topic Help in Relationship and family issues

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Missy580 — Sat, 12 Dec 2020 09:29:00 GMT

Hi guys,

I need some advice.
My ex and I were together for a year and a half and broke up 5 months ago. The connection we had together started to fade and I found that the person he was at the beginning of the relationship also started to fade. When the relationship came to a end we both accepted that the timing wasn’t right for us. In the last 5 months he has frequently contacted me with the “ I miss you” and “ can we talk”. Out of the numerous times, I have each time given him the chance to talk to me and meet up with him. Recently he asked to meet and we both decided to take things slow and see how it goes before getting back together. Then the next day he suddenly changed his mind saying his “confused”. I have been dealing with him coming in and out of my life and getting my hopes up each time. I know this isn’t good for me but why can’t I let go? how can his mind change so suddenly overnight?

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quirkywords — Sat, 12 Dec 2020 10:21:59 GMT

Missyy580

I can understand how confusing your ex,s behaviour has been since you broke.

When people are unsure they give off mixed messages and they confuse other people.
I think he may of changed his mind overnight because he doesn’t now what he wants so he says let’s get back then later he says no way not now.

Maybe you need to think what you really want as it is very disruptive the way he is behaving.
Take care

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Missy580 — Sun, 13 Dec 2020 12:42:36 GMT

That’s the thing, I know what I want and how he is behaving doesn’t align with my wants. But I find myself holding onto the hope that he will change or become the person he use to be. It’s like I can’t get go of the hope because I still can see the good in him. He contacted me last night saying that his been struggling and his life was so much better when I was in it. I offered him support and then today he messages asking to hang out? Then suddenly tells me his not ready to go in public with me..? It just feels like a game I can’t solve

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geoff — Sun, 13 Dec 2020 19:58:20 GMT

Hello Missy, being in a situation like this must be rather confusing, but actually, it could provide more clarity for you, because what he says is changed at a later date, so he is unsure what he wants to do and perhaps won't want to do or he doesn’t align with your wants.

Being married for a year and a half, but together for only one year still includes you both in the 'honeymoon' period which is full of romance and plenty of fun, so our natural personality isn't shown, that slowly begins to appear and could be what's happening with him.

This year has been an awkward and strange year for everyone and what's happened could be affecting him, in some way he hasn't discussed with anybody and perhaps some type of mental illness has transpired, so maybe you could ask him before making a decision.

If he declines to mention this, then you can't be promised one idea and then cancelled, but suggest he goes to visit his doctor.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

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Missy580 — Sun, 13 Dec 2020 21:37:02 GMT

How do I let him go completely without thinking I’m making a mistake?

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Sweesoft — Mon, 14 Dec 2020 03:29:04 GMT

Hi Missy,
Hope you are well. I miss you sometimes means "I miss how you took care of me" or "I miss me when I was with you." I hope I make sense. Right now, he sounds really confused, and by the looks of it is really focused on himself. It may be hard to let go, but you can't just miss out a lot in life just because you are waiting for a person who isn't even sure what he wants. I say go and enjoy life. Stop thinking about him. Love yourself a bit more. If he really wants you back, it will happen.
Wish you well!

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Missy580 — Mon, 14 Dec 2020 06:56:15 GMT

I want to but in the back of my head I’m constantly thinking “what if”. I also find myself thinking I will never find someone like him or the connection we had in another person.
Each time I say goodbye to him he comes running back but can’t give me anything more than games and confusion

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Katyonthehamsterwheel — Mon, 14 Dec 2020 08:18:29 GMT

Hi Missy - relationships are difficult to navigate at times, so I hear you.

If I may share some advice I got from a professional after a break-up, it was to focus on my/yourself, not on the other person. So how did you feel in the relationship? Did it feel good? Did it feel settled? Did you you feel sure? So rather than focus on his qualities or what he's bringing, what do you want?

All the best. Not easy

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Missy580 — Mon, 14 Dec 2020 11:55:06 GMT

It was the best relationship I’ve been in for the first year of us being together. But suddenly this year there was some changes. The reason for breaking up was also blamed on me because in his head I expected him to speak to me all day, when in reality if I didn’t reply to his messages his the one who would send multiple messages and calls to me. I guess that’s all besides the point now. I’m just trying to figure out what’s going to upset me more his constant games and glimpses of hope his giving me or me blocking him and trying to move on. I feel as though when I finally am doing ok and happy within myself he pops back in and destroys my world again

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geoff — Mon, 14 Dec 2020 18:45:28 GMT

Hello Missy, the amount of happiness depends on the freedom in your heart, and as soon as this happens it's destroyed by him making promises he can't keep or what else he's doing behind your back.

You can't wheel back in a relationship that has no substance, because being together and living happily is different than being apart making statements, that are often changed and then cancelled, won't allow him to catch you when you fall off the ladder, and you can't be afraid of hurting him because he's already made up his mind and having to live with this doesn't allow you to close the door on him.

How do I let him go completely without thinking I’m making a mistake, well your instincts, knowledge of knowing what's most likely going to happen aren't any mistake at all, and any hope gets you stuck in the past and from loving once again.

Now is your time to lose contact because if you don't he's only going to be tugging on that fishing line, trying to tempt you into believing you'll reel him in, don't be constantly caught into this trap, and if you need to change your sim card, address (which maybe more difficult), never the less, you want to love someone else and non of this is your fault.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

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Missy580 — Wed, 16 Dec 2020 06:37:19 GMT

He has contacted me again and wants to meet up and talk. What do I do?

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Missy580 — Thu, 17 Dec 2020 11:36:31 GMT

Geoff,

He has told me he would like to start hanging out together and seeing how things go before thinking about “getting back together”. After some thinking I realised that I need a little more from him if iam giving him my time. Is this wrong of me? Am I putting too much pressure on him?
He says he can’t guarantee anything but his intention is to get back together.
I’am having a constant battle with my head and my heart. My head says I’ve been here before and had him turn around the next day saying his “confused” and “not ready”. But my heart isn’t ready to let go completely.
I feel as though I throw my sense of value for myself out the window all in the hopes of having this relationship back.
When I told him I need more from him than simply hanging out, he twists it by saying now iam the confused one and am trying to blame him for being confused when it is me..

I’am confused

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geoff — Thu, 17 Dec 2020 16:29:27 GMT

Hello Missy, I've just logged on and apologise but will get back to you within the next few moments after I want to reply to someone else first.

I'm sorry but will return very shortly.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

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geoff — Thu, 17 Dec 2020 18:42:19 GMT

Hello Missy, if supposedly he rejoined you then there could be on several occasions decisions that need to be made, who is going to make them, the reason why and any percussions that follow, whether or not you are actually happy or just pretending to agree just to keep the peace and who always wants to make the final decision.

I understand how you are feeling 'my heart isn’t ready to let go completely' that's because you were married and together for a year, which would have been a magic time, however, problems started and desperately need to be sorted out, where firstly an admirable joint decision will be made, but it's long term where complications may once again return.

Your 'head says I’ve been here before' so maybe it's déjà vu and you've been caught up in this particular situation in similar circumstances once before, which now leaves the two of you being apart.

If his remarks tend to blame you and make you feel as though you're confused, then by getting back with each other leaves a question mark.

I can't say what you should do, but only give our suggestion, perhaps if I give you an example, my ex and I were married 25 years, divorced, but she and I have a good understanding and communicate regularly, but if we were to live together again, it wouldn't work out, even though I love her.

If you can make a decision the better you will be, promises made by text, email or phone are nothing like living together.

My best.

Geoff.

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Missy580 — Sun, 20 Dec 2020 06:21:36 GMT

I’ve decided I need to cut contact and block the number.
How do I tell myself I’m going to be ok? I can’t get him off my mind and find myself thinking constantly about the past instead of future

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Katyonthehamsterwheel — Sun, 20 Dec 2020 09:38:16 GMT

Hey Missy

It's a strong decision you've made, and not an easy one, so good on you. It will hurt for awhile, there's no way around that, so allow yourself to grieve, but then focus on moving forward. A couple of suggestions:

Sometimes after a break up, we look at the relationship through rose coloured glasses. Try to keep a balanced view of how things really were. Examine your thoughts. Don't let them control you - they don't. You're in charge.

Another thing that can be helpful is when you find yourself on the thought train (going nowhere..) is to say out loud "stop".

You will absolutely be ok! Be kind to yourself. Try and keep busy and do things you enjoy. Spend time with people who are good for you. You've been strong and brave, now keep going x

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Missy580 — Sun, 20 Dec 2020 12:27:15 GMT

If I made the right decision why does it feel so wrong..

Ive been through breakups before but this one is on a complete other level. It’s been 5 months and I feel as though I’m only getting worse

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geoff — Sun, 20 Dec 2020 17:50:48 GMT

Hello Missy, you need to remember that getting through a breakup is as much a physical process as an emotional one and even though you've blocked contact, which is really a good start, there will situations you see that will remind you of the time you and ex enjoyed, that maybe so, but remind yourself of the occasions that followed after this where his personality changed.

Any contacts you both shared creates a problem, simply because you don't want them to relay any messages about what you're done or going to do back to him, and if this does transpire, then perhaps you may need to avoid them until you are better, because this will keep you back recollecting memories and you don't want this.

You need to stop thinking about 'we', that doesn't exist anymore, at the moment you're waiting to fall in love with another person, someone who respects what you do and would dearly want to participate and encourage you in any way possible, and more so the same with you.

Of course, there will be thoughts of the past, these need to be pushed to the back of your mind until eventually, they don't mean anything, so now it's 'I', I will grow the way I want to because 'we' isn't a concern.

I'm capable, I know I am, the past has gone.

Take care.

Geoff.

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Missy580 — Mon, 21 Dec 2020 00:00:51 GMT

I just happened to bump into him at the shopping mall. Do you have any tips for this?
I was so unprepared and felt the sudden dump of anxiety. I left the store before I could even complete my shopping & I feel as though this has wrecked my whole day

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Katyonthehamsterwheel — Mon, 21 Dec 2020 01:00:16 GMT

Missy

I'm sorry that you're going through this. It's certainly not easy. I can relate to be honest, as I'm going through the same thing myself, and it doesn't seem to be getting easier, which is confusing, but I'm determined to stick with it, and to stick with no contact, as I really feel it's the best thing.

In regard to the particular situation you mentioned, my psych suggested I prepare in advance for how I will respond. What will I say? What will I do? Think about what will work best for you. One suggestion my psych gave was to immediately phone a friend the minute I spot him. That way he won't engage with me because I'm busy, and I'm distracted by a pleasant encounter.

Hope that helps, even a little. Katy