topic Re: Ending a relationship? in Relationship and family issues

Ending a relationship?

daisyqueen — Wed, 16 Nov 2022 10:36:18 GMT

How do I know when to end a relationship?

I know by asking that question it’s probably a good indication but I’m just so confused.
I’ve been with my partner for 3 years.. and there have always been issues with us. These are with his family getting involved, us hurting each other, him lying to me, not listening to either one, him not being honest about finances.
Lately things have just reached a boiling point.
I’m scared to be alone. I’m scared to end it and make a mistake, I’m scared to not have his support financially.
I know that sounds wrong but it’s just how I feel.

Re: Ending a relationship?

livi_mivi — Thu, 17 Nov 2022 02:10:42 GMT

Hey Daisyqueen,

Thank you for opening up and being vulnerable. This sounds like a tough situation to be in and I guess everybody has their own ideas of what warrants a break-up. It might be beneficial to think about what are you wants and needs from your partner and are they being met? Have you addressed any difficulties and issues with him and has he made any attempt to try and improve on them?

I think that any relationship, romantic or not, should add to your life. If you feel that conflict and hurt is taking away from your relationship or weighing heavily on you, it could be time to reassess if this relationship is serving you anymore. Above all, I think exploring these fears that you have around leaving the relationship could also too be beneficial. These are valid and important feelings so it's important to address them. Is it better to settle for someone that doesn't make you happy than to be alone? Do you already feel alone in your relationship? These are pretty loaded questions so it could be worthwhile to reach out to a mental health professional/counsellor on helplines or through a mental health care plan from your GP.

Ultimately, you shouldn't and don't have to settle for anyone that doesn't make you feel seen, loved, heard and respected. I truly wish you all the best during this uncertain time. I hope whatever decision you reach brings you happiness in the long-run.

Re: Ending a relationship?

quirkywords — Thu, 17 Nov 2022 09:31:00 GMT

Daisyqueen,

livi-mivi has given you a supportive reply.

i wonder about if my relationship has a future. I know it is hard as sometimes things go well and then other times it is so controlling and upsetting.

Would your partner consider counselling. Relationships Australia has a informative website

https://relationships.org.au/contact/

There was a book I read years ago called too good to leave too bad to stay. It had lots of interesting questions to ask.m

I find S I am a senior thst making a change is scary and maybe coping with what I have is ok. Then after an outburst where I am called names and told what to eat, what I a can do etc and the factcan never be right, I wonder can I cope with this without it affectin* my mental health.
i am happy to keep on discussing your concerns. It is hard .

Re: Ending a relationship?

daisyqueen — Sun, 20 Nov 2022 20:16:56 GMT

Hi livi_mivi.
I’ve tried to talk to him about what needs to be worked on but he’s very difficult to speak to or get any response from. It’s very frustrating. He says he doesn’t know how to talk to me anymore after all the arguments we have had. We were/are (?) saving for a house deposit and he says to me ‘my money is yours’ and then turns around and says it should be equal. I’ve struggled a lot financially the past two years as I have had surgery, and issues with employment. It’s confusing and I get whiplash.
I do feel like I’m settling. I feel alone emotionally, and as though I’m not connected to him anymore.
We have discussed counselling but I don’t know if it’s worth it. I feel like there is too much muddy water under the bridge, so to speak. His inability to communicate is another issue and he’s very closed off.
I’m at a loss to know what to do.

Re: Ending a relationship?

daisyqueen — Sun, 20 Nov 2022 20:19:32 GMT

Hi quirkywords,

I empathise for your situation as well. It’s very frustrating and confusing.
It sounds as though your relationship is very difficult in terms of being controlled by your partner. That’s a very tough situation. I hope you can find your way through it.
I know that it can feel like you are very alone and you’re not being heard.

Re: Ending a relationship?

Jaco8n — Sun, 20 Nov 2022 22:59:40 GMT

daisyqueen,

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. I have been there, I was stuck in a similar pattern for four years. I tried to make it work with couples therapy, holidays - even pets! I kept thinking maybe things will get better. But they never did. But one thing struck me as a massive validation of my feelings - and that was the immense relief I felt after leaving. Sure, I was sad, lonely and grieving for a time. But these are natural reactions are only temporary.

My advice; picture the best version of yourself. Is your partner there with you? Are they adding to that picture or taking from it? You shouldn't be adding more than what you're receiving in a relationship. If you've tried to remedy things will little or no reciprocity, you can't carry the weight of a partnership by yourself. If so, have courage in yourself to carve your own path in life - your future self (and possibly your true love) will thank you.

I wish the very best for you, may you find peace in your journey.

Re: Ending a relationship?

JED1980 — Mon, 21 Nov 2022 03:39:22 GMT

Hey

I think you kinda already know the answer... and whilst its going to be hard, you need to do what is right for you.

I was the same. I was scared to be alone. But after being in what was an abusive and loveless marriage i made the decision to leave. Hard? Yep. Scared? Yep. But..

Here i am!! I learnt that being alone is in a way freeing... and you get used to it.

You can do this. You are stronger than you know.

Thinking of you J x

Re: Ending a relationship?

jaz28 — Mon, 21 Nov 2022 07:26:26 GMT

Hi daisyqueen,

I am sorry you have been feeling this way, it must be really hard for you. It might be worth having an honest conversation about these issues before resorting to breaking up. Yes, not all relationships last, but every relationship takes work and sometimes sticking by someone in the hard times is required. However, if you have spoken already to him and you still have the same problems, it might be better to move on. Your partner should lift you up, nor drag you down. It is important to tell him why you are ending things, and do it in a nice way if possible. There's no easy way to break someone's heart, unfortunately...break-ups suck...

I hope you're okay,

Jaz xx

Re: Ending a relationship?

livi_mivi — Mon, 21 Nov 2022 08:01:04 GMT

Hey daisyqueen,

Thanks for your reply. I can imagine that would be incredibly frustrating for you to have to deal with. As much as broken and strained communication can be improved, it very much requires effort, care and time. This is something that both people need to commit to in order to see any changes. From what you have said, it sounds as though this might be something that he might not be willing to accept or do?

From a financial aspect, I can imagine it would be very confusing with all of the contradictions. Does he seem to have empathy for your situation and are these kind of conversations around it being equal arise during or after conflict?

Do you think it might be helpful to share with him that that the way you are feeling right now is making you seriously reconsider your future together? This "limbo" state sounds like it is very exhausting and taxing on you and this conversation, as hard as it may be, could be the start of trying to give you the closure that you truly deserve.

Re: Ending a relationship?

daisyqueen — Mon, 21 Nov 2022 10:35:19 GMT

Hi Jaco8n.
My feelings are all over the place. I focus on the ‘still good’ parts and then wonder about the bad. I don’t know what direction to go in. I feel lost. I feel like even the smallest of things is getting on my nerves and I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Thank you for your response.

Re: Ending a relationship?

daisyqueen — Mon, 21 Nov 2022 10:36:20 GMT

Hi JED1980,

Thank you for your reply.

I really don’t know if I’m making the right decision. I feel like I’m not trying hard enough.
I feel very lost.

Re: Ending a relationship?

daisyqueen — Mon, 21 Nov 2022 10:39:04 GMT

Hi Jaz,

Thank you for your message.

It’s been the same conversation/argument for nearly three years. I can’t remember how we were at the beginning.
I feel like he’s being dishonest with me about the financial situation and even though he knows I’ve struggled with my health and my work, he says ‘these things should be equal’ and then in the same breath ‘why did you leave your last job’ like it’s my fault. He knows the ins and outs as to why I left… he was there and he saw how much mental pressure and stress it caused.

I’m scared of losing him, scared of being alone, scared of the financial repercussions and scared of making a mistake.

Re: Ending a relationship?

daisyqueen — Mon, 21 Nov 2022 10:43:38 GMT

We’ve tried to communicate. He says he isn’t comfortable talking to me and I don’t want to talk to him because I feel as though it all just goes straight back to his family who put their foot in it and make it ten times more difficult. They have treated me badly and I don’t want anything to do with them - and he on the other hand says ‘I don’t see what they did wrong’.

I left my last job due to sexual harassment, and being treated badly by new owners that took over. Not to mention I had been in that industry for five years and I had disliked it from day one.
He says ‘my money is your money, do what you want with it, take what you need’ and then turns around and says things should be equal in terms of saving for a house deposit.
It’s taken me a while to find a stable job.
I feel like this is him using an excuse to get out of buying a house with me because he doesn’t want to. He didn’t even want to rent a house with me in the beginning saying ‘it’s a waste of money when we can be saving to buy’ but our living circumstances forced us to rent.
I just feel like there is so much resentment and I don’t know if that’s something one can come back from.

Re: Ending a relationship?

JED1980 — Tue, 22 Nov 2022 05:12:04 GMT

Hey Daisyqueen

Im sure you are trying and doing all the right things. These decisions are some if the hardest to make.

I guess you need to ask yourself if this relationship is really what you want. Does it make you happy? Does he make you happy?

At the end of the day, you have to do what you think is right for you.

It may be hard at first, but i believe you have the strength to get it through it if you do choose to leave.

I hope you are ok

Re: Ending a relationship?

BugsBunny21 — Tue, 22 Nov 2022 11:25:31 GMT

It’s great you are able to talk about it. A good question to consider is, do you want to continue dealing with these issues for the next 10, 20 years or longer? If you are really wanting to make it work, then perhaps see a psychologist together. Alternatively, you can see a psychologist on your own and perhaps after a couple of sessions you’ll have your answer and be happy with it? I can see this wouldn’t be easy for the reasons you’ve mentioned but you are capable of more than what you think.

Re: Ending a relationship?

jaz28 — Wed, 23 Nov 2022 06:00:00 GMT

daisyqueen,

I understand that must be exhausting. You are the only one who can decide. Yes it will be hard and you will feel alone and lost for a while - so make sure you really want to break up before doing so. If you're not sure - maybe a week's break from each other might help you decide?

Jaz.