topic I'm about to lose everything in Relationship and family issues

I'm about to lose everything

MummaF — Mon, 30 Nov 2020 07:14:50 GMT

Im a mum of 2 beautiful girls 8 & 5 - been with my partner for 14 years. I have depression which was diagnosed just over a year ago and on medication for this. My partner has told me it's over due to some recent behaviours I have been displaying and been struggling with for maybe 2 years. I'm not passed as an alcoholic, I am not dependant on alcohol but I am a terrible binge drinker. My drinking over time had esculated in a sitting to the extreme that I am making horrible decisions. I am drinking alot in one sitting and taking it way to far. A while ago I started to party hard staying out all night etc and he dealt with it for a long time. I have male friends that at times the conversation has been inappropriate and just recently my partner has read some messages on my phone that has lead to this decision. While yes I had written something that was intended as a joke and I tried to explain the context of it but he isn't accepting it and questioning everything on my phone. My behaviours have taken it's toll on our relationship and recently I have resulted to some recreational drug use. I initially have lied to him about this and now he knows. I am on medication and the last year been seeing a psychologist which over time I think I checked out of. I'm losing control and trying to get my way back - already talked to my doctor about changing my medication, re booked my psychologist for an emergency appointment. I have also been looking at seeking a treatment stay somewhere but finding it difficult to find one here in adelaide. I need help and I can't lose my relationship. He says it's too late but i told him I won't give up without a fight. He is such an amazing father and has been incredible to me and it kills me to continue to self distruct when all I want is my family to stay together. I am willing to do anything to save my family. Please help!!

I'm about to lose everything

white knight — Mon, 30 Nov 2020 08:42:31 GMT

Hi, welcome

This is very sad. I'll be frank, had it been me instead of your husband I'd have walked out the door also.

But that only should confirm to you that he has tolerated enough and his dream life has ended.

I'm wondering why you've begun recreational drugs? See, if your family means so much to you then why risk losing your children as he can apply for full custody on the grounds you cannot care for your kids due to your addictions.

You said "I'm not passed as an alcoholic, I am not dependant on alcohol but I am a terrible binge drinker." The fact is- you have displayed that you cannot stop binge drinking and indeed you've escalated the situation by taking drugs.

What can you do now? Well make attempts to cease going out, stop drinking and drugs. If you find you can't then you're addicted and need professional help as well as alcoholics anonymous.

If that doesn't work for any reason including lack of determination on your part then your future and that of your children appears bleak to me.

I really hope you get the help you need. This forum is open 24/7/365, I'd suggest you keep posting as we will support you especially if you seek help and change things around.

Finally, I'd review the company you keep because they should be discouraging your actions.

TonyWK

TonyWK

I'm about to lose everything

MummaF — Mon, 30 Nov 2020 10:12:38 GMT

yes this is stuff I have heard for the past few days.
I do binge drink.. but I can live without alcohol I go weeks without drinking, but when I do drink I keep going. And as far as drugs I never even did them growing up - when I say I have done them I have done it like maybe 5 times within the last 4/5 months.
It doesn't effect my parenting at all, my kids have everything they need and when he is at work I am the one doing all the running around. And that's while I work part time also. It's not something I do all the time, I just somehow forgot how to social drink. I was using it as a bandaid as I felt like it helped me feel less sad.
I have already taken steps to better myself and seeking help.

I'm about to lose everything

white knight — Mon, 30 Nov 2020 10:19:23 GMT

I'm glad you're getting help. Well done.

Sadly people with mental illness or addictions or even binge drinkers, many of these people under estimate how bad the problem is.

If you're not addicted then please stop now. Your children deserve you without the drink or drugs.

TonyWK

I'm about to lose everything

MummaF — Mon, 30 Nov 2020 10:29:11 GMT

I have 100% stopped and there is no part of me that wants or needs it. To be honest I believe that is the easy part of my situation.
I just hope it's not too late, and I can prove I can be that woman he fell in love with again...

I'm about to lose everything

white knight — Mon, 30 Nov 2020 10:52:46 GMT

Well done MummaF

That's what I needed to hear. Now to get him back.

Just because he left doesn't mean his love has gone away. If you talk then you can reassure him over say 3-6 months that you will fight for him and pit family first.

Now I'm proud of you!

You might need to be patient, he will need time, I'd suggest your first goal could be a date with him? Get a baby sitter for that evening. Tell him you cannot change the past (phone conversations etc) and float ideas like lifestyle changes.

Here is threads you can Google that might help

Beyondblue topic talking to men- some tips

Beyondblue topic relationship strife-the peace pipe

Beyondblue topic be radical

PS In 1996 my marriage failed. I had two daughters 7 and 4yo. my kids stayed with their mother. I had good access. I know what you and he is going through.

You have the determination....you're half way there.

TonyWK

I'm about to lose everything

Abby-C — Mon, 30 Nov 2020 11:03:26 GMT

Hi there,

First off, congratulations on accepting all your mistakes. That is essential in trying to have a solution. I hope you have confessed this to him as well. Can't you ask him for one last chance?

Sometimes, we do things that we feel are helpful or fun at the moment and we risk the important things in life. It's hard to make the right choices and easy to mess up. That's one thing about us humans.

Ask for forgiveness, and if he does, take good care of your relationship.

Bless you!

I'm about to lose everything

MummaF — Mon, 30 Nov 2020 11:32:41 GMT

Thank you!
Are date is not an option right now - as far as he is concerned I don't get anymore chances. But while I have promised change before and to slow down, obviously it hadn't been enough. But I am willing to do the work.. I don't want to share my time with my girls, I don't want to not wake up to him every single morning.

Thank you for the links I will definitely have a read.

Yes I have tried to tell him these things at the current time he isn't really hearing me as I do think he is just really hurt and angry. I'm hoping in time we can talk and he will see that I'm really working hard on trying to be a better person.

Thank you both 🙂

I'm about to lose everything

MummaF — Tue, 01 Dec 2020 23:40:30 GMT

Update:
We went and did a bit of food shopping together. He has been only telling to me when kids are around but yesterday we had so many conversations without the kids around. Yes alot was everyday talking stuff, routines etc but it felt normal. I cooked dinner and he actually ate it and with me and we watched about 40 minutes of netflix before he went to another room.

Part of me was happy the fact we were almost like our normal selves but on the other side I was crying in side - while it made my day I know that he is still against the idea of us!
But I have to have hope and have to keep fighting for my family.

I'm about to lose everything

white knight — Wed, 02 Dec 2020 04:01:49 GMT

Well that's one step in the right direction.

Many years ago I wrote a poem to my wife, a form of apology. It worked. I'm sure you'll use whatever you can to save this relationship

TonyWK

I'm about to lose everything

MummaF — Wed, 02 Dec 2020 08:58:10 GMT

I am trying to think of ways I can do just that to apologise in a way that maybe triggers a happy memory of us... I will find a way 🙂

I'm about to lose everything

Guest_3256 — Thu, 03 Dec 2020 06:19:57 GMT

Good afternoon MummaF.

Welcome here to the forum and reaching out for support during this tough time and I imagine that you must be feeling overwhelmed, hurt and emotional. I want you to know that you are not alone and there is plenty of support for these difficulties situations.

First of all, you are so strong for coming here to talk about your difficult situation. Secondly, you have already shown yourself (just by your last response) that things can slowly turn around. Please do not stop seeking support and I want you to continue to commit to yourself and you partner. Usually after a 21 day period, things become a habit/ routine so please keep up you fantastic efforts.

Also, we are all human so know that the difference between you and a badly behaved person is that you have accepted responsibility for your inappropriate and unacceptable behaviour. So please continue your new self-improvement and show yourself and your partner why he deserves you...….if you know I mean.

Be strong, be brave.

🙂

Expert in human behaviour.

I'm about to lose everything

MummaF — Thu, 03 Dec 2020 12:24:27 GMT

Thank you Jsua. Today has been a hard day - very emotional. But I'm trying to stay positive. Unfortunately I know this will take time :(

I appreciate the support more then you know right now, as I have never reached out like this before so it's all very new.

I'm about to lose everything

MummaF — Mon, 07 Dec 2020 09:32:57 GMT

So many mixed emotions today. Sometimes I feel like I still have a chance and things seem so good but then I get the rug swept from under me... My head is all over the place.
Next Monday I'm going back to see my psychologist.. and I'm nervous because since I stopped going my world has shifted and I feel like im back to square one.