topic Just need help in Relationship and family issues

Just need help

Laurenlexi33 — Sat, 29 Aug 2020 13:05:46 GMT

I’m dealing with extreme anxiety panic and just all round uneasy. At the moment. I have a finance and a 17 month daughter.
my fiancé has been laid off work ( we don’t qualify for benefits) and the work load now has been put all on me. I have been carrying us financially for years on and off, his had hard a rough time securing employment. At the moment our relationship in the past 6 months has deteriorated, he has becomes extremely selfish, has been gambling, sleeping all day and is no help to me at all. I feel like im working for nothing, then I look at my Daughter and it breaks my heart. I’m struggling with sleeping, eating and having this constant feel of worry and anxiety/panic

his ruining us financially and I believe I am being financially abused. He got access to Some money and spent it all on himself. He also gaslights me when we fight he puts a lot of the blame on me , he has lied about things and says it’s my fault for being a nag or complaining and worrying about money . And even stole money I stashed away for emergency this was a few months back. I absolutely don’t trust him! The trust is broken

god only knows what he does that I don’t know about.

before all this he was a loving attentive partner , romantic even. Him being off work on and off through the past years has changed him. We have a massive morgage and that burden has now landed on me.
I worked up until 39 weeks pregnant, and had to rerun to work when she was 6 months old coz he couldn’t find secure work. We don’t hug , kiss or show any signs of love. But he will ask for sex. It makes me sick

I am hating my life , I hate the way i feel inside. I hate that i feel trapped.
i Feel like I have been ripped off in being a mum having to work Heavy hour weeks.
I’m exhausted and just every part of me physically and emotionally Is broken.
to leave isn’t easy, as I can’t handle the thought of being away from my small child that also gives me extreme anxiety and fear.
anyway I just needed a vent, and whoever is reading this I appreciate it x

Just need help

Sophie_M — Sat, 29 Aug 2020 13:23:25 GMT

Hey Laurenlexi33,
Thanks for joining us here on the Beyond Blue forums.
We're so sorry to hear of the difficult circumstances you are in at the moment. We can't imagine how exhausting it must be to care for your 17 month old daughter, the household finances and to worry about your husband's behaviour. Is there anyone close to you that you could confide in? Maybe a family member who could provide some support? From what you've described, it sounds like you might be experiencing domestic violence. Domestic violence can come in many forms including psychological and financial abuse. We'd recommend that you visit the Respect.gov and 1800Respect website to learn more about the different types of domestic violence. You may also like to get in contact with 1800RESPECT. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to people in your situation. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or https://www.1800respect.org.au/

We would recommend that you get in touch with an organisation called Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. They provide relationship support services for individuals, families and communities and aim to support all people in Australia to achieve positive and respectful relationships.
We hope that you keep checking back in with us to let us know how you are going, whenever you feel up to it.

Just need help

geoff — Sat, 29 Aug 2020 19:16:51 GMT

Hello Laurenlexi, a warm welcome to the forums and Sophie_M has provided you with some good links.

I am also very sorry for the situation you are now in and if I can tell you about a friend who gambled everything he could lay his hands on, and when he came out with absolutely nothing, cried poor, only until he got married (he was a friendly chap aged about 58 back then).

That's when his new wife stepped and only allowed him a meagre amount of money per week, let's say $20 and he could not access their account unless it had both signatures.

If he wants to waste this money then he had nothing until she gave him another allowance, there was nothing he could porn and eventually banned himself from all the venues that had pokies.

If they go to any race meeting because friends had invited them, he is only given $5 per race, that's it.

Freeze your accounts, ask him to go to Gamblers Anonymous or google 'gaaustralia.org.au'

Let us know what you think.

Geoff.

Just need help

Laurenlexi33 — Sat, 29 Aug 2020 20:03:30 GMT

Hello thank you for your response

I will look into the links you have provided me with. And appreciate everything you said. Thank you for your reply and your support

Just need help

Laurenlexi33 — Sat, 29 Aug 2020 20:09:46 GMT

Hi Geoff,

thank you for your support and taking the time to reply.
the gambling is hard to control as we have a joint account. I keep this limit on there to a minimum. He has just turned into this incredibly selfish person. His often told me he feels like a failure and can’t provide for us , I believe this is where the gambling started, to try and hit that big win. I have discussed he needs help with gambling to his response is “ I never do this” it’s because I’m home and bored.
he never gambled in our relationship when things were good.

im just exhausted by carrying the weight of this family. Covid isn’t helping as finding a work for him isn’t easy now as we are in Melbourne.

I am a strong woman, I have been in rships that you could call the devil themselves. I have been through much worse in my life.
I guess I just needed to vent , know I’m not alone and have some people to talk to.

I really appreciate your response Geoff and thank you for your support

Just need help

therising — Sat, 29 Aug 2020 22:14:03 GMT

Hi Laurenlexi33

First, I wish to acknowledge how heartbreaking it must feel to be spending less time with your daughter than what you would like. From one mum to another, I understand how this must be deeply impacting.

I'm not surprised by how exhausted you're feeling. Wow, you are managing a heck of a lot of factors. You're managing a child, a husband who refuses to manage in constructive ways, a mortgage, a job, a nervous system that is playing havoc with your mind, body and spirit and the list goes on. Chronic fatigue comes to mind. Easy for people to say 'You need to relax' but when you can't see any way of relaxing, such a statement would simply be angering and perhaps depressing.

'Nagging', an interesting word. Aka 'Trying to manage to get a result when, time after time, there appears to be no obvious result from the other party'. Sounds like you're doing most of the constructive management here. I imagine if you said the following to your husband, he wouldn't at all appreciate your management style

Let's manage to downsize and significantly reduce the mortgage, to be more manageable
Let's manage to reduce the amount of money being spent on gambling, given the money's not there for that
Let's manage to investigate gamblers anonymous
Let's manage to give me more time with my daughter
Let's manage to address the reasons for you taking the emergency fund

Yep, a lot of management there, indeed! Perhaps your husband's facing depression. In this case, he should be managing to address this too, for both your sake.

Resenting someone's refusal to co-mange is perfectly understandable, especially when they're meant to be acting as 'partner'. The imbalance in a partnership can definitely be triggering.

In regard to the intimacy side of things, perhaps a good question to ask your husband is 'How do you expect my body to become excited when it's always stressed and exhausted?' While he may have the desire and ability to work up to that energetic vibe, what little energy you have left is invested elsewhere. 'How do you propose to help me restore my energy?' would be another question worth asking.

I'm wondering if you ever vent (cry) in front of your husband. All the words, of frustration, in the world can sometimes not compare to emotionally venting through tears. In this way, people get to see the rawness of how we're feeling. It is not a sign of weakness to cry, simply an expression of overwhelming intolerance, regarding that which has become intolerable.

🙂

Just need help

geoff — Sat, 29 Aug 2020 22:53:32 GMT

Hi Laurenlexi, a gambler will always tell you when they have a big win, trouble is we're never told how much they have lost.

Any significant win will make them continue to bet until they lose it all again and the chap I had been talking about had $4000 credit on the pokies, but just wanted to win again, he lost everything and came out crying poor.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Just need help

ecomama — Sun, 30 Aug 2020 00:16:38 GMT

Hi Laurenlexi33

What a hard situation, I've 'been there', I got O-U-T.

You can phone the free Women's Legal Service & keep phoning them for years if you need. They have brilliant Family Lawyers. Get an outline of where you stand. You are under no legal obligation to tell your H.

You can 'get your ducks in a row'.

H is being abusive in many ways. The abuse often escalates after partner is pregnant / had a child.

Then I would:
* block all bank accounts. Give H "an allowance" of $20 per week. He doesn't do the shopping just gambles...so that's it. (He may go ballistic - call the Police if you are in danger). If you "can't do this" from fear - I get that, there's another way... let me know what you think.
* If you go with blocking, open an account in your sole name & have all monies put in there ie your pay / Family Payments. You are under no obligation to tell H.
* Sell house & rent. (I would buy each person a car of similar value - less to split afterwards).

Did you know that if H took out loans to gamble, owed any amount of money to loan sharks etc, that YOU also are liable for all of those loans?
In "Law" you two are "one" and that stinks to high heavens but it's "Law".

Even if you paid 50% of any loans H took out to gamble.... your name would not be cleared until the whole 100% was paid. ANY debts to ANY one - including Utility companies.

The sexual abuse is sickening. You can call the sexual abuse hotline to get info on this.... it's quite shocking what some women put up with (me included in the past, so I get it).

My heart goes out to you about your little girl. Hugs. Once you rent near a school you may want her to enrol in, you can think more, if something doesn't occur beforehand.

At any time you can be "separated under the same roof".
Lodge your "separation" with Centrelink.
Apply for divorce 1 year + 1 day after this separation date.
Then you each have 1 year after that to sort out the Parenting & Property by Family Law. But some cases can go on for up to & probably over a decade.
It's best to get as much sorted as you possibly can from now.

I would not put anything extra (or at all) into your Super as your Super can be split with H during Family Law processes.
In fact I would draw down the $10k now, but that's just me, since H is unemployed and the Govt is allowing this atm. This is none of Hs business either.

Not a fun stage but you're a smart, strong woman, you got this.

Best wishes.

Just need help

Laurenlexi33 — Sun, 30 Aug 2020 04:50:17 GMT

Hi ecomama.
wow I appreciate the effort and compassion your message sent me.
we are tied in financial ways , morgage loan and our daughter. I am not married to him , just engaged.
The problem with blocking is that the shared joint account holds a lot of our direct debits, the gambling isn’t 100s of dollars , it can sometimes only be 20 a day to 5 a day. But this has been over a course of 6 months.
we don’t have any loans other then our morgage thank god.

my issue with leaving is , him having my daughter in shared custody. I mentally cannot be without her more then I already have as a new mum. I’ve missed so much. She adores him.

I do believe he is suffering depression and he has a history in his family of ADHD.
basically When he is working, his a completely different guy to the one I have mentioned.

thank you for you kind words, and support I’ll continue to update as things go on.

lauren x

Just need help

Laurenlexi33 — Sun, 30 Aug 2020 05:05:46 GMT

Hi the rising

and thank you for taking the time for you response. Yes mum to mum , my heart breaks daily , I have been completely robbed of being a mum who gets to be with home raising her child.
I have no issue with working to support and help the family, but in no way did I feel I would be caring the load for so long on and off ( more on the off ) his been so unlucky with work.

I have discussed with him recently about just paying the minimum of the mortgage to which he agreed! I have said many times he needs help with gambling , his response is always the same , I don’t have a problem I just do it for fun or I’m bored.

Your correct in the resenting and triggering of things , atm there is tension and the rship has shifted he knows that.
I have cried and vented and begged him to help, sometimes in those moments he shows compassion and empathy and says he understands the he things he has done has hurt me. Then yeh we have a few days or weeks where his attentive or more helpful. Then it just slowly goes back to the same stuff, some gambling will happen he will sleep all day and be awake all night.

Then there are times , I have Cried and truely let my guard down and vented it all out, even told him and I get nothing back. Just so “ what you want to break up”

its very up and down and nothing is consistent. I guess this is why I’m feeling so tormented. I have told him in a emotional state that I have begun to resent him, and loose loving feelings. He just has this attitude with will start fresh.
goes around and around.

the plus is we are not married. And there are no loans or debt for gambling.

i feel more hurt that sometimes I look at him, and I’m not sure who he is , where is the man I met? I do believe he is suffering on the inside as he has made comments saying how do you think I feel

I can’t even provide for my partner or daughter, I believe deep down this is the The cause. His pride and disappointments in how things have gone, his just adding him on them.

time will tell where this is going , I’m hanging in there for my daughter.

thank you for your advice xx

lauren

Just need help

ecomama — Sun, 30 Aug 2020 06:38:06 GMT

Dear LL

You can Google whatever is in italics and have a read.

I saw alot more evidence of the "cycle of violence" in your replies to therising and myself.

You even mentioned this being 'a cycle' and indeed it is. There are many patterns to his behaviours and his are pretty text book. Going from job to job is another red flag, pretty text book there too.

Also your behaviours as the 'victim' are becoming clear. Making excuses for his behaviours is one clear thing victims do, you list lots and the list is getting longer.
Always and I say always the victims end up twisting themselves in knots whilst the abuser pulls the strings.

He is not a child. Acting like one but I'm assuming he's of adult age.
It's not your problem that he's bored, I've never heard such rot.

Gosh you own your own home and have a child, there are a billion things he could be constructively doing to make this time pass to benefit the family.
He chooses not to.
He could learn how to cook, operate the washing machine etc.

Don't buy into the excuses. Nope. He's not an entirely different person when he's working, it's just that these behaviours you're seeing are not masked as easily.

As you said he's selfish. Yep he's that also.

You need to make some drastic changes to the way things are, and the reasons you came to BB or else things will always go from bad to worse.

Gambling can be and is an addiction for so many. It's a very serious addiction indeed!
Extremely damaging.
Along with alcoholism. (Throw in any others too there ofcourse).

IMO reducing the mortgage will just allow him to gamble more money.

Even if you're not married, exactly the same Laws apply. Except for divorcing ofcourse.

Good luck with any actions you take, if you take any.

EM xx

Just need help

Laurenlexi33 — Sun, 30 Aug 2020 08:56:44 GMT

Hi Em,

I read what you wrote I think 10 rims over and over and each time I did, it made more and more sense.
his behaviour is unacceptable, and although he Has done some things

( maintenance) jobs during this time the minute those things are over, so is the attitude.
I shouldn’t be making excuses for him, he is a grown adult , just very selfish and can only see his own problems.
I do need to make drastic changes , I am afraid to do them as I’ve mentioned leaving , I don’t want to have times without my daughter.
I also have ptsd from a previous relationship which was physically abusive and ended up going through the high courts for years. I ended up in a psych ward after that all ended. The though for obvious reasons terrifies me.... as there is a small innocent child who is my world.
And he would be the type to play dirty.

the gambling is very addictive, and there have been spouts of going at it flat out , to none at all.
never gambled a cent in our rship before all this. ( again am I making a excuse)

I just don’t know if this can fixed , it the trust can be built.
he is currently being more attentive to our daughter as I have made myself less available and put the responsibility on him.
I am not reducing the morgage , only just paying the minimum, as that’s all I can afford to keep us here.

the going from job to job... huge red flag. Agree, and I find it selfish that he can’t secure these jobs for the sake of his family and my mental health.

now with covid I don’t know how long this will go for , and what options I can do or take.

i thank you em for your support and upmost honesty!

LL xx

Just need help

therising — Sun, 30 Aug 2020 19:37:53 GMT

Hi Laurenlexi33

It can definitely be hard when we're questioning our partner's behaviour and what we're reading isn't altogether clear

Is my partner a stubborn narcissist or has he found himself stuck in a depression or a low he's unable to acknowledge? 'Nup, there's nothing wrong with me!'
Does my partner enjoy being an addict (drugs, alcohol, gambling etc) or does he not know how to live? For example, does he have a brain that craves excitement but doesn't know how to gain excitement in constructive fulfilling ways?
Is my partner lazy when it comes to holding down a job or does he find it difficult working for other people? Maybe there is a legitimate issue when it comes to tolerating co-workers or bosses. Personally, I have a friend who admits he simply can't work for others. This is why he successfully runs his own business. From a different angle, are the jobs unfulfilling? Is he yet to find his thing he vibes well with? You'll have some folk who can stick with a job they hate for years before they quit. Then they can go onto another job they hate, before quitting years later. Such a person may only have 4 jobs in their lifetime, yet the truth remains they barely tolerated them. The jobs were all depressing. Another person will know straight away they don't like a job, they'll leave to go onto the next one. They refuse to suffer and won't waste any time. They can try 10 different jobs or roles in a 5 year period before they find the one they love. It's in their nature to not waste time in suffering. Of course, in this case there are consequences under certain circumstances, such as not having a regular reliable income in union with their partner
This one's a bit quirky: Does my partner have a solid identity or do they not know how to identify their self? What I mean by this is...you can have a partner who always believes they're right based on them identifying strongly with their beliefs. Eg: 'I believe I don't need a job to be happy. I believe I don't need to have regular sleep patterns. I believe I don't need to manage my self because there's nothing wrong with me'. Compare that with 'I don't know why I can't find a satisfying job. I can't recognise the benefits of good sleep hygiene. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know who I am anymore'.

So, I suppose, the challenge in this case is to figure our who your partner really is. By the way, I am also challenged to question a lot of my husband's behaviours. It's an eyeopening process.

🙂

Just need help

geoff — Sun, 30 Aug 2020 20:42:53 GMT

Hi Lauren, I was so intrigued by a comment you made and please excuse me for mentioning it 'he would be the type to play dirty', so I'm wondering whether your trust has been broken, because when you ask an alcoholic how many drinks they've had, they will not tell you the truth, as I said before the same applies to a gambler.

I can't tell you what to do but can you transfer all the direct debits over to an account you can only handle and leave the joint account for the mortgage, it's hard to know exactly how much he is using to gamble and no one could ever take your daughter away from you because they're a punter.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Just need help

Laurenlexi33 — Mon, 31 Aug 2020 02:11:34 GMT

Hi again Geoff

100% trust has been broken and that’s isn’t from just the gambling here and there. Hid definitely done things That I struggle to forgive and forget.

and yes I am going to transfer the direct debts I think it’s the best way to move forward for now.

when I mean take my daughter

I mean basically him just having the rights to be with her , see her ect. I don’t think I can handle that being she’s still so little.

thanks Geoff

Just need help

Laurenlexi33 — Mon, 31 Aug 2020 02:26:55 GMT

Hi therising

thanks for your response

I think that’s the most exhausting part... is he a narcissist or like you said stuck in a depression of mental health himself.
he is extremely stubborn

I think he is someone who has to have purpose, needs to be doing something constructive otherwise this is when this behaviour tends to creep in.

he definitely isn’t lazy with work that I can say with 100% confidence. Unfortunately for him the jobs his had, he left one to go to a better high paying job , and that failed.
then went to another company worked there for awhile and then they let him go as the company wasn’t doing well. His in construction btw.
then he went to work for a labour hire company, in March this year he stated

things were great, then the pandemic slowed the work down that now has eventually gone to nothing. Still employed just not working. Heis a hard worker on the jobs and is extremely physical can just go go go.

but yes, to your last comment, finding out who he really is I have gained insights through these troubled times. How he handles things ect. And im sure there’s more to uncover.
My biggest issues as I’ve mentioned to Geoff is trust , I question everything in my mind what’s the truth what’s a lie.
he broke the trust and I struggle with gaining it back. Especially when things are already Rocky.

thanks for your reply x

Just need help

therising — Mon, 31 Aug 2020 09:40:30 GMT

Hi Laurenlexi33

The trust aspect is definitely a biggy. I believe trusting our partner to make the best, most constructive decisions for the relationship and for the family unit largely comes down to taking responsibility (including responsibility for their own actions). The ability to respond to what is needed in the way of moving forward is typically what gives a relationship its strength. To have lost trust in our partner can equate to losing faith in them, in some ways. I've discovered this for myself in my own relationship.

The challenge becomes about developing greater faith in our self, the kind that says we can handle what comes our way, the kind that says we can trust in our intuition.

🙂

Just need help

Laurenlexi33 — Mon, 31 Aug 2020 10:39:59 GMT

Completely agree, and My gut and intuition tells me he cannot he trusted. He will always be a liar in my eyes , he will always do things shifty to Benift himself especially when it comes to money. It’s been caught and seen to many times.
I hope your relationship is good and better then mine.
he absolutely exhausts me. We sit in the same room and may as well be in different country’s. The only communication is baby stuff, when I’m going to work , just the basic shit.
feels dead to me. Sad but true