topic Re: Should I cut ties in Relationship and family issues

Should I cut ties

HelloGail — Sun, 18 Dec 2022 02:11:45 GMT

My only child 25 year old daughter hurt me in May 2022 when she told me she wanted me to have boundaries. Limit to calling once per week and no texting. I do not have any social media so I am not in her face so to say but this week she broke her promise to stay and help me after my eye surgery. These two actions by her is obvious to me that she wants to break away from me and I fear the worst that when she eventually marries I won't be invited, these are my fears and worries for our future. Should I break free? Example change my phone number and close all contact off as I fear of being hurt but I am already hurting. I have watched the song Hurt and Hello Darkness My Old Friend songs/videos on YouTube and those two songs are where my head is at and my heart in broken. I have started to actually feel my love for her has died. It feels hopeless. Is there any other parents in similar situation as my self constantly walking on egg shells?

Solo Parent of Adult Daughter

HelloGail — Sun, 18 Dec 2022 01:20:04 GMT

My daughter and I never get anywhere when we are trying to discuss our disagreements. It is always my fault.
In May 2022 she told me we need boundaries: she wants to talk on phone once a week and no texting. I am to write a list during the week of what I have done or want to share something so I can tell her then. I feel like these past many months that I am walking on egg shells. I had eye surgery 5 days ago and she left as I kept waking her up. I was sick from anaesthetic and partially blind during night and needed her to do the eye drops. She left 3 days ago, my eye has 12 stitches, they come out tomorrow. She deserted me in my time of need. I cared for her in February 2022 when I picked her up in Sydney to take her to the hospital to have all 4 wisdom removed and stayed 4 days helping her recuperate then I drove 2 hours back to my home. I feel boxed in with these boundaries. They follow a lot of positive thinking icons, attends their seminars. They seem to be into Mind Control. I just want them to be natural and normal like myself, friendly, amiable natured.

Re: Should I cut ties

jaz28 — Mon, 19 Dec 2022 09:02:12 GMT

Hi HelloGail,

I am sorry this has happened, it must be hard. Have you tried asking your daughter why she needs boundaries? Are you asking too much of her? Is she busy? Is there a way you can communicate together that satisfies both of your wants and needs from each other? It is nice for a child to help their parent, but unfortunately, it is not required. She is an adult and can make a choice whether she a)has time to help you and b) has the mental and physical capabilities to do so. Maybe she is struggling herself and does not want to take on too much? These are all things you need to talk about before jumping straight to cutting her off. I know you are hurt by her and want to hurt her back twice as hard, but that is not going to help your relationship at all. My advice would be to ask if she would be open to discussing why this has happened and reaching boundaries that are justifiable and healthy for both of you.

I hope you reach a solution,

Jaz xx

Re: Should I cut ties

Bob_22 — Tue, 20 Dec 2022 03:30:55 GMT

Hi HelloGail,

Thanks for sharing and I'm sorry for what you're going through at the moment. I can't agree with jaz28 enough in reaching out to her to ask her if she is okay or if there's anything going on for her that would make her want to cut ties with you. Regardless, you sound like you're in some pain and I would recommend taking care of yourself as much as you can. Especially after surgery.

I'm not a parent so I can't fully relate to how you're going but hopefully any parents on the forum will respond. However, I'm in a somewhat limited relationship with my father which I find is still healthy. I found that when he gave me some space that I required and let me make my own decisions my relationship with him actually improved. That is just my perspective though. Regardless, if you wanted to do any reading or talk to someone, https://www.parentline.org.au/ is a good website for parents and carers (although its mainly for parents with kids up to 18 but is still good). Hope that helps some.

Bob

Re: Should I cut ties

Christina6006 — Tue, 20 Dec 2022 07:41:05 GMT

Hi HelloGail,

I am sorry you are feeling so terrible right now. It's an awful feeling and is often really overwhelming.

It sounds like you are trying to make a decision on what to do from an emotional place which is never easy and can make our options different to what we would do had we been clear minded.

I just read a great book that has helped me with my mindset in the midst of depression and anxiety attacks. It is called Loving What Is by Byron Katie. It gives you exactly what to do when you are feeling down and I have found it so useful. I recommend it for sure. I hope you find relief soon and things improve for you.

Re: Solo Parent of Adult Daughter

Croix — Tue, 20 Dec 2022 12:49:16 GMT

Dear HelloGail~

I feel for you, as a parent I've not always got on as well as I would like with my offspring so can understand your feelings.

There are many reasons why a young person may wish to distance themselves from a parent, in fact it is sometimes just a part of becoming an independent person. Other times of course there are other factors.

In this case I'd have to say that failing to stay by you when you had eye surgery seems unkind and the reason, being woken up, trivial.

All that being said young people can be thoughtless, hasty, overreact or make mistakes and often think better of things later on. (Applies to older persons such as myself too of course:)

You have already had a fair amout of advice from others, wiht the general consensus of asking your daughter what is making her act this way. While I agree it is a very sensible thing to do it could also have downside if you fall into an argument, as you mention at the start of your post. So the conversation might have be be given some thought in advance so as not to be accusatory or over-demanding.

I don't understand your references here to "they" attending seminars, mind control and so on - is this what your daughter does?

You have talked of changing you phone and cutting you daughter out. Do you think this might be an overreaction to the hurt you are feeling, it does make a pretty definite statement and makes things harder to undo later. Perhaps doing nothing in that area might be best - what to you think?

I would think being a patient and stable example of how to live life may in time allow you daughter to see the real you and wish to return.

At least you have not a complete break, your daughter has left a channel open via a weekly call. If there was a possibility if it being an enjoyable call, maybe on other subjects than the realtionship, your daughter might start to look forward to them.

You know you are welcome here anytime to discuss matters

Croix (who really likes "The sounds of Silence", which has opportunities in it, not just gloom)

"I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence"

Re: Should I cut ties

Lenscap — Tue, 20 Dec 2022 13:04:35 GMT

Hi HelloGail,

It can be painful watching your daughter make difficult adult decisions that make it feel that you are not as close as during her childhood. Undoubtedly, she will continue to take her life in the direction she wants, and you may not always see eye to eye with her choices. It is only through her own experience that she will learn to manage the chaos and challenges of our modern world. I'm not convinced you are seeking to cut contact with her, rather it sounds like communication with her is very important for you and something you want to maintain, not lose.

It may be useful for you to reach out to Relationships Australia and chat about managing boundaries, expectations and ways to maintain enjoyable communication with your daughter https://relationships.org.au/.

Re: Should I cut ties

HelloGail — Wed, 21 Dec 2022 03:56:05 GMT

Thank you Jazz. Yes she has been very busy. She came back 4 days later. I was not with it after surgery so we never really spoke much. But when she came back I learned she done a 10 day straight shift and was very stressed. She took me to get my 12 eye stitches out and we are going away for Christmas. Thank you. I am in a better space now.

Re: Should I cut ties

HelloGail — Wed, 21 Dec 2022 04:00:59 GMT

Thanks for replying Bob. I actually rang Lifeline during this period last week and whilst speaking with them I realised I was actually concerned for her mental health as she is in a high pressured career. Our communication needs improving but I have an Appointment with Relationship Australia in January that I have paid for as it is worth the money as they counselled us in 2018 when we had some issues. Thank you Bob.

Re: Should I cut ties

HelloGail — Wed, 21 Dec 2022 04:06:15 GMT

I like the sound of the title and will jot it down, Loving What Is. My daughter and I reconciled. I have been resting since op on 12th Dec and had my stitches removed 19th so doc said to remove eye guard on 21st (tomorrow). I guess I fell into a depression losing briefly my independence. But looking forward to seeing Relationship Australia in January 2023. Thank you Christina6006.

Re: Should I cut ties

HelloGail — Wed, 21 Dec 2022 04:15:08 GMT

Hi 😀 Lenscap: Yes I have and paid my appointment for January 2022. I so want to free myself from this toggle of letting go. She has a partner of 5 years and I guess we had to grow apart. I was a solo parent, shared 50/50 custody but we enjoyed each others company, always cuddled on the lounge watching Tele but of course that waned naturally as she became a teenager. I am a warm and a affectionate person and it felt natural, when she went off to uni she begged me to move near there, a year later I did and suddenly she started changing, but she wasn't nice about it. I had only arrived in my unit less than 10 days. And so we had a session with Relationship Australia then 2017. She lived full time at the campus except at the end of year when they break for 2 months. She graduated 2019 and is going overseas to work for 3 years next June. I am looking forward to her going as it sounds so exciting for her. Thank you.

Re: Solo Parent of Adult Daughter

HelloGail — Thu, 22 Dec 2022 00:36:13 GMT

😍thank you for your reply. My daughter and her partner read only positive thinking books and seminars. I prefer being myself, naturale as I went through same in my early 20's too and it was too hard. Thank you again.

Re: Should I cut ties

Lenscap — Thu, 22 Dec 2022 03:04:35 GMT

It sounds like she was very lucky to have your support growing up. It is not unreasonable for your bird to leave the nest and hopefully seeing her fly solo will feel like a reward for your hard work. Their twenties can be a formative time where people try out different living situations as they start to set themselves up in the world. It can be a difficult and emotionally demanding time. I suspect she will be searching for a confidence that she is ready to approach that next step. This doesn't mean she won't need/want you in her life anymore and the change in her living situation will necessitate a change in your communication. It will be a new and exciting challenge for you both.

Re: Should I cut ties

HelloGail — Thu, 22 Dec 2022 07:35:22 GMT

I just wish to sadly share that my daughter and her partner left today. We three were planned to spend 4 nights over Christmas in a Airbnb in the northern beaches. If it wasn't for my eye operation on the 12 December, everything would have been honky dory. She came back on Monday while I had my 12 eye stitches removed. My surgeon said to wear the eye guard for another 2 days as the graft had pulled away (probably due to the stress and tests of last Thursday 15th when she flew the handle because I woke her at 7:30am and so she left returning to Albury. Tues & Wed they spent the whole day out until 6pm. I needed her to drive to shops so I could buy a hat for our trip over Christmas it was a brief trip. I had 3 fresh Salmon to cook for dinner but they said that just the two of them, want to go to a restaurant for dinner. I bought the salmon while we were out. She said put the 2 in the freezer. I lost it. I said do you just have me in your boundaries box and just want to pull me out on Christmas Day. Of course I reacted. It was all my fault and so she left. Apologies to readers and replies but the writings on the wall, she doesn't want to spend time with me, she wants to be with her partner 24/7. They live together, 5 years now. So, I am alone again. I will not see her again as she is moving to UK in June and doing nursing in NT to save for the money. I am on a disability pension as I have an acute anxiety disorder and poor. She is 25 years old, I am 62.

Re: Should I cut ties

Croix — Mon, 26 Dec 2022 12:53:47 GMT

Dear HelloGail~

I guess themost important thing to ask you at hte moment is how is your eye? You did mention that a graft was not 100% so I'm hoping everything is now fine wiht it.

I'm sorry to hear the relationship wiht your daughter -and her partner - is so rocky. For some reason Christmas does seem to bring these things out even more. I'd expect it was a very lonely day for you.

Apart from your daughter is there other family you have contact with, or failing that any friends?

It would be very esy to dwell on this break, to regard it as permanent, and feel no only are you not valued but are at a stage in your life where things may seem purposeless.

It is certainly a blow to one's feelings of value and self esteem, and I believe that now is a good time to try to reinforce your feelings of what you want and what you need. I can't really make intelligent suggestions as I don't know you circumstances. Do you have pet or able and want to get one?

Beyond that whatever seems sensible and attractive, from exercise to reading, joining a choir to a charity.

Admittedly these things might seem daunting and hard ot start, but it can make a huge difference. If you have a favorite activity reward yourself wiht a little of it at the end of each day, something to look forward to.

Please let us know how you get on

Croix

Re: Should I cut ties

geoff — Mon, 26 Dec 2022 22:35:59 GMT

HelloGail, if you change your phone number then there could be a time when you do want to ring her or text her, then she will know your number, so I don't think that will achieve much at the moment.

Your daughter is only thinking of herself and as harmful this can be, it's her that has to change, not you.

At the moment you can't hypothesise whether or not you are going to invited to her wedding and thinking about it is only going to worsen how you feel, which is not good for you.

One way to attract her attention is for you to try and gain some strength, then perhaps she can look up to you, because sometimes this doesn't happen in reverse.

Geoff.

Life Member.

Re: Should I cut ties

Bob_22 — Tue, 27 Dec 2022 01:34:29 GMT

Hi HelloGail,

Thank you for the update and I'm so sorry to hear of this development. I hope your eye has been okay after wearing the guard. Similar to what Croix mentioned, Xmas is a very stressful time and can bring out alot of tension in families. I hope after a few weeks you and your daughter can have a productive conversation about the boundaries and her leaving to the UK. I'm 30 years old now and I know 5 years ago I wanted nothing to do with my father. However five years on I am in a different place and have learned to appreciate him alot more.

I hope that helps. 💙

Bob

Re: Should I cut ties

HelloGail — Wed, 28 Dec 2022 04:07:35 GMT

Thank you Bob for your support.