topic Disrespect from New Husband and Step Daughter in Relationship and family issues

Disrespect from New Husband and Step Daughter

ApsaraJane — Tue, 16 Feb 2021 00:06:56 GMT

Hi. I'm newly remarried in a blended family situation. My husband has 2 adult daughters in their late 20's.

Things were great until his oldest daughter moved in with us. She is usually in some form of crisis. Her dad has always been there to get her out of trouble. She became more money for bills. Husband would just give her his credit card and she would wrack up expenses. She now owes us around $12,000 which she believes she is entitled to this money. I was not consulted on giving her money, he just tells me after he's done it. At one stage he discussed her money situation with his ex-wife, and she wanted us to give more money to his daughters. So he did, but without speaking with me.

When we moved in all together, my presence in the same room was her upsetting her and I had to leave when she was there. This is in my own home. She even did this in front of my husband, storming out of a room in tears because I happened to walk in at the same time. He asked me "what did you do to her?". There were regular tantrums about bizarre things and slights I was supposed to have done to her.

All this time I kept asking my husband to work with me to talk with her and find out what was going on. He didn't want to be involved - saying it was strictly a conflict between the two of us and he was only the meat in the sandwich. He asked me to make sure that she had her own space inside our home and I had to make sure I didn't upset her - as I was causing her depression. I told him she had to move out.

My husband just doesn't want to listen to how I feel, but conceded he thinks she has had bipolar. We have had so many arguments about how to managed this issue. He says that none of this is disrespect, let alone abuse. I am just overdramatizing his daughter's behaviors.

I think she is likely to be uBPD and they are enmeshed. They are co-dependent and enabling her behaviors by turning a blind eye.

So - where to next? We have started marriage counselling, with the counsellor telling me I have no childhood trauma triggers, I have unhelpful thinking and I need to get some CBT. He said I need to "put on my big girl pants and build a bridge". That I'm an aggressive person and my poor husband just wants a life without conflict.

Am I crazy to want to deal with the disrespect? Should I just forget the disrespect and move on? How? I honestly don't want to be married to him anymore. I want to heal from these feelings of disrespect which have resurfaced, by myself.

TIA

Disrespect from New Husband and Step Daughter

white knight — Tue, 16 Feb 2021 05:19:47 GMT

Hi, welcome

Having been in step parent situations 3 times including having a partner as a SP to my teenage daughter's, I know how you feel.

Can I divide this into two parts- your side and his based on only what you've told us.

Firstly, saying to your husband "I told him she had to move out" is like waving a red flag to a bull. You are forcing him to make an impossible decision, kick his child out.

Also, any assumptions as to anyone's mental health diagnosis is inappropriate. Unless you are a trained professional please stay clear of that.

Your counselors comment "build a bridge" in fact has merit. Your intentions as a step parent should be (IMO) to be her friend of sorts. It means breaking down barriers not reinforcing them.

Lastly, in some cases it might seem a situation is showing you disrespect but in fact is not the case.

Now to his side. I think he made big errors not consulting you on all issues. It could be he knew you'd say "no" anyway.

I don't think it was wise allowing her to live with you both.

Others here might have different views. I've been the so called "meat in the sandwich" and it is a tough gig. Ultimately if these conflicts continue he is most likely going to choose his daughter over you. That's what blood relatives do.

So to save your marriage you'll have to try a different approach involving befriending his daughter. That's tough also but necessary.

TonyWK

Disrespect from New Husband and Step Daughter

ApsaraJane — Wed, 17 Feb 2021 21:17:54 GMT

Thanks Tony

Good to get another perspective.

She had to leave for my own mental health. I'm in a really bad place at the moment.

I agree with you - blood is thicker than water. I'm not in a place where I can befriend her.

I understand about the labels - I am only trying to understand the whys.....

So I think I need to leave the marriage.

Disrespect from New Husband and Step Daughter

white knight — Thu, 18 Feb 2021 03:22:37 GMT

I'm sorry to hear that.

Although he is the "meat in the sandwich" he should always give someone a chance to explain.

I hope some good comes out of this in terms of him turning around his attitude. If not I hope you keep yourself together and feel free to consult here. Please read this-

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/the-best-praise-you'll-ever-get#qiHfqnHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

I'm here daily. I can keep chatting if you like or you can return.

TonyWK

Disrespect from New Husband and Step Daughter

ApsaraJane — Thu, 18 Feb 2021 06:20:46 GMT

Thanks Tony

I feel for my husband feeling like he's torn. However his regular undermining behaviors, refusing to talk to me about issues affecting us both, keeping secrets, breaking my boundaries and telling me outright lies, all to protect his daughter, are wearing thin. The daughter mirror images her dad and his behaviors, as he is her absolute role model. I am over her lies, deceit, tantrums and manipulative behaviors too. This is where I feel disrespected. I'm not even in the sandwich, let alone be the meat! They stick together and keep me on the outer.

I think we have different values and that is not going to work going forward. His daughter has made it very clear - I am THE cause of her mental illness (depression and anxiety) and my mere presence makes her feel unsafe. . Which is why I was asked to make myself scarce when she lived with us and why ultimately, she needed to leave. I am not able to befriend her. She has made that clear.

I have taken "her dad" away from her and from the moment we married, I feel she is doing what she can to break us up. Before I came along, she had him all to herself - is how I sense the situation to be.

I see all this now. So, looking at ways I can move on kindly and fairly.....

Disrespect from New Husband and Step Daughter

Emmen — Thu, 18 Feb 2021 07:15:41 GMT

Dear ApsaraJane,

I see TonyWK has given you a lot of useful advice, having been in a similar situation himself before.

From what you have said, I wonder if your stepdaughter could do with counselling too in the form of family counselling. I cannot comment on any of your individual counselling needs, but it is clear the relationship between the three of you is in need of help. Your husband too needs to recognise how his actions or inactions are playing out in your family. For instance, in making you feel like you're being blamed for this rift between you and his daughter.

A lot of this depends on how far you're willing to go to save your marriage. Your husband's daughter is going to be in your life whether you like it or not. It's just how it is when you marry someone with children. If you feel like her presence in your life is something you can't accept, then perhaps this marriage isn't for you. If you are willing to try, then maybe you can try reaching out to your husband's daughter and spending some time talking to her and understanding why she doesn't like you. Keep your husband informed of your efforts too. He cannot pretend that this doesn't involve him - after all, you're both linked through him and it's his job to also help maintain the peace.

Kindly,
M

Disrespect from New Husband and Step Daughter

white knight — Thu, 18 Feb 2021 10:26:20 GMT

Hi AJ,

It is a very different scenario when the child/children is teens or young. Young ones can be befriended with the read of a golden book nightly and some fantasy, teens with projects like I did with a 14yo restoring a car. Adult children of your partner is another thing again. Unless disabled she should be independent and have her own life. Interfering in her father's marriage is unacceptable and her father allowing it is same.

You seem a strong realistic independent woman. You know your limits and needs. You deserve to be met half way by your husband and to top that off you are being restricted to be present in sections of your own home. I can't see how that can be justified. If she is so convulsed by your presence then family counseling is an automatic answer as Emmen suggested. If they refuse then remedying the situation isn't on her agenda, even if it makes her dad happier.

40 years ago as a young prison guard I developed a sense of suspicion. If a situation seemed abnormal, if I'm taken out of my comfort zone or I'm not returned consideration (self centred people) then my intuition tells me to exit.

I don't have anything further to add. Your future seems a sad one however a short time after separation you might see yourself elated that you've survived and moved on. That was the process I went through with my marriage split. 11 years with a narcissist but losing my full time fatherhood tore me apart. But With the tears came an hysterical laugh - because I wasn't beaten.

I'm concerned that life for you might become torturous because you are trying so hard when there is less and less realistic hope as time goes by.

We have a saying here- be gentle with yourself.

TonyWK

Disrespect from New Husband and Step Daughter

ApsaraJane — Fri, 19 Feb 2021 00:15:39 GMT

Thanks Emmen

I did try and set up a meeting for us to talk about our feelings and be able to discuss remorse for the situation, draw a line in the sand and work towards positive interactions in the future.

It didn't work. My husband and his daughter got together and he 'coached ' her in what she had to say in order 'to make the problem go away'. That wasn't what I was after - I wanted genuine conflict resolution. She couldn't help herself and whilst repeating the words he gave her in a monotone voice, she let rip in how bad a person I am and just went off hysterically that she just wants her dad back.

I agree - we all need counselling. She has refused to join us in joint counselling and reminds everyone my presence makes her feel 'unsafe'.

I am trying to install boundaries and have called out her disrespect - something she goes off her head when I do. I'm not sure anyone has tried to hold her to account for her behavior before...

Disrespect from New Husband and Step Daughter

ApsaraJane — Fri, 19 Feb 2021 00:21:15 GMT

Thanks Tony

Great advice... much appreciated.

In kindness, I shall tiptoe forward.

Have a Good day!

Disrespect from New Husband and Step Daughter

ApsaraJane — Mon, 22 Nov 2021 06:22:34 GMT

Just an update...

Clinical psych I saw agrees that behaviours and description are consistent with BPD, but cant be diagnosed. I worked with her on the escalating behaviours of both daughter and husband. She helped me work on me... and I saw that I was being emotionally and financially abused by both husband and daughter. I worked through concepts like gaslighting, stonewalling and manipulation. I discovered he would agree to work with me on things, but have no intention of doing so...or do the opposite. He would say whatever it took just to shut me up.

Turns out husband was siphoning the bank accounts of tens of thousands of $ to support the daughter without my knowledge. He was also lying and covering up many other things not related to his daughter... other money, his porn addiction, our business, his work etc.

So I left the marriage.

I have heard his daughter is ecstatic because she has "won her dad back" and has him all to herself now. My children are in counselling of the abuse by the ex and his daughter to my kids... things I had no idea about. Bullying, name calling, being excluded... etc...But they are doing ok now.

The ex is now trying to stall and delay financial settlement by doing all sorts of tricks to undermine the process, and prevent me from getting my money out of the house and business. I put most of it in and he'd trying to claim it was mostly his - only he can't seem to produce any evidence. But the longer he delays, he know it's causing us financial distress and I cant move on and buy a house etc. I have a lawyer and she believes he is trying to do what he can to cause me maximum pain. We are working through the process patiently. It's been 8 months and I'm not sure how much longer he can continue to delay settling.

But we have our health and each other and have left a toxic situation. I tried.... I tried my hardest to work through the mental illness but in the end we had to leave for our own safety.

Thanks again for the advice....

Disrespect from New Husband and Step Daughter

quirkywords — Mon, 22 Nov 2021 08:50:12 GMT

AsparaJane

Thanks for the update but I am sorry it has worked out like this. I am also sorry that you cant get closure because ex is stalling and trying to make you wait and cause you more stress.

I once dated a man whose daughter always came first which I understood but when he told me his two previous relationships ended when he found out his previous partners upset his daughter.

I was lucky I found that at the start of relationship.

I am glad you have your health. Sometimes we think we can work through something and if we just try harder but sometimes if our mental health is suffering it may not be worth the effort.

Thanks for your honesty.

Are you getting support?

Disrespect from New Husband and Step Daughter

ApsaraJane — Tue, 23 Nov 2021 00:16:51 GMT

Thanks quirkywords.

I never knew this would be the case for mine... he would say thing like she's estranged from her mother because they are the same... they antagonise each other etc... he never indicated or said that he would always put his daughter first.

But with her behaviours very much like BPD, my psych and I saw the pattern whereas she was punishing her mother and now me... And my husband didn't support his ex-wife when his ex and his daughter fought.... he took the daughters side... It's through snippets and anecdotes that I'm seeing the puzzle reveal itself. I was in the same pattern as his previous marriage... the daughter would accuse me (and the ex) of imagined slights and issues and he would stick by her... because she's sick. But rather than helping, he's enabling through a co-dependant relationship.

And that's what I meant by trying to work through the mental illness... her illness... but it impacted too much on me and my kids... so for our own health, we had to leave.

Then you feel guilty because you didn't try hard enough to save your marriage, to get his daughter help, to stick with marriage counselling. But I was the only one in this triangle proactively trying to seek positive outcomes, support and help. At some stage you have to call it quits.

I'm getting help but I still feel shattered...

Re: Disrespect from New Husband and Step Daughter

ApsaraJane — Mon, 26 Jan 2026 03:44:27 GMT

All

A hard post to make.

My son suicided because of the emotional damage that my ex and his adult daughter put my son through.

I found out only 2 weeks before my son decided to end his life at age 15, about the depth and extent of the abuse at the hands of those two people. I tried to get him help but it was of no use.... He was determined to die because he felt shame and guilt and said he was worthless, would never grow up to be a real man, that he wasn't masculine enough, he was an incel - all words he had heard from his step father.

I had no idea of the levels of abuse my kids were getting from the ex... I thought it was only me. My son took on the abuse (and if not being abused verbally, ignored for days on end) very hard.

I am now left to pick up the pieces.

That man and his adult daughter knew exactly what they were doing to us and they didn't care. They don't know about my son's death - and to be quite honest, I can imagine them laughing over it. We are in another state and blocked all ties, phone numbers and social media etc with the family before this happened.

I just want to say - people - go with your gut feelings. If you feel something is not right, it probably isn't. Don't even think about others when they say you are probably over dramatizing things, or you need to forgive them and move on, or you are being too judgemental or labelling. Forget all of that and just work on your truth. For you and for your kids.

I don't know how I will seek justice for my son against that man and his daughter.

.... and I just heard that he had another partner with kids after me... I found them through mutual friends and got in touch. They have now broken up, but the ex-husband and his daughter were doing the exact same pattern of behaviours with that person and their kids that they did with me and my kids... and the now-ex partner believes it was all about getting a hold of her money. The ex-husband was trying to get her to sell up everything and move in with him and the adult daughter, pooling financial resources (what he did with me) ... knowing if they break up, he can claim half or more (like he did with me)... he's targeting financially secure individuals using the same MO, words and actions as he did with me. He took my house, my business, my savings, my dreams and now my kid...

and he's started doing it to others.

He's a conman looking for his next victim. He doesn't care who he hurts... and it has now resulted in a child's death. A coronial inquest will be held and I hope this all comes up in that and he is arrested and thrown into jail. Unlikely but still... wishing for karma or justice - whichever comes first.

Hi ApsaraJane, Thank you so much for updating us, we're...

Sophie_M — Mon, 26 Jan 2026 04:21:43 GMT

Hi ApsaraJane,

Thank you so much for updating us, we're so sorry it's under these circumstances. We can hear how tough it's been for you and it sounds like you have been through a lot, we can imagine how difficult this would be. Please know that the forums and our lovely community are here for you, and it’s good that you could share an update, we hope that our community has some words of support for you.

You are not alone in this journey. It sounds like it would be worth reaching out to our lovely counsellors, on 1300 22 4636, or via our webchat. It can make a real difference having someone to talk to especially in moments of distress. Another good option is talking to our friends over at Blue Knot about this on 1300 657 380, every day between 9am-5pm (AEDT). They provide support to people who’ve experienced trauma or abuse. They also have some resources on their website which could be useful to visit, particularly the pages on Survivors Self Care.

It's important you look after yourself, especially considering all that you have been through. We’re so sorry to hear about the loss of your son, especially under those circumstances. We hope you'll be able to seek justice but we also understand the toll that process can take on a person. Please remember Griefline might be good to talk to about this, on 1300 845 745 (8am-8pm AEDT every day). 

Thank you again for having such courage and strength to update us. Our community is here for you and we're sure they'll spot your post soon.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Re: Hi ApsaraJane, Thank you so much for updating us, we're...

ApsaraJane — Mon, 26 Jan 2026 23:52:51 GMT

Thanks Sophie

I am only brave enough to start telling my story now. It happened 3 years ago and only 2 months after the divorce was finalised.

I have been having grief counselling since then and have diagnosed CPTSD, which we believe started as a result of the abuse in the marriage and exasperated since the death of my son. I am having treatment for that too, as they are separate yet intertwined. The PTSD therapy is focussing mainly on that abuse in the marriage.

Just when we thought things had a bright side - they then didn't.

I just wanted people to know they must go with their gut feelings. I had so many people telling me I was blowing things out of proportion (including counsellors) and I was "at fault".

Don't give up trying to find answers and getting help. We know our kids and we know ourselves. I wish I had gotten to the bottom of it before this happened and not at the end of it. My son was too embarrassed and full of shame to actually tell us what was really going on. If only...