topic Struggling with relationships in Relationship and family issues

Struggling with relationships

dirtbiker — Thu, 04 Aug 2022 22:14:44 GMT

Hi everyone this is my first post and I only just signed up so I don’t really know what to do.

I’m a girl (she/her) btw. I struggle with anxiety, ocd etc.

In 2019 I met this guy I really liked we’ll call him J and he was in the grade above me but we where in the same classes. In 2020 I saw him but never really spoke to him anymore and I still liked him. In 2021 I didn’t see him at all as he was at another school and I had no contact with him. This year I’ve been seeing him daily at school and I emailed him pretty early in the year and I got his number and we where talking as friends. Than he randomly stopped messaging back and we haven’t texted in months. There was only one person who knew about him (my best friend) and she informed me that he just randomly added her on Snapchat (I don’t have any social media btw) so she was trying to make me jealous and making fun of me. I thought this sounded weird as he didn’t even know her and the truth is she emailed him asking for his Snapchat. I feel very mad at her and I feel betrayed I just feel like I can’t trust anyone anymore. I also really wished I had guy friends and I thought J was going to be friends with me and I don’t know what to do about anything. Sorry if this doesn’t make sense, I’ve probably missed some information but thanks for reading.

Dear dirtbiker, We would like to commend you for finding...

Sophie_M — Thu, 04 Aug 2022 22:44:34 GMT

Dear dirtbiker,

We would like to commend you for finding the courage to post your question here on our supportive forum. It takes a lot of strength and courage for people to post here.

We understand that you are confused about how to find and make friends. You also may be confused about what you may have done to cause J, and your friend, to both turn against you.

One of the things that we often struggle with is the thought that we cause everything that happens around us. This is very easy to do, and it can often trap and confuse us. You said you had not communicated with J for some months before he connected with your friend on SnapChat. So, it seems likely to us that J connecting with your friend on SnapChat doesn't have any connection to you.

Could it be possible that the more important question for you might be how can you make more friends? If this is true, we would like to suggest you find some clubs and groups at school which focus on topics you are interested in. This way, you might find friends who share interests with you. This would help you and your friends to find things to talk about when you hang out together.

Please let us know if this is what you are trying to figure out. We are always here for you.

Warm regards,

Sophie M.

Re: Dear dirtbiker, We would like to commend you for finding...

dirtbiker — Thu, 04 Aug 2022 22:57:09 GMT

Dear Sophie, thanks for replying. I’m still just confused with the whole situation and I’m trying to move on but it’s hard seeing at though I see him daily and he comes down when I’m training outside of school and watches me train etc.

Sorry I may not have made it clear about the Snapchat thing. He’s no longer talking to her on Snapchat because he Dosent like her it’s just when she emailed him, he didn’t know who it was that’s why he gave her his Snapchat after she asked. My friend made up lies and talked rubbish about me to him, im not exactly sure what she’s said but either way he Doesn’t want to talk to me and I don’t think he ever will. I’m just struggling to realize that as we had a good bond and shared interests etc.

Re: Struggling with relationships

Juliet_84 — Thu, 04 Aug 2022 23:34:25 GMT

Hi dirtbiker,

Firstly I will say, this person is not your “friend”. I used to have a best “friend” like this in high school, if I ever mentioned I liked someone, next thing I knew she was dating them. Some people like to raise themselves up by putting you down. That’s no friend and you would do well to distance yourself from them as over time it will bring you down, your friends should support you and cheer for you. Regarding this guy, are you able to just pull him aside for a chat and find out what’s going on, even something like “hey are you ok, we used to chat all the time but don’t anymore and I miss that”? The reality is that the relationships in your life are going to be dictated by your communication style. There is much to be gained by developing a clear communication style and then you will always know where you stand. Plenty of people miss out on relationships and friendships or ruin them because of miscommunication and misunderstandings. I don’t want that for you.

Re: Struggling with relationships

dirtbiker — Fri, 05 Aug 2022 00:01:07 GMT

Hey Juliet thank you for replying I really appreciate your support. Yeah im going to distance myself as this isn’t the first time she hasn’t been a great friend however I felt bad for her however I have to put myself first and distance myself because she’s not a good person to be around.

Yeah I think that would be a good idea I think I’ll just have to jump out of my comfort zone and talk to him in person instead of texting. I mean it’s not like I’ve got anything to loose the only bad thing that could come from this is a bit of embarrassment etc. But it’s worth a try to try and get answers. I’ve been trying to get answers over text but he’s just ignoring me so it’s worth a try to speak to him in person.
Thank you for your advice- Juliet

Re: Struggling with relationships

ecomama — Fri, 05 Aug 2022 08:59:56 GMT

Hey dirtbiker, cute name! Welcome to the forums.

I 100% agree with Juliet and YOU... "im going to distance myself as this isn’t the first time she hasn’t been a great friend.."

GREAT IDEA!
There's a saying, "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me". I think this is a bit tough tbh BUT I see the point.

There's no shame in giving someone a 2nd chance but nowadays I prefer to get some type of recognition that they KNOW they did the wrong thing. An apology perhaps? Nah, I doubt this "friend" has done any of that.

About J... I'm not sure about this guy either. To ghost you after quite a while texting... and more... when you've said you've been trying to get answers over text but he's "just ignoring" you?
I saw this meme I took a screenshot of and it could be JUST what you need to know... (IDK, it also seems a bit tough for a teenager but you seem really kind and really wise so..)

Things everyone needs to come to terms with:
~ No response is a response.

~ If they wanted to, they would.
~ Not everyone has the same heart as you.

If you had only texted ONCE, he may not have seen it, IDK. But repeated texts is a bit... you get it.

Also as I tell all my teenagers... never put all your eggs in one basket.

Focusing on YOU, your training, your education, your NEW friends!
Not in that order... is very conducive to a great life.
Love EMxxxx

Re: Struggling with relationships

dirtbiker — Fri, 05 Aug 2022 10:38:22 GMT

Hey ecomama,

Thank you so much for your advice xx. Hahaha yeah thanks I wasn’t sure what my name should be and seeing as though I ride dirt bikes and have for a few years I thought that would be a good name.

I can say I’ve seen that quote before, and I totally agree it is a bit tough but I definitely see the point!

Thanks for that compliment xx

Thank you for sharing that meme, It was definitely something I needed to hear.

yeah that’s exactly right and he has definitely seen some of my messages as I did send a few.

Thank you heaps, I loved hearing your advice and knowledge, and look forward to hearing back from you soon. Would love to talk more with you xx.

Re: Struggling with relationships

ecomama — Fri, 05 Aug 2022 11:23:06 GMT

Hey dirtbiker, you sound SO COOL! lol riding dirt bikes for years, continuing with your education, training for something - please tell us what you train for, is it running?

Oh and joining the forums OF COURSE lol.

Simply asking older people about their experiences similar to yours is a really smart thing to do.
Sure we all have our own lessons to learn and could make certain decisions opposing advice, that's okay too.

Following your instincts is THE best advice I have for you.
Trusting your gut instincts is a learned thing some times but our intuition is real and powerful.

You know your "friend" did a real dirty thing. Your feelings of betrayal are real here. I Pray you don't experience more of this over your life time.
She showed you parts of that weirdness previously. Over time you'll see her doing more weird things, from a distance I hope!

Also some times, when we're more mature or more emotionally intelligent than our peers, we can feel this.
Please don't pitch to their level.

THANK YOU for giving us the she / her pronoun to use. My teens have given me quite a few educational talks about this. It's USEFUL!

Love EM

Re: Struggling with relationships

dirtbiker — Fri, 05 Aug 2022 21:43:07 GMT

Hey ecomama,

Thank you so much xx. Hahaha yeah thanks, I’ve been riding since I was 5 but had hopped on bikes since 3 because my dad rides and my older brother. Thank you for your questions and your interest. It is not running however I would like to start running. I play tennis and train twice a week. I would like to take it more seriously and hopefully become a professional player or something however I doubt I’ll make it and I have no support behind me.

Thank you for that advice I think that will help me far in life.

Yeah it was a very dirty thing and than she pretends like she Doesn’t know what she did. I’ve already started seeing her doing weird things from a distance lol.

I just thought if I’d give you those pronouns as it might help to understand my situation more knowing that I’m a girl that likes a boy etc.

You’ve mentioned before about your teens. I hope you don’t mind me asking but are you a teacher or something or do you just have several teen children? You seem very knowledgeable about teens and have a lot of advice to give.

I’d love to hear more about your experiences and advice. Thanks heaps xx.

Re: Struggling with relationships

dirtbiker — Mon, 08 Aug 2022 08:17:03 GMT

Hey ecomama and others

I’m struggling with this situation even more now as there’s a new guy on the scene so to speak. If anyone would mind spending a few minutes to talk about this updated situation I’d be happy.
thank you everyone

Re: Struggling with relationships

ecomama — Mon, 08 Aug 2022 12:31:32 GMT

Hi dirtbiker, there's another guy you're interested in? AWESOME lol. Go ahead, knock yourself out, we're listening.

NICE! Training in ANY type of Sport is such a great thing to do. Such discipline, that's awesome.

Lol a teacher? Ewww so close. I've done a few degrees and work in an Allied area to education, families, psychology, FACS, sometimes Police sadly, children, teens, special needs...

Yes several teens at home.
Plus a few adult children out of home.
I'm a Nana too.

I've studied Child Development amongst other things for over 40y now. Helped my Aunties raise their children since I could walk it seems. Helped my FRIENDS with their children and teens omg (those are doozies)!
I've probably "seen it all"... I hope I have 🤔.

TONIGHT, on a Monday night there are 11 teenagers in our abode (I think).
Our home is a magnet for teens.
I only had 3 come up and talk to me about their problems tonight. Quiet night!
My kids are so used to their friends coming over and saying "Is your mum home? (lol) I'll go see her first then come back down to play Mario Cart (or whatever they're into tonight)..."

We've had so many teens move in with no where to live (😢) that's sad.

So what's happening?

Love EMxxxx

Re: Struggling with relationships

dirtbiker — Tue, 09 Aug 2022 02:18:00 GMT

Hey ecomama,

Once again thank you so much for being here for me to speak to. I really appreciate you spending your time to listen to a stupid, helpless teen girl that has no hope for anything later in life.

Aww wow looks like you have a lot of knowledge! Congratulations, how many grandkids do you have? Wow you definitely have a full house! That is so nice of you to offer people a place to sleep, its so unfortunate that they where homeless but it's so kind of you to help all these teenagers and young adults out. Hahaha I wish I had someone like you to speak to in person, all the teens in your house are so lucky to have such a kind soul to talk too etc. I wish I had a caregiver like you, they are very lucky to safely be able to talk to you and hear your knowledge and advice. Good on you for helping these people out even if they don't always show you appreciation I can promise you they appreciate your help.

Ok well I still like J and haven't completely moved over him and I don't think I ever will. A part of me believes He'll always hold a special part in my heart however there's no future with us so I need to move and get over him. There's this other guy (H) who I met around the same time (2019) and my older brother used to be friends with H's older brother (our brothers are the same age). H is my age (we're born in the same year, however he's a couple months older so he's in the same grade as J (the grade above mine). H is in my pc class which is like a home room you go every morning to get the role marked etc and is where your locker is. H has shown interest, however I don't know if it's fair on him to get together etc. H also rides dirtbikes last time i went to his house he had the same bike as me! We have several shared interests plus he's showing interest in me so there's more hope than J. However i just don't know what to do. His ex is also really rude and mean to him so I'd hate to know what she'd do to his future gf. However love isn't easy and if there was no challenge i guess it wouldn't be real love so to speak, idk what I'm saying but I hope you get what I'm trying to say.

Looking forward to hearing back from you soon and once again thank you SO, SO much I really do appreciate your support and I hope you understand that.

Re: Struggling with relationships

ecomama — Tue, 09 Aug 2022 08:35:36 GMT

Hey dirtbiker, you are a SENSIBLE girl!
From what I see you have going on, you have a GREAT AND AWESOME future ahead of you!
Eww that hurt my tummy hearing you speak like that about yourself. We need to change that self talk please!

Please?

I think H has this going for him - he has the same bikes as YOU!
I'm serious lol.
So many great friendships are forged from common interests.
I truly think common interests or shared GOALS are what make a long term relationship, a HAPPY one.

It's terrible that H's exgf treated him badly.
You don't need to consider the ex in the equation, if she is absolutely an "ex"?
If the ex is still in the picture with some tooing & froing, I'd steer clear tbh.

But if H is clearly single, then you could always approach him with a view of becoming friends.
Riding your bikes together would be fun!

This time spent together will give you some time to "sum him up" / see if you like him more.
If there are any "red flags" (for a GF) then this time also gives you the opportunity to keep things in the friends zone.
"Friends Zone" also helps both of you keep things real. Being authentic and simply yourselves. Much more comfortable scenario imho.

It took me a LONG time to learn about how some teenage boys might think... you show interest and they might think all sorts.
Stating clearly "Would you like to go riding our bikes together some time? AS FRIENDS?" helps.

What do you think?

Love EMxxxx

Re: Struggling with relationships

dirtbiker — Tue, 09 Aug 2022 22:26:41 GMT

Hey ecomama!
Thank you so much that’s the nicest compliment I’ve ever received 😃.

Ok I’ll try and work on my self talk xxx.

Yeah I totally agree, there is a lot of potential there. He does have it going for him I’ll admit that hahaha. Yeah that’s exactly right and I mean with J we didn’t have many common interests so it wouldn’t have been a long lasting relationship anyway I guess.

Yeah after he broke up with her she has been really nasty to him and vandalizing his locker, stealing his things etc. Oh yeah she is totally out of the picture he would never get back with her after what she’s done. Yeah it there was tooing and froing I’d stay away as well but there is none of that so.

For now I think that would be the best and I’d love to be friends with him and than who knows what the future holds after being friends it may even develop into something more. Who knows! And I’ve been in search of a guy friend or friends anyway because I used to hang out with guys, I get along better and they understand me better! Plus I could talk about dirt bikes lol something most girls don’t understand. Whenever I talk about dirt bikes they think I’m weird but H would think it’s normal so that would be good.

I think the first move I’d make would be getting his number to talk more however I don’t know how to ask him to ensure he knows it’s from a friends perspective so to speak. As like you said many teen boys just assume your asking and want ti get together etc. So I’m not sure how I’d ask.

I love that sentence about asking him to ride our bikes however I was not talking about push bikes I was talking about dirt bikes. We’re both into dirt bikes, he Doesn't ride a push bike I don’t believe otherwise that would have been perfect. But if we where to going dirtbikeing together we’d have to have our parents with us etc. it would have been perfect if our older brothers where still friends but unfortunately they are no longer friends but they don’t hate each other or anything either it’s just as they both got girl friends they drifted apart.

Re: Struggling with relationships

ecomama — Wed, 10 Aug 2022 07:14:56 GMT

My pleasure dirtbiker, hugs.

Yeah I meant asking him to go riding dirt bikes together. I didn't think about the parents needing to be there lol.
That could be okay maybe?

About asking him for his number, you could always push the "as friends" in there somewhere.

Have you EVER spoken with each other, like even in classes or anything?

I'm so old lol, when we were at High School, there wasn't any type of technology communication except for landline phones and every call was "expensive" to our parents, so most of the time we didn't bother asking to call our friends. We just spoke to each other, everyone spoke with just about everyone. I did anyway.
Although I realise that after staying friends with our whole High School group (we meet up minimum once a year)... that I was atypical. Not typical. Hmmm.

I guess if you have anxiety about approaching him to talk or ask him anything... you could see it like this.
a) he could say "Sure I'll put my number in your phone" OR
b) he could say "No thanks" lol.

Sure he could say Why do you want my number?... because I do. Is that okay? (That's me speaking lol)

OR because we both love dirt bikes and I'd like to hang out some time as friends. What do you think?

IDK I can hear your anxiety over this, There was only ONE person who I became mute when he spoke to me lol... I thought he was BEAUTIFUL. Anyway we got married and divorced. He wasn't "all that" anyway lol.

Love EM

Re: Struggling with relationships

dirtbiker — Wed, 10 Aug 2022 09:54:14 GMT

Hey eco mama, thanks for getting back to me I love hearing from you it’s the highlight of my day lol!

yeah I did think you meant that, well our families actually have a bit of history as my brother was friends with his brother and our parents where friends so it wouldn’t be that bad.

We’ve BRIEFLY spoken to each other and when I say that I mean that! We’ve had minimal contact, we haven’t talked much at all. However I was talking to my friend in pc and than he just butted into our conversation and answered my question. And than he’s answered a few other questions I’ve asked him time to time. He’s not in any of my classes as he’s in the grade above me which may pose an issue but anyway. He’s in my pc class which is a ten minute class we have every morning to mark the role and is where our lockers are, pc is like home room btw, if you where wondering.

Hahaha yeah I actually kind of wish it was like I mean you know what happened with my ex best friend how she spoke to my crush (J) over social media as I don’t have social media. However I did use technology to get J’s number because I emailed him and just asked him for it and to be friends, however I can’t do that because I don’t have H’s email.

Yeah exactly the worst thing that might happen is I feel embarrassed because he rejects the offer but tbh I think he would give me his number the only problem is I don’t have a phone but I can still text him from my iPad if I get his number.

Yeah now I know what I want to say and in my head it’s perfect lol but it’s just finding the right time etc. However I’m going to do it soon, very soon because with the recent death of my cousin who’s live got taken way too soon from a silly decision I’ve learnt that life is too short and in a moment anything and everything changes and that’s just Life.

Yeah that’s like me with him and I’ve never gone mute with anyone else. I’m sorry to hear about that 😢.

Re: Struggling with relationships

ecomama — Thu, 11 Aug 2022 05:53:15 GMT

Hi dirtbiker, that's a lovely thing to say about being here and getting a message being the highlight of your day, hugs!

It's a great space to get any thing off your mind and into print. No one actually knows us so that's a good thing. Also the Mods check all posts which gives a safe feeling.

I'm so sorry to hear about your cousin, how sad. My deepest sympathies for your loss.
as horrible as this is, I'm really happy to hear your attitude about it in reaction to your life.
These shocking events can make us "take stock" if you like, and even make very different decisions or promises to ourselves.
You are so correct there, when you see an opportunity, seize it!

I giggled a little to myself when you said H butted in and answered a question.
My first reaction was, "then have lots of questions!" lol. Pretty hard to create this scenario, but you could get really creative!

About any embarrassment, usually the only person who feels or even remembers the embarrassment is US.
Others may see us as very brave at the time and forget about why they see that in us.
You're a brave person, so just go for it.

Love EMxxxx

Re: Struggling with relationships

dirtbiker — Thu, 11 Aug 2022 06:06:34 GMT

Hey ecomama I hope you had a lovely day today. I did sports today and I had to catch an hour bus and guess who happened to be on the bus sitting right near me and looking at me. (H!) It was so much fun and I needed a pen to write something and I asked him and his friend but it was more directed at him and he went in his bag and got me a pen and was totally call with it. And than someone was airdropping him and he showed his phone and asked me if I knew who it was. I was talking to my friend about primary schools and than he was listening into our conversation and than said the initials of our primary school and than I was like oh yeah I forgot you went to my primary, even though I didn’t lol and he kinda looked sad ngl and than he’s like so did and said my brothers name and than I was like who’s that, I’ve never met them like just joking around with him and than he smiled at me and stuff. It was so fun. Sorry I probably sound so dumb that I’m excited over a guy talking to me. However I kind of stuffed the conversation up because I than brought up his ex lol. I so want to ask him for his number but I don’t know how to because i never see him alone.

Re: Struggling with relationships

dirtbiker — Fri, 12 Aug 2022 09:19:39 GMT

Hi everyone,

sorry about my last post. I was just really excited and wanted to tell someone what happened. And I just needed to get that off my mind but the thing was it wasn’t that great tbh.

H is always with a group of guys which honestly I find quite imitating. Plus I heard him saying to one of his friends that liked another kid in my grade that it would be so messed up if they dated etc just because there a grade apart. I really want to get his number and I honestly was going to ask him today but I didn’t see him in the morning like I usually do and when I saw him at lunch he was with all his friends. How should I ask him when he’s with a big group of guys that I don’t know.

Re: Struggling with relationships

dirtbiker — Wed, 17 Aug 2022 09:07:19 GMT

Hi everyone!

UPDATE!!!
I unfortunately still don’t have H’s number but I AM going to ask it’s just he’s been away for this week so I haven’t had the opportunity.

I’m feeling very lonely because I don’t have many friends and I’m feeling disconnected and that I’m missing out as I don’t have social media. All of my classmates and peers all have snap chat and one of the girls where talking about that there snapping H. I’m kinda jealous tbh. And I just really want someone to talk to and listen.