topic My journey so far. Is this emotional neglect? in Relationship and family issues

My journey so far. Is this emotional neglect?

MissBenthos — Thu, 08 Apr 2021 00:42:46 GMT

PART 1 OF 4: SYMPTOMS

Before I sought help I had not felt a single positive emotion in years. I was sleep-deprived and crying every night over the frustrations of not being able to sleep. Attempting to soothe the unrelenting anxiety that had me trembling in the safety of my own bed and the emptiness that stripped my soul with food and alcohol, it didn't matter that I was on the verge of throwing up, I needed to stuff more down because I remained feeling empty. I was dissociating at times - the kind where I thought I was in a dream not reality. Inwardly exploding with anger. Exhausted. Beating myself up for being this way. Grieving for the joy that felt beyond my reach and the life I was missing out on. I was there but I couldn't feel it. All food tasted the same. Music sounded like white noise. Spending time with friends was a chore. Everything felt pointless. I saw myself as a wondering zombie in an empty world. With the sleep I could reach I would dream of endless zombie mobs lunging at me, no matter how many I defeated, there were always more.

It had felt this way since forever. I was told life isn't easy. Besides, others have it worse, what do I have to complain about? I was suicidal and yet my inner voice was hounding at me to "have a cup of cement and stop being a little @*$%^!" rather than seek help or discuss my feelings with anyone. I would never consider a comment like that towards anyone else. I had plenty of respect, patience and caring for other people, and none for myself.

It was time to see a doctor. No, not for my mental health, for a pap smear - the regular physical check-up - I had no issues with physical assessments.

Towards the end of the appointment, my doctor asked if "there was anything else?". I said "No." She persisted with "Are you sure?". At that moment I froze. I couldn't speak, only break down into tears. I don't remember how, but we managed to organise a session with a psychologist.

My journey so far. Is this emotional neglect?

MissBenthos — Thu, 08 Apr 2021 03:05:26 GMT

PART 2 OF 4: HELP

During the first few months of seeing a psychologist I was so ashamed of myself for being there. I couldn't get words out and I'd cry for the entire session, embarrassing myself further, then proceed to tell myself how useless I was for wasting everyone's time. I didn't understand why I was this way. I had never been through anything traumatic. I came from a loving family. No financial problems. Fine physical health. I didn't know what to talk about in my sessions except to address minor things that were happening at the time like how it was a pain that my boss micromanaged me. I felt like I was complaining over nothing and they must be getting tired of me. I found it difficult to comprehend that someone wanted to hear me speak about myself.

What was wrong with me? I researched so many mental illnesses. I considered personality disorders and neurodivergency. The depression and anxiety were severely impacting my life and I didn't know where to start in addressing it. I didn't know how to express what I was feeling. I felt under pressure to speak during psychology sessions. My head would spin. What if I said the wrong thing? What if someone else needs this session and I'm taking up the time with my attention-seeking? Those thoughts weren't clear enough to bring up. All I knew was shame. I shared that I was embarrassed but when asked "why?" I didn't know the answer. I felt pathetic and stupid.

A few years pass. I'd become better at opening up with people in my life, including the professionals. My self-talk was much more compassionate. I was on medication that helped symptoms immensely. I could sleep like a normal person. I had feelings again and a genuine smile! I was in a much better headspace despite something still eating at me on a deeper level. My psychiatrist concluded that it was chemical so doubled my medication. Around the same time I finally allowed space to be honest with myself about my sexuality. Symptoms continued to improve but I continued seeking answers. I still couldn't put my finger on where triggers and relapses came from.

My journey so far. Is this emotional neglect?

MissBenthos — Thu, 08 Apr 2021 03:07:04 GMT

PART 3 OF 4: FAMILY

I had spent most of my life finding difficulty getting along with my younger sister, thinking that our personalities just clash too much. I was told we were both too stubborn. I generally tried to avoid going beyond surface-level greetings with her as anything more tended to end with arguments. Having improved my communication and boundary-setting skills over the past few years I tried to reconnect with her. Nothing worked though. When I shared that I had been struggling with depression her remark was that I "should stop using it as an excuse" which hurt and confused me. I followed up with some more information in case she didn't understand and was met with claims about how she knows more about this stuff than I do and how I need to stop pity seeking.

From there I observed. I realised many traits of covert narcissism in her. She felt unreachable in an emotional capacity. Every interaction was painful. This was the first time it had occurred to me that it actually might be impossible to have a meaningful relationship with her. Other family members continued with the same type of rhetoric I'd always heard: "she'll grow out of it" / "you just have to see things from her perspective and be patient" / "try harder to be nice" / "stop being selfish and think of the family" / "why do you have to be so negative all the time?" / "she's your sister, you have to get along".

Narsissistic behaviours like this don't come out of no where though. I began questioning what happened to make her that way? What was my part in it? I am the older sister, how could I have let her down like this?

That's when it clicked.

The comments regarding my sister were all forms of gaslighting. I WAS trying! SO hard! None of those things said were fair or took my experience into consideration. My sister was a full-grown adult at this time, where is her accountability for our relationship? And why does family get a free pass to be abusive with no consequences? Why do we have to pretend that we're a perfectly together family? Does no one else see the pandering that is done to avoid her unreasonable explosive anger? Why am I being guilt-tripped into keeping toxic people in my life?

My journey so far. Is this emotional neglect?

MissBenthos — Thu, 08 Apr 2021 03:09:15 GMT

PART 4 OF 4: ROOTS

It's so normalised in my family I couldn't see it. I can now think back to so many unfortunate phrases on repeat from parents and others I grew up with.

"You're: too sensitive/being silly/disrespectful/rude/overreacting/self-absorbed/lazy/ungrateful."
(What you're wearing/your behaviour/your interests) "It's not a good look."
"Every day is a good day."
"If you don't have anything nice to say don't say it at all."
"Why can't you take a joke?"
"The world doesn't revolve around you."
"Be grateful you have a roof over your head and food."
"Come on, it's not that bad."

There's no ability to have a real conversation or real emotions. Anything perceived as negative is swept under the rug or gossipped about in whispers. Anything relatable is turned to shame when it's the subject of gossip - "Johnny didn't invite Jane to his Sunday lunch. What a sad man! I would never treat family like that!". "Smile for the picture" (so we can demonstrate what a perfectly happy family we are). I struggle to talk about myself because my true emotions were a burden. I didn't feel seen or heard. I didn't feel like I was taken seriously. When every choice is criticised how do we make decisions? How can I be good enough?

My sister probably felt the same.

I feel anxiety talking so poorly about my family. They never had bad intentions. They're only repeating what they were taught and doing what they believe is best. I can't be their therapist, I have enough to work on for myself. It's another thing to feel guilty about. I want to share my story but I expect that no one would want to read my ramblings. What if it's written poorly and I can't be understood? What if my experiences are thought of as nothing significant anyway? Did I articulate what I meant? Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about anyway. Why do I care so much about what anyone else thinks? Am I looking for permission? I keep editing my words.

I know where my poor self-esteem, shame and lack of purpose comes from now. I don't hate my family but I'm also at a stage where I don't feel comfortable spending time with them. They don't acknowledge many of my boundaries and it's draining to keep up with the perfectly happy facade. I still care and don't wish to cut them off. My current way of coping is to limit time with them - small doses.

My journey so far. Is this emotional neglect?

therising — Thu, 08 Apr 2021 11:45:59 GMT

Hi MissBenthos

You've come such a long way and should feel incredibly proud of all the effort you've put in. Truly inspirational!

It's definitely tough when you're sensitive enough to question yourself throughout your own evolution and you're surrounded by people who rarely question their own beliefs and behaviour. Sounds like you've had some significant epiphanies on your journey. That list you produced looks familiar. These expressions are so typical to the point where they can leave us feeling unheard and filled with so much self doubt. As kids, no one really teaches us how to question and why we should.

"You're: too sensitive/being silly/disrespectful/rude/overreacting/self-absorbed/lazy/ungrateful."

1.Why should I be insensitive, when sensitivity is an incredible natural or super natural ability? I have the super natural ability to sense when I'm standing opposite a degrading or dismissive person. I feel the impact of degradation and the impact of being dismissed. I can sense your nature through my feelings. 2.If you paid closer attention you'd see I'm not being 'silly'. 3.If you're reasonable, I'll be respectful. 4.My rudeness is sometimes an expression of my frustration. 5.I'm not overreacting, I'm reacting to what would trigger just about anyone under the circumstances. 6.I appear self-absorbed because sometimes I want more for myself. 7.I laze to relax plus there's not much excitement on offer. 8.I'm basically grateful yet refuse to settle for not gaining or achieving more

(What you're wearing/your behaviour/your interests) "It's not a good look."

Don't you wish someone had said 'You do you and be proud of your natural self. You stand out because you're outstanding!'

"Every day is a good day."

Sometimes I can't feel the good in the day. Show me how to feel it.

"If you don't have anything nice to say don't say it at all."

Why do I have to be a constant people pleaser? Are my words not of value unless they're pleasing others?

"Why can't you take a joke?"

It's not a joke if it's degrading

"The world doesn't revolve around you."

You either 🙂

"Be grateful you have a roof over your head and food."

I am grateful but, hey, isn't there more to life than a roof and food?

"Come on, it's not that bad."

Show me how this challenge is not that bad. Lead me to be a master of challenges, navigating with skill. Don't just brush off how I'm feeling and then give me no management plan

I believe one of the worst a child can hear is 'You need to toughen up'.

🙂

My journey so far. Is this emotional neglect?

MissBenthos — Tue, 13 Apr 2021 23:45:26 GMT

Thanks therising

Don't you wish someone had said 'You do you and be proud of your natural self. You stand out because you're outstanding!'

Yes. That would have been such a boost. Seeing it from you is lovely even though we don't know each other well.

"You're: too sensitive/being silly/disrespectful/rude/overreacting/self-absorbed/lazy/ungrateful."

The context behind these is in regards to occasions when I was labelled them innapropriately. For example: accidentally chipping a dinner plate while doing the dishes = yelled at for having no respect or care for other people's possessions. Then avoiding doing housework for fear of doing it wrong = lazy and ungrateful. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. I could never reach the perfection that was expected of me.

I'm struggling this week. I'm not sure what I need.

My journey so far. Is this emotional neglect?

therising — Wed, 14 Apr 2021 10:04:26 GMT

Hi MissBenthos

My18yo daughter would be able to sympathise with you regarding that feeling of never having done anything right (to a degree). While I try to be as reasonable as possible, finding reasons for things, her father is more old school. If my kids spend too much time in their rooms, he'll insist they come out and stop spending so much time in there. As I say 'If it was me, you'd have to lure me out by presenting me with something that was more interesting than what I was doing in my room'. If one of my kids broke a plate I'd find the reason for breaking the plate. My way of thinking would be 'It's just a plate. They didn't set out to break it or chip it. Sure, they could have been more careful but hey plates chip, it's their nature'. I've done it myself to be honest. Now, if I was dealing with fine bone China passed down through the generations, that would be a whole other story. I'd be washing it myself.

It's interesting how, when we're growing up, adults like to give us a running commentary on how we could be doing things better or how we're doing things wrong. I actually had an epiphany just the other day when it comes to how rare it is that we're told we're amazing. I think it suddenly hit when I thought 'Gee, that's amazing' when I surprised myself by something I'd done.Then my sister did something out of character that was both fearful and very courageous. I thought 'That's amazing!'. While teaching my daughter to drive, I told her I was going to take her out of her comfort zone. She agreed to face the challenge and did well. She was amazing. I think about all the times my 15yo son makes me laugh when I need a laugh and I find his nature and intuition amazing. The more amazed I am by things and people the more amazed I become. I look back on my life so far and finally recognise all the amazing things I've done, the challenges I've risen to, esp during my years in depression. To tell you the truth, I am both amazed and proud that I made it out alive.

Are you amazed by how much effort you've put into coming to know yourself better?

Are you amazed by how you have learned to open up?

Are you amazed by how sensitive you are to what raises you and what brings you down? Are you amazed when it comes to how sensitive you are in your ability to feel inspiration when it comes to you? Whether it leads you to feel a light hearted sensation or even a sudden chill (when something rings true), does this ability amaze you?

Truth is...you are amazing.

🙂

My journey so far. Is this emotional neglect?

MissBenthos — Thu, 15 Apr 2021 01:43:06 GMT

Are you saying you treat your daughter like what I've described and that's why she would have similar feelings? I'm not sure if I understand the meaning.

Today I'm not amazed, I don't feel amazing. I can barely keep up with everyday life. Perhaps being told I'm amazing is a step too far unbelievable for me right now. I appreciate the thought though 🙂 and it is nice to send the people around us more positive feedback, I agree. For me, the extremes like this feel fake, I need realness, I need validation. When I say I'm sad I want to know that I'm understood rather than being told everything I'm good at, it's almost like a deflection to not acknowledge my expression of sadness. I get where it comes from, it's just that when every single negative emotion is treated this way I feel shame for even having negative emotions.

I think growing up feeling heard would have made a difference. Like if my parents could have acknowledged the things I said and the emotions I expressed rather than brushing them off as nothing or pretending they didn't exist. The constant criticisms add to the feelings of uselessness. It can't be changed now. I know I need to enforce my boundaries harder and not engage with the manipulation that still occurs. For example; when mum insists that I call my sister then cries when I say no. I don't know why that still hits so hard and pulls me back into the drama. I feel guilty for doing it and guilty for not doing it.

My journey so far. Is this emotional neglect?

smallwolf — Thu, 15 Apr 2021 12:25:13 GMT

hi MissBenthos,

Time and space does not allow me to respond properly in one post.

Our parents raise us in the "best" way possible (for them) and based on their own experiences - I think. And yet things they say to us can have a negative way on how we see things, think etc. I was provided with everything I needed. Yet things from my youth come back to haunt me. The statements you mentions in one of your posts I am very familiar with.

You mentioned "Perhaps being told I'm amazing is a step too far unbelievable for me right now. " People will say similar things about me, that is, how good I am. For me there is also a difference between reality and my own expectations, combined with my (negative) experiences impacting on how we (read I) see ourselves. To believe a new narrative takes time. Elsewhere on the forum I have posted a story about a sheep trying to get to the other side of a paddock. It is an analogy of how we can rewrite our thoughts. If you are interested I could post it here.

That would only give you a tool on changing how you might see yourself and does not take away the pain you feel from family experiences. And if that also means you have to put up some boundaries then ... I know my psych told me to do things that I figured were difficult. Doing these things also showed me that I could. It is hard initially but gets easier over time.

If you want to chat more. I am here.

My journey so far. Is this emotional neglect?

Juliet_84 — Thu, 15 Apr 2021 13:00:50 GMT

Hi Missbenthos,

I agree with where you are coming from so much. I don’t consider myself a particularly “depressive” personality, despite being prone to bouts of melancholy, I still see the beauty in things and I love to laugh. But I do struggle with some “positive types”, and by positive types I mean people who basically try and sugar coat the human condition and deny you your feelings. I much prefer someone who can sympathize with something you go through, offer a similar anecdote and then you can both laugh about it together, to me that’s actual positivity. Being able to accept that life is full of good bits but also really crappy bits and sometimes you just need to vent about it to move on. I also find it interesting that the people who tell you that you are too sensitive also make a big deal about a chipped plate. It seems that only applies when it’s your feelings or something that you care about, but if it’s something that is important to them then it’s entirely unreasonable. I find that I am becoming more cantankerous as I get older and love pointing out these inconsistencies and double standards of people’s 🙂

My journey so far. Is this emotional neglect?

therising — Thu, 15 Apr 2021 21:26:26 GMT

Hi MissBenthos

With my daughter, it's more so her dad who leads her to frustration and disappointment. He's trying to change his behaviour, which is gradually changing their relationship. When I say 'old school', it's like when a parent picks out a lot of the things you're doing 'wrong' and will congratulate you/be proud of you when you're doing all the 'right' things, from their perspective. In this case, our lives become performance based. 'If I perform well, I am good. If I don't perform well, based on the expectations of others, I am failing to be good.' Personally, I try to wonder more than I judge. Say, if one of my kids is vibing on the couch all day, I may not judge them as lazy, instead I'll wonder why they're vibing on the couch all day. I may wonder whether they're lacking in energy for some reason or whether they need the relaxation time so as to restore energy levels. If they need the relaxation time, I'll leave them to it. If they're looking for a difference, I'll try leading them to what will make a difference. Taking the approach 'You're so lazy' and then just walking off serves no one. If anything, it's a downer.

I understand the validation aspect when it comes to not feeling so amazing. For a start, acknowledging the 'down' or upsetting feelings is important when we're trying to work out why we feel the way we do, what's led us to that point. If the opportunity for greater understanding is shut down, it all tends to cycle 'round and 'round, leaving us seemingly forever wondering in what feels like a depressing never ending cycle. I can recall, during my years in depression, something along the lines of 'Where the heck's my enlightenment?! Is this just what happens to others and not me?'

With the guilt that comes with disappointing our self and/or others, it can definitely trigger a lot of emotions. I try to be conscious of using guilt as a trigger to question 'Who do I want to be?', instead of letting it remain solely as a trigger to emotion. If I decide 'I want to be someone who is not degraded or brought down by that person' then that's who I need to become. If cutting them off is the most effective way, then that's the challenge I need to rise to. I can expect others will make this challenge difficult, based on their way of thinking and their emotions. I know I may sound a little detached but, hey, emotional detachment can be an ability that serves us well at times, in moving beyond what keeps us down or constantly triggered.

🙂

My journey so far. Is this emotional neglect?

Katyonthehamsterwheel — Fri, 16 Apr 2021 00:04:44 GMT

Hi there

Good on your for sharing and getting it all out there. I can relate a lot to what you've written. When I started to make sense of my relationship with my family, and what it was doing to me, I took a step back. I tried minimising contact, and in the end, I cut it all off. It's been 2 and a half years now and I feel the calmness in my life that I needed. Do I miss having a family? Yep. So, it's complicated. I'm sorry you're struggling with this too.

You mention wanting realness in your life. I think that's wonderful. It shows that your eyes are open. Unfortunately, some people's stay shut, and we have to deal with that. Do you have people in your life who value realness? Can you nurture those relationships?

Katy

My journey so far. Is this emotional neglect?

MissBenthos — Fri, 16 Apr 2021 09:54:45 GMT

smallwolf,

I would love to read your sheep story, thank you for sharing 🙂

Juliet_84,

Thanks for pointing that out. I'm starting to see the inconsistencies too such as the faux positivity combined with endless negative gossip. It's confusing.

therising,

Thanks for explaining, that's a nice approach. I will remember to ask myself 'who do I want to be?' when I find myself feeling guilty. Guilt and shame seem to be my ruling emotions, and family sure knows how to push those buttons.

Katyonthehamsterwheel,

Thanks for sharing. Sending you hugs for your family situation. I do have some amazing relationships in my life who value realness, I think it's partly due to these that I've been able to see the disfunction I come from. I was recently having a hard day and made one of these people worry about me when I spoke about it. I found myself apologising and trying to ease their worry. They said, "this is backwards, I'm supposed to be the one supporting you". It had never really occurred to me. I've always seen my emotions as a burden and treated them as such. It was a helpful wake-up call.

I still worry that if I complain for too long they're going to realise what a crappy person I am and not want to be around me. My concerns are unfounded with this person but they linger in the back of my mind anyway.

My journey so far. Is this emotional neglect?

therising — Sat, 17 Apr 2021 09:40:27 GMT

Hi MissBenthos

Guilt and shame can be horrible mental programs to be processing, every time they're triggered.

While I believe I have the guilt aspect kinda mastered (don't hold me to that), the shame one's a lot trickier in some cases. To me, shame feels so much more personal, like it just eats away at your soul in some way. Maybe it's because shame feels so much more degrading than guilt. With shame, comes those thoughts 'I've failed in some way/I'm a failure. I am less than. I am worth less (worthless) in some way, compared to others'. If there's a grading or degrading system, shame pretty much takes you to the bottom of the heap.

The only way that I've found, so far, to deal with shame involves asking those who degrade me 'What's your agenda?' Why do people use shame; to make themselves feel better, more accomplished in the area of 'higher consciousness', to measure their own worth in comparison to others, to lead people to humiliation and embarrassment, to remind us of the social standards? The list goes on when it comes to a possible agenda. It's interesting how in certain cultures instead of leading someone to shame, a village will congregate to discuss how they can lead that person to greater understanding, personal responsibility and support. This way, everyone in the village is invested in raising each other. It's about reforming people to be a greater version of themself, not deforming them to feel completely hideous inside and detached from themself and others.

From personal experience, I believe guilt can be productive where as shame is nothing other than destructive. So, you could say that when you feel shame, that truly horrible feeling that sits in your gut, your chest and your throat, you're feeling destruction of some nature. That's why it feels so bad. It is a mental program designed for self destruction.

To those who try to shame us, to them we could say 'You can keep your 'Shame' program, I'll be having none of that. I've worked way to hard and have come way too far to agree to self destruct at this point'.

🙂

My journey so far. Is this emotional neglect?

Healing123 — Mon, 11 Apr 2022 14:49:30 GMT

"Accidentally chipping a dinner plate while doing the dishes = yelled at for having no respect or care for other people's possessions. Then avoiding doing housework for fear of doing it wrong = lazy and ungrateful. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. I could never reach the perfection that was expected of me."

This couldn't express my childhood experience better!