topic Disclosure of Disorder to Obtain a Friend in Relationship and family issues

Disclosure of Disorder to Obtain a Friend

P12 — Wed, 27 Jul 2022 10:49:22 GMT

I received a suggestion to create a separate discussion after my main discussion has apparently not initiated discussion with other than one other member over the past few months.

I would like to ask if anyone may share their experience disclosing a mental health disorder to others?

I was advised by a psychologist that I would be more successful at making friends if I told prospective friends in advance that I apparently had a disorder. Otherwise they would think I was stupid or expend great effort trying to understand me but fail and give up.

However, since trying this technique, those I have informed have stopped communicating with me. I believe I made more progress feigning a personality. However, this is apparently also unsuccessful as I haven't made a friend either way.

Thank you.

Re: Disclosure of Disorder to Obtain a Friend

geoff — Wed, 27 Jul 2022 17:18:34 GMT

Hello P12, thanks for posting your comment.

We believe we have many 'friends' but usually they are acquaintances and have only one or two close friends, even so as soon as you start talking about any MI you may be suffering from they don't know what to say, or perhaps offer you suggestions, but you try them and nothing helps, so when this does happen, these 'friends/acquaintances' decide that's it's better if they detach themselves from you and disappear making no contact with you, this is what really hurts, because you were always there for them, when they wanted you to help them.

A friend will say to you, hey, you don't seem to be yourself later, is there anything wrong or can I help you, sometimes this can open the door for you to communicate, because with this disorder it won't be fixed straight away but over time, as some days may be better than yesterday, but other days will be worse.

Normally people who want to stay in touch with you may have been through something like this themselves or perhaps struggled with their parents suffering from a MI and have some idea of what you are suffering from.

With me only one friend (couple) were still interested in seeing me, people I'd known for a long time and yes, there were times when we all laughed, but this didn't mean my depression had gone, it was still with me.

You do tend to make other friends because your life changes, but with whom, well it just eventuates that way and how it's done is all up to you, but if I can suggest, if you don't like what your psychologist has said, then tell them, because that's exactly what they need to know, otherwise you can try with someone else.

Please get back to us.

Geoff.

Life Member.

Re: Disclosure of Disorder to Obtain a Friend

Doolhof — Wed, 27 Jul 2022 20:50:28 GMT

Hi P12,

This is a really interesting issue to consider. To disclose or not and how much to tell a person may vary with each encounter you have.

I would like to encourage you to be yourself in all encounters with other people. From my own experience I know mental health issues can flare up and make relationships difficult or confusing at times.

There may be an opportunity in a relationship to explain to the other person you have a mental health condition. Some people may shy away from that, others may be curious or even talk about their own mental health journey.

I was told by some members of a Church I attend that I had no right to inflict my depression upon anyone else and the Church was not the place to show negative emotions. (Good thing I don't attend Church to listen to them, but to seek God's love and wisdom)

In that same Church are some lovely women who have been very concerned about my depression and invited me to join them for a coffee recently. One even said if I had not gone to them, they would have come to me if I liked it or not.

My point is, not everyone understands mental health issues. Yes it may be helpful to let people know, but maybe saying Hi I am P12 and I suffer from " " might be a conversation to have further down the track.

I hope others join in this conversation as I am sure many of us have encountered this same issue.

Regards form Dools

Re: Disclosure of Disorder to Obtain a Friend

P12 — Sat, 30 Jul 2022 02:10:32 GMT

Hi Geoff.

I appreciate your reply.

I think the main opinion you were trying to give is that life is very random in regard to making a friend. Is this correct?

I am interested to know more about your experience. In your final paragraph you said only one friend remained after you revealed your mental illness. Does this mean you had more friends before you realised you had a mental illness and also didn't gain any new ones after you realised?

I am also curious about your sentence "... how it's done is all up to you ...". Do you mean that effort can make someone gain a friend. I am curious because this is a little different to what I interpret as your main message.

I don't mean to be disrespectful. I am trying to understand better.

Re: Disclosure of Disorder to Obtain a Friend

P12 — Sat, 30 Jul 2022 02:32:56 GMT

Hi Doolhof.

I appreciate your reply.

I think you are suggesting that I act as naturally as I can, and that disclosing a mental illness is generally not a natural act. Is this correct?

I think my opinion is closer to yours than the strategy suggested by my psychologist. I feel it is more likely that I will make a friend by not disclosing an illness. However, I remain confused about how I can actually make a human friend. I made great friends with the natural world and God, this made me an outsider among other humans, who imposed bullying and exclusion on me, which caused me great distress, which caused me to attempt to act as society wanted, which caused me to try to make a human friend, who didn't want to friend me, which made me an outsider, ....

Re: Disclosure of Disorder to Obtain a Friend

Guest_1584 — Sat, 30 Jul 2022 11:22:44 GMT

Hi op , hope your doing ok.

No expert but in my experience nah , it's not even worth trying to get into things with most people , most won't understand anyway or even wanna know. Me l only ever discuss anything with the very few people l'm genuinely close to and then not too deeply unless they actually want to get into it and most prefer a quick skim. l do agree with just being you though , it just doesn't have to mean every detail but on the other hand though l suppose if it was every detail those that can't handle it weren't the friend you thought anyway- could be a way of like weeding the garden out haha.

One thing though and it is very rare in life we come across it but it does happen. A rare few actually like you being different and not all rosy 24 7 , they have stuff to and it's a relief to be around somebody that actually admits they aren't perfect or feeling perfect either. Maybe you'll meet somebody as special as that to one day.

Good luck with everything.

Re: Disclosure of Disorder to Obtain a Friend

livi_mivi — Sun, 31 Jul 2022 05:58:34 GMT

Hey P12,

I'm glad you reached back out and thank you for sharing your experiences! It can definitely be intimidating and difficult to make friendships with other individuals, especially when your mental health condition may at times impact your ability to socialise.

I think there will be people that don't understand mental health conditions but are willing to learn and others that don't care to understand it either. It's completely up to you on whether or not you feel comfortable disclosing your condition and what point that might occur at. For some people, they might be really open and receptive early on and that might make you feel comfortable to talk to them about it. For others, it might be a more gradual type of disclosure or discussing how your condition affects you rather than what it is. I've personally disclosed my condition with close friends of mine when I find that it might affect aspects of our relationships with one another or just need someone to reach out to. Regardless, they've all been pretty great with listening to me and being understanding/wanting to learn more about it. There were a few that didn't react in the way that I had expected them to or didn't seem to care. We drifted but I was okay with that because I had people I knew that I could count on and that cared about me. There are other people in my life that I wouldn't tell because I don't feel like I could talk to them about it or we might not be at a level that I feel comfortable talking to them about it. Either way, it got very exhausting trying to uphold a certain persona all of the time so having those few people that I could be 100% authentic around were so great for me. I really hope that you can find a way that works for you and make some great connections. All the best 😀

I think it might be worthwhile talking to your psychologist about a different way to approach these conversations if you find you aren't having much luck. You might even want to think of some examples to go over with your psychologist to get some advice.

Re: Disclosure of Disorder to Obtain a Friend

geoff — Sun, 31 Jul 2022 16:11:34 GMT

Hello P12, we tend to develop new friends differently than we once did, because our personality has changed and MI causes this to happen.

Before I suffered from this illness, my group of friends was widely distributed but as I began to suffer many of these people slowly disappeared, they weren't sure what they should say or had no idea of how to cope when I was struggling, so they vanished.

Well ' how it's done is all up to you', what I mean by this, is that when you suffer from MI you tend to not want to try and make friends because of past experience, but people can connect with you in a different way and not the usual way as before, perhaps they too have experienced MI themselves or had a friend/family member go through it and can read exactly what you are going through, even though you may try and hide it, but a once depressed person can identify it in someone else, usually straight away so a connection can be made.

The couple who remained friends, we had known before either of us had kids, so it was a long friendship where we had helped one another through many good and bad situations.

You are not being disrespectful at all and please ask any question you want.

Geoff.

Life Member.

Re: Disclosure of Disorder to Obtain a Friend

Doolhof — Tue, 02 Aug 2022 09:01:35 GMT

Hi P12,

I find that forming relationships can be tricky at times. It seems we are able to get along with some people easily while it can be hard work to form connections with others.

I was more referring to just trying to be yourself. If that means allowing people to see, to know about, to acknowledge you have a mental health situation in your life, then it depends on the individual how they react to you.

As a person who believes in God myself, I too have experienced rejection from people, especially if I state some of my beliefs. I do try to accept all people's beliefs and the truths they acknowledge and accept. It is not for me to change people and would like others to respect I may have a different view on life to them.

I sometimes find it helps to ask another person about themselves, that can open up conversation more easily.

For me, Covid has made socialising more difficult. I work with vulnerable people so am cautious about where I go to interact with people.

You mentioned you like nature, is there a walking group you could join? A group that looks after a park or conservation area? Of course that will all depend on where you live.

The psychologist may have felt that a certain level of disclosure about your health status may have assisted people to better understand and accept you perhaps. That may work well in some areas of life. Some people just don't understand mental health issues though unfortunately.

It is enlightening to have this conversation with you! I hope sharing what you are comfortable with here is helping you as well. Please know I am responding with my own experiences, everyone's journey with mental health issues is different!

Re: Disclosure of Disorder to Obtain a Friend

Karen0901 — Tue, 02 Aug 2022 15:51:09 GMT

Hi.

Sorry to hear you are struggling with making friends. That can be lonely.

I never tell people I have a mental illness unless I am very close to them. People usually don't understand or don't want to know. I have had a strong friendship dift away after I tried to tell them about some of my experiences. It seems to make people uncomfortable. They can also be very judgemental.

The time you need to tell people is when your mental illness becomes obvious in some way and will effect your friendship or the situation if the information is not shared. You could/should also share it if, they also have a mental illness as they will likely understand and when you are making a romantic relationship serious.

Re: Disclosure of Disorder to Obtain a Friend

P12 — Wed, 04 Jan 2023 03:52:05 GMT

After several more experiences, I can now conclude that it is almost always better to not reveal a mental illness to others. Not only do most people not understand the circumstances you are referring to, but many seem to perceive of you as an abnormal person. In my experience this is not normally intentional, but it is part of human nature to avoid abnormal people. Therefore the necessary strategy seems to be to try to maintain a facade when interacting with others, to speak to yourself, to speak with God, to speak to mental illness practitioners, and to use forums and support groups.

Re: Disclosure of Disorder to Obtain a Friend

Ggrand — Thu, 05 Jan 2023 00:28:09 GMT

Hello Dear P12,

I have only one true friend in real life…I didn’t tell her about my mental health at all, she found out when I was in a fairly bad way and ended up in a mental health ward….When my friend found out, she stayed by my side…I don’t talk to her about my mental health, I don’t want to burden her with my mental health issues….When I am visiting her or at work with her, I want to just enjoy those times the best I can….and we do…

My work, (volunteer work)..after a couple of small “breakdowns”….crying in the rest room, I disclosed to my boss that I have mental health issues, this was after a couple of years, he was very understanding about it…told me that he is happy with me and my work, if I need a break anytime that it was okay…look after you first…Since that day I told him, my mental health hasn’t been spoken about since…I do what I can as best I can on the days I’m working..my work colleagues also know about my mental health now and they are all accepting of me…..I don’t want to be and they don’t treat me any differently then anyone else….

I think what I’m trying to say is that, long time friends who grow to love us as we are, will more then not accept our mental health…if we feel we need to tell them, at anytime…I think it’s important to try not to use them in a supportive way…not to constantly talk about our mental health with them, because they are not counsellors, not professionals they are our friends, friends we need that bring and keep us in the here and now, when we are out enjoying our time with them….

I use these forums for support, as well as my Dr…because I want and need my friend..to be just that…a friend that when I’m with her, I can escape into another mind frame and give my dark thoughts a back seat for a few hours..

My kindest thoughts Dear P12..

Grandy..

Re: Disclosure of Disorder to Obtain a Friend

P12 — Sun, 07 May 2023 02:19:51 GMT

If I may change the direction of this thread slightly I would be interested to know others' thoughts about a related question.

It seems to me that (in theory) there are two strategies to try to get people to spend time with you and to form a connection with them.

1. Organise and advertise social events to a large number of (random) people. The hope is that probabilistically some will find those interesting and join. And that some people are more likely to join a large group activity than small group activity.

2. Focus on one person and ask them directly whether they will spend time with you. The hope is that they will sense a feeling of empathy and compassion and agree. And during the activity there is more opportunity for them to negotiate and express their views because they only need to pursuade one person.

In my life I have found Strategy 1 more promising but because I still lack a connection I am curious whether I am doing something wrong and whether someone is willing to give me advice.

Thank you.

Re: Disclosure of Disorder to Obtain a Friend

Karen0901 — Mon, 08 May 2023 12:48:35 GMT

I'm not good at making friends. However, I think that developing a friendship is more likely to happen in a one on one situation. First you need to become friendly then once you both establish you enjoy being around the other person, to our can ask them to go to an event you both may enjoy. If this goes well, then a friendship can form.

Re: Disclosure of Disorder to Obtain a Friend

P12 — Wed, 17 May 2023 21:18:30 GMT

I appreciate your insights Karen0901. How do I find someone willing to speak with me one on one an long enough so that I can follow your suggestion?

Re: Disclosure of Disorder to Obtain a Friend

P12 — Tue, 26 Mar 2024 20:24:20 GMT

I feel pretty nervous, emotional, and psychologically unstable at the moment. I experienced something of a breakdown a few days ago. (Though I think it is mild compared to some people.)

I am thinking of telling someone about my mental disorder. I am hoping it might help me accept myself, help me explain why I behave as I do and have difficulty communicating with them as I would like, and by showing courage it might stengthen our connection.

I have known the person for five years. They are the closest I have to a friend at the moment. From what I can guess they probably haven't experienced mental distress to the same extent, but they are more considerate than most I have met, and they do work in a disability industry. They are a bit more socially aware and rational than me; they might already know about me.

I have been considering it for a while. I felt I was close to revealing it four months ago but I guess I wasn't courageous enough or I felt the timing was wrong at the time.

However, I am also worried about how they will react and that it might worsen our connection. My breakdown was partly due to something I heard about them which made me jealous and felt our connection was a bit strained. I am worried I might be overreacting to it.

I am also thinking of trying to get a more formal diagnosis of my condition, and I could use this to phrase my disclosure.

I will be seeing them in three weeks... "Hi _, I want to tell you something which makes me nervous. I am thinking of trying to get diagnosed with _. I have known about it for seven years. I don't know if you care, I just thought you might understand and it might explain why I seem a bit strange sometimes..."

Re: Disclosure of Disorder to Obtain a Friend

P12 — Wed, 27 Mar 2024 07:37:17 GMT

Thank you @livi_mivi. I re-read your post from 31-07-2022 and it helped me. I think it is an excellent post.

Re: Disclosure of Disorder to Obtain a Friend

P12 — Thu, 04 Apr 2024 09:39:14 GMT

Depending on how my disclosure is received, I was thinking I could add the following:

... "Do you remember the first time we met when I asked you if you could delay your [activity] by fifteen minutes so I could attend, and later in the day when I took my shirt off because it was hot? I guess you probably thought I was strange, because I know now that most people don't do that. Most people I meet get to that point and conclude I am strange and stop communicating with me. But you are different..."

Re: Disclosure of Disorder to Obtain a Friend

mmMekitty — Thu, 04 Apr 2024 11:09:13 GMT

Hello P12

I've read through your last few posts about wanting to talk to your friend about the mental disorder you may have. I think a diagnosis could be helpful. It could give you some some words which summerise your mental health condition, making it easier to tell your friend without having to explain in many more words how you think, feel & how you relate to the world & the difficulties you have with relationships. Having a diagnosis could also help you get to services & support which are available to people with your condition.

However, having a diagnosis could also feel too narrow a description of who you are, like putting a fence around you so you feel restricted to thinking you are your diagnosis & not much more. Of-course, you are far more than any diagnosis. You are a whole complex human being. So, be careful that you don't let any diagnosis become the only way you or anyone defines you.

I like how you have thought about what you want to say to your friend.

I think sitting down together with a coffee or something would help make the discussion more comfortable.

Try to not blurt out everything all at once. Give your friend time to listen & understand what you are saying. Give them time to ask questions, or to simply clarify what you have said.

Are there questions you think your friend might ask? Maybe your friend will want to know more about your diagnosis. Maybe your friend will want to know how they could help you. You might think of more questions your friend might ask.

When you first speak to your friend, they might not have any questions at that meeting.

You have been thinking about this for a while now. Your friend is only just learning this about you. Give them time to think about what you have said. Let them know, if they want, they can ask you questions later.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

Re: Disclosure of Disorder to Obtain a Friend

P12 — Sat, 06 Apr 2024 09:19:02 GMT

Good evening mmMekitty,

I value your encouragement and advice because I can see you are more experienced in this skillset than me.

I think I have decided to obtain a diagnosis to try to achieve self-acceptance. I won't have it for at least four months, and I would like to tell her when we meet in two weeks. I guess the timing could different, but it is just how things have eventuated. My feelings and instinct tell me now is the right time to share the news. I believe in faith and hope she will interpret it positively but I am of course naturally anxious about the result. I guess I can only try, and I must accept either outcome.

I suppose I am slow in building courage to disclose because it is part of who I am. I believe that honest people will respect my differences.

I will share my news as timely, thoughtfully, and considerately as I know how. I will speak slowly and use as much eye contact as I can.

It's hard for me to predict how she will respond. If I had to guess I think she might be quiet. If think she is a contemplative person like me.

I agree with all of your other points.

I will pray over the next two weeks that it goes well, and regardless that the outcome is honest.