topic Fiancé can’t seem to commit in Relationship and family issues

Fiancé can’t seem to commit

JeanyC — Wed, 30 Sep 2020 01:35:05 GMT

I have been with my fiancé for 5 years. We have had some ups and downs, notably him cheating late last year. We have been working through that, and though he says he regrets it deeply, he is still having desires to sleep with other people.

He tells me that the thought of sleeping with someone else turns him on. He says he doesn’t want to cheat again, he loves me and doesn’t want to leave me but he does have these urges and desires.

im stuck on what to do. I feel very unwanted and like I’m just not enough. I’m hurting. But I also don’t want to just throw in the towel.

Fiancé can’t seem to commit

Juliet_84 — Wed, 30 Sep 2020 04:37:11 GMT

Hi JeanyC,

Firstly, welcome to the forums, although I’m sorry to hear that you’ve come here under such circumstances. I’m not going to sugar coat things, that is a bit of a concern to hear. On the one hand, it is admirable of him to admit it and be so upfront and honest, but also concerning as it makes cheating so much more of a possibility if the very idea of sleeping with someone else is the trigger. Understandably that leaves you feeling as though you are inadequate and somehow not enough for him, but in reality this is an issue with him and one I imagine he’s had all along, although the long-term commitment aspect may have exacerbated it. That’s not to say it’s you in any way, just that some people who are afraid of commitment can easily feel stifled and therefore have an urge to make poor decisions or rail against commitment. That’s not always the case, and some may have fantasies that they never act on, but he has shown in recent history that he can cross this line. He may have learnt his lesson and realised his huge mistake and has turned over a new leaf or just needs to move past it. But it’s very hard to tell and by your rightful concern, I imagine that he isn’t leaving you feeling too confident. have you tried couples counseling for this issue or the previous infidelity? If not, it might be a good idea to book in and get their thoughts?

Fiancé can’t seem to commit

tranzcrybe — Wed, 30 Sep 2020 05:11:21 GMT

Hi JeanyC,

As Juliet mentioned, you are fortunate to receive upfront acknowledgment from your fiance- this is a good sign that he realises the harm being caused.

Your fiancé seems to have a fetish (as many people do in various forms) for adventure/risk/taboo. As opposed to shutting it down, why not provide the outlet yourself through roleplay and engage in the fantasy without risk? - it may bring you closer together and add another dimension to the relationship.

The movie "True Lies" may provide an example.

Hope this is one idea for you to consider among others.

Regards,

Fiancé can’t seem to commit

white knight — Wed, 30 Sep 2020 05:46:22 GMT

Hi, welcome

I've worked with men for 40 years. I shared rooms in the Air Force and work long hours shift work.

I conclude that men that cheat will always do do or at least will wait for the opportunity. You have 2 choices-.

Accept his non commitment (some can) or leave the relationship.

If you cannot accept his need for affairs then you have little choice. Save your dignity and search for Mr Right. You deserve better.

Either way it's a struggle for you so we are here to support you through it. Chat away as you see fit.

TonyWK