topic How to handle being stonewalled in Relationship and family issues

How to handle being stonewalled

noharmstartingover — Wed, 20 Jan 2021 21:54:23 GMT

I am in a relationship with a female.
Her defensive mechanism when she is overwhelmed is to shut down/ stonewall.

I am dealing with my own depression and anxiety, and I want more then anything to be there for her.

I have never experienced being stonewalled or shut out.

How do I handle the situation when I am being stonewalled?

How to handle being stonewalled

Summer Rose — Wed, 20 Jan 2021 22:42:04 GMT

Hi Noharmstartingover

Your post resonated with me, as I also shut down and basically just go to bed when overwhelmed. It doesn’t happen often and it takes a lot to push me there, but it does happen.

In those moments I just feel I can’t cope, can’t think and I need to give my brain a break. I simply can’t handle one more thing—not even a conversation. For me, I usually emerge stronger and ready to face whatever issues I am facing the next day.

What I need from my husband and family during a shut down is time and space. No pressure. Quiet. As much as I love them all, I need to be left alone and I need my needs to be respected.

I am so grateful that my partner and family give me space when I need it. I love them for their patience and understanding. I appreciate that when I am ready to engage they are always there for me.

Kind thoughts to you

How to handle being stonewalled

noharmstartingover — Wed, 20 Jan 2021 22:54:10 GMT

Thank you for you insights. I am learning to be patient and not take it personally. I dont want to contact her as I dont want to add to the issues. But I want to let her know that when she is ready ill be there.

How to handle being stonewalled

noharmstartingover — Thu, 21 Jan 2021 00:02:29 GMT

I am unsure whether to approach first, or let them come to me in their own time

How to handle being stonewalled

Guest_3256 — Thu, 21 Jan 2021 00:35:51 GMT

Hi noharmstartingover.

You could let her know that you are there for her and to listen to her when she is ready to speak with you.

How to handle being stonewalled

Summer Rose — Thu, 21 Jan 2021 02:36:48 GMT

Hi noharmstartingover

My husband/kids usually give me a few hours and then check in with an “you right?” Or “want a cup of tea?”. If I’m not ready to re-engage, I just say “not yet”.

I like to know that they care and they’re there but your partner may be different.

How about asking your partner what she needs? It’s okay to ask what her expectations of you are in those moments.

Hopefully it could lead to a great discussion and you could also communicate what your needs are. It could be that you just need a sign that she’s ok, so you don’t worry and your anxiety is not triggered. Does that make sense to you?

Hopefully if you can talk it through everybody’s needs can be addressed.

kind thoughts to you

How to handle being stonewalled

quirkywords — Thu, 21 Jan 2021 08:21:24 GMT

Noharmstartingover

Summer rose and jsua have given you helpful information.

My partner sulks and needs time alone and at first I just wanted to talk. Eventually I realised he was different to me and to leave him alone. I find that hard but we all have different ways of coping.

How to handle being stonewalled

Summer Rose — Thu, 21 Jan 2021 09:58:11 GMT

Hi Quirkywords

I found your use of the word “sulks” interesting. We are all so different!

When I shut down I’m not even capable of sulking, I’m just done.

Glad that you can put up with your partner and so glad my hubby is accepting of me.

Kind thoughts to you

How to handle being stonewalled

noharmstartingover — Thu, 21 Jan 2021 09:58:25 GMT

it does make sense, thank you

she has said she just wants to be left alone and its not personal. I have been finding it hard to not ask and I guess annoy her. I care deeply for her and don't want to be to distant. I checked in today but I don't hear anything from her for hours and hours and am hesitant to contact her as I don't want to trigger anything more for her.

How to handle being stonewalled

noharmstartingover — Thu, 21 Jan 2021 09:59:27 GMT

thanks, I'm hoping that just leaving her alone, and letting her know I'm here when she is ready will work

How to handle being stonewalled

Summer Rose — Thu, 21 Jan 2021 11:14:35 GMT

Hi noharmstartingover

I know it’s hard but I’d just wait it out and when things are more stable try to talk it through.

How is your anxiety now? Are you okay?

Kind thoughts to you

How to handle being stonewalled

noharmstartingover — Thu, 21 Jan 2021 19:01:04 GMT

It has started to calm down after doing a bit of reading and getting others thoughts on here. I'm getting better each day...I guess it was a bit of a shock as it hadn't really happened that badly before

How to handle being stonewalled

Summer Rose — Thu, 21 Jan 2021 21:54:50 GMT

Hello again

I’m really pleased that you’re feeling a bit better. Hang in there and post any time.

Kind thoughts to you

How to handle being stonewalled

Guest_3256 — Fri, 22 Jan 2021 01:57:40 GMT

Hi noharmstartingover.

I am assuming that you two don't live with each other?

If their silent treatment becomes longer than several days, please look after yourself and focus on you.

How to handle being stonewalled

Bibbetyboo — Sat, 23 Jan 2021 11:58:55 GMT

Hi,
I am a stonewalled too but i come around in my own time.
It can sometimes be a long time and admittedly i don’t show regard for the other in that situation but it needs to be quite extreme.
I don’t like to feel pushed to the point that i get emotional and thus take an exit. Once i am collected which takes time i will come to the table with aim to mediate.
I feel stonewalling is a way of protecting both parties from hurt so if that could be considered if it’s relevant maybe it would help.
As long as it doesnt go unresolved like it never happened.. giving someone time to gather the self is important and not expecting them to get over something when they’re not ready to.
Often we dont know how much something can affect someone else.
anyway might not help, hope it did.

How to handle being stonewalled

noharmstartingover — Sun, 24 Jan 2021 09:21:28 GMT

Which i have started doing. I know its not about me. So I'm trying to not let it affect me

How to handle being stonewalled

noharmstartingover — Thu, 28 Jan 2021 19:00:59 GMT

**Just an update**

So the stonewalling has been going on nearly 2 weeks now. Unsure what to do now as I feel I cant reach out to her as id be interrupting or annoying.

Unsure where to go from here

How to handle being stonewalled

Summer Rose — Thu, 28 Jan 2021 21:36:45 GMT

Hi noharmstartingover

I’m really sorry that you’re still being shut out by your partner. Two weeks is quite a long time and the situation is quite unfair to you. Hugs to you.

It’s a very tricky situation. My gut tells me best not to push. My head is wondering if there’s more to her story. Something is definitely going on with her but I suspect you’ve still got a wait to find out what.

I’m assuming there’s been no contact the entire two weeks. Has she explicitly told you not to contact her?

If not, maybe you could send an innocuous message just to let her know you’re thinking of her. Maybe something you know she might find funny or interesting?

I wouldn’t raise any issues or apply any pressure. It would just be gentle and like “opening the door a crack” to see if she will engage.

What do you think?

Kind thoughts to you

How to handle being stonewalled

noharmstartingover — Thu, 28 Jan 2021 23:58:46 GMT

There has been communication but not a whole lot. She says she is still dealing with things but I am not getting any real communication from her in any way.
I do find it quite hurtful and am finding it hard to not let it out. As this has never happened to me before.
I feel I am starting to just not care if this relationship is worth keeping or not.

How to handle being stonewalled

Guest_3256 — Fri, 29 Jan 2021 07:24:49 GMT

Hi noharmstartingover.

I want you to know that you are not alone in this situation and as much as you love and care for this person, you also need to look after yourself and put you first. I don't like to assume things are going on, however, a relationship is nurturing on both sides and they are not one-way streets. Nurturing relationships require communications, love, care, support and the ability to be there for each other.

In this case, you are kind of left wondering if this person is okay and that can be very confusing (which is unhealthy) and be energy draining which I feel that you are starting to fall into "I feel I am starting to just not care if this relationship is worth keeping or not."

My personal opinion would be to let her go, as in don't reply or send one final message saying that you are there to support her when she is ready to talk, leave it as that and move on to focusing on people who give you strength.

Chin up buddy, your love and compassion is worth bottling.