topic Re: Separation - Advice on next steps in Relationship and family issues

Want a separation

Dazedandconfused123 — Mon, 18 Jul 2022 04:52:31 GMT

I've decided I want to separation from my husband.

Recently have been seeing a counsellor myself, who's helped me realise that I am not invested in this marriage and quite frankly it's a toxic one with emotional and controlling behaviour by my husband.

I have suggested counselling a few times to him (was met with - "i don't think it's needed"), and after being brutally honest about my unhappiness 4 weeks ago and telling him to organise couples counselling to help save us, he hasn't done a thing.

I am looking to seek legal advice as we own property and have a child, and I'm trying to save money in secret, as he looks after the finances (one of the toxic behaviours I have learnt).

So, this comes to my conundrum. I need to ask for separation, but I don't know when I should.

Should I wait until I have enough money saved to move out if needed? Should I say something soon and force a counselling session (i hear this looks better for divorce/custody etc).

We have a family holiday overseas planned in 5 weeks time, should I do it before then or go on the holiday and pretend everything is ok?

Really appreciate any advice, it's not something you can easily ask friends!

Re: Want a separation

Fiatlux — Mon, 18 Jul 2022 05:51:38 GMT

Hi,

I am so sorry that you are in this predicament.

When I wanted a separation from my husband, I was the one who had to move out, as he refused. (Yes, he was controlling, abusive and unfaithful).

I did get legal advice a year or so after separation. I was advised that I should never have moved out of the family home.

Get legal advice as soon as you can, especially if you are looking at Divorce as the final option. Legal advice generally will ask about marriage counselling.

Good luck.

Re: Want a separation

ecomama — Mon, 18 Jul 2022 09:30:45 GMT

Hi DC123, welcome.

This is a confusing time. The decisions you'll have to make up ahead (& now!) could feel overwhelming at times.

Fiatlux has shared the Family Law (FL) advice she received re:property.
This IS what Lawyers say to do for the financial side.

I stayed "separated under one roof" & exH behaviours escalated. It was hell on wheels. Please watch for this.

You don't "ask" for separation. You state it.
But this time is dangerous. There are ways to state it without being face to face... decisions.
Also you can't "force Counselling". I think you confused the advice you were given.

Leaving before property is sold means you could lose it all.. that's a decision you'll have to gauge.

Re: "Forcing Counselling". I infer what the FL meant was booking Mediation (which is also referred to as "Family Counselling" - confusing!).
You phone Relationships Australia or call BB Helpline for others in your area.
What happens is they take your name etc, then give you an appointment date & time for you to attend ALONE.
Then, IF Mediation is deemed appropriate, they send a letter to H.

PLEASE BEFORE you do any of this, book in with 1, 2, 3 Family Law firms in your area to have the 30 minute free talk with them. This is SO important. Doing this will "conflict H out" of engaging these Lawyers.
You may not like the first Lawyer (I DIDN'T! am SO GLAD I didn't go with them!)... you can have back ups then. They won't answer your qns in the free talk but you can pay $300- $400 to have 1 hour with them.

If you decide to do this, please let us know as I have ways to make this far more financially efficient for you.

When YOU decide you've separated, register this separation with Centrelink if possible.
OR tell a friend or your GP (someone reputable preferably with 'letters after their name'). Ask them to record the DATE. There are "rules" about separation, legally speaking ie you cannot be intimate twice or it's not deemed "separation".

Overseas? IDK!

Re: Want a separation

madamabutterfly — Mon, 18 Jul 2022 10:03:49 GMT

Hi,

Look for and visit your local women's health centre. If they cannot help you, they should be able to refer you to an organisation in your area that can.

Take care,

Re: Want a separation

white knight — Mon, 18 Jul 2022 10:52:27 GMT

Hi, welcome

I think your husband has had enough opportunities to attend counselling with you. "Forcing" him by any means would be treating him as he has treated you don't you think?.

Also, careful eating you :hear". My understanding is that to carry out divorce 12 months separation is the only requirement. You don't need to prove you've tried in your marriage.

Similar to custody, but of course the child's welfare is paramount. He has equal parenting rights nowadays and having been in a similar sharing situation I'd suggest in time you establish a friendly communication level with him to make sharing of the child stress free and flexible.

TonyWK

Re: Want a separation

geoff — Mon, 18 Jul 2022 15:23:53 GMT

Hello, if you want to separate but not sure when you can, because you won't know when you feel you have enough money, and as he looks after the finances, how do you know whether or not he is accumulating money in another account for himself.

Going on your holiday o/s is questionable because if you want to separate, then chances are you may not enjoy as best as you want to, and to decide what to do with your child may not be agreeable, especially as he controls the money.

I know someone who was married with two children wanted to separate and then divorce, so they engaged a mentor, who could discuss making a final decision accepted by both of them, including custody of their children, being 50/50.

At the moment this is more important than your o/s holiday, you can go later on whenever you decide.

This mentor can discuss underlying issues to make a final agreement and can decide whether you want a separation or a divorce.

Geoff.

Life Member.

Re: Want a separation

Dazedandconfused123 — Tue, 19 Jul 2022 01:05:27 GMT

Thank you. Some good tips here. Appreciate you taking the time to respond.

Re: Want a separation

Dazedandconfused123 — Tue, 19 Jul 2022 01:09:57 GMT

Yes, I guess 'force' is the wrong word.

I guess my thinking is trying to make it look like I tried to my husband so he might be more amicable? I think he would attend counselling now that i've booked it, but i'm unsure if I'm too mentally checked out to try and work on things if he was willing.

Just typing out my thoughts I suppose... thank you for taking the time to respond.

Re: Want a separation

ecomama — Tue, 19 Jul 2022 12:56:41 GMT

Hi D&C123

Good idea.

Family Law in most states, for certain in NSW, requires that you book into a Mediation service for "Relationship Counselling".
As I said before, it's not the same as marriage counselling or couples therapy. QUITE the many differences actually.

"Family Counselling" in Mediation is more or less mandatory with few exclusions, before you can lodge in Family Law Court or Federal Circuit Court.

You may not have to go to Court. I'm not getting that feeling atm though, due to his controlling nature over finances for one.

Some separating / divorcing couples each engage a Family Lawyer and those lawyers represent each party and are supposed to work things out between you both for Children and Property.

You can Google search so much information on the processes involved in your State or Territory.

I think you may be a long way off discussing all this yet.

Please keep us posted
EM

Separation - Advice on next steps

Dazedandconfused123 — Mon, 26 Sep 2022 03:49:53 GMT

Hi all,

I posted before about wanting a separation from my husband.

I've sorted legal advice and I'm ready to tell him I want to leave.

Looking for some advice on my next steps.

I am quite bad at talking about my feelings verbally, (i don't get what I want to say out correctly) so was thinking of giving him a letter to read, then we can discuss. Does this seem reasonable or is it too 'weak'?

I am willing and have the money to find a rental. I am just unsure what I should do with our 4 year old daughter. I am conscious that taking her out of the only home she's known can be upsetting for her, yet at the same time she's such a mummy's girl, she would struggle without me. I guess we can do 'nesting' until family home sells? Anyone have experience with this?

Appreciate any advice you can give.

Re: Separation - Advice on next steps

white knight — Mon, 26 Sep 2022 05:53:37 GMT

Hi,

Writing a letter can be seen as "official" but you have good reason. I'd suggest you mention "you know I cant verbally talk well to anyone so have written this letter instead and appreciate your response".

Children are resilient, they adapt quickly, better than adults do so home changes and one parent at a time will be ok in the medium term. Dont fret over your child, as long as she sees both parents and better still if the communication between you both is maintained then your child will be ok and remain adjusted.

Both you and your husband remaining in the family home until it sells isnt such a good idea. What do you plan for parenting? 50/50? 12 days with you and every second weekend with the childs father? This is a topic you need to discuss and if you feel you cannot do so for any reason quietly and efficiently then a family/couples counsellor is ideal.

Until your child is 18yo you will need to communicate with your partner. This can be incredibly difficult. I had to do this for 14 years until my youngest reached 18yo and I can say, I tried everything to remain cordial but it didnt work. So try to maintain respect and think of the benefits for the child of any chuckles and ease of talking in the childs presence.

Good luck

TonyWK

Re: Separation - Advice on next steps

ecomama — Mon, 26 Sep 2022 10:01:17 GMT

Hey D&C, welcome back.

I would book in for Mediation via Relationships Australia or another Govt recognised agency.
Then as the time approaches for your meeting with them (the person who books the Mediation goes first and they don't notify the other party until AFTER you have had your meeting), then I would ask them how to notify.

OR you could pay your Lawyer to write a letter

OR you could write a letter yourself

OR you could move out and then let him know.

It's totally up to you.
"Nesting" is not a term I've heard in relation to separation and divorce.

If you mean "separated under the one roof" then this is a distinct step in Family Law and needs to be recognised by an Agency eg Centrelink / Child Support Agency and / or by YOUR Lawyer.

I urge you to contact the Women's Legal Service in your state as soon as possible. You can explain your situation and they can relay excellent Legal advice for your precise situation.

You will need to have it very clear in your mind what you want after separation (as Tony WK pointed out)...
CARE of the child comes first - what Family Law expects is 50 / 50.
PROPERTY comes second and it's more or less 50% depending upon length of the relationship, assets on cohabitation etc.
These can be done simultaneously but often aren't as property can be a huge sticking point for many partners.

I hope it's a simple process for you all, I've not seen many divorces completed "simply".
EM

Re: Separation - Advice on next steps

geoff — Wed, 28 Sep 2022 16:32:42 GMT

Hello Dazedandconfused, your daughter will accept a new place, I have known someone with two small girls who have separated and they were absolutely OK with this.

She would find it very difficult without you and should be in your plans when you do separate, I just hope that if you give your husband a letter that you are safe, but one way or another he has to be told.

Plan on what you want to take with you and find another place, because eventually this is what you will have to do, then wait until the house is sold and then make a decision about where you'll live, it may be better to rent rather than buy another house at the moment, just so you can stablish you and your daughter, because if you buy then there may be decisions about what needs to be done, again I don't think you need this right now.

Look after yourself and your daughter.

Geoff.

Life Member.