topic My World in pieces Trigger warning: suicide attempt in Relationship and family issues

My World in pieces Trigger warning: suicide attempt

Kornblume — Mon, 25 Jan 2021 13:19:49 GMT

Hi, I been having a really hard time lately. Me and my husband are struggling a lot. All started a few months ago when he started drinking more excessively. He has always been drinking but most times quite well under control.

Iust noticed that he was getting less interested in activities and already started drinking in the morning on our days off. I was getting more depressed and unhappy with the situation. I told him it could not go on like this and that we would have to change something. He wanted to move out straight away an told me he also didn't want to live like that anymore, he said he felt to much pressure of doing work on our big property and paying off the mortgage.

I was very disappointed and did not think he would give up our relationship so easy. I am also very sad to sell the house as it was always my goal to live in a place like this.

Just before Christmas we put the house on the market and I found a small place in town where I can manage to live on my own.

We had three weeks of holidays and my husband was drinking more and more. When it was time to go back to work he called in sick most of the time and stayed home. A week ago on a evening shift I got a phone call from a neighbour that the ambulance had picked my husband up and that he was trying to take his own life.

I was in complete shock, and it was very traumatic to see him in the state he was at the emergency. I was very relieved that he did not succeed with his attempt but also had a very hard time believing that he did this in the first place.

He has agreed to go to the MHU voluntary and he is feeling very ashamed and sorry for what he did.

For me it just feels like an absolute nightmare, trying to juggle organising everything, packing up house, visits at the MHU meetings and still Keep working and also informing family about what had happened.

He is back home now the last two days and he promised me he stays sober untill the move is over and that he wants to help me. He also said that he would like to make a rehab later. I just feel very uncomfortable, after being really happy the first few days that he is still alive, now I am also very angry that he left me with the whole mess. I am also trying really hard not to upset or trigger him because I am so scared that he will go straight back to drinking or has another attempt to kill himself.

Sorry it has become a bit long and my written English is not that good. I just had to get this off my chest somehow.

My World in pieces Trigger warning: suicide attempt

Sophie_M — Mon, 25 Jan 2021 13:35:29 GMT

Hi Kornblume,

Welcome to our friendly online community. It sounds like you've had a turbulant time these last few months. We're so sorry to hear that your husband has attempted suicide. We understand how scared you would be feeling. Please know that you're not alone in this and that there is support available.

Can we ask if you are receiving mental health support to help you through all of the changes you've experienced lately? If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

You might also find some helpful advice on our page "Worried about someone suicidal" https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/suicide-prevention/worried-about-someone-suicida
We hope that you keep checking back in with us to let us know how you are going, whenever you feel up to it.

My World in pieces Trigger warning: suicide attempt

Croix — Fri, 29 Jan 2021 12:27:58 GMT

Dear Kornblume~

Your English is fine and your post is just right.

I saw about your difficulties on October which have now got so much worse. I guess the only good thing is selling a large property so as to have less mortgage pressure. No, I know it is not the sort of place you would have liked to live.

I'm not entirely sure but I think you and your husband are still living together, my apologies if I've misunderstood.

Now there are many pressures on you and you have every right to be angry, as well as maybe fearful and even blaming yourself for not picking up signs or acting as you did. Often there are no signs for you to pick up and your actions and advice have been very sensible.

By the sound of it you are the main financial support, being on shift work and having a husband who is not only needing alcohol to cope but not working and has reached the stage of being suicidal. All without the direct support of you family in Europe.

Sophie_M has given good advice and following those links will help, Particularly our 24/7 Help Line she mentions.

It can be the start of getting you help to deal with these matters if you do not have it already. Assisting someone where a close one to tries to take their life is a specialized matter requiring skill and experience, not often the work of a GP or ordinary councilor. I hope you take advantage of whatever is available.

I'd imagine one of you main worries is not to put pressure on your husband where he becomes overwhelmed again. When suicidal myself the pressures I was under where not exactly as one might expect, not mortgage, not marital strain, but guilt and feelings of failure and hopelessness. Not things easy for someone else to understand. These are the sorts of things an experienced therapist can explain. Guilt after an attempt to can play it's part, it did with me

These feelings may also explain resorting to drink. That is itself is hard for you to live with, it's hard to break the habit and agree to rehab. If he truly wants it to work there is a good chance it will

I expect the MRU is a health unit and it is excellent he has agreed to go - and that you are included too

I am concerned for you, you are under so much stress and pressure and need the greatest support possible, not only medical as we have mentioned, but personal. Is there anyone you can talk frankly to and share the burden?

Even by Skype to a family member overseas can make a difference, you are no longer isolated

Please return again

Croix

My World in pieces Trigger warning: suicide attempt

white knight — Fri, 29 Jan 2021 12:46:08 GMT

Hi, welcome

It seems that things got on top of your husband. Managing a large property means lots of physical work and in the back of his mind is the mortgage and other bills, then a trigger comes along and he drops off all interest. It is of course more complex than that and Criox has indicated well that this situation needs professional help.

Financial pressure is really problematical. Once the money problems fade away through changes made, then there is an opportunity to regroup as a couple and introduce new and exciting activities. My wife and I last year sold our country home and purchased a small block of land and have built a kit home on it. This has enabled us to be far better off financially and we now enjoy the movies, cafe vsits and the odd restaurant. It might not sound like much but to us its heaven of a lifestyle.

So, professional help, financial pressure release and encouragement is the way to go.

You could start with a GP visit. If your husband wont go then attend yourself.

TonyWK

My World in pieces Trigger warning: suicide attempt

Kornblume — Wed, 03 Feb 2021 13:12:05 GMT

Hi, I have posted a reply a while back but somehow must have gone missing ...

Anyway I would like to thank for the advice I got. My husband is back home from the hospital now for almost two weeks. He is doing very much better. He is focusing on the upcoming move and has been sober since he is back.

He was considering a rehab which we struggle to find a place in rural Qld that is affordable without private health and is not Christian based as he struggles a lot with any form of religion.

We do communicate but he does not want to talk about what got him so far to try and take his life and he also does not want to talk about what will happen after the move is over.

He is seeking help with his GP and also an organisation that helps him with his mental health and alkohol problems.

I still do believe that he blames me a lot for what happend and I would really like to talk to him about it, I struggle just going on and pretending nothing happend.

I am also scared of what will be if he starts drinking again. I really don't want this anymore but what if he is doing another suicide attempt? My trust in him is just faded so much and I just don't know him anymore,

My World in pieces Trigger warning: suicide attempt

Croix — Thu, 04 Feb 2021 13:39:26 GMT

Dear Kornblume~

I can understand what you need, to be able to talk frankly with him and say what made him suicidal, what makes him think you had a part in it (though that might just be an assumption of yours). You do need some sort of grounding to base any future on.

Clinicians are fine, however they do mot always win enough confidence for a person to open up completely on what drove them. Ideally talking to someone who has been though the same experience makes it an awful lot easier.

Once he has talked with someone like that it might be easier for him to unburden himself to you too.

May I suggest you make inquiries though the discharging hospital,your GP or health service in there are any support groups or help lines for those that have suicidal thoughts when they are NOT in crisis or any peer support follow up after discharge. If he can find the right peron or group he can almost talk shorthand, he will be understood.

My knowledge of Qld is limited, and while I think such aline with Lived Experience peer workers might be open in the near future the only one that springs to mind at the moment is the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) which not only allows several free counseling sessions to start with but had more to offer on a more permanent basis

You do not need to be in a crisis to use them , that is what they are there for.

Please let me how how you get on

Croix

My World in pieces Trigger warning: suicide attempt

geoff — Thu, 04 Feb 2021 16:01:42 GMT

Hello Kornblume, I am very sorry for the situation you are in and to sell the house/property you always thought you'd live in for a long time is disappointing, let alone how and what your husband is doing is very upsetting, but when addiction takes control leaves you all alone to make legitimate decisions, because a person who is intoxicated makes two decisions, one when they've been drinking but a different one when they're sober, so which decision do you choose and that's where it makes it confusing for you.

There are other people who can assimilate with your story, I included, so the final decision has to made by you, simply because you can't rely on what your husband is going to do or at least say because he might change his mind tomorrow.

It's most unlikely he will confess as to why he's feeling like he is and why he's using alcohol and going to rehab sounds to be the solution, unfortunately, it's not necessariy, even though we do encourage this to happen, but each situation is different.

When a person is addicted to a substance, alcohol, in this case, you can never be responsible for the actions he takes, and when the farm we lived on was sold, I had to rent a house by myself, that's when my condition suddenly improved, I still loved my wife and very sorry I didn't wake up much earlier, but we are in constant contact but couldn't live together again.

Your husband has to decide by himself if he wants to stop drinking.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

My World in pieces Trigger warning: suicide attempt

Kornblume — Mon, 01 Mar 2021 12:12:32 GMT

It has been a while now since my last post, we have moved to the house in town and both started work again and things have somewhat settled down.

Even we have moved, the house is still not bougth and sold and there has been a lot of issues with the banks and solicitors and all the drama just doesn't seem to end. I don't feel very much at home here just yet and I will definitely have to get used to the busy neighbourhood first.

The good thing is, that my husband has not been drinking since he is back home and he seems to have found a bit of his old spirit back and seems a lot more positive than a few weeks back.

He has been to a mental health organisation twice, and has talked about his alcohol consumption,but he said he is not going back because they did not have to talk much since he is not drinking at the moment and he did not really have any connections to the person there. He is very reluctant talking about what went on and what got him to the point of wanting to taking his own life. I just don't want to go back to that same situation in a while I am not sure if I could do this again. I am also aware that alcoholism is a severe illness that doesn't go away just like that.

But I could not just break up now or be to negative when he is feeling better and getting his life back. So I guess for the moment it is just wait and see what time will bring.

Thanks for all your support and for listening, it is very helpful to hear some different points of views.

My World in pieces Trigger warning: suicide attempt

geoff — Mon, 01 Mar 2021 16:49:02 GMT

Hello Kornblume, it's always good when people return and let us know about what's now happening and pleased about your husband not drinking.

If I can just mention that when people stop drinking alcohol, it's possible that people may have a relapse because of a specific reason or just because, but the good point is that they will realise, once again it's not what they want and stop once again.

It may also happen as soon as they are faced with a problem that seems to be one they can't solve, but being able to actually talk about it, will certainly help them.

It's happened to me several times, now I don't drink at all.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

My World in pieces Trigger warning: suicide attempt

Kornblume — Fri, 19 Mar 2021 13:10:44 GMT

As time goes by things settle down and I start to feel a bit more grounded again. Not very happy about the way things are turning out but I am a bit more relaxed and have a routine back. The sale has gone through and I start liking the new place a bit better.

Me and my husband have been to a relationship councelor twice and this really helped us to start talking about all that happend. For a while it looked to me, like we could become a happy couple again, my husband not drinking and we spent more time talking to each other than in a long time, or maybe it was just me that wanted it so bad, hoping to wind back the time to happy days.

But my husband made it very clear, that he does not want to be in a relationship with me anymore and that he needs more independence and freedom.

We still live in the same house together and we want to stay good friends. I am not sure if I would rather have him moving out, it would definitely make things more clear and I would really know that I have to move on and start living my own life. But I also don't feel like I have the right to ask him to leave and I would not want him to go and live with some of his mates or the caravan Park, where he would start drinking again.

But then it is also very nice to have him around, he helps me a lot with all practical things and also just to have his company and not being all by myself. Also financially it will be a lot more difficult to survive individually.

We have the opportunity to live quite separate in the house. I have the upstairs and he has the downstairs. At the moment we still share the only bathroom but there is another one planned to be built soon. We have coffee together in the morning and most evenings dinner and take the dogs for walks and do quite a lot together. I am pretty sure he is still sober but he told me that he does not plan to stop drinking all together, but he does not want it to get so much out of control again.

My World in pieces Trigger warning: suicide attempt

Kornblume — Sun, 06 Jun 2021 11:50:45 GMT

Just when I though that everything has settled down, it is getting really bad again.

We had our last meeting with the relationship councillor yesterday and all seemed quite clear and positive to me.

My husband has started drinking again but he didn't think that he has a problem with it, he says he's just drinking because he likes it. And that he loved his new freedom and he feels much better without the big property and me not putting pressure on him. He would like us to be good friends.

I stated that I feel said, that he chooses the alcohol over our relationship. But I am happy that he is feeling better I also enjoy having him around with the option to not have him to close when he is drunk. And I also would like us to be good friends.

We went for a long walk in the afternoon, had dinner together and all seemed fine. I had a work shift today in the morning and after I was asking my husband if he would like to join me for a swim at the beach. He was still in bed and said he was to tired, strong alcohol smell. When I came back he was still in bed and I went upstairs to to some stuff. When I went downstairs to get the washing I could hear him sobbing in his room. I went to see what was going on and he was in a mess again. He told me that he feels that he has destroyed my life and that he is absolutely worthless and that he really just wants to die. I could not talk him out of it. I had another shift to work tonight so I asked him if it is ok if I ring up his best friend because I didn't feel comfortable leaving him alone. He agreed to this. I also asked him if it is ok if I put all his meds that he needs for various reasons away and if he needs any tonight. He said I can take them and he has not been taking any of his meds in weeks, which shocked me a bit.

His friend texted me some time later and told me that he was going home and that my husband is ok. I was not convinced, he is such a good actor, so I finished my shift early. He is just a shadow of himself, he told me to let him alone sleeping. I left my dog with him in the hope she can comfort him a bit.

What can I do? Is it ok to ring his doctor and talk about him and my concerns without him knowing? What can I do if he does not want help?

My World in pieces Trigger warning: suicide attempt

Sophie_M — Sun, 06 Jun 2021 12:08:11 GMT

Hey KornBlume,

Thanks for reaching out tonight on the Beyond Blue forum,

We're so sorry to hear how depressed and low your husband has become over the past week. We can hear how concerned you feel and acknowledge how stressful a situation this must be for you both.

If you feel your husband is at risk of self-harm or is feeling suicidal, we would strongly urge that your partner seek professional help. They may want to get in touch with their doctor to speak these feelings through and to discuss their withdrawal from medication. If you feel your husband is at immediate risk of self-harm or suicide you can take him to the Emergency Department of your local hospital or call 000 (triple zero).

We would encourage you to call our Support Service on 1300 22 4636. We can help 24 hours a day, seven days a week with counselling support, information and referrals. In addition to this, counsellors are available on Lifeline via phone or web chat which you can access through the link provided: https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat.

We hope that you keep checking in to let us know how you're going, whenever you feel up to it.

My World in pieces Trigger warning: suicide attempt

Croix — Sun, 06 Jun 2021 12:30:06 GMT

Dear Kornblume~

I'm sorry your husband has gone back to such a depressed state, something alcohol will not help at all.

I can well understand your reluctance to leave him alone, but have the pressure of work too. While ringing his friend was an option, I'm not sure if that was enough - it really depends on the friend's reliability and knowledge.

I guess there are two options open, the first is if you believe him to be in immediate danger you ring 000. Emergency services will come, assess and if necessary take him to hospital.

The second option is to call a CATT team, who also come and assess, then conduct the person to safety if they beleive they are not able to safely look after themselves.

As I'm unsure if you are in Qld or elswhere the following page lists them - or their equivalents - for each state and territory

https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/crisis-management

While you could talk to his doctor it might allow you to give input, but the doctor would not be able to reveal to you any matters concerning his patient. Nevertheless it might help the doctor get a clearer picture.

I think under the circumstances the dog might have been a good idea, however it is only a very stop-gap chancy measure and longer term solutions are needed.

Apart from your husband Both Sophie_M and I have been concerned about you. Living and feeling responsible for a person who has had suicidal thoughts and actions, and may do so again, is terribly stressful and frightening.

Have you been able to seek support for yourself? It might help you understand no one person can keep another alive, it takes a team including medical professionals - plus a small spark from the person themselves.

Please fell you can pop in here anytime and talk, we may not answer straight away but do care and will answer when we can

Croix

My World in pieces Trigger warning: suicide attempt

Kornblume — Sat, 12 Jun 2021 12:49:34 GMT

Dear Croix and Sofie

Thank you for your kind replys. This time we got back to "normal" a lot faster than last time.

I was really unsure whether I should have called the ambulance or not, since this time my husband had not taken any action of taking his life he was only talking about wanting to do it. For the next day he stayed in bed with a blanket over his head, refusing to communicate only telling that he feels worthless and that he is a burden.

After two days he was sober again and the next day he went straight back to work. Which in some ways is great but then there is always the question in the back of my head, when will he have the next break down? We try and work out strategies on how he can prevent getting so low. It seems always to be the combination of feeling depressed and way to much alcohol.

I am also quite confused, then his first breakdown he said he had because I was putting to much pressure and control on him. And as a result we half separated and we both live our lives now much more independent. But now he struggles because it feels like we have separated.

I don't get any professional support for myself at this point and I don't think I really need it. Me and my husband went to a relationship councillor a few times and he did help us with our communication. I do talk to my family and friends about the situation and it helps me to write here in the forum. I think I actually have become mentally stronger and more independent in the last few weeks. I know now, that I am more capable of doing things by myself, than I ever was aware.

I am really hoping that my husband finds a way out of his crisis and finds a way to enjoy life again.

My World in pieces Trigger warning: suicide attempt

Croix — Sat, 12 Jun 2021 13:13:35 GMT

Dear Kornblume~

I'm please to hear that things have improved for a while.

I'm afraid that one of the big stresses in trying to look after someone who has suicidality, alcohol and other mental health problems is uncertainty. You don't really know what is best.

I can well understand your wondering about if you should have called the ambulance for example. All I can say with that one is if he has the means and immediate intention to harm himself or another there can be no doubt - you call.

Trying to make sense if it is not easy either. On the one hand being told he needs space and not be pressured and controlled. Then after trying that saying he needs you there. There is no real logic, just actions you take for what seems best at the time.

Actually I was encouraged by your post, not so much for you husband, though that was good, but because you do have you own support system and are also feeling stronger and more confident in yourself -that's wonderful.

Please let us know how things get on

Croix

topic My World in pieces *Trigger warning: suicide attempt* in Relationship and family issues

My World in pieces *Trigger warning: suicide attempt*

My World in pieces *Trigger warning: suicide attempt*

My World in pieces *Trigger warning: suicide attempt*

My World in pieces *Trigger warning: suicide attempt*

My World in pieces *Trigger warning: suicide attempt*

My World in pieces *Trigger warning: suicide attempt*

My World in pieces *Trigger warning: suicide attempt*

My World in pieces *Trigger warning: suicide attempt*

My World in pieces *Trigger warning: suicide attempt*

My World in pieces *Trigger warning: suicide attempt*

My World in pieces *Trigger warning: suicide attempt*

My World in pieces *Trigger warning: suicide attempt*

My World in pieces *Trigger warning: suicide attempt*

My World in pieces *Trigger warning: suicide attempt*

My World in pieces *Trigger warning: suicide attempt*

topic My World in pieces Trigger warning: suicide attempt in Relationship and family issues

My World in pieces Trigger warning: suicide attempt

My World in pieces Trigger warning: suicide attempt

My World in pieces Trigger warning: suicide attempt

My World in pieces Trigger warning: suicide attempt

My World in pieces Trigger warning: suicide attempt

My World in pieces Trigger warning: suicide attempt

My World in pieces Trigger warning: suicide attempt

My World in pieces Trigger warning: suicide attempt

My World in pieces Trigger warning: suicide attempt

My World in pieces Trigger warning: suicide attempt

My World in pieces Trigger warning: suicide attempt

My World in pieces Trigger warning: suicide attempt

My World in pieces Trigger warning: suicide attempt

My World in pieces Trigger warning: suicide attempt

My World in pieces Trigger warning: suicide attempt