topic Re: How do you get past a long term affair betrayal? in Relationship and family issues

How do you get past a long term affair betrayal?

Kelly_T — Thu, 13 Oct 2022 01:47:58 GMT

This week I found out that my husband ( 9 years married, 14 years together) has been in a relationship for the past three years. They would meet at his hotel initially and since then, they would regularly speak on the phone or via text in French, she was saved in his phone under a man's name. He tells me that, in general, the relationship for the past 2 of 3 years was really just banter and not sexual, he was texting her while we were away for my 40th birthday, she called him when his father died, their relationship was intertwined with our most personal moments. During that time, I would dream about their relationship almost every week and tell him about it, I also found receipts for private flights over the harbour (how romantic) he got mad at me, I now realise he got mad at me and made me feel like a paranoid woman numerous times, when most of those times what I was asking him about was directly related to his infidelity. I feel so overwhelmed with sadness and anger I can't even explain how my body hurts, I have been on the couch for 3 days and nothing matters to me anymore. I feel dead inside and like everything I believed in was nothing. I always believed we were through everything so connected in our hearts and I can't understand how he could betray me for so long, who is he? It's like everything I thought I knew was wrong. I feel like I'm having a breakdown, my head is empty, I just sit and stare at things and then cry and then repeat and wish I could be drugged or put in a coma so I don't have to process this consuming sadness.

I need to hear from people who have been here, I love him and he is also devastated about his mistakes. We are going to counselling today for the first time and I expect I will just cry. I just wish it could be erased and he could be back as he once was.

How do you get past this? I fear I'm going to be broken after this, I'm afraid I won't be me again.

Re: How do you get past a long term affair betrayal?

ecomama — Thu, 13 Oct 2022 07:21:07 GMT

Hi Kelly_T, welcome to the forums. I'm saddened to see why you've joined. It's horrible.

I know this feeling of betrayal all too well. But it's also WAY in my past now. Thank God.
I refused to stay. I saw no way of moving forward at all and I'm far happier now. No torment any more.

For now, you have decided to stay in the marriage.
How did Counselling go today?

I'm super grateful that at the time last ex nutter was banging on about making things work, I found another forum called love shack which had an Infidelity forum. It literally saved my life.
I was in deep despair for months.
Almost immediately after this forum, I found Chump Lady dot com which helped FREE me of the perverse thinking that I was to blame.
She explained the numerous things that all cheaters do. H won't be excluded!
Please visit this site, it will help you so much to see the ridiculous side of his "mistakes".
None of these purposeful actions are mistakes.

My one GOAL in "marriage" counselling was CLARITY. I didn't get it at all during these sessions, please be on guard if you feel far worse after them.
Seeking a Counsellor just for you is very important. One who validates your deep emotions at this time.
One who places complete blame for Hs actions on him.

One who can support you to come out of the despair and deep anguish you feel atm.
This won't last forever if you do what your head knows is right for you.

Keep posting here as much as you need to. It's a delicate time for you and support is exactly what you need.
I'm deeply sorry for what you're going through. Hugs.

Love EM

Re: How do you get past a long term affair betrayal?

Juliet_84 — Thu, 13 Oct 2022 12:06:19 GMT

Hi Kelly,

I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do, I think a lot of people would find it incredibly hard to stomach let alone get past this level of betrayal. I think most people can understand a momentary lapse, even if that is still incredibly painful, but an affair lasting years is a whole other level of betrayal that most couldn’t come back from. Instead of seeing it as a mistake, you are left questioning who this person even is to be able to live a double life essentially. During that time he would have lied thousands of times, and seemingly managed to do that without conscience. I don’t believe the BS that it was mostly just banter and not sexual, there is definitely an intimacy to their relationship that seems much deeper than that you get with banter, he is minimizing his behavior. I also find the subsequent gaslighting to make you feel paranoid a huge red flag that not only is this person a liar and cheat but he is also willing to manipulate you to make you feel crazy so that he can continue on as he wants. If you truly want to stay with this man, I think you will both need to do a lot of work, him at being honest and accepting accountability and making real steps to change and you at being able to trust him again. I think that will be very difficult for you because our brains acknowledge what our hearts sometimes refuse to, that this person is untrustworthy. I should also state that there is no judgement here from me regarding whatever you decide, I myself was in a domestic violence relationship for many years and people told to leave over and over and I hated it. At the end of the day you can only decide what is for you. Funnily enough the reasons I stayed were not necessarily related to love, although there was an element of that, but it was more about how I was feeling, and financial etc. If you don’t mind me asking, what are the reasons that you are willing to try and move past this?

Re: How do you get past a long term affair betrayal?

geoff — Thu, 13 Oct 2022 15:39:15 GMT

Hello Kelly, my heart opens up to you and to be betrayed like this from yor husband is inexcusable and there is no justification what's so ever and can't believe he can pretend to live two lives.

There can be no trust in this marriage, because how or when can you start to believe in what he has to say and can trust ever be built once again, unfortunately that's something you need to decide on.

Even if he wants to cut ties with her, how can you stop her from continually trying to contact him and then how is he going to react.

We often suggest couple counselling, but what he promises to do to rectify this, will he stick to this six months down the track, because he has already broken his trust and tried everything to try and hide this from you.

Please remember that a one night affair from a drunken night is not good, but to have a three year affair is not acceptable and certainly not being honest nor faithful to you, and please know, I how you must be feeling and feel so sorry you have to try and cope with this.

I can't tell you what to do, I can only suggest, but I really hope you can get private counselling using the 'mental health plan', which entitles you to 20 Medicare paid sessions.

Sometimes I only wish some marriages could return to how they were, and know you are devastated, but there are men out there who would only want to love you from head to toe, and hope you can talk back with us.

My utmost apologies and sincere condolences.

Geoff.

Life Member.

Re: How do you get past a long term affair betrayal?

Black_Magic_Dragon_Ball_Z — Thu, 13 Oct 2022 20:54:32 GMT

Dear Kelly,

I understand this must be hard to come to terms with.

Your senses and emotions are operating on overdrive and your Spirit is trying it's best to find a way to cope.

It's not a physical attack but you definitely feel as if you were under attack - from the very person that was supposed to protect you.

This is really difficult but by the sounds of it, you both want to try and work things out.

You have some hope by going to counselling, that's a good sign. There is hope for you both.

You must be really overwhelmed, scared to move forward.

For any chance at success, you need to start with forgiveness.

People do some really foolish things in life, it is one of the easiest traps for a Man to fall into - even when he is not looking for an affair.

All it takes is for a woman to flatter and tickle a man's ego at just the right or wrong time in his life and it's very difficult for him to say no.

When you have been in your marriage for a long time it's very easy to slip into a simple and unexciting pattern.

It's very easy to take it for granted.

It's important for you to remember the things that you fell in Love with him when you first met.

Try your best to move beyond the hurt and betrayal.

Please understand I am not making excuses for him but the positive thing is you are still together.

That says so very much about his feelings. I am sure he is sorry that he has hurt you, are you strong enough to forgive him.

The hardest thing we have to face in life is the feeling of rejection.

But YOU are the winner, he is still with YOU therefore he chose YOU!

I pray that you have success in your marriage, it is definitely worth fighting for.

I pray that you receive Peace, comfort and abundant Blessings...

Re: How do you get past a long term affair betrayal?

Fiatlux — Fri, 14 Oct 2022 01:25:42 GMT

Hi Kelly_T,

Firstly I am so sorry that you are going through this. You need to take care of yourself first and foremost.

I have been there too often as the betrayed wife.

You have received some great advice from others here.

I understand that you are attempting counselling. If I can add that should your counselor ever try to blame you for any part of your husband's affair, that you should try a new counselor.

If I can suggest that you each attend counselling alone and as a couple if you really want to go down that path. There is Marriage Counselling and 'infidelity Trauma Counselling' which is what you really need following a devastating event such as this.

I tried Infidelity Support forums such as surviving infidelity and Helping Couples Heal which deals with the traumatic impacts of infidelity. Neither are a cure for betrayal trauma but listening to the podcasts helped me and my 'husband' understand the emotional and physical impacts this has had on me.

I suffer from ptsd and pisd (post infidelity stress disorder).

This may sound awfully long, but you need to give yourself 2-3 years to 'get past this' and may longer.

Take care of yourself and research what you need to get past this and work towards Healing. 🙏

Re: How do you get past a long term affair betrayal?

Kelly_T — Fri, 14 Oct 2022 01:30:58 GMT

Hey Em

Thanks for replying to my message, it's good to hear that you have come through and it is way in your past. I think one of the main things I'm worried about is how this is going to affect my mind and my personality, I've always been so calm and level-headed and optimistic and now I'm scared I will just be a broken person after this. It brings some comfort to know you have pushed through.

Thank you for the forum suggestions too, I think this is what I need as I almost feel like I can't talk to people I know yet.

The counselling session was strange tbh. It was more of a "get to know us" and the counsellor asked him a lot about his childhood etc. I was thinking "can we just talk about the affair now?", but I am just impatient to make this dead feeling go away. I am going back by myself today so hopefully, this helps.

I am not sure if I am staying or going yet. I aways said that if I was cheated on I would be out in a second, I am very headstrong and do respect myself and know my worth. It's different when it actually happens to you though, one minute I am furious at him, one minute I'm grieving, one minute I don't want to give up everything. I'm not in the headspace to make this decision yet.

I really appreciate you coming back to me and helping me. I hope that you are living a much better life now. Thank you so much

Kelly

Re: How do you get past a long term affair betrayal?

Kelly_T — Fri, 14 Oct 2022 01:50:15 GMT

Hey Juliet

I'm so sorry to hear that you were in a violent relationship, I hope that you are working through this and are in a safe place now.

You are very right about everything, I think the idea of the work it would take is so overwhelming because how can I ever take this out of my mind? I can't, but then it will be in my mind now no matter where I am. That makes me the saddest really, I'll be tainted by it, how this has changed the path for future me. This might sound silly, but I don't want to be messed up!

Good question, why am I willing to move past this? To be honest, I'm not entirely sure, and I'm not sure if I am willing. Or maybe I am willing, but I don't know if that is even possible. The whole idea of everything makes me feel so tired, I have had a hard couple of years and felt like things were just getting so good after so much effort and now I just don't feel like I have the gas to completely start my whole life over again. We just got a new house together and weirdly I felt like we were in such a great space. I'm also scared for my financial future I guess. It's also so sad to me that 14 years could just become nothing, like how can it be nothing?

As you can see I am not in a headspace to make this decision yet..I'm still in the phase of staring at a spec on the table for an hour.

Thank you so much for speaking to me

Re: How do you get past a long term affair betrayal?

Kelly_T — Fri, 14 Oct 2022 01:56:50 GMT

Thank you Geoff, your message just made me cry, you are very right. How can I ever believe him again? I actually (rather crazily and completely out of character) text her and told her to back off and keep away from him and she said "rest assured there will be no contact from me, and if you want to talk to me you can" ...Rest assured, ha...and why would I ever want to talk to you....I am still in the "get gone please" phase.

I do need to remember that the same person saying it's over is also the person who did this to me, no matter what he says about being willing to do everything for me. I have my first solo counselling session today, so let's see how that goes.

It's actually really nice to talk to a man on here too, I really appreciate you making contact and hope that you are having a much nicer week than I.

Kelly

I wish so much that it was just a drunk liaison, but the fact that he went back numerous times just keeps playing in my head. I asked him if he felt guilty and he said he did, but he still did it anyway.

Re: How do you get past a long term affair betrayal?

white knight — Fri, 14 Oct 2022 02:22:04 GMT

Hi Kelly

I'm so pleased you have had some beautiful members reply to your post.

Like others I've endured grief of broken relationships, infidelity or other reasons its just so hard to see past that grieving period to see a future, but I can assure you- there is one.

These are the things that need attention-

Mending your low self esteem
Refusing to take blame for any allegations levelled at you (type of gaslighting)
Continue with counselling and any therapy, posting here, help from friends until you decide you've done your best
Broken trust has a bad track record of fully mending
Distraction- fill your days up with activities.

Here is a post you might benefit from, you only need to read the first post.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/the-best-praise-you-ll-ever-get/td-p/134999

I hope you feel better soon

TonyWK

Re: How do you get past a long term affair betrayal?

Kelly_T — Fri, 14 Oct 2022 02:38:19 GMT

Thank you for your positivity, I'm not sure if I am the winner, but I do appreciate your perspective on this very much. It is nice to hear some thoughts from a different point of view to give me something to think about.

I was thinking about forgiveness the other day and how one comes to the point of forgiveness. I'm not religious in any way so won't be looking to that, but I am not sure how I can get there yet, hopefully a therapist can help me with that somehow.

I really appreciate your positivity and hope, thank you.

Re: How do you get past a long term affair betrayal?

Kelly_T — Fri, 14 Oct 2022 03:10:40 GMT

Hi Fiatlux

I'm so sorry to hear this has happened to you and that you have now developed PTSD, this is something I am most fearful of, how will this come up in my future.

I am going for my first solo session today, I don't blame myself for this, so if I was blamed by a professional you can trust I would be out in a second!

May I ask if you are still with your partner?

Kelly

Re: How do you get past a long term affair betrayal?

Kelly_T — Fri, 14 Oct 2022 03:14:45 GMT

Hey Tony

Thank you for your message, sorry to hear you have also experienced something similar, I hope you are doing ok.

I read your blog post, thank you. Your part about being alone resonated with me a lot as a few years ago I was physically unwell for a year and it was during this time I realised that I was truly alone the only one who could pull myself out. I appreciate you reminding me of this.

Thank you

Kelly

Re: How do you get past a long term affair betrayal?

ecomama — Fri, 14 Oct 2022 07:14:19 GMT

Dear Kelly, what you wrote back to me REALLY resonated. Oh you darling girl I thought. This is so not fair!
I truly remember these days I described as "feeling like I'm in a cement mixer" and not knowing which way was up.

Only for this period in time, you are feeling so many emotions and they're all mixed up together.
Try to NAME each one. This will help you communicate where you're at with your Counsellor at least.
I found Brene Brown's book "Atlas of the Heart" a great one.
Also "The Road Less Traveled" by M.Scott Peck, but the real beauties were "IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING" (I think) by Dr George Simon and "But he says he loves me" Dina McMillan PhD.

And you need to CRY!
And get your fury out in some healthy way too - I took up swimming... anywhere and everywhere. Did laps in a local swimming pool, swam in rivers and lakes. Jumped in a friends pool fully clothed once just to PURIFY this putrid feeling out of me (no I wasn't drunk lol just frustrated).
I visualised the water PURIFYING me, cleansing all the disgusting things out of me.

You're so sweet.
You need to talk about this until..... x time. You can talk to ANY of your closest people!
This is not your shame to bare. Please be conscious of NOT enabling his infidelity by being party to his lies and deceit.
You can still have honest and authentic relationships with your friends and family. I just gave you a Permission slip to do so.

Love EM

Re: How do you get past a long term affair betrayal?

Fiatlux — Fri, 14 Oct 2022 08:12:09 GMT

Hi Kelly_T,

We are still married. 35 years this past September. We have been separated previously, I had to leave as he refused. We are not reconciled. We are not happy. He’s an abusive serial cheater and a narcissist. I do not like this person at all. He’s simply awful. Had I had the knowledge and education I would never have married him. I should have left and stayed gone much earlier. It would have saved me from the abuse that I have suffered.

Give yourself time and space and make an educated decision.

Good luck and take care of yourself 🙏🏼

Re: How do you get past a long term affair betrayal?

Kelly_T — Sat, 15 Oct 2022 09:29:35 GMT

Dear Fiatlux

Oh no I am so sad to hear this is what has happened with you and that you are still in this situation. What are you going to do? You need to get out of there so you can at least have some peace for the rest of your life. I am so sorry to hear of your situation.

Kelly

Re: How do you get past a long term affair betrayal?

Juliet_84 — Sat, 15 Oct 2022 12:58:25 GMT

Hi Kelly,

Thanks so much for taking the time to write back, and I completely understand where you are coming from. It must be such a difficult time for you

and I imagine your emotions must turn on a dime at the moment. The important thing to remember is that you don’t need to make a decision now, or even 6 months from now. You most likely will just decide one day whether you can do this or not, and in that moment you’ll have clarity. As far as trust goes, that is won back in small increments over time with changed behaviour. The problem for you will be that an absence of proof is not always proof of absence so every time he is working back late, texting, has a day off sick etc you will feel uneasy and anxious. You may start going through his phone etc looking for proof. But over time, if his story continually checks out etc you will find him start to regain some of your trust. I once heard a sex therapist (Esther Perel [who’s very good and worth a watch on YouTube] speak about infidelity) and she said that we don’t trust that someone will never betray us, but we need to trust that if that happens that we are strong enough to recover from it. And I think that will be the place that you come to so that you can find peace.
Juliet

Re: How do you get past a long term affair betrayal?

geoff — Sat, 15 Oct 2022 13:43:10 GMT

Hello Kelly, thank you so much.

If he felt guilty, all it would take is the thought of being with this person that would definitely overshadow any guilt, especially when he doesn't agree with any decision that's been made, and being in this relationship for three years, he is only thinking of himself and not taking any consideration in to how you are feeling.

The great worry is that if she says it's over is your husband going to accept this or will it make your marriage more difficult, until he goes searching once again.

My heart truly feels the pain you have been going through, because all of this changes the perspective of being able to plan for the future.

My deepest thoughts.

Geoff.

Life Member.

Re: How do you get past a long term affair betrayal?

Liz_ss — Sun, 16 Oct 2022 06:30:47 GMT

I don't have an answer but just writing to say I feel your pain. Going through very similar situation and feeling that I will forever be sad and if I stay relationship will never be the same. If I go, it will mean a different future than I imagined for me and my child. Just want you to know you are not alone and hopefully it is the rawness of the situation and it will get better.

Re: How do you get past a long term affair betrayal?

Kelly_T — Wed, 19 Oct 2022 03:38:00 GMT

Hey Em

Thanks for your message, trust me, I have been doing a lot of crying! It's been one week now, I kinda felt ok-ish on Monday (it's Weds), but today I feel like I've been thinking about it every second of the day, I just want my mind back, I feel like I'm obsessing and I can't stop. My counsellor suggested I start journalling my feelings and I've been taking notes on my phone, but I think I need my equivalent of your swimming. I did spend a lot of time planting in my garden on Sunday and that did help to lift my mood and distract me, perhaps that may be it. I just wish I could fast forward the weeks.

TBH I've only told two people and not my closest friends, I think maybe because I need to figure this out for myself and feel like I'm not ready to share it yet and have lots of questions. I also feel too tired for the follow up and the constant check -ins , which I know come from a place of love, but I can't deal with that extra conversation right now.

Kelly