topic Hello in Relationship and family issues

Hello

24yearoldgirl — Tue, 14 Jun 2022 06:59:40 GMT

Hi all, I've been here before, but don't post very often.

Same story; I've been a carer from a young age due to my mum's head injury..

I'm re-enrolled to study in July, very soon, I'm close to booking flights and sorting out accommodation for myself. I'd be moving town to study and work and leaving my mum behind on a single payment (dsp).

No-one seems to care much, not even my aunty, about the fact that if I leave, my mum will be homeless. We have always shared rent and expenses together, I'm now going on 26 years old. There is minimal housing available, she's not interested in share-houses and the cost of tent site is up to $50 a day.

I wonder what my life would have looked like, if not having been a carer, or what it will continue to be if I don't pack and leave this situation. I am genuinely concerned about how my mother will cope on her own, with an acquired brain injury. She's not physically disabled, but she does have many health problems, and she is incapable of working due to her health.

What do you think, honest opinions appreciated

Hello

Sophie_M — Tue, 14 Jun 2022 10:30:46 GMT

Dear 24yearoldgirl

Thank you for showing such courage in posting and sharing your experience. We are really sorry to hear that you are having these feelings at the moment and that you are worried about finding the right supports for your Mum. It sounds like you care very much for your Mum and it’s understandable why you hold so many concerns about moving forward. On the other hand, you are deserving to live life to the full and be able to thrive also.

You might like to check out the following resources which has some information on what other supports are out there in terms of alternative care options for you Mum

Brain Injury Australia

In addition to posting in the forums, we also invite you to call or chat to one of our trained mental health professionals who will also be able to listen and offer care; it’s completely confidential and available 24/7:

To call us, contact 1300 22 4636
To use webchat, Click Here

Thank you again for joining this community, we hope that you can join other conversations that resonate with you and read about other users and their journey to better mental health.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Hello

geoff — Tue, 14 Jun 2022 17:11:36 GMT

Hello 24yearoldgirl, a difficult and unfortunate situation as I've sustained a brain injury from an assault and live by myself with a carer who lives a couple of streets away from me.

Your mum can be enrolled with NDIS, then there will be benefits and assistance to help her in many aspects, so if you can have a look at this site may be able to help you/your mum in many ways.

It's difficult to say what your life would have been like but possibly you might have already received your qualification but one option could be that she may be admitted to a one bedroom unit that is attached to a nursing home, where she can look after herself, cook meals that is if she is capable of doing this.

Ask me any question you like.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Hello

24yearoldgirl — Wed, 15 Jun 2022 08:44:45 GMT

Thank you Sophie M & Geoff for your replies..

It is very stressful sorting my own accommodation out, but then having to worry about what my mum is going to do. I think I will be leaving to study, as I paid a discounted price, and it will be a new experience for me.

It's very sad that my mum would have to resort to sleeping in the car, as there's no housing etc. as I mentioned she's not interested in a sharehouse either 😕

Feel like I need therapy, it seems as though she'd want me to stay forever because it's easy that way, both our needs are met. But I'm not experiencing an independent life as a young adult, like I should be.

I'll try phoning the beyond blue line, and maybe carer's line too..

Kind regards, Jade

Hello

geoff — Wed, 15 Jun 2022 19:55:39 GMT

Hello Jade, can I ask if NDIS have been contacted because there are many benefits which could help your mum.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Hello

24yearoldgirl — Wed, 15 Jun 2022 22:49:06 GMT

Morning.. unfortunately not.

My mum has been following the brain injury website that Sophie mentioned. However, my support worker met up with mum last year, and tried to get her onto NDIS, she wasn't interested in housing or any kind of help. It seems she wants me around to help pay the bills etc.

Also, my mum drinks wine every night, she's not physically disabled, and is able to cook and drive etc.

Although, in her defence, she definitely has a permanent brain injury, and is on cancer-meds for nausea, she's had many strokes in the past, and neuralgia..

She complains of having to get anti-depressants if I leave her 😕

Hello

24yearoldgirl — Fri, 17 Jun 2022 06:08:25 GMT

I am stressed! I feel selfish for leaving. Trying to book a flight, at the same time knowing mum will be sleeping in the car or a tent, if she can afford a tent site.

It's like I'm waiting for a guardian angel to drop out of the sky and tell me that it's okay to leave. :'(

Hello

WaterFront — Sat, 18 Jun 2022 14:26:43 GMT

Hi 24yearoldgirl,

I would not want my children (both around your age) to give up living their lives to look after me.

You need to do whatever you can to get her settled of course, and draw on as much support and as many resources as you can so that you know she is being taken care of, or able to take care of herself with help. That's my perspective if that helps.

My heart goes out to you for having to deal with such a difficult situation that requires such hard decisions. I hope you can find a way to do what's best for you and your mother.

Best wishes.

Hello

geoff — Sat, 18 Jun 2022 15:48:21 GMT

Hello Jade, I am terribly sorry for what your mother is going through and trying to cope with, however, she doesn't need to sleep in the car or a tent because NDIS are there for people in your mum's condition, so it's not fair to want you stay with her when she can get help from other sources.

It's not fair to deny you a chance to improve your own skills by studying, this doesn't mean you won't be in contact with your mum, you can do this at any time of the day/night, especially if she can drive as well as cook, a parent needs to release their children for their own benefit.

I could name many reasons for my son to live with me, but why, he has his own life to live and I can function adequately by myself and I'm not going to restrict what he wants to do, so you shouldn't feel guilty catching a plane, you have a new life waiting for you.

Geoff.

Hello

24yearoldgirl — Mon, 20 Jun 2022 09:12:15 GMT

Hi Geoff & WaterFront..

I have booked my flight leaving next week! I'll let you know if I take it 😕 For my own sake, hopefully I will.

My mum's opinion is that there is no help for her. It concerns me that she'll want me to stay with her, to be able to afford rent, bills and groceries. I'm going on 26 next week, so hopefully that gives me the motivation to leave.

I guess I'll only know if it's the right thing, after actually leaving.

Keep you updated, hope everyone is well with whatever they're going through 🙂

Hello

geoff — Mon, 20 Jun 2022 20:42:06 GMT

Hello 24yearoldgirl, I hope you are able to take that flight, and I mean no harm in saying this and feel very sorry for your mum, but there is help for her, and at some stage she needs to let her daughter get on with her own life, especially when she can cook, drive and pay the bills.

I'm sorry but she needs to let you go and establish your own life, I keep telling my son who is my carer that he must get on with his own life, if I need him I'll text him as he has his own girlfriend and your mum can get 'buzzer' around her neck that will notify somebody if she needs immediate help.

I certainly can't deny him this opportunity, as I too can cook and pay bills.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Hello

24yearoldgirl — Mon, 27 Jun 2022 00:59:37 GMT

I’m not sure if I’m making the right choice, I’ve not had any personal support as a carer for years, so I’m probably a little messed up.

Flight is booked for tomorrow, ready to pack just unsure of what the right thing is to do

I’m confused, this is such a big change to make. I’ll be studying and working, mum would be homeless and worse off financially.

My Aunty wants me to leave, mum wants me to stay, and I’m standing in the middle at a crossroads, feeling not so great.

Hello

WaterFront — Wed, 29 Jun 2022 07:01:18 GMT

Hi 24yearoldgirl,

I know it's hard and I also know (from what you have had to carry) that you are strong. It sounds like there is help there for your Mum if she is willing and able to accept it. It's a tough decision to make and so much uncertainty around how things will be and also feeling not great about leaving. I feel sure it will work itself out, these things tend to do that in my experience. Your Aunt is closer to the situation and she is saying to go.

If you want to, let us know how it goes. I wish you the best.

Hello

24yearoldgirl — Wed, 29 Jun 2022 10:05:11 GMT

Hi all..

I did pack last minute, and I took the flight.. gave mum a big hug and told her I love her! A little teary eyed but got on the plane anyways.. My aunty picked me up at Brisbane, stayed with her, so it's great to have the extra support of family nearby. Nice seeing her after many years!

It seems everything is sorted out for me, as my Aunty gave me lots of boxes of things and blankets etc.

It is hard to move on from my mum. On the plus side - looking forward to my study.

Hello

WaterFront — Wed, 29 Jun 2022 11:05:56 GMT

I'm so glad it is working out. You can always talk to your mum via phone, text, email etc. Good luck with your studies. Enjoy!

Hello

geoff — Wed, 29 Jun 2022 15:32:45 GMT

Hello 24yearoldgirl, I'm pleased you have carried this through, now it's time to look after yourself.

Geoff.

Re: Hello

24yearoldgirl — Sat, 23 Jul 2022 07:16:43 GMT

Hi everyone..

I have started studying and have also found work in a cafe, which I like very much.

I'm happy that I left because I got to see my Aunty after so many years!

I'm still worried about my mum though, because our lease ended and she has now been sleeping in the car for 3 nights, and having "freezing cold showers" in the public bathrooms.

NDIS is now called Mission Australia, and they do not offer support for people with acquired brain injury, like my mum has. There is no current housing available, and the women's centre simply said to my mum that "they cannot help her." Not even any food vouchers etc.

So it seems that I've always had to try and make a choice; I decided to leave.. Now I am considering flying back to be a carer again so that mum can have a rental to live in. She's also going in for surgery next month.

I am struggling with trying to please everyone - my aunty wants me to stay and be independent, my mum is homeless because I left, and now I'm struggling to decide what to do again.

Re: Hello

WaterFront — Sun, 24 Jul 2022 00:34:04 GMT

Hi 24yearoldgirl,

I wish I had some practical advice to give you! I think it might be a good idea to talk to the counsellors at BB as they might be able to direct you to organisations or services that will be able to offer some support/housing for your mother. Worth a try. Hopefully, others with more knowledge and experience will be along shortly.

I just wanted to let you know you are supported here and that I can see that you are a kind, caring and strong person who is trying to do their best for themselves and others in very difficult circumstances. Being pulled in many directions and trying to work out what to do for the best.

One thought that does occur to me is if it would be possible to move your mother to where you are, or even if that is something you would want to consider. Otherwise, it's a question of setting up as much support as you can.

You've come so far and you do need to make a life for yourself. What that looks like is something only you can decide.

My thoughts are with you and I really hope you come back and let us know how it all goes. (If you want to).

Hugs

Re: Hello

24yearoldgirl — Sun, 24 Jul 2022 08:10:13 GMT

Thank you for your kind words WF 🙂

It's a great idea, but unfortunately my mum has to stay where she is, because she's booked in for surgery..

I'll think about what to do 😕

Take care everyone!