topic Looking after family before yourself in Relationship and family issues

Looking after family before yourself

Guest_4593 — Sat, 28 Nov 2020 14:25:54 GMT

I don't even know myself anymore, life is hard and i have lost interest in trying anymore.. i feel so scared and worried about everything , that i don't live anymore i just take care of everyone. But i have got to a point were i feel everyone would be better off when im gone ..or everyone can manage without me.. now a new baby coming. 😭 so i will be needed again, to make life easy for someone else. So ib2illwhen do i just get to think about myself and what i need .. iv never been asked what i want or need

Looking after family before yourself

Sophie_M — Sat, 28 Nov 2020 15:02:41 GMT

Hey Guest 4593,

We are so sorry you are struggling tonight. We can hear how hard it has been for you to be supporting and taking care of your family and we can hear that you feel as if your needs are not prioritised. We are also checking in with you privately as we are concerned for your well being.

You can also contact our Support Service anytime either by phone on 1300 22 4636, via webchat 1pm – 12 am at https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support or via email at infoline@beyondblue.org.au

Our friends at Lifeline are also available anytime on 13 11 14 or you can visit https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat for online chat.

Suicide Call Back Service are also available 24/7 on 1300 659 467 or you can visit their website for online chat: https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/phone-and-online-counselling/

Please know that you're not alone in your struggles and that we are here for you.

Looking after family before yourself

emotionallydrained — Sun, 29 Nov 2020 07:04:33 GMT

I'm so sorry to read this. Do you have any close friends or family who you can talk to or lean on for support?

It's hard when we're the givers all the time and everyone else around us is so used to it that they don't even realise how much they are taking.

I know it can be hard to so anything for yourself when everyone else needs you. You can feel guilty for even thinking it or made to feel guilty by those around you. I do know a little about how you feel, I'm a giver as well and even though I have boundaries, no one respects them because I get guilted into adjusting them.

I try and find peace in the small things to try and get myself back to a place where I can at least function for a little while. It's hard though and I need more, but, like you, I don't know how to get that or what my interests even are anymore.

Try going for a walk or to a local bushland reserve or beach or somewhere that is close to nature. Listen to the rustling of the trees or crashing of the waves or just watch the bird and insects go about their business. It can be peaceful just to turn your mind off for a little while in the quiet of nature. No one else around. No kids. No partners. Just you. Think about all the good things. There are people who would miss you deeply and need you. That's not said to put pressure on you, but to reassure you that you are important and loved, even if the people in your life don't know how to show you that love the way that you need.

Look after yourself first. As the saying goes, you can't pour from an empty cup. I know that to be true coming from someone who has an empty cup a lot of the time.

Tale care of you and we're here to listen. Feel free to vent away.

Looking after family before yourself

Guest_4593 — Tue, 01 Dec 2020 12:12:56 GMT

Thanks emotionally drained, we could switch usernames. I don't have anyone to talk to thats the hard part everyone i have just needs so much. And the hardest part is . U said u have boundaries that noone respects. I have a family id do anything for and everyone hates me... but when they ask, sorry most don't ask just say im going to need you to this....i just do do at the expense of my own life .. guess im waiting for my family's life to calm down before i get a life . But years keep passing bye and im not sure a life is something i will ever get....

Looking after family before yourself

emotionallydrained — Tue, 01 Dec 2020 13:15:35 GMT

Emotionally drained is something we can so easily become. The hard part is we don't realise it until we are at empty.

Is there anyone else to help with your family. It's hard to know what support they are needing, but do they need a carer where you can get a service to help for a few hours a day or is it that they just take advantage of your good nature in which case you need to try and say no once in a while. By saying no they'll learn your boundaries and if you stick to them, they will need to find other ways to get that support. It's unreasonable that they can expect so much of you.

Are you supporting mentally / physically sick family or family who just seem to always have a life issue and it never lets up?

Looking after family before yourself

Guest_4593 — Tue, 01 Dec 2020 14:02:22 GMT

Very appropriate questions to ask . Sorry if i can't answer all with appropriate answers... i co own my house with my mother who no longer works has no income at all has medical and mental problems and keeps letting my older siblings move in and out ,1 drug addict that spent the last year here moved his drug addict girlfriend in with her floating in and out 7 year old son. Now all moved out (thank god long story attached to that) now she has said yes to the 3rd oldest to move in he comes with 3 kids and 2 big dogs. And for the last (almost 2 years i have babysit my nephew of my sister who is my best friend. Sibling number 3 with (no problems) and the only reason i stay.. and baby 2 on the way but me the youngest babysits cooks dinner maintains big house the only 1 working fulltime. And i dont have time for myself.. mental health problems go to (ME) yet i still have everything running perfectly and maintain full time job. And keep getting ask why i cant do more

Looking after family before yourself

emotionallydrained — Thu, 03 Dec 2020 11:38:40 GMT

Oh wow, you do have a lot on your plate. A big family that you appear to be the sole carer and provider for while they go through their various problems. It does sound so tough and stressful. Is there another sibling who isn't part of the revolving door who is able to help you out? Oldest or 2nd oldest?

It is a boundaries thing where you need to say no to something. Even if you start at something small just to get your confidence up saying no and stick to it. Then you're starting to build a boundary. I know your Mum is probably thinking she's helping your other siblings by letting them stay which is great, but to then have all the responsibility fall onto you isn't fair.

Maybe just book a holiday or weekend away just for you. Book it and then go. They will manage for the time you are away and it will help your mental health. It doesn't even have to be anywhere far away or expensive, just not home.

I know things are easier said than done (I know that all too well!) and it's easy for me to give advice from a keyboard. I just worry for you because you sound so stressed and sad. I hope that things can ease for you soon so you can get a break. Maybe just start with a coffee at a coffee shop or in a park...

Looking after family before yourself

Guest_4593 — Sat, 05 Dec 2020 17:06:50 GMT

Thanks means alost.... i will try everything just gotta make it through this year.. nxt year will be better

Looking after family before yourself

emotionallydrained — Sun, 13 Dec 2020 12:04:28 GMT

All the best. This year has definitely been a tough one all round and one we'd all like to forget in some way or another. I do hope that you can get some space and control back next year, even if you have to sneak out of your comfort zone to do it.

Hang in there and we're here to listen.

Looking after family before yourself

Sweesoft — Mon, 14 Dec 2020 03:53:03 GMT

Hi there!

I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through. I feel you as most mothers have the same situation. We are expected to take care of everyone and are often overlooked. I don't see much you can do anymore but to tell your husband how you feel. Sometimes, they think that we are okay because we seem like we are because we never complain or whatnot so they assume we are okay. Since, you are never asked, maybe it's time that you open up and see from there.

Looking after family before yourself

smallwolf — Tue, 15 Dec 2020 12:08:26 GMT

and just to add my 2c worth... when you look after somebody else over time it can have an effect on you. My father has certain medical conditions and mental and is looked after by mum. Her GP always asks if she is OK, which is nice.

In my job I have chatted when people who look after parents and at their wits end - I am just a parish admin for what it is worth. Someone else before me alluded to setting boundaries. That can be tough at first and that guilty feeling - I have been there and to some extent still am.

My psych has even asked me on occasion... what happens if that does not get done? The only thing is to remember that you are doing the best you can and to only do what you can.