topic Dating again in Relationship and family issues

Dating again

bubbles85 — Wed, 17 Feb 2021 10:30:27 GMT

How do you know when your ready to date again?

I'm struggling as I know I still really love my ex but I don't think we will be getting back together (even though contact seems to have started again... long story).

I want to move on and part of me thinks trying to date may help. But I also know how I still feel about my ex so I just don't know what to do, I don't want to just use someone to work out my own feelings. And now days it's all done online which scares me, it was why I had been single for so long before my last relationship.

How have others gone with this?

Dating again

Sophie_M — Thu, 18 Feb 2021 10:11:02 GMT

Hi bubbles85,

It can be very difficult to know when to get back out on the dating scene. It can be very hard to move on from a relationship, particularly when they mean so much. It sounds like you may be greiving the loss of this relationship, although it may be a complicated situation. I understand not wanting someone around just to work out your feelings with them and online dating can be scary. It's ok to take time to get over relationships, sometimes they are difficult to process and there is no specific time limit to finish the grieving process.

Have you considered speaking with a friendly counsellor and working out your feelings with them? If you would like you could get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

It's great that you have turned to this community for support. You are not alone and we are here to help you.

Dating again

ecomama — Thu, 18 Feb 2021 11:11:59 GMT

Hey bubbles85

Those are really good questions and good concerns also IMO. You seem to have a rational head on your shoulders, which is great.

To your first question, I think you'll know when you're ready to date again.
It's probably best if you're pretty much "over" your last relationship.

You're right in saying you don't want to put it all on the next relationship. Even though it's natural to talk about previous relationships with a new partner at times.

I believe in the whole "rebound" thing.
It's not nice for the reboundee lol!

Take your time with this. Surrounding yourself with really good friends and LOTS of happy times on your own will bring yourself into a "better place".
Feeling empowered to make the RIGHT decision with the next relationship and not just "settling" is pretty important for your future happiness.

Online dating?
Well I'm completely against it lol, as others here know.

I find that DOING the things you LOVE doing, will surround you with likeminded people and from there many wonderful friendships can bloom, one might be a great match.

Still I'm sure other BB members will come in and tell you a positive story or 2 about online dating lol.

Go with your own instincts.

Best wishes
EM

Dating again

bubbles85 — Sun, 21 Feb 2021 04:22:49 GMT

Thanks to you both for your responses. I know I am definitely still grieving the relationship. It ended suddenly while I was still in love and was still seeing the future we had been talking about.

I'm trying not to rush myself so am probably not quite ready to date but know I also need to know that it is in my future

Dating again

missep123 — Sun, 21 Feb 2021 07:32:00 GMT

Hi bubbles85,

Thank you so much for being so open and for sharing what you are going through. You are not alone in how you feel.

Breakups can definitely be so difficult, and there is a grieving process. Some of my friends have found that this is a great time to focus on themselves and to 'find their light' or 'love themselves again' by doing the hobbies they enjoy doing and creating new experiences. It can be so challenging with dating but for me personally I believe that people can come into your life at the right time.

I'm definitely here for you! I look forward to hearing from you!

Dating again

bubbles85 — Wed, 14 Apr 2021 06:51:24 GMT

So i bit the bullet and downloaded a dating app and have attempted to put myself out there and I'm really unsure if I'm ready still.

Matched with someone and has a bried conversion with him yesterday and it made me feel sick with anxiety. Like I'm doing something that I shouldn't be, and it wasn't even flirty just discussing travelling. And have started to picture that it is possible that my ex is dating and it makes me feel physically sick.

Is this a sign I'm not ready, or is it just the usual anxiety around getting to know someone and letting them in?

Dating again

CalmCat — Wed, 14 Apr 2021 06:58:07 GMT

Hey bubbles85,

Thank you for sharing and being so brave!

You've done the first step in getting the app, now just try your best to connect with others, letting destiny take its course!

You sounds like an awesome person whom will meet someone amazing for sure! Good luck!

Regards,

Dating again

ecomama — Wed, 14 Apr 2021 08:28:54 GMT

Hey bubbles85

Welcome back!

It's normal to think yucky thoughts of your ex dating when you were in love with him when the split happened.
If you can, try to distract your thoughts of ex when he pops into your mind, please DO IT.

What he does now is not for you to worry about.

I'm glad you matched with someone you can talk to.

I'm not sure if it's "normal" to feel the things you do atm. Probably is since you still have feelings for ex? IDK.

Usually I know I'm ready when I get super excited about meeting someone new.

But we all have different personalities!

You don't need to put rules on how you feel.

Good luck!

EMxxxx

Dating again

james1 — Wed, 14 Apr 2021 08:34:01 GMT

Hey bubbles85,

Dating again after a break-up is always so tricky. I don't know if there ever is a 'right time', or if we can even know when that is. The most important thing is that you check in with yourself as you go, which it sounds like you are doing already, and find a new routine with friends, family and perhaps some new hobbies.

It may feel terrible and confusing, but having all these feelings and asking questions is actually a really good thing. It means you're checking in with your feelings - am I okay? Is this too quick for me? Is this even good for me? I can't claim to know what the answers are, but my own experience (current - eurgh! dating is exhausting sometimes - and past) is that if you feel bad about something, then it's worthwhile asking why. Your anxiety talking to this new person could very well be a mix of both - the anxiety of being vulnerable to a stranger, as well as the anxiety of dealing with your own past.

In my own experience, my last relationship broke down in May last year and I went about 3 months before I downloaded a dating app. But I made a decision to, largely, not use it and spend minimal time on it. Instead, I tried to focus on finding a routine again with friends and family, and getting back into reading. It was a bit tricky with covid, but I just doubled down on the reading and I'm actually really happy that I did. When I finally started dating a bit more seriously, I found it really quite emotionally draining and am really glad to have had my reading to pick me back up again.

So if I was to offer a suggestion, it would be to make sure you've got a good support network and perhaps a good routine to help you along as you experiment again with dating. It can be tricky, especially if you've been out of the dating scene for a while!

James

Dating again

bubbles85 — Wed, 14 Apr 2021 09:07:51 GMT

If I'm being totally honest with myself, i think I'm trying to date as i feel like I'm stuck in a rut. I have mentioned in another post about the breakup that i have to still see my ex. So i do know i still have feelings and still have to see him so i just feel like I'm stuck. I need to make a change and part of me hopes that meeting someone knew will make me forget about my ex.

I've also become conscious of my age, this year I'll be closer to 40 than 30 and most of my friends have found their person and are starting families. I feel left out. Not that they make me feel left.

Dating again

bubbles85 — Wed, 14 Apr 2021 09:41:37 GMT

I really think it boils down to wanting to be ready, but unsure if I am.

And now i feel weird sharing so much, I've usually been one to keep these things to myself

Dating again

ecomama — Wed, 14 Apr 2021 21:38:53 GMT

Hey bubbles85

You don't have to feel weird about sharing so much, that's what the forums are here for, to share anonymously in a "safe space"!

No one knows you. All good.

Oh I didn't realise you still have to SEE your ex.
How awkward.
I'm so sorry this is the situation.

I can understand things better now you said that.

Sure! Sometimes having a new person in our lives can distract us from the ex.
Sometimes it's just adds to the swirly mix of emotions.

You'll see how things go as you travel along this path.

Hearing a biological clock ticking is NOT fun!
My Grandmother set my clock ticking when I was 18yo! Heck, it was because I decided to go to University lol. She said I'd turn around at 55yo and say "Ooops I forgot to have children".
I did 2 more degrees after that one lol... she was not happy with me.

BUT I WAS HAPPY WITH ME.

Becoming HAPPY by doing anything and everything (safe) that flicks your switches is the key to fulfilment in life.

Happy people are incredibly attractive don't you think?
I do.

Marriage and having kids is NOT necessarily the happiness ppl may think.
It's darned hard work and alot of selflessness and altruism has to go into these pursuits.

Prep yourself for the ride!
I hope it's a HAPPY one.

Love EM

Dating again

Boudica — Wed, 14 Apr 2021 22:46:58 GMT

Hello bubbles85,

I am sorry you are in this strange place between having split with your ex, but not really being able to move on. I think there is too much pressure on people to date to prove to themselves they are over their last relationship. I had a lot of pressure from others to seek a new relationship when my last ended, and I eventually did sign up for online dating. Even though I met some people for coffee that were seemingly good people, I did not persist with it, because in all honesty, I hated it, and dreaded it, and thought it was just creepy and unnatural.

The experience made me realise two things:

1. I wasn't ready to engage in another relationship even though others thought I should and it was expected.

2. I needed to find other ways to nourish my self esteem and be happy in life and not look for another person to do this for me.

I think before launching into dating, it is important to really feel healed and happy with yourself. Do things you really enjoy that help to nourish you (for me it was hiking, but it could be anything). Join a group that aligns to your interests or hobbies, or a social group that allows you to meet new people (there are lots of interest groups on meetup ), without it having to be about dating. When you meet someone that you actually have that spark, you will know that you are truly over your ex.

Dating again

bubbles85 — Thu, 15 Apr 2021 06:00:33 GMT

Thanks everyone for the advice and for listening. I was having a bad day yesterday but have woken up today going ok. Going to be looking into more things that I can do for myself. I did take up a hobby but that fell away so will try to get back into that too. Take care of myself

Dating again

missep123 — Thu, 15 Apr 2021 09:59:39 GMT

Hi bubbles85!

Thank you for keeping us updated! Dating apps used to give me a bit of anxiety too. It can be very nervewracking, I think it's important to remember that it can be at your own pace! It can be challenging to balance being comfortable but also trying to push out of your comfort zone. Look into your hobby again sounds like a great idea! I really do believe that loving ourselves is so important.

Dating again

Guest_1584 — Mon, 19 Apr 2021 12:30:56 GMT

l'm surprised no one how long you were together and how long have you been broken up unless l missed it. These 2 things are crucial bc if your not ready and not at peace your only gonna end up hurting other people , using them basically . Us guys come across a lot of this in women when we're single and it's like well if your not even ready wth are you doing wasting everyone's time of date sites just to make yourself feel better. Sorry but so many out there do it straight out the gate.

But imo it's bad for the you too and just confuses things even more. After a divorce l waited nearly 4yrs , l just wasn't interested , still hurting and wanted to figure me out all over again , l also wanted some me time which l hadn't had in 20yrs. But around 3yrs or so l started to feel better and knew l could def be open to something knew if right person and not long after l just accidentally met someone.

l tell anyone however long it was , you need to reach that place first and be in a good place yourself , however long that takes, you'll know when it arrives and you'll just feel like getting back into living again.

Dating again

james1 — Tue, 20 Apr 2021 05:45:29 GMT

Hello bubbles85,

I'm glad to hear you are going to try and do some things for yourself. I hope that can also help you feel a little less left out even while you are single for the moment.

James

Dating again

missep123 — Thu, 22 Apr 2021 08:12:19 GMT

Hi bubbles85!

I wanted to check in and see how you were doing 🙂

Dating again

bubbles85 — Thu, 22 Apr 2021 08:46:41 GMT

I'm going fine. Decided to pause my profile for the time being, I do feel I'm not quite ready and as others have pointed out I don't want to be using anyone and then hurting them while I work through my own feelings

Dating again

missep123 — Sun, 25 Apr 2021 01:37:08 GMT

Hi bubbles85!

Thank you so much for keeping us updated!

That is completely understandable. I'm glad you are going fine! Is there anything in particular that has been helping you work through your feelings?

We are here for you!