topic Tolerance of other people in Relationship and family issues

Tolerance of other people

white knight — Wed, 24 Mar 2021 01:14:59 GMT

Hi,

This and future threads is devoted to how we, with mental illness, can or cannot tolerate other people.

I'd like to talk about family traits. As individuals and family units we all have our negative traits, some tolerable, others not so. Here is one example:

A lovely female non blood relative of mine has what I'd describe as a intolerable trait. In fact I've identified this trait in her mother too, so it is something she has inherited. I call it "unintended rudeness" and because it is unintended I should have more tolerance for it...but I dont.

While talking to either of them , having a good conversation, they get distracted easily...very easily. Whatever distracts them takes immediate priority over whatever I'm talking about. The things that distract them is - anything! Eg talking away if the postman delivers mail "I wonder if my telstra bill just arrived". Or "have I taken my blood pressure tablet this morning"? "What's the time" and so forth.

If I object eg "You're interrupting me" I always get "but I'm listening" or "I'm a woman I can do more than two things at once" however neither person can repeat what I just said leading me to conclude they are not actually listening. This leads to me reacting but not in an argumentive sense...what I do is stop talking immediately and walk away and bury my mind in my interests. Bascially as this problem has been ongoing for a long time I cant be bothered making it a dispute.

My point here is that when a problem like this initially arises it is natural to highlight the core of the issue eg Please, if you interupt me or get distracted it's like I'm talking to myself, cant you wait 15 seconds until my sentence is finished"? and an argument begins. At some point down the track you must accept that the trait/flaw cannot be overcome by the person and to prevent any personal damage to your relationship, you need to move on.

The intolerable trait might well do permanent damage. Eg My closeness to my relative and her mother is no longer there. I exchange niceties and listen to them when they address me but I know that if I participate in any meaningful discussion the above will occur...100% of the time.

It serves no purpose to beat yourself up over matters that you have no control over. But it would also be unwise to categorize all of their character based on one intolerable trait...these people you find hard to mix with are good people, so treat them with love and affection but have an exit strategy.

TonyWK

Tolerance of other people

Stevolica27 — Wed, 24 Mar 2021 11:40:27 GMT

Thanks Tony,

Just wanted to comment I was listening to a podcast this week and that talked about how it's been proven physically impossible to multitask. Really the brain fragments tasks but can still only do one fragment at a time.

So while multitasking is useful in since situations and while some may be better at it than others, the reality surrounding it is that it's actually not possible, and thus not any more efficient than doing one task at a time.

Just wanted to add that. Also, I've heard the 'I'm listening' etc and then ended up having to repeat myself. It really got to me but the more and more at looked into things together, turns out my partner likely has adult ADHD and commendably is going to seek a diagnosis. Doesn't solve my problems here but does help with my compassion levels.

Hope your situation improves 🙂

Cheers,

Tolerance of other people

white knight — Wed, 24 Mar 2021 12:29:38 GMT

Thankyou Stevolica27

That very interesting to me.

Also, you might be interested to know I was misdiagnosed with ADHD at 47yo. I took subsequent medication a total of 12 different types for 6 years none of which worked.
In 2009 in desperation I tried another psychiatrist with another sitting in on his lunch break. They both agreed I had bipolar NOT ADHD plus dysthymia a low constant depression. Subsequent meds had a very positive effect. It appears mania from bipolar can be mistaken for adhd among some cross over symptoms.

Best to keep an open mind on the possible diagnosis.

I wish you well.

TONYWK.

Tolerance of other people

Guest_1055 — Wed, 24 Mar 2021 14:10:23 GMT

Interesting thread.

I have been in similar situations where I have been verbally talking. Which is not really a thing I do much of.

Things I have noticed. Some people are not good listeners at all. They may hear you talking, but true... they are not listening. There thoughts may be elsewhere, maybe on their days work or something. I also appear sensitive to this. I may start to feel not important, not worth listening to, not valued. Their attention was elsewhere. Some people don't understand that you just need a bit of undivided attention, even if it is for a couple of minutes.

Anyways forgot where I was going with this.

Tolerance of other people

geoff — Wed, 24 Mar 2021 15:39:21 GMT

Hello Tony, a good thread to begin and so true in many different circumstances unbeknown to those who may instigate it.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Tolerance of other people

CMF — Wed, 24 Mar 2021 18:57:09 GMT

Hi Tony and all,

My partner does this often. We'll be in a conversation and his sis walks in and interrupts, he goes straight to her and what I'm saying is forgotten. He'll get a text or a call, his attention goes there.if were5on the phone his sis is talking to him in the background, sometimes they'll talk while I was talking. He tells his son's to wait, he's on the phone, but wont6tell his sis. I tell him how rude and annoying it is, especially as I don't interrupt him, he never says to his sis 'hang on, we're in the middle of something and wont6let the call or text wait, yet he asks me to wait if he's busy with someone else. He admits he's very easily distracted. Funny thing is he was a hyper child and believed he had adhd, which wasn't known about when he was a child.

I've had a few chats with him, telling him it's rude and annoying. I'm going to point it out to him as soon as it happens now as I've told him I feel what I'm talking about is unimportant to him.

I'm aggravated thinking about it lol.

Cmf

Tolerance of other people

white knight — Thu, 25 Mar 2021 09:00:53 GMT

Thanks Shelll

Yes, some aren't listeners and I pick up on that too being ultra sensitive.

Ultra sensitive people account for 20% of the population

Yes Geoff the instigators are unaware. But when they are told like in CMF case, they don't change.

CMF- that's why I decided with my relative, when they get distracted I abruptly stop talking and leave the room. I immediately do a hobby or something my valuable time deserves.

TonyWK

Tolerance of other people

CMF — Thu, 25 Mar 2021 11:17:34 GMT

Hi Tony,

A few times I've up and left. Tonight my partner and his son came over for my little one's bday. We were sitting chatting and I started to tell a story about something I saw today. He and his son commented to each other and then just started talking amongst themselves. I stopped talking and tried to continue my story couple of times then loudly said ANYWAY ' so I could finish what I was saying.

Really annoying

Tolerance of other people

white knight — Fri, 26 Mar 2021 12:26:24 GMT

CMF,

I've been pondering this all day as to why it happens. Maybe?-

* lack of respect (compared to others in their lives) due to- familiarity?, gender?, easy distraction, lack of awareness etc

I haven't got a clue

TonyWK

Tolerance of other people

geoff — Fri, 26 Mar 2021 17:29:38 GMT

Hello CMF, that’s an awful experience you have to try and cope with, and it certainly is a lack of respect and disrespecting not only who you are or what you have to say.

Before you start talking draw their attention by saying 'I have something I want to say, please don't interrupt me, you can have your opinion when I'm finished', if they don't listen then walk out, it's not worth the effort, look after yourself and hold your head high.

You could keep talking at another pitch of voice but sometimes it's not worth the effort, but when they want something done, say you had your mind elsewhere.

I'm sorry this has happened.

Best wishes

Geoff.

Tolerance of other people

CMF — Fri, 26 Mar 2021 19:43:26 GMT

Hi Tony,

In my case definitely easily distracted and possibly familiarity. I do try to make a point of It at times.

Tolerance of other people

white knight — Thu, 15 Apr 2021 12:02:59 GMT

Hi CMF,

Google

Beyondblue topic distraction and variety

Geoff,

I do agree, walk away if you are ignored.

Cheers

TonyWK

Tolerance of other people

CMF — Fri, 16 Apr 2021 01:06:17 GMT

Hi Geoff,

If I'm at their house and it happens i get up and come home. It's funny, his sis bf is the only one who says ' oh you're going. No one else even bats an eyelid lol.

Tolerance of other people

MaybeNut — Fri, 16 Apr 2021 05:38:52 GMT

Wow, TonyWK this particular issue really hits a sore spot with me.

I think I've actually become a bit hyper-sensitive to it and am acutely aware of the moment someone's attention goes elsewhere. I used to say something like, "You're not listening to me anymore are you?", but I'm so tired of it now that I'll often just stop talking mid-sentence abruptly. As soon as they stop listening, I'll just stop talking. So often then don't even notice. And I'm left to walk away thinking I have zero value at all. They didn't even care. So why bother even trying to talk to people? It's impacted my motivation to socialise and interact with people, I've withdrawn and live a very isolated life. I'm single, live alone, no kids, no family, barely socialise at all. I'm a 41 year old female that's given up on people. People are exhausting, I often feel like I don't have the energy to try and build friendships and relationships because of the negative effects on my self-esteem when I get "tuned out". All of my energy is used to interact for the purpose of my job and that leaves me spent.

I feel like it's gotten worse recently with smartphones, people's attention spans seem to be getting less and less.

The irony of this is that I know it's just a human thing, and I know that I myself been guilty of doing it to others. I like to think that I usually notice and acknowledge my mistake and apologise straight away and try to re-start the convo like "so you were saying your mum is going away..?". But I'm sure there have been times when I haven't. Doesn't change how bloody over-sensitive I am about it though.

Thanks for writing about this, it does help to know that others struggle with this the same way that I do.

Tolerance of other people

white knight — Sun, 25 Apr 2021 14:33:35 GMT

Hi Maybenut

A great reply thankyou.

I understand your decision in withdrawing from people. However, in my 20's I did that a lot and with sheer determination decided it's better to re-evaluate my thoughts. I decided my filters needed a fine tune.

Please Google

Beyondblue topic fortress of survival

Also, it's true that 20% of the population is classed as "hyper sensitive". So try as you may your sensitivity isn't going to change.

Beyondblue topic depression and sensitivity a connection?

TonyWK

Tolerance of other people

Kant — Tue, 04 May 2021 08:02:17 GMT

I agree, It's getting harder to communicate with people to keep them interested in what I'm saying. Also starting up a friendship feels like it's in the too hard basket now being older. Being rejected or being taken advantage of many times over the years has left it's scars. I know that there is nothing wrong with me personally, I'm a nice, kind, generous person but the majority of people have a me first, self-centered attitude. I use to always give 100% to past friendships. I realized my mistake was I didn't let them meet me half way. I was doing all the work. Friendship is 50 / 50. Unless a person wants to give and take, it will never work.

You are not alone in your thinking. Creative intellegent people are usually misunderstood or passed over. Don't worry about being overlooked. It doesn't mean your not worth it especially at work. It just means everyone else is selfish and probably really really insecure deep down.

Tolerance of other people

CMF — Sun, 20 Mar 2022 19:31:47 GMT

Hi Tony & all,

I posted on this thread a year ago. Over this time I've had discussions with my partner re his sister & how she controls/takes over/crowds us. I have to say he had taken note & now when she tries to interrupt us he ignores her & focusses on what I'm saying to him. It's a positive start.

Hopefully she'll move out & on one day & someone else can 'tolerate ' her 😊

Tolerance of other people

white knight — Sun, 20 Mar 2022 23:56:26 GMT

Hi CMF

Interruption is a pet hate of mine. It means the interrupter is more interested in what they want to say than listening to the talker.

Also, relatives even friends sharing a house rarely works. Years ago my sister, her hubby and two toddlers came to stay with us for a "short time" as their house was sold. She told me she would cook (rather than ask) and ran the show. We felt like boarders. The short stay was way too long.

TonyWK