topic Re: Husband ending marriage - severely depressed in Relationship and family issues

Husband ending marriage - severely depressed

Cjm158819 — Mon, 08 Aug 2022 13:32:51 GMT

I am completely at a loss. My husband who has been my best friend and soul mate for 15 years ended our marriage.

He is staying with his mum, barely has any stuff and has left everything at home.

He started with the I love you but not in love with you line. In my mind that means the spark is gone as we are wrapped up in everyday life, kids etc. Life is hard we both work full time, have a demanding 3 and 6 year old.

After he said this, we had an amazing week together and bonded well. Then all came to blows one night where he kept threatening suicide and left in a rage. Next day he ended it.

He stopped his medication suddenly a couple months prior.

He will not try and work on our marriage. Everytime I ask to not make decisions when he is severely depressed he yells and screams and tells me to stop. This has been going on 4 weeks and everyime I try to talk about everything he won't answer, says it's over and there's no trying. It's like he suddenly projected all his hurt in life onto our marriage. We were happy, lockdown took a toll on him and he was diagnosed as severely depressed. He has a lot of childhood trauma. We were always open and spoke about everything. He has changed into someone I don't know. It's like the man I married literally died in front of me.

I've taken on the load of everything while he's tapped out and he couldn't care less. I snapped tonight and told him I'm completely done as he won't have a rational conversation about everything so I can move on with my life.

This is emotional torture for me, so I'm cutting all contact now. One minute he didn't blame the marriage and said he's numb to everyone and everything and the next it's over its over I've told you a million times.

If it was a toxic marriage, if there were major issues I would accept and move forward and wouldn't of been fighting.

He has mentioned he's worse since he left our home. He's on week 4 of his medication again and his dose has been upped as he is worse.

He makes me feel like I'm crazy and he keeps saying I'm pushing. He has no idea the effect of all of this on his family. I snapped tonight as I have the full time pressure of 2 demanding kids and a high pressure job.

Dear Cjm158819 We welcome you to the forums and want to...

Sophie_M — Mon, 08 Aug 2022 14:16:03 GMT

Dear Cjm158819

We welcome you to the forums and want to let you know that we are thankful you have the courage to reach out this evening.

We are sorry that you are going through this right now, 15 years later with children demonstrates how much time and love you have clearly invested into the relationship and it’s understandable as to why you are feeling at a loss right now with your husband choosing to step back and seemingly failing to acknowledge that he might be needing a lot more support here that the family can provide.

Whilst your husband does not appear to be in a place to be able to ackowledge what is going on for him right now, you still deserve to be treated with respect and part of this is knowing where you stand. Particularly as you note that this now falls on you to manage the home, working and raising the children alone. Unfortunately until your husband is ready to take that responsiblity to get the help he needs, there will be little you can do to control what decisions he is making right now however you do have that control on how you choose to respond to the situation. You have taken that first step this evening by reaching out, please remember to reach out to family, friends and even your GP if you need to talk. We have including some links to resources below in the event you might find something helpful to take from them.

Beyond Blue Relationships

Relationships Australia

Of course, if you ever you feel like you need to talk this through, we are also here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our Webchat, just Click Here . Our team who answer the phones are ready to have a supportive and non-judgmental chat whenever you need it.

It shouldn’t be too long before you hear from one of our lovely community members. Please remember we are always here if you ever need us.

Regards

Sophie M

Re: Husband ending marriage - severely depressed

geoff — Mon, 08 Aug 2022 16:39:51 GMT

Hello Cjm, a difficult situation you are in and I feel very sorry for you and your husband.

As much as you would like to know the answers to your questions, someone suffering from depression doesn't really have the answers you want to hear because they don't seem to be logically sound, but he is unable to give you any sensible reasons and probably doesn't want to be asked too many questions, this can push him away further, so it's not by him answering your questions, but rather with him talking, whatever this may be about.

Can I suggest that all these questions be asked by you to a doctor and/or a psychologist, then they can mention various options, because you need to be strong if this is possible, to know what he has said could not be the truth, but this illness is making him say all of this.

By him staying at his mothers place, then his position being there may not be too savvy and even though he is depressed he will still find it difficult being away from you and the children, so it's a catch-22 situation.

I'm pleased he has started his medication once again, try and wait for this to settle down and perhaps ask him if he wants to return home, even if he lives a separate life, I know this wouldn't be an easy decision to make, butsometimes being close to the kids and you in the background with his increase in dosage may give him the chance to seek help, because he can't solve any of this by himself.

Please keep in touch with us.

Geoff.

Life Member.

Re: Husband ending marriage - severely depressed

Cjm158819 — Mon, 08 Aug 2022 17:52:53 GMT

Hi Geoff. Thank you so much for writing back.

I understand all of that completely, I have asked him not to male any life changing decisions while he is so unwell.

I have been at him with the questions as I have been left with the 2 kids 95% of the time and working a high demand job while falling apart myself. I keep being told its just what mums have to do etc.. but it's so hard with all the anger and resentment I have had.

I have been there as a friend, offered him to come back and I will sleep in a separate room. I've made detailed lists on ways we can ease his stress. I've picked apart all my faults and apologized for them. I just got to breaking point today as I was sent home from work from being so miserable. I am trying to arrange councilling but its been a slow process.

I am trying to be patient but he has been so cold and hurtful which causes me to react being under so much stress. I don't want to be so bitter and angry I am struggling though.

I just hope if I don't talk anymore and show him what life is like without me he may realize what he is loosing 😞

Re: Husband ending marriage - severely depressed

Cjm158819 — Wed, 10 Aug 2022 01:56:41 GMT

I've started writing down how I'm feeling and am seeing the GP today for a mental health plan.

I haven't made any contact in 24 hours, going to leave it that way for now so I don't push anymore. Not that I ever meant to, everything I did and said was from love.

I just hope his medication starts balancing out and the person I know starts coming back. This guy is a stranger it's so scary!

I know it's not his fault. I don't blame him one bit.

I just hope looks into his heart when he is clearer and sees his family is waiting for him 😞

Re: Husband ending marriage - severely depressed

ecomama — Wed, 10 Aug 2022 07:45:34 GMT

Dear Cjm, I'm so sorry your husband is behaving this way towards you and your beautiful family!

It's NOT how someone could behave towards their spouse and children.

Please search the 180 Strategy.
I agree with your decision to go no contact / low contact.
I believe this is the ONLY path to take after all this mind effing.
You need to save yourself from going downhill with him.

You need to think of some boundaries to set up for YOU.
Set times when H can come pick up the kids (if you think they're SAFE with him?) or possibly you can drop them over to his house when his mum is home (if you think the kids are safe).

You have been endlessly helpful from what you've written. Truly his behaviours are HIS responsibility. He's a grown up. Stopping meds, abusing you etc... too kind IMO.

Boundaries UP and I'm super glad to hear you're on the track to getting some of your OWN MH support.
That's awesome Cjm and I wish you all the very best.

Love EM

Re: Husband ending marriage - severely depressed

Cjm158819 — Wed, 10 Aug 2022 08:10:37 GMT

Thank you so much for your kind words. He has taken the kids here and there and has been here with them. Initially he wanted family dinners etc but it just ended up with me in tears. I just don't know what to do anymore.. it's like the person I married died. I know it's the illness but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I feel very alone and people are so opinionated who don't understand! Telling me to pack his stuff etc. They just don't get it 😞

Re: Husband ending marriage - severely depressed

ecomama — Wed, 10 Aug 2022 12:30:29 GMT

Hey Cjm, it's a very confusing time for you that's for sure! I'm so sorry, I've been in a very similar position as you and it's really horrible. Hugs. It's sad too.

The thing is that when we share our situation, people WILL be opinionated. It's just par for the course.
It's REALLY hard for us to say, "can you just listen?" (If that's what you want) because I really don't want your advice atm.
I've got this boundary with my closest ppl now, mostly. No matter how much they complain, I do ask, "Would you like my feedback?" If they say no, then it's a no. Only if they say YES! Will I double check lol and give it.

I know everyone's different, so depression could manifest differently. I'm only drawing on my own experiences of depression and the ways of ppl I know well in their depressive states.
Depression doesn't = abuse IME.
I'm not quite sure why you keep saying "it's the illness" (that's causing all this palaver)?

You posted "he wanted family dinners" and all the other things he's done that "he" wanted.
Gosh where are you in this mess? The only parent holding the fort together. Still parenting 100%. Still working. Still going crazy wondering what the... is going on with him.
Is he coming or going?
He's gone!

You don't have to pack his stuff, he's already LEFT. He's in absentia, MIA, all of it.
OMG Imagine if WE as mothers did all that! We'd be burned at the stake lol. Oh yeah that's right we were...

The "power imbalance" has to even up a bit. This is where "The 180" comes in.

Also I totally "get" your statement ... "it's like the person I married died".

No truer words have been said.
I found "Wolf in Sheep's Clothing" a brilliant read, BUT we could be dealing with different circumstances... I really hope we are!

Here for you,
EMxxxx

Re: Husband ending marriage - severely depressed

Cjm158819 — Wed, 10 Aug 2022 13:41:50 GMT

Thank you so much.

Yes I don't factor into anything at all unfortunately. I say the illness as it has completely taken over him, and I agree no excuse to be like this to me however this is the first instance in 15 years this has happened.. this isn't him at his core. If it was, I wouldn't even bother fighting for him. But I've now accepted he needs his space and what will be will be.

I hope he can sort himself out and remember our amazing family.

It's like the lights are on but no one is home, except a very angry person in a very dark place.

My first councilling session is next Thursday so I hope to feel more stronger after that.

Luckily I have a supportive workplace and my babies to keep me going.

Everything he is doing is against his morals as a person, it's so painful to see.

I'm no contact, keeping it that way as it's better for both our mental health currently. I just hope the person I know can come back not this stranger 😞

Appreciate the support so much at this time, feeling so so lost

Re: Husband ending marriage - severely depressed

white knight — Wed, 10 Aug 2022 13:46:01 GMT

Hi CJM.

A comment by my psychiatrist 13 years ago was telling. He said to my wife "your challenge with Tony's behaviour will be- is it his illness or his personality"

How true.

Severe depression can distort your emotions, cause some rash decisions and can cause escapism from people or lifestyle. However, when behaviour and communication is poor as in your case there's few excuses to his abandonment of all responsibilities.

You have "held the fort", continued full time work and balanced the kids... when do you begin to care for you?

Now, I'm concerned for him also. Threatening self harm or worse is a red flag, male suicide exceeds the road toll, it's a real concern. So what's the best way forward out of a barrel of bad options?

With him you can continue to care for his welfare as a fellow human being with few words like r u ok? At the same time mentally move on with plans for a new life. Respect his fatherhood as you are doing but keep discussions relevant about your kids. Praise yourself for all your efforts but his actions imo tell me it's his decision not necessarily caused by depression.

For what it's worth I think you are one very brave lady. The grief and acceptance will take time but eventually you'll be stronger.

TonyWK

Re: Husband ending marriage - severely depressed

geoff — Wed, 10 Aug 2022 15:10:24 GMT

Hello Cjm, you can't necessarily mention or list any problems you believe may have caused all of this because even that won't be enough to help him, and it's not fair on you to do any of this, as this can quite easily cause problems for yourself and that's what you don't need.

When a person suffers from this, they turn into another person, probably one you haven't seen before and act strangely, that's this illness causing all of this, so whatever you try and do, may not satisfy how he is feeling, so it may not be you that has to change and get help, it's your husband that needs to realise that he needs help, because something has suddenly made him feel like this, and that may be difficult for him with MI.

Geoff.

Life Memnber.

Re: Husband ending marriage - severely depressed

Cjm158819 — Wed, 10 Aug 2022 15:55:27 GMT

Thanks Tony and Geoff.

Appreciate both your comments.

This behavior is so out of character for him, in 15 years he has never acted in such a way, so you are right it's someone I have never seen before.

It is so difficult to navigate. I want to be there for him, I want to help. But I know I can't. My heart is constantly broken. He is the best dad in the world to my kids, I know he's not right if he's putting his all into working.

I won't give up hope, but I am letting him be. I don't want to push him anymore. I hope one day he knows it was out of love.

I went over it all with our GP today who us treating him. He advised a minimum of 6 weeks with medication and to leave him be as men process differently to women. Going to do my best to keep busy.

Thanks again for responding, makes me feel less alone and crazy!

Re: Husband ending marriage - severely depressed

teamwork — Mon, 15 Aug 2022 02:24:41 GMT

Dear Cjm. My heart breaks for you because i know exactly what your going through. It's now been 7 months since my husband left home and is staying with his parents. We have been married 14 years and have 3 children (14,10,6) and like you - i continue to hold the fort trying to take the pressure of him. The only difference between your situation and mine is that my husband is in complete denial that he has a problem. I started to notice last year that he was becoming emotionally unavailable, using unhealthy coping mechanisms, burying himself in work, he was working crazy hours and everytime i tried to talk about him and how he was feeling, he made it out to be about work. So i gave him space, did all the things a supportive wife would do to help. And in the end out of no where - i also got told that he's lost all of his feelings for me and within a week of that discussion - he left home. We have had several conversations - alot of them ended in heated arguments because he doesn't see how his actions have effected me or the kids. He has said that it's not my fault, it's him. He's lost all interest in things, feels numb, was stressed out and burnt out from work. But, then in other conversations - he would say hurtful things to make it out like i was part of the problem that confused me to think I did something wrong. It made me sit for hours going through everything in my head to pick out what i could have done. And like you - i also apologised even if it was not my fault. He stopped communicating with me and everytime i pushed for a proper conversation I was met with the one liner's - i'm fine or it's ok or let it go. We even had an argument yesterday because he has stopped spending time with our kids, and I had to bring it up with him. He has told me in conversations that he feels very disconnected from everything especially me. And I didn't want him to feel disconnected from our kids. So I asked him to think about what he's doing and asked him to spend more time with them. He ended up blaming me for creating a gap between him and the kids, which left me scratching my head. I'm the one trying to bridge the gap so was very confused. And most of our conversations are just this - so confusing. I am so glad you are getting some help you need. Please remember to take a break for yourself - and for the sake of your kids.

Re: Husband ending marriage - severely depressed

teamwork — Mon, 15 Aug 2022 02:30:19 GMT

It took me 5 months to get a psychologist that suited me. And it's the best money I have spent for/on myself. I needed direction in the midst of a pool of self blame, rejection, abandonment, and so much more. I'm starting to realise that until my dear H realises he needs help - i must continue on and be there for our kids. I'm sure like me - you miss the acknowledgement, appreciation etc from your husband. Please know that you are appreciated, what your doing is being an amazing mum to your 2 beautiful babies. Please reach out - if you need to. No one needs to go through this on their own. Happy to support you virtually if you ever want to talk.

Re: Husband ending marriage - severely depressed

Cjm158819 — Mon, 15 Aug 2022 10:17:23 GMT

Dear teamwork

It's so nice to hear from someone going through the same thing. I am so so sorry you are going through this. The pain cannot be described.

I hope you are looking after yourself, I hope you are okay and more than happy to be there for you virtually as I know how hard this is 😞 xx

Re: Husband ending marriage - severely depressed

teamwork — Mon, 15 Aug 2022 14:05:36 GMT

Thanks for the response Cjm. I’m ok. Believe it or not I see my husband every single day. Sometimes twice a day. He comes to see the kids off to school and visits them after work as well. Coparenting is tough but, I have boundaries that we both stick to for the sake of the kids. My husband is a wonderful man, and I am learning to seperate him from the depression. He knows I will always be there for him when he is ready to decide what he wants to do. I can see and sense a lot of guilt, blame, sadness and burden in the way he expresses himself very rarely in between sentences. It’s the passing comments that truely speak and convey a message. I have tried and tried to get him to seek assistance. But, it’s of no use. I just continue to pray that’s he sees that there is light at the end of the tunnel and a better life than the one he is currently living.
how is your no contact situation? And more importantly how are your kids? It must be difficult. I remember my youngest was quite emotional for her daddy especially at bedtime. It was so hard managing her emotions when I was also breaking.

I hope your husband is ok and there is improvement with his meds.
thank you so much for checking in. I’m 7 months in so please lean on me and we will get through it together.

Re: Husband ending marriage - severely depressed

Cjm158819 — Tue, 16 Aug 2022 05:21:54 GMT

I am so glad you are okay.

I'm barely seeing him at the moment, all he does is work. He's told me he's blocked everyone out but me. We've briefly spoken over text here or there I told him I'm not doing well mentally. He wasn't as abrupt as usual. Me and my son have covid and are in isolation. He finally offered to drop stuff off tomorrow but I ignored the message. It kills me as the man he was would never leave us in this state. My daughter told me daddy ran away. She's 3. It's killing me.

I'm barely on my phone, I just don't want to text him. Yesterday I said I'll never force him to come home, but I hope he remembers what we have and let me in one day. Then this morning I had 2 messages seeing how we all were and offered to drop things off after work tomorrow as he finishes late at night tonight. I just told him the kids were good after the second message. Next week will be week 6 of the meds, I hope they help him see clearer. Or maybe he just doesn't love me. I don't know anymore, I've never felt pain this bad 😞

Re: Husband ending marriage - severely depressed

Cjm158819 — Tue, 16 Aug 2022 05:30:18 GMT

Sorry meant blocked a lot of people out not only me

Re: Husband ending marriage - severely depressed

teamwork — Tue, 16 Aug 2022 11:07:01 GMT

Dear Cjm,

I hope you and the kids get well soon. Hang in there. I know it’s easier said than done but one day at a time. My psychologist said something at my third appointment that stuck with me. Helped me seperate my husband from this illness. It was along the lines of depression makes a person feel so inadequate and unworthy of love that has nothing to do with you. We can’t force them to heal or fix it for them. We have no control over it. they have to find their way back through their emotions to their hearts before they can connect with you again. In the meantime - whether you stick around for that or move on is a decision that’s in your control. But the one thing that’s most important is that we must never internalise this to convince ourselves that it was that we were not good enough or we are in some way to blame. Because it’s not!
Deep down I know my husband cares about me deeply and maybe love will find itself back in his heart. All I can do is be there for him and the kids. I have chosen to control what I can. And let the rest work itself out.
I’m sure your husband will open up to you and maybe things will work out once he is settled with his meds. Just hang in there..

Always here to chat.. xx

Re: Husband ending marriage - severely depressed

Cjm158819 — Wed, 17 Aug 2022 06:01:16 GMT

You have no idea how much that helped me... it gives me some glimmer of hope 😞 thank you so much from the bottom of my heart:(