topic girlfriend still friends with guys shes slept with in the past in Relationship and family issues

girlfriend still friends with guys shes slept with in the past

floydoss — Mon, 04 Jan 2021 04:07:54 GMT

so i know it seems stupid but it really bothers me that my girlfriend is still friends with guys she used to sleep with one is an ex from high school (years ago) and the others are just friends she had casual sex with now and again before we met. i know it shouldnt bother me and it seems childish but i really hate that she hangs out with them and talks to them, i was brought up fairly conservative like ive had a few partners but after we break up we you know, break up and go our separate ways. ive never really had to deal with this situation before and i dont want to come off as controlling or crazy but every time i see her friend that she used to sleep with i just want to break his face to bits. btw i do trust her and im pretty sure she is not sleeping with anyone else at all but the fact that she hangs out with them bothers me on some instinctual level like i almost feel like im not a real man if she still feels the need to have them in her life like am i not enough for her? or sometimes i wonder if she thinks about the fact that she used to sleep with them when they hang out, does she get nostalgic sometimes? am i in the wrong here for being really annoyed about it? i convinced her to throw out all the clothes she had of theres from when she was with them because to me wearing another guys hoodies is pretty much him walking onto my lawn and slamming his flag on my property and i hated it. am i just being an asshole or do i have a right to be angry about it all? i need advice

girlfriend still friends with guys shes slept with in the past

HannaMelb — Mon, 04 Jan 2021 05:18:20 GMT

In my opinion, yes, you are being controlling. If you think she's your property. SHE IS NOT.

If you can't trust her and let her be friends with whoever she wants and wear whatever she wants to wear then it may be better to end the relationship.

girlfriend still friends with guys shes slept with in the past

floydoss — Mon, 04 Jan 2021 05:50:27 GMT

so you would be completely ok with going to your partners place and seeing him in bed with another chick just hanging out not touching or undressed but hanging out watching a movie, can you honestly say that that situation would not bother you in the slightest

girlfriend still friends with guys shes slept with in the past

Paw Prints — Mon, 04 Jan 2021 06:10:29 GMT

Hello Floydoss,

To answer your question... no it would not bother me... relationships are about trust & allowing your partner to be how they wish to be.. with the friends they choose.

Back in my younger days I went on a week long trip around Tassie with a male friend... we shared the same room each night... his girlfriend was fine with it because she trusted him... even though he & I had gone out briefly before her time. Some 40 odd years later I'm still friends with both of them. It is possible to stay friends with an ex...

I'm sorry to say but if you can't/won't trust her then you need to work on overcoming these feelings... if however she is sleeping with others... well that is her choice... you have the choice to end your relationship.

Paws

girlfriend still friends with guys shes slept with in the past

Ggrand — Mon, 04 Jan 2021 06:23:48 GMT

Hello floydoss...

I’m wondering if you have sat down and talked about how your feeling with your partner..Is this something that you would consider doing...maybe boundaries needs to be made...

If your partner still wants to be friends with their previous partner...I don’t think their is much that you say will stop the friendship... setting boundaries such as being together when your partner wants to visit them..

Its a very hard position that your in....I’m sorry your going through this...I think the question to ask yourself is..Do you 100% trust your partner?...

I am not very good with relationships..but I do know, complete honesty and trust is the best foundation to build on a relationship...

Sorry if i haven’t been much help..but wanted to try..

talk here anytime you feel up to it..hopefully more community members will call in with more insight then I have..,

Wishing you my kindest and most caring thoughts..

Grandy..

girlfriend still friends with guys shes slept with in the past

Guest909 — Mon, 04 Jan 2021 06:51:25 GMT

Hi floydoss

I can understand your frustration and your feelings. Many in your position would feel the same.

I think Ggrand has offered some good advise about making your feelings known and setting some boundaries. Definitely worth a try.

Good luck floydoss

girlfriend still friends with guys shes slept with in the past

Guest909 — Mon, 04 Jan 2021 23:20:56 GMT

Hi floydoss

I hope you are still with us; or a least monitoring your thread.

In an earlier post Paw Prints made a valid point when she said, "relationships are about trust". I think this is very relevant; no relationship will survive without trust.

The problem is, trust is a double edged sword. It is something that has to be earned through actions, not words. You have to earn your partner's trust and she has to earn your trust. Unfortunately, this is not happening.

I hope you guys can work it out together.

Cheers

girlfriend still friends with guys shes slept with in the past

Guest_3256 — Tue, 05 Jan 2021 04:11:22 GMT

ATTN - please do not make inappropriate comments on the forum and keep comments in-line with forum rules.

Hi floydoss.

You are not alone in how you feel and it's totally healthy and fine to feel concerned about your partner's friendship circles. It is only controlling when one partner is not letting them hang out with their friends or to be independent. However in saying this, it is not healthy if your partner doesn't invite, share or let you join in on or meet theses friends of hers.

There are plenty of relationship therapists and experts online and YouTube who identify that if a spouse prefers to keep their friends private, then there is suspicious grounds to be concerned about.

Does a SO let you engage with their fiends?
Does a SO share or talk about their friends with you - this shows openness and truthfulness.
Or does a SO hide their friends from their partner.

If it is the answer is 1 & 2 - this is a very healthy and open relationship.

If the answer is 3 - it's time to talk about your concerns with them and set up boundaries.

If a SO refuses to comply by a boundary, you do have the right to terminate your relationship and move on.

Please know that you can chat with BB is need to speak to about your concerns.

girlfriend still friends with guys shes slept with in the past

geoff — Tue, 05 Jan 2021 16:38:56 GMT

Hello Floydoss, I'm sorry but I appear to go against what's been said, whether it was the way I was brought up but yes doing this would certainly bother me.

You can't have a present and future with someone who's still stuck in the past and I'm sure if the reverse were to happen, she would not be entirely pleased, I wouldn't be.

If you were to have an argument and she contacts an ex, and it doesn't matter whether you trust her or not, private issues maybe talked about and then compared with the past, to me that's not healthy, but how to stop it, is believing in trust that she won't and by telling her that no past partners of yours will ever be contacted.

For me, this is part of the trust in your relationship, because once she contacts an ex it's broken.

Take care.

Geoff.

girlfriend still friends with guys shes slept with in the past

Guest909 — Tue, 05 Jan 2021 21:23:12 GMT

G'day Geoff

"I'm sorry but I appear to go against what's been said .."

I don't think you are going against what has been said.

"You can't have a present and future with someone who's still stuck in the past and I'm sure if the reverse were to happen, she would not be entirely pleased"

Well said!

Cheers

Paul

girlfriend still friends with guys shes slept with in the past

therising — Tue, 05 Jan 2021 21:44:36 GMT

Hi floydoss

I can't say I blame you for finding this situation incredibly challenging. In my opinion, it makes sense that you would be asking a lot of questions about the situation you find yourself in.

I can't help but wonder why these guys are still in her life. If it's not obvious, maybe that's a question worth asking of her. While I've been with the same guy for more than 20 years, when I think back to my younger years, typically I would go out with a guy and when the relationship ended I would evolve beyond seeing them unless there was a good reason to continue seeing them just as a friend. There was only ever one guy who I retained as a friend because we were really good friends to begin with, for many years. There was a bit of intimate experimentation on a couple of occasions within the friendship (well before I met my husband) but nothing too intense.

Another reason for maintaining contact with them might involve them still being a part of her overall social group. If she wants to remain seeing the group, they come with the deal.

At the end of the day, I really can't help but wonder why she's still in contact with them. For me personally, life really is (to some degree) about letting go and moving on in order to gain new experiences so we can evolve beyond who we used to be. As long as we're holding on to a lot of stuff and sometimes people, we can't move on in a variety of ways that really do turn out to serve us well.

Again, I'd be asking out of sheer curiosity as to why she still has a fair bit to do with these guys. Another possibility involves perhaps each holding a trait that reflects a trait she likes within herself, such as elements of the philosopher or elements of the adventurer and so on. If she hangs out with them solely based on her loving attention and a sense of feeling attractive, then I believe this is unfair on you and perhaps something she needs to work on within herself.

If she's obviously 100% detached from these guys in the way of anything more than friendship, they don't sound like much of a threat to the relationship but if instinct tells you she's not (detached in this way), this is definitely an issue that needs to be raised, so you can move forward within the relationship. Doubt and fear are horrible things to live with.

All the best with the way forward 🙂

Re: girlfriend still friends with guys shes slept with in the past

thomas0910 — Wed, 31 May 2023 06:30:59 GMT

Hey mate my me and my girl freind work at the same place and shes had sex with two people from work one being a supervisor that she's super close with laughing all the time very close in each other's face and going out clubbing after work and I 100% agree with you it's bugs me alot i trust that she has not done anything when we where together but she once said if we ever did break up she would just go a bang another dude to get over me and i can put one and two together to who she would do it with and the people that say "iF YoU CaNt TrUsT HeR.." are being arrogant to the fact that they literally had sex and would probably do it again if I wasn't in the picture. I don't want to change her in anyway and for that I'm thinking about ending the relationship but idk if it's stupid to throw it all away because of this guy but I can't control my thoughts and how I feel no matter how much I try to ignore them