topic I love him, but is it enough to stay married after his cheating? in Relationship and family issues

I love him, but is it enough to stay married after his cheating?

38years — Tue, 01 Sep 2020 12:10:07 GMT

Never EVER thought this would happen. We were the golden couple. Everyone has always remarked on our perfect marriage of 38 years! Our kids have put our relationship on a pedestal. We have the perfect family dynamic! He was my best friend, my soul mate. Childhood sweethearts...And then BAM! All this exploded two weeks ago when i found out he had been having a 9 month relationship with a co-worker. Needless to say, he broke down, he is distraught, ashamed, a broken man who has begged for forgiveness and....has threatened self harm. I have been on auto-pilot for the past two weeks, in survival mode making sure that he is ok - booked him into hospital (to ensure that he wouldnt go through with the self harm), have sent him to an air bnb to go and recoup, making sure that he checks in every two hours to tell me he is fine - all because i LOVE him dearly and could not imagine how devestating it would be for our family if he did do something to himself! As for me, I am empty. Empty of everything, especially emotions, which is the worst thing of all. I think i have spent so much focussing on seeing he is ok, that i have forgotten about myself. Bottom line, i dont know what to do. Quite honestly, I am petrified to start over at my age (early 50's), cant imagine being single (hell i was blissfully happy two weeks ago!) and unfortunately if things couldnt get any worse, I became a victim of Covid, having been retrenched a week ago! So...no jobs, no prospects for me to even have a choice in moving on. To make matters worse, the OW still works in the same department as he does, and although he says that he will move into a different section, away from her, to minimize contact, and swears blindly that it is over between the two of them, the fact of the matter is that she is still there. I have asked him to resign, but he says that he cannot, because he needs to be able to provide fo the family and it being Covid, he will never be able to get a job elsewhere, earning what he does.... So what do i do? Rational side says, we need the money, so he needs to stay in the job even with the OW being there. The emotional side of me says NO way! I am in a catch 22 either way! Please help...........

I love him, but is it enough to stay married after his cheating?

geoff — Tue, 01 Sep 2020 19:21:46 GMT

Good Morning and my heart breaks for you for what has been happening and the love you have and show for him.

Perhaps he might have been put into a situation where attention from another person lead from one thing to something else, only to gain validation or admiration in a different way, and it could have started by the OW asking him for his opinion on a matter she was stuck in and needed his assistance.

This is something you may or may not want to know at this time unless it's handled by a counsellor, but if it was me (after 25 years marriage) I'd only wish for us to get back on track and maybe alter how we were once behaving in our marriage.

Remember we may make statements that we don't mean, simply because our nose has been pushed out of joint, that's understandable because trust has been broken and the link between the two of you has been severed, but it can certainly be repaired.

There is always a great expression I remember and I mean this in the most polite way 'it takes 2 to tango' and now he has told you then the connection between him and the OW will fade away into obscurity.

Can I suggest that this long marriage can be repaired and going to see your doctor would be an unbelievable help.

Hope to hear back from you.

Take care,

Geoff.

I love him, but is it enough to stay married after his cheating?

PhoebeWings — Tue, 01 Sep 2020 22:10:07 GMT

Hi there,

Feeling for you so much.

I can understand that auto-pilot mode and feeling numb.

It sounds to me that you know in your heart that you do want to stick with it and to work with your husband repair your life-long marriage.

Having lived through this myself, I well remember my husband’s face, body and whole being... he was beyond wretched.
Beyond. He crumpled. And I did too. For awhile.

I know of several mature woman friends who have endured the same....I know several who went for rebuilding their life with their spouse (with rich and enduring outcomes)

Nothing will feel really normal or ´right’ for a long time to come - but it IS possible to get to a place where you BOTH deeply cherish that you are together still, and the pain recedes...

I just feel for you being in this nightmare, just know.... it passes.

You both have a bit of circumstantial sorting out to do, re his work etc.

But firstly, please do get yourselves into counselling.

You are on auto pilot now, but I suspect sooner or later you will start ‘feeling’ a lot, with some intensity - and managing the onslaught of those highly volatile emotions could be very hard.

Not all is lost......ever.....it will be a hard old path ahead, don’t expect too much of yourself.....but do, do get yourselves help.

This is life. People can slip off course. How often do we hear of mid-life crisis for women and men?
It’s devastating, heartbreaking and a million and one things that can leave us feeling lost and broken.
Your husband needs to understand how utterly betrayed you will feel... And with counselling, there needs to be some deep conversation about his work situation.
From my perspective, it’s how it affects you and how you feel secure that’s number one.

But yes, you can both pick up the pieces. It’s possible.
One day at a time - just remember, you are not alone.

I’m so sorry you have to endure this.
I just wanted to reach out with some shared empathy.

I’ll be here to listen if you want - OK? 🙂

I love him, but is it enough to stay married after his cheating?

white knight — Tue, 01 Sep 2020 22:58:34 GMT

Hi, welcome

Normally I’d say it’s unlikely your marriage will survive but I think yours will. His regrets, your achievements and your love for him make it more than possible.

I would urge he finds another job.

Good luck and as he is full of regret, get back on track as soon as you can.

TonyWK

I love him, but is it enough to stay married after his cheating?

38years — Thu, 03 Sep 2020 05:35:15 GMT

Thanks all for the comforting words. In some cases so much better than seeing a therapist! I'm on another forum as well, and from what i am hearing from everyone is to:

1/ FGive myself time to heal

2/ Not make any rash decisions and take as much time as i need to work through everything

3/ try to reconcile with hubby, especially since we were a match made in heaven (and yes, whilst it may seem cliched, i really believe we are)

4/ Get him to resign, especially as a way of moving forward in our reconciliation. It seems that all the other betrayed spouses who partners are still working with the co-worker find that it removes a lot of triggers and stress from their relationship with them not working together. As one of the forum people put it....." He needs distance from the OW, he needs distance from the triggers at work, and honestly, he needs a fresh start. And I as the betrayed spouse need to live without unnecessary triggers and fear.

I love him, but is it enough to stay married after his cheating?

quirkywords — Thu, 03 Sep 2020 07:44:59 GMT

38 years

I like the way you have taken on board the supportive suggestions by other posters and detailed them clearly.

Of course it is your decision to decided what works for you.

It is early days and you are in shock.

I am pleased you reached out here for support.

Feel free to keep posting here when you wnat to. You are not alone and there is support here and understanding.

I love him, but is it enough to stay married after his cheating?

38years — Thu, 03 Sep 2020 12:35:23 GMT

Thanks so much! I suppose my detailing everything is partly because i have always been in total control of what i do and helps me think a little clearer. I am very organised and efficient and to have something like this happen has totally thrown me off course! Detail is what i thrive on as it helps me make sense of this nightmare. I am also desperately looking for the answers, which i know no-one can give to me. Its almost like wanting a rule book where someone says 'turn to page xxx for the answer on what to do'.

I love him, but is it enough to stay married after his cheating?

38years — Thu, 03 Sep 2020 12:38:07 GMT

Thanks so much for the lovely words!

I love him, but is it enough to stay married after his cheating?

38years — Thu, 03 Sep 2020 12:41:49 GMT

Thanks so much for this. It sounds by your message that you had the same reaction from your husband as i did and that you have been able to work things through, which is hopeful...

I love him, but is it enough to stay married after his cheating?

38years — Thu, 03 Sep 2020 12:44:05 GMT

Thanks so much for your support and its lovely to hear your positivity and encouragement!

I love him, but is it enough to stay married after his cheating?

geoff — Thu, 03 Sep 2020 18:19:50 GMT

Good Morning, the four points you have made are good and remember if anyone of these gets out of control or goes beyond how you actually feel, take a breather to go and do something else you always love to do, try not to build on the negative side, because once this happens then you're back to square one.

It may not be his fault, entirely, but caught up in something that went too far and he was unable to stop.

I'm not justifying what happened but supporting you.

Take care.

Geoff.

I love him, but is it enough to stay married after his cheating?

Kenapela — Thu, 03 Sep 2020 21:36:01 GMT

I have been in a similar situation at your age. And I think that was what I was looking for initially, was a similar situation, because it was the loneliest place I had ever been in. The shame and humiliation keep me from speaking to anyone for 2 weeks. Finally sharing my pain and educating myself to weave my way through it,, to find a place of peace, now 5 years later. I am changed, we both are. While the situation feels hopeless, broken and beyond repair, your an emotional wreak, spinning with every emotion humanly possible, desperately trying to find some sense of normal. My first suggestion is to comfort yourself. This is very traumatic. An under estimated event of personal torment until you actually have to go through it. I took walks in the sunshine. Started looking into myself to find the things I actually enjoyed doing. You can't turn off love like a tap. And that's the confusing part you love him yet he has hurt you immensely, why don't I hate him? and you will at certain times, back and forth, back and forth. This merry- go- round of emotions can drive you stir crazy. You start blaming yourself. Asking questions of yourself and feeling like your not enough. Your self esteem is shot to pieces. You feel like you have been stabbed in the back. All your sense of reality up ended. I get it big time! Your doing everything to keep what you had and ward off any threat. Breathe.....you can't ever stop him cheating again. Where there's a will there's a way. I tormented myself for 12 months checking every phone call on the bill. Wondering if he was going where he was actually going. He assured me continually until I have finally believed him and gained a better percentage of trust. Your marriage won't be the same, but it can be better. I seen a counselor early on, but it wasn't for me. I just cried and she listened. I was after immediate help and relief from the pain and that wasn't happening.

My way out was to read all about infidelity. Get a better understanding of why it happens. I read a lot about healing yourself and I did meditation for the first time in my life to help me sleep. It has to be about you now. Your marriage has been peeled open. You have never been more individual than you are now. Take your time. Please have hope that either way you will be ok. Putting back the pieces even will come. Its a journey.

I love him, but is it enough to stay married after his cheating?

38years — Thu, 03 Sep 2020 22:50:24 GMT

@kenapela - wonderful words to read. Thank you for this. You're absoloutely right...i feel totally alone and dont have anyone to talk to besides a therapist which i am not too sure is working. I am a private person and cannot bring myself to tell my closest friends because of this pedastal that everyone has put our marriage on! It's also a pretty closeknit community so this unfortunately will not stay with the ones i tell. I love them to bits but not to spill my gutwrenching emotions to - hence the reason i love the anonomousity of this forum. no one to judge, or pass comment, just people who know what i am going through. Oh my word...its so lonely....its fathers day on sunday, we would have normally spent this with our kids, but now they are planning something without me (and although i was invited, cannot play happy family at the moment). Likewise its my daughters birthday in two weeks and so different celebrations once again. If i ask my girlfriends to get together with them (without my husband), they'll know there is something going on as the two of us have done absolutely everything together!!! So yes, i am wallowing in self pity for the moment 😞

I love him, but is it enough to stay married after his cheating?

Croix — Fri, 18 Sep 2020 10:50:05 GMT

Dear 38years

I read elswhere you have a new dilemma, your husband's accommodation is coming to an end and you do not know how things will be if you allowed him to live in the same place as you -though in different bedrooms.

In addition you wish he would change jobs, thus putting the other person involved out of his working day if there that was to be a stepping stone to reconciliation.

I guess the first thing the occurs to me is that you made him go to hospital to prevent self harm.

The second is that finances are limited

The third that depending on where you live getting another job may be unlikely right now.

(That's just an assumption of course.)

Whatever you do will hurt, and having him the house will be most awkward, it may also conjure up old feelings in you simply because he is around.

I'm not going to repeat anything Kenapela said as I agree with all of it.

If you simply separate you will be left not only alone in a strange world, but also as well feel the of betrayal plus a sense you had in some way failed or been inadequate. Not that good a starting point for an new life.

If he comes back I'd imagine if he was genuine your own feelings might prompt you to rejoin together. I'm not sure it could ever be the same, some things broken stay broken. It might however be acceptable. Obviously it could lead to more heartbreak and grief.

Talk of getting rid of the OW in some way, and your concern over his threatened self harm, together with your admission you love him lead me to think you might want to try to have him back. This is not something I"m recommending for or against, simply my impression of what you want to try. I may well be wrong.

If you do try, then decent couples counseling together I think would be a must. In many places Relationships Australia - 1300 364 277 do have competent councilors.

Croix

It could lead to more heartbreak and grief.

I love him, but is it enough to stay married after his cheating?

38years — Sun, 20 Sep 2020 23:59:42 GMT

Thanks so much for your wise words Croix. You are right. Ending things will lead me into a strange and lonely world - one that i do not want to navigate on my own..i had always imagined that we would be together until the end, and honestly i am not ready to face that challenge on my own 😞

I love him, but is it enough to stay married after his cheating?

38years — Mon, 21 Sep 2020 00:25:13 GMT

Its been 5 weeks and its so hard adjusting to this new life without my significant other. He was supposed to move back in this coming weekend, but I am just not ready. We have been meeting every 4-5 days to spend a couple of hours together talking about 'us' - and although there is a lot of heartache and he pretty much cries most of the time, its a meaningful time together. Lately however he has been coming more and more to the house to do 'admin' type stuff (which in some instances he is the only one that can do it). This puts me in a situation, because whilst he is here, i feel awkward and uncomfortable. But he tries to respect my space by keeping himself shut up in the study away from me. So we land up avoiding one another which makes it even more uncomfortable. I feel that is he moves back in, I need to be sure that I want to move forward with the relationship and not have this big elephant sitting in the room! However at this moment in time when I look at him, I am absolutely empty of any emotions and feelings. In fact, our 38 years of memories are fading away, I no longer look at him the way i did and all i see is a sad and frightened man in front of me. This lack of feeling scares me more than anything else! If I felt anger, i could move on. If i felt love i could move forward, but i feel nothing, which makes me feel like i am stuck in a void with my life on halt. Help me please! is this normal??? I dont want to feel this way

I love him, but is it enough to stay married after his cheating?

quirkywords — Mon, 21 Sep 2020 09:56:19 GMT

38 years,

I have been following your posts and thank for sharing your thoughts .I have found when something happens suddenly it takes time to stop being in a state of shock. I know of a man who after 40 years of a great marriage found a note his wife left him telling him she loved another and wanted a divorce. He felt like you that he felt nothing , felt stuck. He had planned getting older with his wife . He had to move out of the home .It took him a while to cope with the sudden change. That stuck feeling is different for every one.

This is time to care for yourself and practice self compassion.