topic Re: Only child is gay in Relationship and family issues

Only child is gay

Emma_4376 — Mon, 24 Oct 2022 05:35:23 GMT

Hello, I am the single parent of an only child (aged 19) who is gay. I can't find any support while I'm adjusting to this news and no options come up when I google. Is anyone else in the same situation? Thank you.

Hi Emma, Thank you for sharing what's going on for you a...

Sophie_M — Mon, 24 Oct 2022 18:33:21 GMT

Hi Emma,

Thank you for sharing what's going on for you and your son. We can hear you're trying to adjust to your son's news and you're not sure how to get some support through this. We wanted to pop in and let you know that the Beyond Blue Support Service is here for you, if you'd like to talk this through at any moment with our counsellors. You can reach us on 1300 22 4636, or online here. The team are really kind, understanding and not judgmental, and calls are confidential.

It’s not uncommon for parents and family members to experience a range of confusing emotions (some of which may be negative) when their child or loved one comes out. It’s OK for you to take some time to process your feelings. While having a range of emotions might make this a difficult time for you, remember that coming out is a really hard journey for your child or loved one too. Remember that your child or loved one is the same person they were before they told you, and they need to know you can see that. While it might take some time for your emotions to settle, it’s important that you remain close and supportive, so your child or loved one is reassured that your love for them has not changed.

Beyond Blue does have a "Families like mine" guide that you can check out here. It offers practical advice to families of LGBTQI+ young people.

We would also like to recommend contacting QLife. They’re a free and anonymous service run by LGBTIQ+ peers for those wanting to talk about a range of issues, helping LGBTIQ+ individuals and those that support them including family and friends. They operate between 3pm and midnight each day and can be called on 1800 184 527 or chat via QLife Online Chat.

Thank you for sharing this and giving this community a chance to offer you their understanding and advice.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Re: Only child is gay

ecomama — Mon, 24 Oct 2022 10:02:36 GMT

Hi Emma, warm welcome to the forums.

Would you like to expand upon your feelings about this news?

You are welcome to share more, so others can understand things from your perspective more readily, if you want to.

I have children who are gay, but I'm not sure that I'm "in the same situation" as you though.
Regardless of this, we are all here to support you with love, kindness and acceptance.

Until we learn more from you, the only suggestions I have atm is to lean into this.

Oh I just googled for you lol.
Up came "family alliance" and "rainbow families" websites. Perhaps they can help?

Love EM

Re: Only child is gay

smallwolf — Mon, 24 Oct 2022 10:32:01 GMT

Hello. Guess you were a little surprised when you found out?

Nor sure exactly what sort of support you are looking for exactly. What sort of the information are you looking for?

Re: Only child is gay

white knight — Mon, 24 Oct 2022 11:08:16 GMT

Hi, welcome

Adjustment for anything not expected in family or friends can be difficult, it's the unexpected I think.

Like the others I'd like to know more about why you feel the way you do.

Thankyou for your time

TonyWK

Re: Only child is gay

geoff — Mon, 24 Oct 2022 13:37:55 GMT

Hello Emma, we have children and hope they take either plan A or plan B but if they decide to take another way forward, as long as it's in the realms of being honest, then we need to support them, because we can't detail what they should be doing, it's their life and although it may be unexpective, then it's up to us to honour their decision.

If you can type this in your browser 'raisingchildren.net.au>LGBTIQ-families' then you may achieve what you are looking for.

Geoff.

Life Member.

Re: Only child is gay

Learn to Fly — Tue, 25 Oct 2022 03:00:26 GMT

Hi Emma,

Thank you for reaching out and welcome to our forums.
It seems like this news has taken you by surprise, and you might have not seen this coming, am I right here? What are your main worries about this situation?

My apologies if I am wrong, just trying to understand your feelings. As others said, please feel free to share a bit more so we could try to help. Everyone here is friendly, welcoming, and non-judgemental so hopefully, this will encourage you to share a bit more.

All good, if you don't feel like sharing, though. In this case, my suggestion for you would be to give yourself time to adjust, especially if you weren't expecting this. If possible talk to your child, hopefully openly, and tell them about your feelings. Not to change their mind, criticise them, or anything negative - nothing like that. Just to simply admit, that you need more time to understand them and their situation as well as their feelings and come to terms with this. Assure your child about your love and willingness to understand and support them. Hopefully, this will be two-way traffic, and your child will repay you with the same love, kindness and support.

Re: Only child is gay

Emma_4376 — Tue, 25 Oct 2022 03:45:04 GMT

Hi everyone, thanks so much for your words. What I'm struggling with is that he is my only child. When my son was about 5 my husband told me that he had changed his mind and that we would not be having another. I am grieving the loss of how I thought my family life would look, not necessarily the fact that he is gay. Everyone else seems to be able to cope and accept because they have other children and (surely!) one of them will have children of their own and their family will continue to grow. I love him, and I do accept him. But does anyone else have an only child?

Re: Only child is gay

Learn to Fly — Tue, 25 Oct 2022 04:10:02 GMT

Thank you for your quick response, Emma,

This might not be the answer you are looking for but maybe it will ease some of your concerns.

I'm straight but at the age of 19 or even 29, having children was the last thing on my mind. I was curious about life and everything that goes with it. I was in a steady relationship but we just chose to do other things. We do have kids now but only got them closer to our forties.

I understand what you are saying that he is your only child and you are worried about the fact of how or if your family will grow further with him being gay. But, he is still relatively young, life is still in front of him. And later on, once he finds the partner he wants to spend the rest of his life with, they might decide to have kids. It might not be so straight forward but it is more than possible.

Re: Only child is gay

white knight — Wed, 26 Oct 2022 07:56:45 GMT

Hi again Emma,

I respectfully disagree with you on some matters, it's ok, it's good and healthy to see others views so it can help.

If my daughter told me she was gay it would not worry/upset me in the least. I take that view because all my life I have chosen which path I wanted and now it's her life to take the fork in the road that she wants. I love her unconditionally whatever she want to be in her life except of course if she changed and became a tyrant of evil ways and hurt others.

Some mums even go shopping with their gay son in the womens section!! These mums often become their sons best friend, someone they can confide in on any matter.

On the other end there is parents that never forgive their child for choosing a gay way of life. But I would suggest that the only difference to a parent as to their child being gay is that they choose to LOVE another human being but for what ever reason feels more attraction to the same sex.

Your son needs you desperately, for support, for allowing him not to feel guilty about his choice.

Finally, I was in the Air Force in the mid 1970's, them days we were all against anyone gay and made their life hell. I now know through having bipolar and depression what feeling alienated feels like, it's terrible. Your son will have some opposition to his choices so he needs his mum to endorse his choice.

If and when he find a partner, you will have the same opportunity to love and care for your sons greatest love. I reckon you'll end up loving him also because no matter your difficulty in accepting this, you will always be your sons mum and he'd love you more by letting him be who he wants himself to be.

TonyWK

Re: Only child is gay

Emma_4376 — Wed, 26 Oct 2022 23:40:33 GMT

Thanks Tony, I appreciate your thoughts. I guess I'm struggling with expectation and like most people, things happen in life that force us to change our perception. We have a brilliant relationship - there is no doubt of our love for each other and he knows I love and support him as he navigates early adulthood. Having read everyone's comments over the last few days, I've come to the conclusion that my sadness is because I only had one child. I just don't know anyone else - there is no forum or therapy for parents of only children who mourn the loss of a family that never eventuated.

Thank you all, and Beyond Blue, for your contributions. Em x

Re: Only child is gay

white knight — Fri, 28 Oct 2022 00:53:43 GMT

I'm so happy to hear you are close to your son.

I do understand however I think you might be looking at this in the negative view with great respect. See, my wife never had children but now has a wonderful relationship with my 33yo daughter. I have two daughters but I have zero relationship with my youngest so really I only have one child. This is common not rare. You've mentioned a few times that having only one child as if that places you in a disadvantage uniquely, but I dont think that is relevant at all and I'm concerned that this belief that it's the pivotal reason for your problems is just not in the balance of things.

The core of my reply here is that having one child should be totally fulfilling in terms of how lucky you are not that only having one child causes such sadness. For that reason I suggest softly that you consider a visit to your GP to discuss this and take on any recommendations. This reply isnt easy to make because the last thing I want is to upset you in my endeavour to help.

You said you are close to your son which is great, any unfulfilled vacuum left in your life may need professional consultations. The following post might help. I hope you are ok.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/who-cries-over-spilt-milk/td-p/43088

TonyWK

Re: Only child is gay

Emma_4376 — Fri, 28 Oct 2022 06:00:00 GMT

Thanks Tony, food for thought

Hey Em, We just wanted to pop in and thank you for star...

Sophie_M — Wed, 02 Nov 2022 05:01:41 GMT

Hey Em,

We just wanted to pop in and thank you for starting such an important conversation. All the feelings you experience while adjusting to this change are completely valid, and we’re so grateful you could share your story here.

We also wanted to second ecomama’s and Geoff’s wonderful suggestions of websites that might be helpful:
The Strong Family Alliance’s LGBQ Parent Guide
Raising Children’s services, resources and links for LGBTIQ+ families

We know you’re feeling alone in being a parent of an only child. We’re sorry to hear that. We think what you’ve shared here is really powerful. You never know who is reading this and feeling less alone in their own journey.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Re: Only child is gay

OdliDPrincess — Wed, 02 Nov 2022 09:09:01 GMT

Hi Emma.
Thanks for posting! For my friend the school counsellor was an immensely helpful resource when she came out in year 10 - Is your son willing to have a chat to the school counsellor? Another option for both you and your son is QLife who have qualified counsellors online and the phones for free until midnight each night.

Re: Only child is gay

Juliet_84 — Wed, 02 Nov 2022 11:30:15 GMT

Hi Emma_4376,

Thank you for expanding on how you’re feeling, it seems this has brought up a lot of old unresolved issues related to your desire to have more children and thus perhaps assure grandchildren and the continuation of your family. One thing I will say is that nothing is guaranteed in this life, my parents had both myself and my older sister - both of us are straight but neither of us have decided to have children. And so I’m sure my parents are also struggling with a similar feeling as well. Grieve the loss you thought you would have but be careful that your child doesn’t see this as a condemnation of their choice of partner as I imagine it’s extremely difficult for them dealing with their feelings and so they may be incredibly sensitive to any perceived judgement or negativity. I should also say that my gay friends have had children via surrogacy so that door isn’t entirely closed either. It just may not happen the traditional way you expected but there’s no reason you can’t have a full family

Re: Only child is gay

Totally-Lost — Sat, 31 Dec 2022 02:49:53 GMT

Hi Emma

i know how you feel, my only daughter has come out saying she is gay. I love her dearly, but this news has floored me and the dreams I had imagined. It’s not that I don’t love her, I just didn’t see this coming. I cry daily and will be dealing help in the new year. I do have a younger son who doesn’t know about his sister yet coming out.