know they won't be, that's part of the reason I have stayed. I am worried about the whole custody issue should we have separate, we have discussed it and agreed to a 50/50 split where I would have the kids (once the newest is old enough) one week and she have them the next. But I am even moreso worried that she won't hold up her end of the bargain and get nasty as I know she can, where she would fight me to have them at all just because she wants to hurt me out of spite.

It truly is a difficult situation and decision to make, one that I have been thinking about for the better part of a year and still have not come to a solid conclusion, hence posting and wanting to hear a proverbial 3rd parties thoughts and opinion on.

Again, thank you for giving me this.

Cheers, UB

Need help with a complex relationship issue involving infidelity...

white knight — Sat, 09 Apr 2022 10:07:04 GMT

Hi UB

RE:" My current partner had "told" me that we need or should break up as she feels like things would be easier without me, but I know they won't be, that's part of the reason I have stayed." Plus "agreed to a 50/50 split where I would have the kids (once the newest is old enough) one week and she have them the next"

Two crucial factors imo. You drfacto eife has resigned to the fact you both should separate. Also 50/50 access to your kids is ideal all round. And your love one likes kids ! Bonus.

Imo I would monitor your partners mood about it all as her pregnancy is a big factor. You don't want to be known for "abandoning her" while in need unless...she wants that.

Your objective is to come to an agreement that includes finances, visitations, flexibility all round and friendliness. Even when you live with your new love it would benefit the kids if she had a low level talkative occasional chat either your kids mum.

Certainly worthy of a plan.

Two legal options are available 1/ for a solicitor to draw up such an agreement with it signed in front of him/her 2/ for the agreement to pass through a magistrate. Yhe latter ensures no possible claim later eg you win lotto. Fathers and mothers are equal now (not when I was in your similar situation) so offering 50% care, suitable home etc she likely won't have justification to start keeping to kids.

Thoughts?

TonyWK

Need help with a complex relationship issue involving infidelity...

geoff — Sat, 09 Apr 2022 14:35:40 GMT

Hello UB, I agree with Tony and you can also discuss this with a mediator if you like, then when an agreement has been made it's sent off to a solicitor who will then draw up the settlement and then it's provided to the courts who will look it over and if there are no problems, it's then made legal, as Tony has said, this is what happened to someone very close to me and it's working.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Need help with a complex relationship issue involving infidelity...

TheUnaverageBloke — Sun, 17 Apr 2022 01:13:25 GMT

Hi Geoff & WK,

Firstly, thank you for you advice. I now understand the immediate need for both a mediator and legal recourse.

After carefully having a discussion with my partner, she turned nasty, so I left the house to remove myself from the situation and ensuing vocal argument which would have had her yelling at me while I talked calmly, as I usual do to not cause my son to wake up and have to listen to his parents arguing. She sent messages to me that there was both no going back from and could be used for both options proposed, such as:
"Let's see how you keep your cool when I start doing things that you disapprove of. You think things are bad now, they can get a whole lot worse..."
and "I'll leave you to look after the kids for the majority of the weekend while I sleep and head off the other peoples houses without them." this was also referring to her cheating on me in the past, which in hindsight I now understood, however she has absolutely no idea that I had been seeing the other party in a romantic sense; and more importantly "If you insist on staying I'll make you wish you never did!!"
As you can plainly see, she doesn't want mediation and only wants to ensure she exacts some kind of revenge by taking the kid/s away.

To make things more depressive for me, the other girl I had been seeing has now ghosted me, saying she needed space to sort out her own issues, which I understood as she has her own baggage and was detoxing from over indulging alcohol, but I have since discovered she is also seeing someone else even after she proposed to me and I had said yes but I needed to sort things out to ensure the kids were going to be ok first. Which hurts a lot having heard her say that to me, although she also said it was more her needing a friend to talk to but she had met the fellow on eharmony, and more confusing with her saying she still loved me 😔

Need help with a complex relationship issue involving infidelity...

white knight — Sun, 17 Apr 2022 09:46:24 GMT

Hi again,

It is clear you've found much clarity, I'm pleased.

Spouses that use cruel and /or threatening comments then end a conversation with "I love you" is an ultimate contradiction. Love is actions accompanied by words, not words on their own.

Imo seeds can be easily planted by controlling types that propagates into guilt for the victim.

It's the nature of a person that doesn't change. It's why, in my case with my narcissistic mother that she'd fill me with guilt but 3 months later return to the demon.

I won't vlaim you wife has any illness but the bouncing from evil words to threats to "but I do love you" is best explained by googling

Queen witch hermit waif.

That's the 4 characters of my own mother. Realising this and with her in denial I left her life 11 years ago and did not return.

You'll find that interesting and even helpful

TonyWK

Need help with a complex relationship issue involving infidelity...

geoff — Sun, 17 Apr 2022 20:41:21 GMT

Hello TheUnaverageBloke, the other girl you had been seeing has her own problems with alcohol and with her finding someone else on eHarmony may be a cause for concern for you, because you don't know how she is going to tackle the alcohol and meeting a person on a dating site may mean you don't know what she's going to do next.

Sorry mate.

Geoff.

Need help with a complex relationship issue involving infidelity...

Karen0901 — Mon, 18 Apr 2022 06:07:18 GMT

There is a lot going on here. I agree that your children are your biggest concern in this. I grew up in a broken home with difficult parents and step parents. It was a toxic dynamic. If you can sort this out amicably, it will be much better for your children. I don't believe you should stay in a bad relationship for the sake of children. The fact my parents were separated was not the problem. It would have been nice if they were together but not if they hated life.

Would you want to stay with the mother of your children if your other lady was not in the picture? If the answer is no, get out of the relationship. I don't think waiting until she gives birth is a good idea, unless she is having a difficult pregnancy. I believe you can support her without being in a romantic relationship. You should continue to support her emotionally and financially (within reason), no matter what . Your children need it. Also consider how much her behaviour is being effected by the pregnancy hormones and the pressure of being a parent. The early years of being a parent are hard.

In regards to your other lady, it sounds like there is some desperation to get pregnant. As a woman, there is a very strong drive when we feel our time is running out to have children. Quite frankly, she may be looking elsewhere right now because of this. It's also worth considering if it was why she contacted you initally. I can't determine this without knowing the personalities etc., involved. However, I question her ethics about contacting someone she knew loved her, when I'm assuming she knew you had a baby on the way. I assume you know her well though. If she was desperate to get together with you, as she realized how much she wanted you, why is she now looking at other men, when you reciprocated her feelings? Seems odd.

Finally, are her alcohol issues serious? Will it be something that may effect your relationship in the future and any children she may have with you? Addictions can ruin any relationship if they are out of control.