topic Wife of many years now non-binary - really not sure how I feel about this in Relationship and family issues

Wife of many years now non-binary - really not sure how I feel about this

Battlin_Business_Owner — Sun, 24 Apr 2022 14:12:23 GMT

Hey everyone,

Guessing I can't be the only person in this situation. I'm a simple guy with a fairly simple perspective on the world, at least I think I am.

My wife and I had been married almost 20yrs, we're both in a mid 40's and we have two kids one daughter and a son. We've had the usual challenges I think many relationships have but we're still here.

In the last 6 months or so my wife has declared she's non-binary and my daughter is apparently gender fluid.

Honestly I'm fine for people to be who or what they want to be.

My challenge is I'm a guy, I'm not anything else, I married a woman. It was pretty simple.

Apparently now, some 20yrs on I'm no longer married to a woman...

I've had a look for support material on this issue, frankly it's all put out by organisations that I find, are heavily slanted towards looking after the needs of the transitioning partner and supporting them. Don't be selfish and make it about you seems to be the message.

For me, ok I'm not the most intuitive guy, this was a massive shock and after 20yrs how can it not be about me as well?

I honestly don't know how I feel about it. She seems pretty committed to this course.

I really don't think I can be married to someone who feels like their a guy some of the time. I get there's more too it than that but essentially, I feel like that's what she's telling me.

I've read a few posts here of others who have have had partners decide to change gender part way through a relationship. Essentially it seems however it goes it's hard for everyone, some make it some don't.

Anway, really not sure what's going to happen but would love to hear from others in a similar situation.

Thx in advance.

Wife of many years now non-binary - really not sure how I feel about this

sbella02 — Sun, 24 Apr 2022 14:57:26 GMT

Hey Battlin Business Owner,

Thank you so much for opening up to us about your situation. I may be able to offer some advice, or at least another perspective to consider.

Non-binary is a really interesting strand of the gender spectrum, I think. I remember when I first learned about the term, I would've been about 14 years old, and one of my classmates had just come out as agender. I began to look into gender non-conforming identities out of curiosity, because I couldn't quite comprehend the idea of gender being a spectrum. After much research and surrounding myself with more members of the LGBTQIA+ community since, I've come around to the idea of the gender spectrum and now quite enjoy learning about different identities within it.

Your words, "how can it not be about me as well?" make sense to me. The whole experience of coming out is highly individual and complex for not only the person who is coming out, but also for the people around them too. With people who identify as trans or non-binary in particular, coming out can induce a variety of lifestyle changes and adjustments for people. I would attribute this to our society's socially (and culturally) defined gender roles and stereotypes that can outwardly or even subconsciously dictate our interactions with people.

I would like to draw upon an example from pop culture here. Kris Jenner was married to Caitlin Jenner before she publicly came out as transgender. Kris is, to my knowledge, heterosexual. Although she still has much love and respect for Caitlin, her sexuality is dictated by gender preference, and thus she felt that remaining in that marriage wouldn't be true to her identity.

I would highly recommend open communication between you and your wife about this situation. You can talk to your wife about her experience of coming out - how she's come to realise her identity, what her preferred pronouns are, etc. It may be a good idea to get some insight into her perspective and how she's feeling. This could help you with your feelings, too.

Of course, on the flip side, it is also important to consider your own fundamental needs, boundaries, and wishes in the relationship. It's okay to have sexual preferences, that's the nature of sexuality. I would recommend establishing whether your wife being non-binary introduces for you a level of discomfort, dysphoria, or misalignment with your sexuality.

Please feel free to continue chatting with us, we'd love to hear more from you.

All the best, SB

Wife of many years now non-binary - really not sure how I feel about this

geoff — Sun, 24 Apr 2022 15:12:30 GMT

Hello, I understand this must be quite confusing for you as it would be for myself, but perhaps you could look at this 'If Your Partner Just Came Out As Non-Binary, Here's How To ..'.

I need to research this a bit but hope others can get back to you in meantime.

Take care.

Geoff.

Wife of many years now non-binary - really not sure how I feel about this

Battlin_Business_Owner — Sun, 24 Apr 2022 15:19:18 GMT

Hi SB,

Thanks for your insight.

I get what your saying, my wife and daughter both seem happy, going on this journey together with their gender identities.

Feeling pretty much discarded and left out honestly.

Never been much of a talker. I get some open communication is probably the 'right' thing. I think I'm just not ready yet. It's a huge shock and I don't think she really gets the impact her decision is having on others not on her journey.

My son is younger and he's pretty oblivious to it all at the moment I think.

Thx

Wife of many years now non-binary - really not sure how I feel about this

Battlin_Business_Owner — Sun, 24 Apr 2022 15:21:06 GMT

Geoff,

I get your trying to help, but there was no link there. When I googled that it just took me to another page all about how I can support her in this brave courageous decision she's made...

I'm not there yet. Not sure I will be.

Wife of many years now non-binary - really not sure how I feel about this

geoff — Sun, 24 Apr 2022 16:39:53 GMT

Hello, did you copy and paste it as I've done and a web page appears.

Geoff.

Wife of many years now non-binary - really not sure how I feel about this

therising — Sun, 24 Apr 2022 21:10:19 GMT

Hi Battlin Business Owner

It's an interesting time we live in. With so many people in the world wondering about how they feel about themself and who they are, how they relate to others, where they fit in and so on, it can be a challenge at times, for all concerned.

I can't help but wonder what led your wife do declare herself as non binary and what led your daughter to declare herself as gender fluid. I imagine they didn't reach such a conclusion without having wondered for some period of time. Do you know what or who led them to wonder and what that process looked like for them?

I can relate to what you're saying, in regard to how tough it can be to make sense of the way people label how they feel about themself or see themself. Personally, as a 51yo woman, my take on life is different from how it used to be. Having spent 15 or more years in depression earlier in my life, one of the things that's come to serve me, in not returning to it, involves a more soulful way of seeing the world, a little less physical than what it used to be. When I came out of depression it was very sudden and this triggered in me a lot of questioning. The main question was 'Who am I?' If I wasn't all the traits of depression - if I wasn't this angry, controlling, sad, lethargic, confused, lost person with so much self hatred, then who was I? Who was I simply, without the filter of gender, age, race, religious upbringing and beliefs related to that? Who was I without the ways others chose to define me or the ways I was taught? There was a heck of a lot of questioning. I reached the conclusion - I'm simply me. Call me what you will, I'm not phased. If you want to label me as a 51yo white woman, I'm simply not phased by it. I don't feel 51. I don't feel white. I don't feel like any particular gender. When I gave birth to my 2 kids, I never thought 'I'm a woman giving birth', I'm simply someone who gave birth to 2 legends 🙂 Again, from a soulful perspective, I'm simply me. Call me what you will.

I've found the benefit of letting go of labels also involves how I see others. For example, I may not look for a simplistic form of wisdom in a 60yo male or female of any particular race, I may simply find such wisdom in a little soulful person who's been on this earth for only 3 years.

In a person's desire to be free of labels, the challenge it to not adopt more in the process, although sometimes a label can help, when it comes to simply expressing to others how we feel about our self.

Wife of many years now non-binary - really not sure how I feel about this

Battlin_Business_Owner — Mon, 25 Apr 2022 08:01:52 GMT

Hi The Rising,

Thanks for your perspective. Glad to hear you've come through your own journey. Sounds challenging.

I have no idea what or who lead to them making this decision. It appears to have just happened.

Thx

Wife of many years now non-binary - really not sure how I feel about this

Guest_1584 — Mon, 25 Apr 2022 12:53:01 GMT

Hi op .

Your daughter might just be being subconsciously different for now, particularity sexuality stuff these days it's almost a damn trend and cool, an identity for a lot of the younger ones now. Some of the stuff l hear come out of my d's mouth and some of her friends. One wk one's decided she's a lesbian another's decided she's A sexual another's decided this that and on it goes.There's sooooo much info over load out there now for them, label over load, identity over load, influences and fb's and snap chats over load and al their other crap, tellin ya l feel sorry for them. lt might even just pass with her when she realizes she's just a normal girl after all , seen that happen with my d and everyone of her friends so far. Someone now and then is gonna be for real, for sure l know. Butttt. anyway. One day even my d announce she was gay, l tried not to laugh she's no more gay than l am we knew that for sure. 6mths later oh, she's not gay after all.Sooo, you never know,

Your wife , who know's and l'm so sorry l can well understand the shock. Of course it's not fair on the partner , seen quite a few stories like that, one's turned gay or this or that . It must be terrible for you and l can well imagine how you must be feeling. l wonder if it's real or just a faze or influence with her to, or mid life crisis. A lot of women change around that age especially after married 20yrs and stuff , then menopausal stuff to.

Just thoughts but l;m very sorry for what you must be going through.

Wife of many years now non-binary - really not sure how I feel about this

Battlin_Business_Owner — Wed, 27 Apr 2022 05:57:14 GMT

Thx really appreciate your input.

Feels very strange, just not sure where to from here at all.

Wife of many years now non-binary - really not sure how I feel about this

Battlin_Business_Owner — Wed, 27 Apr 2022 05:59:22 GMT

yes it takes you to a web page.

Not helpful though, at least for me, at this stage....

As I said in my answer to you... it's all about how I can support her in her decision.

I'm still a long way not past how this impacts me and how I feel about it which I need to resolve before I can possibly contemplate supporting someone else in something I don't even understand.

Wife of many years now non-binary - really not sure how I feel about this

Lillylane — Wed, 27 Apr 2022 12:33:31 GMT

Hi Battlin Business Owner,

I understand what you’re saying about the support material most often directed towards supporting the transitioning partner.

Even if supportive, the other partner can feel a bit lost trying to adjust to a huge change to the relationship dynamic.

This affects you. It’s definitely important that you receive support. It may take your wife a bit of time to realise how much it affects you. I’ve felt a similar way to you at times.

Nearly three years ago my husband told me he feels female and wanted to transition.

We are no longer a couple and have sought counselling together to try and navigate how we move forward as a family (we have two very young children). We still live in the same house.

So I have experience in what it’s like having a partner transition from male to female.

It might be a bit different (or not?) having a partner come out as non binary, I’m not sure, sorry! It’s probably even harder finding support written specifically about that situation. But I relate to the feelings you’re expressing.

Give yourself time. Don’t feel pressured into any rushed decisions. (I’m a planner and like things ‘all sorted out’ so it was hard for me to take this advice initially.)

I appreciate it’s a really challenging time for you. But it’s a great step talking to others about it. You’re not alone.

Lillylane

Wife of many years now non-binary - really not sure how I feel about this

Lillylane — Wed, 27 Apr 2022 12:47:25 GMT

Just a thought following on what I wrote below...

I know a couple who are still together after the wife came out as non binary a few years ago.

I guess the outcomes can be varied and no couple is the same. And it can take time too, before people sort out feelings and decide what they want to do.

Just don’t want my experience to sound all ‘doom and gloom’. 🙂

Wife of many years now non-binary - really not sure how I feel about this

sbella02 — Wed, 27 Apr 2022 13:12:30 GMT

Of course, and there's definitely no pressure to have a conversation before you're ready to. Perhaps it would be best to spend some time alone with your thoughts, just to consolidate what you're feeling and help you process some of the more difficult emotions.

Sometimes it feels great to just let all of my emotions out in a journal or diary entry. Journalling can be helpful if we need to think deeply about what we're feeling, or express something that's difficult to put into words.

Wife of many years now non-binary - really not sure how I feel about this

Battlin_Business_Owner — Sat, 30 Apr 2022 03:29:51 GMT

Thx Lillylane,

sounds very similar. I imagine you would have felt much the same as I do. Our kids sound a little older than yours which helps but definitely still a factor on the way forward.

Thanks too for the feedback on your friends.

I'm still processing think I will be for a while as this is not something you expect to happen after this many years.

TY

Wife of many years now non-binary - really not sure how I feel about this

Isabella_ — Sat, 30 Apr 2022 03:57:33 GMT

Hey there

I've read through this thread and have found it very interesting.

One thing I want to mention is that I hear you when you say you feel left out and ignored. Your partner and daughter have transitioned into new identities which is profound for them.. Meanwhile you're in a position where you need to accept that on your own. I highly agree that there isn't enough representation for partners navigating and accepting the transition of their partners, and it's very much needed. So I can empathise that you feel neglected in this scenario, because struggling to accept this massive change would be viewed as maybe prejudiced, unfair, unaccepting, transphobic. Your feelings are completely valid here. You've mentioned you're accepting of transgendered people and that isn't the issue, it's ultimately about navigating your partners transition, and there is nothing wrong with struggling with that.

Bottom line, this is a massive shock as you've mentioned, especially after 20 years. You're in a position here of needing to support your partner on this challenging journey, but you're also on an incredibly challenging one that seems to be in the shadows.

Physical attraction is essential in any relationship.. You can't change your sexuality or decide to be attracted to a man, and that in no way makes you superficial or a bad person, it's simply human nature.

I think some relationships make it work and learn to navigate that challenge, but others may not be able to. I'm not quite sure how that works, perhaps the ability to love your partners personality transcends the physical attraction aspect, maybe the partner is more flexible in their sexuality than first realised and they can still make it work in that way. You can still see the feminine aspects of your wife that you're attracted to, and as you've said, seeing this new masculine side can make things more confusing.

It's almost like they've become another person - a massive part of their identity has changed, and I think often times, people argue that gender identity and presentation isn't as significant as most people think. Ultimately that is up to you, and for me personally, I think it's a massive part of someones identity and how you see them, and of course how you're attracted to them.

This has been mentioned already, but open communication is so important.. And I hope you and your partner can arrive at that stage. You're deserving of that same empathy, and it seems it's essential in order for you to move forward

Wife of many years now non-binary - really not sure how I feel about this

Battlin_Business_Owner — Tue, 03 May 2022 01:50:02 GMT

Hi Isabella,

Thanks for your reply, it resonates with how I feel.

It's a huge transition and yes, I agree completely that in contrast to what some may say, I feel that gender presentation is a huge part of how you view someone and whether you're attracted to them. That's probably the core issue here for me.

I still love my wife and care about her as a person but her presenting as non-binary, now, impacts the attraction I feel definitely.

Not sure what the future looks like, but yes at some point I'm going to have to be ready to sit down and talk to her about it.

Wife of many years now non-binary - really not sure how I feel about this

Guest_1584 — Tue, 03 May 2022 04:37:34 GMT

Hi op.

Oh hell yeah , of course it all would. So sorry yourself or anyone for that matter has to go through this. lf it were me the main thing for me, just on the between you two part of things, would be on whether or not it was real and here to stay or just some confusion or faze. lf it was going to be here to stay then that would have to be that for me l'm afraid.

For me as much as hard as that would be to deal with, l would rather know so that l don't end up hanging around in hope for yrs and trying to cope. Bc l know l'd have zero interest whatsoever in somehow learning to cope or attempting to force myself to be attracted to something l'd know l just won't,be or living in hope, or in staying married to the same. Sorry if that's blunt but for me, that would be easier than the alternative and l'd rather know so that l could start preparing emotionally mentally and in all the other things involved, toward a new life life apart. For me , maybe later on in a few yrs if she'd discovered she was just mixed up and reverted back ,then maybe l might be still be free and who knows, maybe interested in trying again. But l wouldn't be prepared to gamble trying to live through 5 or10yrs of it together in hope.

Wife of many years now non-binary - really not sure how I feel about this

That Other Guy — Tue, 03 May 2022 05:00:22 GMT

non binary is not trans. Your wife is not saying they are a man. Most trans folks don't have gender reassignment surgery either. So I would suggest, if they plan on keeping their sex parts, and using them with you, then how does a label like non binary affect your life together? Is your wife asking for things to materially change in your relationship?

I have a trans son, so I get the whole "Never really thought about it until it visited me" thing, and a partner is more than a child in this sense, but I think you just need to talk to your partner, and navigate both of your feelings and how you move forward

Wife of many years now non-binary - really not sure how I feel about this

Battlin_Business_Owner — Tue, 10 May 2022 05:49:55 GMT

Thx Randomx,

that's sort of where my head is at. I think it's here to stay.

Had our first real conversation about it today and her comment when I raised it and mentioned we hadn't talked about it, was it's nothing to do with me.

Apparently she's always felt this way just didn't know what to call it.