topic Relationship with a covert narcissist - any advice/options? in Relationship and family issues

Relationship with a covert narcissist - any advice/options?

batticus — Tue, 13 Apr 2021 01:33:02 GMT

I have been with my girlfriend for 5 years now. Despite everything I love her dearly.

She is incredibly charming, attractive and intelligent. I was (and in ways still am) hooked. What I found though was only a month or so into the relationship things changed. I've had a long battle with anti-depressants - they caused all sorts of issues, unfortunately some in the bedroom. My GF took this extremely personally, I was yelled and screamed at on more than one occasion despite my best efforts to try and reassure her it wasn't her fault.

This manifested into a sexless relationship - I would guess we have had sex a dozen times maybe in the 5 years we've been together. We express intimacy in other ways which is fine but there's problems there. We have only just started sorting through this but it's a case of going one step forwards, two steps back. I have what I consider to be a normal libido, hers is extremely low.

The issue is even the slightest hint of criticism causes here to react severely. I look back on the last 5 years and realise I've been treading on eggshells for a big part of that time. It's preventing us from working through issues in the relationship. Whenever there is an issue, I end up being the one to apologise - it's the easiest way to keep the peace.

The way she treats me varies widely. Sometimes she is very affectionate and warm, other times extremely cold and silent. If I try and talk to her when in a bad mood, in the past it has caused a full blown tantrum. I used to think it was my fault. I started bending over backwards to try and make her feel better, I thought I wasn't good enough. I figured if I work hard enough I'll make her happy and things will be better.

There's so much more I could write about but I'm running out of space. I'm exhausted at times and I get little to no support from her in any of my own pursuits or interests. I have depression and anxiety and again I get very little support from her. She asks how I am going but I can tell she isn't actually interested.

I've been reading about narcissists, particularly covert narcissists. Just going through the checklist of common traits... it's describing my GF perfectly. It explains so much. She has no friends, often puts people off-side, and in many ways is very selfish. She is always the victim, even when it's obvious she was the one at fault.

Has anyone got experience with covert narcissists? Is there things I can do to help? Or am I stuck? I would be so grateful for any advice.

Relationship with a covert narcissist - any advice/options?

white knight — Tue, 13 Apr 2021 06:57:45 GMT

Thankyou for a well written post

My first marriage lasted 11 years, 11 years too long. Almost immediately after our wedding she used a most effective tool- silence. I didnt know until many years later that it is a form of narcissism. Eg She'd sleep till 2pm and with two tiny kids to look after. I'd work 3 jobs and look after the kids as she didnt. So she was lazy. I'd end up yelling and that would be the catalyst for not talking one word to me for 6 weeks or more. It was hell.

Also she had a near non existent libido. That problem in itself is hard enough to tolerate but with all the other stresses it all manifested. After 11 years I was so low I made an attempt. I saved myself from that act, one week later I left her, knowing I would not survive staying with her.

I think counseling would help you a lot and it may highlight some deficiencies in her outbursts that seem childish . Unfortunately incompatibility might be the core of the problem but counseling is worth a try. You could be an "enabler" in the relationship as your situation reminds me of mine a lot. My ex wife knew I ran around for her so she played on that and I ended up totally burnt out and suicidal.

I hope I've helped. Repost anytime

TonyWK

Relationship with a covert narcissist - any advice/options?

Guest_3256 — Wed, 14 Apr 2021 08:01:01 GMT

Hi buddy.

Welcome here to the forum and for reaching out and can imagine how much suffering that you are going through. Walking on eggshells as in trying to keep them happy is exactly what you are doing that will enable what we call inappropriate bad behaviour for someone who experiences a personality illness.

"She asks how I am going but I can tell she isn't actually interested," this is the biggest sign of behavioral issues. Someone who experiences bad behaviour will ask this quest, usually and always in the first instance.

I recently asked for time out from my ex who has NPD and I have so much experience. Toxic people will make your blood boil and wipe you out in one clean hit, especially if this is the first time dealing with these behaviours.

Personality illnesses are reaction based so if you are clean cut and tell her that you will not be accepting her behaviour and that she must take responsibility for her actions, then let her be.

You need to not give her any reactions - people who experience behaviour issues are ALWAYS looking for a reaction.

People who cannot control their thoughts, have difficulties controlling themselves, if they cannot commit to being healthy, they cannot commit to being healthy for others and if they do not love themselves, they will not others.

The only people who may be able to help is the local mental health unit or mental health team because people who suffer and cannot control their personality/ behavior usually need to be medically seen or admitted for investigation.

Pease look after yourself.

Relationship with a covert narcissist - any advice/options?

batticus — Thu, 15 Apr 2021 04:23:23 GMT

Hi TonyWK, thank you so much for your reply

It's funny you mention about the sleeping in/laziness. My GF's home is a mess. Dirty dishes, so bad she actually has an ant problem in the kitchen. She seems unable to clean up after herself. She manages to find time to watch TV etc. though. On the weekends I stay over at her house - I like to be up fairly early to get things done. She prefers to sleep in till 9 or so. If I get up early, she gets annoyed as it causes her to wake up. So I end up having to lie in bed awake until she wakes up! Otherwise she will be stroppy.

The bedroom situation is draining to say the least. I've tried to talk about our issues there and she is so defensive. Her only method of defence is to attack it seems. She once told me that I'm like "all men" who really only want sex and nothing else. Given I had been with her for 3 years or so - getting counselling (she wasn't willing to attend when I suggested couples counselling), trying all I could to help her feel comfortable. I ended up still being the one to apologise. There's only so much rejection one can deal with.

There have been times in the relationship where my depression has become so bad that it was what I consider dangerous for my safety. I'm fortunate enough to have a supporting Mum and some friends I can go to when the going get tough.

I feel like I'm demonising her, which is not at all my intention - I love her and care deeply for her. I don't believe a lot of her behaviour is necessarily deliberate. You may be right about me being an enabler though. I can see how I actually am rewarding the behaviour. Things as they are at present can't go on a great deal longer.

Thanks so much TonyWK

Relationship with a covert narcissist - any advice/options?

batticus — Thu, 15 Apr 2021 04:31:00 GMT

Hi Jsua

Thank you for your reply I really appreciate it

You are so right - I'm starting to see how I'm actually feeding her bad behaviour. I've tried for 5 years to try and support her, thinking if I did the right things etc. been a good enough partner she would be happy, and we'd have a great relationship. I realise I'm fighting what appears to be a losing battle.

The silent treatment isn't happening again. The next time it happens I'm not putting up with it. Most of the Easter long weekend consisted of me getting the silent treatment.

We've been together a long time and she wants to progress the relationship to the next stage... i.e. me proposing to her. I just don't see it happening with things as they are. She has put a bit of pressure on me regarding this, something I find odd given how angry she has been with me when I've even diplomatically tried to address concerns about the relationship with her.

I'm seeing my counsellor next week so will get their thoughts too.

Meanwhile I'm doing lots of reading about covert narcissism to try and understand ways I can stop enabling the behaviour.

Relationship with a covert narcissist - any advice/options?

Guest_3256 — Thu, 15 Apr 2021 05:12:26 GMT

Hi Buddy, welcome back.

I won't lie, it can be a really tough situation to experience, it can be really confusing and a lot of the times you feel like you are a bad person and you may start to doubt yourself. I cannot stress enough that you do speak to someone about your concerns and really try to focus on yourself. A lot of healthy partners, without realising it may start to believe that they have something wrong with them, they may feel like they are not good enough, they may feel an overwhelming amount of neglect - this is the real tricky part because it is a form of abuse and can have such a toll on who you are and one may even lose track of who they are - depression.

I would recommend looking after yourself as much as you can and I also want to let you know that this situation, what your partner is going through, doesn't make her a bad person, she just needs to accept that treating others, especially you like this is not healthy in any form and is not your fault.

Please put yourself.

Relationship with a covert narcissist - any advice/options?

white knight — Thu, 15 Apr 2021 05:12:41 GMT

You are learning fast.

The following link is the clearest example of what we are talking about with silent treatment.

https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/blog/silent-treatment-as-a-way-to-punish-stonewalling-in-narcissistic-relationships

I can honestly say that after 11 years of that I was insane as it led me to my attempt of suicide. I'm lucky, I recalled my father telling me months earlier "better to be the best part time father than no dad at all".

Amusingly once I drove to collect my children years later. Her second husband appeared at the gate and asked me..."Tony I have a problem with C... I need your advice". "Dont tell me L....she wont rise in the morning for work, leaves you with all the cooking house cleaning finances...." So that exonerated me, I felt proven of my issues with her. This is because, as that article above says...these lazy people have a good knack of turning things around to blame you.

The next partner I had (10 years) was a closet alcoholic. I tried hard to get her off the booze. One day we argued she said "It's because of you that I drink too much and end up hitting you".

Partners that tolerate these people are devoted and tolerant, until its too much to bare.

Not all people act this way. You say you love her, not doubt you do, unfortunately love is more than adoring a personality. It should include consideration, care, near equal effort, appreciation and a big one compatibility. Ironically my first wife was not interested in sex. I'd known from my past relationships there was nothing wrong with me there, it seemed very lazy people have little interest in love making but that could be a sweeping statement unfair to some.

TonyWK

Relationship with a covert narcissist - any advice/options?

FeathersnFluff — Sat, 17 Apr 2021 23:02:21 GMT

Hi Batticus

My young son is married to a Narcissist. His life is not easy. Tony will give you some very good sound advice. One thing my son has found helpful is a link I sent him to a Facebook page....Melanie Tonia Evans. She has podcasts and tools to help people understand how a Narcissist thinks and operates and also how you may be unwittingly enabling them. I hope this may be of some help to you. You are not just supposed to survive in a relationship, there is a better life for you out there. Good luck.

Relationship with a covert narcissist - any advice/options?

Indy20 — Thu, 29 Apr 2021 22:10:15 GMT

I think my partner maybe a narcissist. I can never do anything right I am always in trouble in front of other people it’s looks as if he is perfect partner but behind closed doors I am yelled at constantly put down I am lazy I am selfish I am self obsessed I have now got severe depression and if it’s cry he can’t stand it I feel as if I al loosing my mind and he tells me I made him that way

Relationship with a covert narcissist - any advice/options?

Kailan — Mon, 03 May 2021 11:02:05 GMT

Im currently going through a separation with my husband who I believe is a malignant narcissist. IV suffered emotional abuse for years and financial and physical abuse. When he heard me talking to a DV line crying he got in car and went to police to get a AVO on me . I had to escape family home to safety . He has taken my son I'm currently fighting for my child back and trying to figure out how to get our belongings back . Too anyone encountering a narc please take pics write down a diary keep evidence . I always documented everything even DV calls these people will railroad you when you least expect it . Have a escape plan I sticky taped my documents under drawers as he would hide needed documents to prevent me from leaving take car keys hide birth certificates . I'm still coming to terms with what this marriage has done to me .

May I add he waited for me to be 5 days out of surgery. To do this so my healing has not happened.

Narcs are dangerous and I recommend reading as much about it as possible education is key and never let them know your on too them . Unfortunately I thought I could change him and as soon as he found out I knew what he was my existence was in danger

Relationship with a covert narcissist - any advice/options?

Sophie_M — Mon, 03 May 2021 11:52:52 GMT

Hi Kailan,

We are so sorry to hear that are currently going through a separation from an abusive husband. We can hear that it's been a distressing and turbulent time for you. Please know that this is a safe space to talk about what you're going through and how you're feeling. Others in our community have been through similar and can relate.

It sounds like you have left the situation, but in any case please know that you can always get in touch with 1800RESPECT. They offer 24/7 confidential information, counselling and support for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice and support to anyone who has been through trauma like this. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or visit https://www.1800respect.org.au/

You may also find some helpful information on our page “Separation and divorce”.

Thanks for reaching out here. Please feel free to create a thread of your own if you'd like to seek some support from the community.

Relationship with a covert narcissist - any advice/options?

batticus — Tue, 01 Jun 2021 05:48:19 GMT

Hi all

I'm still here, trying to navigate the difficulties of the relationship. I've done LOTS of reading about narcissism; and particularly working hard to not feed those tendencies. I'm being more assertive and not just 'going with the flow' all the time. Standing up for what my own beliefs and views are; trusting my own judgement I suppose.

One of our issues is that we both live in separate houses. This isn't something that bothers me much; but I almost always have to stay at her house should we spend an evening together. I think for every 20 times I've stayed at her house, she's stayed at mine only once. It's only on weekends I stay over; she doesn't seem keen on doing anything like that during the week.

I expressed my feelings about this; in a nice way; saying how it would be so nice to spend quality time like this together DURING the week.. as opposed to just on the weekends. She said that I'd better propose to her then; rather than string her along. The suggestion I'm stringing her along was hurtful.

To me it all seems in the wrong order... aside from the obvious issues re. her narcissistic tenancies; there's a certain type of closeness that isn't there; mainly because we don't spend that kind of time together very often. Talking about proposing / marriage etc. seems kind of unrealistic when I don't feel the relationship is at that point. It makes me feel very lonely at times.

In my previous relationship which was comparatively "normal" - whatever normal means - we had the ability to be vulnerable and open to each other - something that has never really existed in my current relationship. I regret leaving that relationship. It was a huge mistake in hindsight.

I guess these concerns I will need to address at some stage but I am always worried at how she will respond. The slightest hint of criticism she takes personally and will throw it back at me. I'm out of energy, I really don't have the strength to face that just yet.

I'm sorry for the rambling, but I've been anxious all day about this and it's really knocking me about.

Relationship with a covert narcissist - any advice/options?

white knight — Tue, 01 Jun 2021 07:23:36 GMT

Hi,

Some people usually some females in my experience, have a fixation on getting married regardless of their partner not being ready. If she wanted a full on defacto relationship as a trial, then why not try that?. If you asked her about a defacto relationship my guess is she'll baulk at the idea. If so then that would prove the above theory correct.

My assumption base don all the posts is that you both aren't compatible. A loving relationship shouldnt be that hard to maintain. It should be fun and exciting.

Repost anytime.

TonyWK

Relationship with a covert narcissist - any advice/options?

batticus — Wed, 02 Jun 2021 05:26:18 GMT

Hi TonyWK

I don't want to come to terms with what you say, but there's a part of me that realises you're probably right. A relationship shouldn't be this hard.

The thought of leaving her is frankly terrifying. I've spent over five years now with her being the centre of my world and still love her. I also realise, the balance of the relationship is not healthy. I've only just started to realise how I have been manipulate with various tactics to remain subservient for want of a better word. I've had silent treatment, verbal abuse, love-bombing and subtle gas lighting. I've become dependant on her, I no longer know what it means to be myself. My identity is being with her.

Under all that, I strongly believe she's not a bad person; and that these narcissistic tendencies are quite possibly involuntary. I don't believe she deliberately does these things. I suspect she as a result from her fairly difficult upbringing had to become increasingly self-reliant but also developed narcissistic behaviour patterns.

I am also very concerned that she has no close friends. Her mum unfortunately suffers from serious mental illness. The only person she has other than myself, is her Dad. And with him; she doesn't have a deep relationship. I'm so worried what would happen to her if I was to leave as I know she loves me; it would hurt her to no end. Sadly she has little self awareness so even if leading up to me leaving we were constantly arguing, it would likely still come as a total shock.

I've tried nearly everything to make the relationship work but I accept that sometimes despite all these things, it still will never be enough. It sounds cowardly but I also am scared of how it will affect me; I have quite severe anxiety and depression as it is - a traumatic event like that could be dangerous.

Thanks again for your insight

Relationship with a covert narcissist - any advice/options?

FiFiK — Wed, 02 Jun 2021 11:22:07 GMT

Hi Batticus

I was in a relationship with a covert narc. for 25 years and it never got better, in fact, it got worse. Guilt....I stayed at first because of guilt, so i relate to your words. His mother was mentally unwell, father psychologically absent and his brother and sister had their own issues. So I felt I was the only person who could help. The truth is he had survived the first 23 years of his life without me and would have survived the rest without me. You mentioned that you have been together for 5 years, so she survived before you came along and will most likely continue to do so if you leave.

I was lovebombed and idealised and put up on a pedestal - I felt amazing, as though I was so loved. But then came the devaluation through his anger (rage), disinterest, criticism, stonewalling, gaslighting and manipulation plus so much more . Most of the time I was confused and racked with doubt. I didn't know which way was up or down.

Marriage appears unreasonable without some time living together (unless not permitted for cultural or religious reasons). It sounds like emotional manipulation. Being stripped of your self-worth is common in abusive or toxic relationships, it keeps the abuser in a power position. The way you feel now 'terrified' that can be a sign of an abusive relationship. Maybe she lacks insight and is unaware of her actions but that doesn't remove your right to happiness. In the past you left another relationship and although I can't imagine that was easy, you have proof of your own self-reliance and courage. If possible some form of counselling might help you to re-gain your sense of power and agency.

Don't be like me and waste your years on someone who doesn't let you be yourself and be happy.

All the best.

Relationship with a covert narcissist - any advice/options?

batticus — Tue, 15 Jun 2021 03:15:43 GMT

Hi FiFik

What you describe sounds so eerily familiar. I've done everything I can to 'fix' this person and it's achieved very little. While things are better than earlier on, a relationship shouldn't be this hard.

I find draining the ups and downs. We went away for the long weekend, and I had a nice time. Now that it's been pointed out, I guess what I'm experiencing is the love-bombing. As soon as something more important comes up, I am no longer treated that way and am no longer a priority to her; well at least that's how it feels.

That yo-yo-ing causes me to get so confused. In a strange way, it's easier if the person is being awful all the time; at least you know where you stand. But when they go from being aloof and cold to warm and fuzzy in fairly rapid succession; it's almost impossible to keep up. I start doubting myself; even not sure if I've remembered things correctly any more. I don't know what to believe!

Right now I have no idea what's going on. We had this nice little holiday and everything seems peachy... BUT I'm anxious that things will suddenly change. The treatment you describe (anger (rage), disinterest, criticism, stonewalling, gaslighting and manipulation) I get too. Not so much the anger/rage part now... that was earlier on... but I realise that has stopped because I'm doing what she wants most of the time.

I'm sure you can relate to this, I went out for my lunch break today... I feel like I'm in a fog - so tired and confused. Trying to think about easier times.

Thanks so much again

Relationship with a covert narcissist - any advice/options?

Guest_3256 — Thu, 17 Jun 2021 07:41:18 GMT

Hi buddy.

I want you to know that we need to be focused as much as we can on all things positive, especially when we are around someone who may experience behavioral difficulties. As partners, we also serve as carers for each other. We need to be supportive, loving and compassionate towards people and our partners, for it is us who can help them improve and to be the best versions. We can never fix/change someone and we never try to do this as we love and accept people for who they are. Someone who is mentally and physically strong will have minimal difficulties filling this role. If not, it might be best to focus on building ourselves to be the best version we can be as this will improve our relationship and to live a happy and prosperous life.

Conclusion: we need to accept our partners for who they are and know that we cannot fix or change them. It is our job to support them, love them and to be compassionate as we all want to be the versions of ourselves.

Relationship with a covert narcissist - any advice/options?

Gaslitfor18years — Mon, 27 Jun 2022 05:46:12 GMT

I'm just exiting an 18 year marriage, I believe my wife is a covert Narcissist. The circumstances are bizarre and my councillor says they are so bizarre I couldn't have made them up. She is beautiful and interesting and the sex was always great, but I was gradually diminished and gaslit over time. It started small and grew, I loved her and continually overlooked the twisted retelling of events and the lies. Three years ago she decided that she was reincarnated after having past life regression therapy to try to solve her issues with her mother, next came the online affair with someone she'd never met, then plotting to visit him. All through her life with me she has found someone to hate and blame in her workplaces, never holding a job for long, failures are always the fault of others, eventually it worked its way to me. Then there was the affair with the IT guy at work who helped her try to displace the boss shr opposed, when I found that out because of the late work nights and suspicious behaviour I became the enemy. Marriage counselling yielded lies about me, told in such a way that the counsellor accused me of being the narc. Theres much more, but eventually I was worn down, played into her hands and moved out, then I was branded a DV abuser and AVO was sought but not successful. Locks on doors were changed, her family gathered around, her flying monkeys. My 2 boys knew she told lies and were unimpressed by the drama, but she manipulated me, couldn't get my belongings unless she had a support person there, diminished me, controlled me. I now face losing my imagined future, she tried reeling me back in at the same time as lining up the next partner, a guy who'd been interested when I met her, clearly my financial prospects were better, now she's sleeping with him. There are so many things that make her a covert narc that theres no room here to explain, but my advice is to get out, I still feel like I love her but its an illusion, everything was always about what she wanted and I danced to the tune, just leave the relationship.