topic Hi natures-right, We’re sorry to hear that you’re feelin... in Relationship and family issues

Feelings of guilt

natures-right — Wed, 21 Sep 2022 04:40:21 GMT

Hi. Thanks in advance for reading. I wanted to vent/ask advice about this particular issue that was raised in counselling with my partner.

About 4 years ago he was diagnosed with acute leukaemia. He was very fortunate in that, although severe, it was a treatable kind and he is now in complete remission, after spending about a month in hospital and then over the course of 8 months being treated as an outpatient.

In counselling he brought up the fact that he thinks our relationship started to decline then because I apparently said 'I can't do this anymore' to him when I first started visiting him in hospital. I have to admit that I don't remember saying this at all. But it's entirely possible, given how stressful the situation was. If it's the case, I am certainly not proud of it. There are many things I wish I had done better whilst I was a caregiver, and obviously I wish that I had not hurt him in this way.

I think all this has come up again because when we were fighting, I said I was worried about having to be a full-time carer for him as he got older (he is significantly older than me). Again, I realise now that this was a hurtful thing to say. I have a lot of trouble balancing being open and communicative with being diplomatic and not saying everything I'm thinking.

I'm struggling with the guilt of these things whilst the other part of my mind provides counterpoints - I do not believe that I ever would have left him whilst he was sick; I did look after him through his leukaemia; he has always made an issue about me from seeking therapy for my mental health, so that especially during such trying times I felt I didn't have people to talk to since I can find it hard to confide in my friends; as an older person, is it not reasonable that he should also be thinking about his life as he gets older and how that could affect me?

He calls me selfish and narcissistic and I am entirely willing to believe that I have these tendencies. I am trying very hard to fix them. I just don't know where the boundary is for me to have an appropriate level of concern about my life, versus actually being selfish and not thinking enough about his feelings. I have been selfish in the past with him and my family, and I feel like I don't relate to that person anymore. But when he says things like this, I can't help but question if I am indeed a bad, a narcissist or a sociopathic person.

Hi natures-right, We’re sorry to hear that you’re feelin...

Sophie_M — Wed, 21 Sep 2022 04:57:22 GMT

Hi natures-right, We’re sorry to hear that you’re feeling this way and going through such a difficult time with your partner and his ongoing illness. We’re glad you could share this here, as our lovely community will have kindness, advice and understanding for you. It sounds like you could do with talking things through, so please don’t hesitate to give the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 or speak to them on webchat here. You could also speak to Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. They also have some great advice on their pages, such as this one on communication in relationships. In a healthy relationship, you should be communicated with and treated with respect, so it might be worth having a look at the 1800Respect pages on healthy relationships. Thanks again for sharing here, it's a great step and shows a lot about you that you are wanting to do the best thing for yourself and your partner. We’re sure you’ll hear from some other community members soon. Kind regards, Sophie M

Re: Hi natures-right, We’re sorry to hear that you’re feelin...

natures-right — Wed, 21 Sep 2022 04:59:42 GMT

HI Sophie_M, thank you for your post and support. I was aware of some of these resources but not the specific pages, so this is helpful, thank you.