topic Unfaithful husband - first porn, then chat room sex, the prostitute/s in Relationship and family issues

Unfaithful husband - first porn, then chat room sex, the prostitute/s

Feral — Tue, 15 Dec 2020 03:20:51 GMT

I noticed my husband becoming more distant, going to the spare room for increasingly long periods of time, and checking his phone more often. I checked his phone and found various porn sites, and a series of sex chats and videos where he also shared information about me, our house, and even sent a photo of his car!

He swore he would stop, and delete everything, which he appeared to. Then 3 weeks later I found a message asking for a woman's address. When confronted he said he did nothing and was just curious. Then 3 days later a reply from the same number starting with"Yes, I'm free until Wed night".

He claims this was the reply to the first message I saw but that did not make sense. I confronted him and told him that I believed he had not told me the whole truth. He went quiet, and I asked if it was because I would not want to know the true story. He agreed.

He has agreed to have counselling, and I told him to prepare for another conversation about the prostitute hookup. He has said we might at well end it now.

I have now been feeling a physical and emotional wreck for nearly 4 weeks, with each new revelation spiralling me down further. I think I still love him, but can't tolerate any of the above, or blatant lying. I'm feeling like I'm hanging on the edge of the cliff while I wait for him to spill his guts and decide how to move on from this.

I have attended one counselling session and luckily have booked another. Anyone been through similar who could give me some tips?

Unfaithful husband - first porn, then chat room sex, the prostitute/s

white knight — Tue, 15 Dec 2020 05:59:35 GMT

Hi, welcome

You are going through a really tough time.

As his actions have breached obvious boundaries he is expecting the relationship to dissolve. Hence his reply.

My view is that your relationship is terminal. It simply won't work.

Currently you are in limbo, not separated but not happy. Hence your extra grief. Once you flee the relationship then you'll begin to recover and over time you'll get a life back.

TonyWK

Unfaithful husband - first porn, then chat room sex, the prostitute/s

Feral — Wed, 30 Dec 2020 06:51:23 GMT

Thanks for the reply Tony, but I am not going anywhere. I did that once before, was financially screwed over, and have regretted being the one to leave ever since.

I have discovered that the prostitute issue goes back 4 years and at least once a week, often twice, while I was working full time. My husband is saying he will never do it again, and is disgusted with himself etc. Has told his kids that he has hurt me deeply and is very remorseful. I kind of understand that he won't say exactly what he has been doing, but I am feeling that I am suffering all of the hurt and thst my life is destroyed, while he still acts normal in public and with friends. I know I am within my rights to kick him out, but (stupidly?) am giving him the chance to turn his life around.

I'm not prepared to make a rash decision, but have told him that it will be final if there is a hint of previous behaviour.

Too forgiving?

Unfaithful husband - first porn, then chat room sex, the prostitute/s

sunnyl20 — Wed, 30 Dec 2020 07:29:51 GMT

I'm really sorry to hear about what has been happening. I cannot imagine how distressing and painful this has been for you. The decision to stay or leave is yours, only you know how you feel, your previous experiences, all of the intricacies of your relationship etc... You are understandably very hurt. If you have not already (and are open to it), I would really encourage you to contact Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277 as they may be able to give you more tailored advice and support for what you are experiencing and may be able to direct you towards some useful resources and further support services. There is also Lifeline on 13 11 14 and SANE Australia (1800 18 7263 but only 10am-10pm Mon-Fri). Talking with your GP about what has been going on may also be another option if you feel able to speak with them in terms of getting additional support. You should not have to go through this alone. I'm really sorry.

Take care, and please do not hesitate to talk more on here if/when you feel up to it.

Unfaithful husband - first porn, then chat room sex, the prostitute/s

Feral — Tue, 16 Mar 2021 05:50:42 GMT

It now been over 3 months since I discovered my husband's prostitute habit, and despite seeing a counsellor, I have not progressed far at all. I will never forget what I saw or read, and have random images of him having sex with prostitutes. I still can't trust him, even though he claims he has gone "cold turkey". I have now booked in with a clinical psych (had to wait 7 weeks for an appointment!). I am having real trouble with going forward. He claims to have feelings for me, but can't say the "l" word. There are so many issues to work through - his spending thousands on prostitutes and not a cent on me for years, not taking me to social functions, I'm working full time, he is effectively retired (doesn't want to work any more), not prepared to make an effort to make it work, doesn't want to make any plans, long or short term etc. etc. Any hints on how to take the next step in my situation?

Unfaithful husband - first porn, then chat room sex, the prostitute/s

amberlite — Tue, 16 Mar 2021 07:38:41 GMT

Wow, it is awful all that has happened, I hope your kids are doing ok. Is it the wasted money or the cheating that angers you most? You guys do need help to work out how to begin a fresh start. You may even be married to a sex addict? I don't know? But I do know that, You and the kids is all that matters, better to be poor with your self respect in tack than rich and miserable. Best of luck.

Unfaithful husband - first porn, then chat room sex, the prostitute/s

sunnyl20 — Thu, 18 Mar 2021 10:02:58 GMT

I'm really sorry to hear that you are feeling things haven't shifted much. I am glad that you have finally been able to get an appointment with a clinical psych though - I hope that you are able to get the support and advice that you need. It is understandable that you are feeling unable to trust your partner and unsure on how to move forward. It sounds like you need to talk through with someone (like your psych) what you value most, what means the most to you, what you want to prioritise going forward, how much more time you are willing to give your partner to change... There are a lot of issues to work through, you're right. But you shouldn't have to go through this alone, and there is support available. It sounds like your partner is not putting you first in the way that you need him too and is not making the effort. Only you know what you want and need most, and how you are feeling, but it sounds like you need things to change. I'm sorry I can't really be of much help, but I think seeing the clinical psych is a good next step.

Take care

Unfaithful husband - first porn, then chat room sex, the prostitute/s

lost_girl_101 — Tue, 30 Mar 2021 06:06:35 GMT

i know exactly how you feel, but my partner hasnt told me the truth about anything what he did although i know most things he did and i found out over a year ago... My bf had been sleeping with escorts / going to brothels, meeting girls off the locanto app for over 4 years and hooking up with back packers and escorts while away on his annual holiday for which i had to stay home to work. I had all the std tests done by my doctor and i was thinking about seeing a councellor as im struggling every day because if i bring it up for him to tell me the truth he threatens me to move out and i have no where to go and all that is stress on me as well.

Unfaithful husband - first porn, then chat room sex, the prostitute/s

Feral — Tue, 30 Mar 2021 06:49:13 GMT

Sounds like Locanto has a lot to answer for, as that is the app my husband has been using to access prostitutes! I have maintained my right to stay, and he has to move out if he steps one toenail over the line again. This strategy seems to have worked as I think he has really turned his life around. He appears to have (so far) successfully gone cold turkey, and does not seem to have gone down that track again at all since I found out. However, my trust in him has still not returned and I am still waiting to see the psych. (They are flat out with the backlog caused by "Covid-related" marital problems and mental health issues). I think it's going to take a long time for me to trust him or forgive him. I will never forget though, and our marriage won't ever be the same as it was before all of this.

Unfaithful husband - first porn, then chat room sex, the prostitute/s

white knight — Tue, 30 Mar 2021 06:52:53 GMT

Re: "Too forgiving"?

That's your call. But I suggest if you forgive him that you'll need to put a rough date that you'll move on or life will be he'll for a long time.

Trust will be the challenge.

Counseling is a must.

TonyWK

Unfaithful husband - first porn, then chat room sex, the prostitute/s

lost_girl_101 — Tue, 30 Mar 2021 06:56:07 GMT

I would love to warn so many women about locanto, its a dirty sleazy website. At first i thought it was like gumtree until i seen what he was searching for.. local escorts..

Unfaithful husband - first porn, then chat room sex, the prostitute/s

Feral — Tue, 30 Mar 2021 06:57:38 GMT

Hi Amberlite

The kids are older - 31, 33, 35yo - and only the eldest son has been told about what he has done. They will be fine, as they have their own lives and difficulties to deal with, so I'm not burdening the girls with the reality of what their father has been doing. I think it would deeply affect the way they see their father. No, the money is not the end of the world, but I am maintaining the right to retain my lifestyle as much as possible, as I am the victim, not the perpetrator. I feel that my self respect and self esteem has improved enough for me to be able to hold my chin up and say that I am important, and worth more than dozens of prostitutes are to him. I think has has now realised that, so it was worth standing my ground

Unfaithful husband - first porn, then chat room sex, the prostitute/s

lost_girl_101 — Tue, 30 Mar 2021 07:02:03 GMT

I sometimes wish i didnt find everything i found and that our relationship was like it was before, but now its tarnished forever i think. I look at him with hatred but i still love him. I hate what he did. I feel worthless and unattractive and ive lost so much love for myself . I dont feel good enough anymore. Even music i listen to is ruined, everything reminds me of what he did. I hope you find peace within your relationship. i honestly dont think i will forgive or forget every little dirty thing he did. Every day he goes out to work in the morning i dont know if thats the day hes going to a brothel or sitting in his car scrolling through locanto sex ads.. its torture.. 😞

Unfaithful husband - first porn, then chat room sex, the prostitute/s

Juliet_84 — Wed, 31 Mar 2021 06:35:25 GMT

Hi Feral,
I’m sorry to hear what you are going through, you deserve better than how you have been treated. Many people make decisions to stay in a relationship, you love the person, you like the financial security or companionship that a relationship affords etc, and all of these reasons are valid things to consider. life is rarely as black and white as it seems. It may be tempting to blame an app for causing this, but the reality is that most people won’t know what this app is unless you are looking for it. Realistically the only way that you will regain trust in your husband is complete honesty up front followed by changed behavior over time. There is still an element of deception in his need to be evasive with the truth and I don’t think he is there yet. I suppose you need to ask yourself whether you think this is a behaviour that he can quit cold turkey long-term, he obviously knew the stakes initially but the compulsion was strong enough to override, and if not whether this is something that you can learn to live with. For me, the pain would be too great and the constant checking where he is, never trusting etc would wear me down too much in the long run but I know people who can overcome affairs etc. But I suspect this may be harder for your husband to break as brothels/prostitutes are everywhere for those who seek them out. I completely understand your anger at having money not spent on you but instead spent on his own selfish desires, it shows a disregard for you and a selfishness to put his own needs first. It’s a tough situation and I hope that you get some help from a psychologist soon

Unfaithful husband - first porn, then chat room sex, the prostitute/s

Feral — Mon, 12 Apr 2021 06:56:14 GMT

Hi lost girl 101

Our situations are very similar, and 5 months down the track I'm still in tears nearly every day and have had to quit my job as I couldn't work effectively. My husband maintains that he hasn't relapsed, but I still can't trust him. Whenever he leaves the house I find myself monitoring the time to work out if has time to fit in a visit to a prostitute. I still am finding evidence of his activities which causes major setbacks to my recovery e.g. phone numbers in his phone book of about 8 of his "favourite" prostitutes. Despite all this, I think I still love him, but I love the person he was, not the new sleazy, deceitful unfaithful one. He claims to be over all that now, so I'm trying, but am so scared I will never be able to trust him again, so our relationship may be doomed.

Unfaithful husband - first porn, then chat room sex, the prostitute/s

geoff — Mon, 12 Apr 2021 19:28:40 GMT

Hello Feral, I'm sorry this is a rather disappointing outcome for you and feel very sorry that it's happened.

Trust in a marriage/relationship has to be built, it can't naturally be expected on the presumption that you believe they will carry out the correct procedure, although it may be supposed from the love you have for him early on in the relationship, but after being together for a long period, trust doesn't continue on like this any more, simply because you don't feel comfortable at all.

Love can still happen but it takes on another form of love, whether it's caring, compassion, respect or knowledge of them being able to help you, when at times that's all you want. (excluding this situation)

Trust has to be continually proven and it's not necessarily built on only one occasion, because what it does is to be able to hold a marriage/relationship together as one unit.

Sorry I don't mean to upset you but here for you at any time.

Geoff.