topic Re: Dear Jolteon Thunder, Firstly, let us join Geoff in wel... in Relationship and family issues

Sexless Marriage - My husband has no sex drive

Jolteon_Thunder — Sun, 17 Jul 2022 15:07:57 GMT

Since being married (about 2 years) we have had sex around 5-10 times. Most of which was during the honeymoon. I haven't had sex for about a year. He says it's him but it's getting hard to believe.

He says he's self-concious. I do everything to reassure him. I'm desperately sick of being rejected. I look after myself and am quite fit, but I feel so ugly at this point. I just want to know if there's other women who are facing the same issue.

Re: Sexless Marriage - My husband has no sex drive

geoff — Sun, 17 Jul 2022 15:55:36 GMT

Hello JT, I'm so sorry about this, but please you should never feel as though you are ugly and I'm sure there are a million questions going through your mind, trying to understand why, but not being able to have any answers to these, but may only make your situation worse.

The reason you feel rejected may have nothing to do with you because there are many questions that come to mind, but I don't want to cause any triggers before you can open up a little more.

I know this is difficult, but we are here to help you in every way possible.

Geoff.

Life Member.

Dear Jolteon Thunder, Firstly, let us join Geoff in wel...

Sophie_M — Sun, 17 Jul 2022 17:20:30 GMT

Dear Jolteon Thunder,

Firstly, let us join Geoff in welcoming you to the forums. We are so glad that you found your way to this supportive and welcoming community. Please feel free to express yourself and your concerns openly and without fear of judgement as this is a safe space.

As stated by Geoff we would love for you to share more of your experience if you feel comfortable. It sounds like you have tried discussing your concerns with your partner, are they aware of how this is making you feel? And how this is affecting how you feel about yourself?

If at any point you need to reach out, we are always here for you. Please remember if you feel you need to talk through how you are feeling or honestly do just need a chat, please contact Beyond Blue either via phone 1300 22 4636 or through Beyond Blue Online Chat.

Thank you for trusting our supportive community and sharing your experiences, we hope you find the shared insights and advice of our members helpful.

Warm regards
Sophie M

Re: Dear Jolteon Thunder, Firstly, let us join Geoff in wel...

Jolteon_Thunder — Sun, 17 Jul 2022 23:57:52 GMT

he knows how I feel and we have discussed it many times. He will set a time like "give me 1 month to eat healthy" and then that time will come and everything is the same.

We love eachother dearly but I don't understand how his body image can have that much of an affect on him.

Re: Dear Jolteon Thunder, Firstly, let us join Geoff in wel...

thetamind — Tue, 19 Jul 2022 09:33:00 GMT

I’m going through same phase . Haven’t had intimacy with my wife for 8 months. And tried lots of things from my end and constant rejection proved detrimental for my self worth and now i have stopped trying as i feel like I’m pushing her hard. In our case, its absence of emotional connection from her part. I’m not perfect but there comes a point when one could only try to certain extent.

Re: Dear Jolteon Thunder, Firstly, let us join Geoff in wel...

ecomama — Tue, 19 Jul 2022 12:45:11 GMT

Hi JT, welcome.

Your husband's issues seem far more deep rooted than you can "fix". Truth is, it's up to HIM to seek support from any avenues he can IF he wants to show he's working on the marriage.

You seem like a very supportive and patient spouse.

It could be "Family Of Origin" issues, which a MH professional could help with.
Also marriage Counselling could help both of you together and each of you apart.

My own experiences with this issue revealed far gloomier reasons. One was that he was having multiple affairs. The other was that he was homosexual, still in the closet.
I ended both relationships either when I found out or when I was fed up, with more truths being revealed after the end of both relationships. There were online viewing material addictions with both men.

Your situation is neither fair nor loving. Making promises only to repeatedly break them, isn't grounds for a good marriage. You're feeling the consequences.

I'd book a session with a marriage Counsellor, let him know the date and time and if he doesn't turn up, then use that session for yourself.

You need to get this moving one way or the other.

Love EM

Re: Dear Jolteon Thunder, Firstly, let us join Geoff in wel...

geoff — Tue, 19 Jul 2022 17:28:57 GMT

Hello thetamind, it is very difficult when faced with this particular situation, because if you try and raise the topic for discussion, the end result could go either way and even if it does happen, then you may only feel as it's being done just to satisfy you, on the contrary, you may not enjoy it at all.

So how do you approach this, if you go to couple counselling then the end result may only be like I've just mentioned, so perhaps if you could ask her to go to a counsellor by herself, then this can openly be discussed, then you might notice a slight difference in her attitude and allow it to begin once again.

Any type of MI can then associate these problems with many other concerns she may be feeling, so they can both be linked into why this isn't happening.

Being intimate in a marriage can always be where the two of you may have other thoughts and never seem to align themselves with how you both think, and what may seem to be a perfect time could end up being a disaster, so it has always been a delicate topic to actually happening.

If she was able to see a psychologist then other problems leading to the reason why it's not happening could be discovered and talked about, which may improve your relationship.

Happy people don't seem to have any problems but as soon as one does arise then it does involve your intimacy.

Hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

Life Member.

Re: Dear Jolteon Thunder, Firstly, let us join Geoff in wel...

Jolteon_Thunder — Wed, 20 Jul 2022 12:51:01 GMT

sorry to hear that. that sounds horrible.

definitely in very different situations but thank you for sharing.

Re: Sexless Marriage - My husband has no sex drive

Jolteon_Thunder — Wed, 20 Jul 2022 13:09:28 GMT

for further understanding...

I'm asking to know if there's other women that face a dry spell with their partner.

being a stereotypically male struggle, I feel there is very little blog posts and so on with women struggling.

Let me clarify, this is not due to affairs or anything like that. Our roles can often be emotionally reversed. We are very honest with eachother and quite frankly if someone cheated (God forbid) we would simply tell the other person. I don't want to share more info as then it becomes too identifiable. But no cheating fyi...

That's one of the issues aswell...You search "wife won't have sex with me" and it's all about validation and saying it's common and normal.

You search the opposite and it's all about "signs of husband cheating"... Men can also have low sex drives ya know...

Anywho.. just looking to not feel alone. I don't need toxic advice... Believe it or not my husband would happily come to counselling with me. Not all men are toxic and riddles to be solved. My husband is my best friend (and was before we became spouses). we will go back to counselling (yes we have been before and it was his idea actually) when we can afford it and when I have time for it.

Re: Dear Jolteon Thunder, Firstly, let us join Geoff in wel...

Jolteon_Thunder — Wed, 20 Jul 2022 13:21:05 GMT

hey thetamine,

I know what you mean with not wanting to pressure someone. it's a strange position to be in - devoted to one individual being yet the one you can't have.

We both agree that we could live without sex if it's a forever struggle too. Which takes the pressure off him knowing i love him all the same. i may struggle with how i love myself haha but he's still my person and visa versa. everyone's different in what they need in a marriage though.

Re: Dear Jolteon Thunder, Firstly, let us join Geoff in wel...

geoff — Wed, 20 Jul 2022 14:36:13 GMT

Hello JT, being intimate in a marriage, is for times when the two of you really want to, because if it's done with only one person needing or wanting it, then it's not the same satisfaction.

There does come a time in life, which I never thought would happen as a youngster, where it has no strength in a marriage, the couple simply don't want to do it, and when this has been accepted, then a couple can stay married for a long time and grandchildren will give them much more pleasure.

Geoff.

Life Member.

Dear Jolteon_Thunder, Thank you for bringing up an excel...

Sophie_M — Wed, 20 Jul 2022 20:30:42 GMT

Dear Jolteon_Thunder,

Thank you for bringing up an excellent point which often confuses many people. We understand that many of the things we 'know' are actually things that society tells us must be true; whether they are true or not.

We know that sex drive, also known as libido, has been studied quite a lot around the world. Everybody has a certain level of libido, ranging from almost none to quite high. Interestingly, unlike what society believes, libido is not connected to a person's gender. in half of all hetero-sexual relationships surveyed, the male had the higher libido, and in half the female had the higher libido. However, in almost every relationship studied, one of the partners always had a higher libido than the other partner.

Again, thank you for finding the courage to contribute to discussions in our helpful and supportive community.

Warm regards,

Sophie M.

Re: Dear Jolteon Thunder, Firstly, let us join Geoff in wel...

Jo_11 — Wed, 05 Oct 2022 03:50:43 GMT

Sorry I'm no help, it's been more than 3.5 years here.

I will start another thread, because I don't want to take over this one. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone.