topic Hurting dad in Relationship and family issues

Hurting dad

Jack170 — Mon, 25 Jan 2021 00:34:38 GMT

Hi, completely new to this but here it goes. Guess my storey have been heard before so nothing special here.

Our divorce was now 8 years ago. The current state of affairs are that I live in Queensland and my ex in Melbourne. Today is my daughter's 14th birthday and she is worlds away. Today marks a year since I spoke to my daughter last.

She is currently not talking to me. I do not completely know why and are not able to find out the truth. We last spoke on her birthday last year and after that she stopped answering my calls and no response to any txt. Days turned to weeks and weeks to months as everything steamrolled. I asked my ex as to the reason and her response were "I don't know and it is not my responsibility to upkeep your communication". I pleaded with her to no avail. During this time, as it was over the years since divorce, my ex would only talk to me asking for additional money several times a month. And while I then help where I could with these requests, I did begged for her to talk to my daughter and get behind this sudden change. I would always just get the same response as before that it is not her responsibility. Then in March my exe again asked for money outside the child support. This time I could not take this abuse anymore and said no for the first time in years. The next day I received a message form my eldest daughter, mid 20's, that my young one aged 13 at that point sent the eldest a message saying that she should ask me to help my ex. Now this shocked me to the core and made me send her the money she asked for. The next part is what put me in the spot I and in today.

I sent my ex a message saying "I deposited the money you asked for but I am hurt that you had **** beg for money. You should be the mother and a better role model than that". I had no reply on this and left this alone.

Couple weeks after this I receive notice that I need to appear in the Melbourne courts for a DVI. I contact the police officer on this case who told me this is to protect my ex from verbal abuse. Now the only this I said was calling her a bad role model. I inform the courts that there will be no contest and to make final orders for me to not contact my ex. More steps there. My shock was when final orders came that my daughter's name was now added to the no contact order. Courts told me to go see a lawyer who said I had no chance to get this over turned.

I never even had an argument with my daughter so that makes it hurt more

Hurting dad

quirkywords — Mon, 25 Jan 2021 09:04:05 GMT

Welcome jack to the forum and thanks for shating your story.

I can feel your pain and your frustration in your words.

I dont have legal or personal experience in this area but I was wondering if you could get a specialist in family law

to find out if it is possible to add a name without your consent.

By answering your post it will bump it up so more people can see it.

You may like to browse other threads with people having similar issues.

Take care

Hurting dad

Jack170 — Sat, 30 Jan 2021 08:12:17 GMT

Hi,

thanks for reaching out. I did speak to a lawyer who advise that it is not uncommon and could be contested in a court. The advise was that this most likely will not get me anywhere so the best is to wait this out.

I contacted a government mediation department who set up talks but when the day came for this to happen my ex pulled out and all hopes crashed down again. My biggest fear now is that my daughter has now been taught to live without me and that when April come along that she will continue to not talk to me. I even tried to go through the school who said their hands were tied.

The biggest hurt is that what scarring has my daughter picked up from this manipulation and brainwashing that could be going on

Hurting dad

Jack170 — Tue, 02 Feb 2021 08:03:29 GMT

Some days are harder than others.

Hurting dad

Jack170 — Sun, 07 Feb 2021 07:00:59 GMT

Feels like the storey of my life. Talking to myself 😓

Hurting dad

quirkywords — Sun, 07 Feb 2021 08:16:58 GMT

I am glad you had legal advice. I can see why you worry that your daughter has been manipulated by your ex.

it is such a difficult situation for you.
have you got family or friend for support.
I wonder if you may ring the beyond blue support line 1300 224636 as they will listen to and give you support.

I hope your daughter will realise in time how much you care.

Hurting dad

Jack170 — Mon, 08 Feb 2021 10:01:35 GMT

Sorry for wasting time. I can’t do this anymore

Hurting dad

Sophie_M — Mon, 08 Feb 2021 10:44:51 GMT

Hi Jack,

Please know that what you are saying here is not a waste of time. We are glad that you reached out here. We are so sorry to hear that you are going through such a tough time with your ex. We understand that you would be feeling hurt and confused. Please know that you are not alone in this, and there is support available.

Our forums are not an immediate form of support, and it sometimes take some time to receive a response. We would recommend that you contact a more immediate form of support if you are feeling distressed. MensLine Australia is a free 24/7 telephone and online counselling service for men with emotional health and relationship concerns. You can contact them on 1300 78 99 78 or https://mensline.org.au/

You might also be interested in Men's Legal Service. They are a not-for-profit law firm making pragmatic, cost-effective legal services available to men at turning points in the lives of men and their families - https://menslegalservice.org.au/

You might be interested in taking a look through the threads of other community members in this section. There will be others in a similar position, and you might benefit from reading their stories, or getting involved in their threads as well as starting one of your own. Please do feel free to keep us updated on how you're going when you feel up to it.

Hurting dad

smallwolf — Mon, 08 Feb 2021 11:53:22 GMT

Hi Jack. As Sophie said... You are not a wasting anyone's time. People who have not visited the forums may read your story and learn from it. I can imagine you would feel hurt, upset, perhaps even angry or frustrated with what has happened. In your position I would likely have those emotions. And perhaps worse is that you don't know what you have done. Give mensline a call and see what possiblities exist for yourself.

Peace and comforting thought to you, Tim

Hurting dad

Croix — Mon, 08 Feb 2021 13:58:05 GMT

Dear Jack170~

I think most of us here would feel as you do, and I'd imagine that it might seem like the longer you leave the matter unresolved the less chance there is of regaining a loving relationship with your daughters, not necessarily true.

Sadly when parents break up kids are forced to choose sides and are easily influenced by people who are bitter and critical about their ex. Not good for the kids who realy do need to be in contact with both parents unless there are exceptional circumstances.

I used to be a policeman and often had to deal with Family Law matters, which I personally realy found hard to deal with and I also found it is a legal minefield.

You were not given sufficient information before you agreed to the DVI and there realy is no practical recourse for that.

Generally speaking it is sometimes possible to blow all your money on legal expenses and may still not reach a satisfactory conclusion.

You have been given a couple of links, Mensline Australia and the Mens Legal Service. It will not cost you much except some heartache to contact them both, and I would agree with Sophie and Tim that contacting them, despite the hurt, is worthwhile. I retired a long time ago and am not up to date on the current situation.

The other thing I wanted to say to you is that firstly bitter parents sometimes overreach themselves and start to alienate the children in their charge, and possibly more importantly children grow up and lead lives of their own where they may see things in an increasingly different light due to their own experiences.

It may be you might wish to write to the older offspring telling of your grief and loss - not referring to anything they have done or to money or to criticizing your ex - and in time , if it comes from the heart, may have an effect.

Don't give up, you cannot see what the future may hold, and making up your mind it is all going to be bad is unrealistic -and bad for you.

In the meantime if you have not already done so might I suggest you try to have a social life -even if you heart is not in it - a different atmosphere and a change can do you good. As can a resumption of hobbies and matters you used to enjoy.

We are not in a position anyway to tell you how to conduct legal matters, we are however in a position to say that being able to cope with such heart-rending disasters is necessary for you health, and there we will help as much as we can

I hope to hear from you again

Croix

Hurting dad

geoff — Mon, 08 Feb 2021 15:31:46 GMT

Hello Jack, a very sad situation this is, but maybe your ex is only filling your daughter with rumours that are far from the truth and the more you argue with her only makes the situation worse, I'm sorry on your part.

You may not have done anything wrong but it's twisted into making your daughter not contact you in return, it's a catch-22 position you're in, but you are only entitled to give the expected money per month, and giving your ex any extra money will not make your communication between yourself and your daughter any better and she may not even know why your ex needs the money.

This extra money was given to her, then she takes out a DVI, that's a reason why you should stop giving your ex more than is due.

Your daughter may well and truly wake up in the future and realise that her mother has been taking advantage of you.

It is a terrible situation when contact is being blocked.

My best.

Geoff.