topic Unsure in Relationship and family issues

Unsure

Anzee — Fri, 11 Sep 2020 11:29:45 GMT

Hi I’ve been aware that my partner has a temper for most of our relationship and there was a time that he was really bad and our eldest was only little and I left him but he saw a dr (once) said he was better and was really good for a few months BUT every time he’s stressed out for any reason he takes it all out on us and I have tried talking to him calmly and I recently had to face some memories of childhood trauma I went through after having a trigger and it really messed me around emotionally, I have a psychologist and she was very encouraging and supportive but my partner just refused to take on some extra responsibilities to help me get through this tough time and he was constantly yelling at me in front of the kids because he was getting frustrated I wasn’t able to function at the same level I had been before or he’s yelling at the kids for something very small or sometimes even just for being too loud or for crying so the kids attached themselves to me once again and I ended up telling my psychologist I couldn’t go through with my referral for the appropriate trauma treatment we had spent weeks getting my courage up to attend but once I knew my kids weren’t feeling happy and safe without my full support and attention I couldn’t go through with it. Anyways my question is about his temper around and to the kids, so at the moment he loses his temper at least once a day and swears a lot when he’s yelling and using profanity but not swearing at them, is this behaviour ok? am I just overthinking/ exaggerating the situation? He has said countless times over the years he is going to change and stop yelling but as of yet he has not been successful for more than a few months. Ive just put too much thought into it and now have myself worried that his reactions to something as simple as one of them feeling upset and crying and him yelling at them to stop crying and stop being such a sook is damaging them and causing mental issues down the track. The last thing I want is to let anything jeopardise their health and happiness but I’m not sure if I’m just overthinking and overreacting.

Unsure

Sophie_M — Fri, 11 Sep 2020 11:52:56 GMT

Hey Anzee, thanks for reaching out to the Beyond Blue forums. We are so sorry to hear your situation and we can understand your concern for the impact it may have on your childrens wellbeing. It does not sound like you're overthinking or overreacting. From what you are saying, it sounds like you are experiencing domestic/family violence and we know it can be very difficult to live with abuse. Please know that you are strong, valuable and you have a right to live free from abuse.

We would strongly urge that you contact 1800RESPECT. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to people in your situation. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or https://www.1800respect.org.au/ If you feel up to it, we'd also encourage you to reach out to our Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport One of our friendly counsellors will be able to give you support as well as advice and referrals to help you.

Please check in and let us know how you are going whenever you feel up to it.

Unsure

Anzee — Fri, 11 Sep 2020 12:36:30 GMT

I just don’t feel like it is abuse and if it only involved me I wouldn’t think anything of it but it’s the kids that I worry about and how reliant they have become of me again, I had finally put into place that I get my own space when I’m in my room doing meditation or anything but since this temper storm has really settled in they just won’t leave my side and I don’t want to make them if they’re not comfortable but I wish he could see that him yelling at them so much scares them and pushes them away from him and then he gets frustrated because they won’t go to or with him. I don’t know I’d just hate to find out that the way he treats them isn’t ok and I have allowed it to happen for so long. I guess having experienced severe childhood trauma myself, it breaks me to even imagine my kids going through anything even remotely close to the anxiety and mental health issues I have experienced because it’s so so hard and scary and exhausting and I would never ever want them to feel this amount of pain. So I think I’m extra observant and vigilant to anything that may affect them or their mental state and then when something does affect them I get a bit overprotective of them.

Unsure

Anzee — Sat, 12 Sep 2020 10:08:28 GMT

The more I Ended up contacting 1800respect via web chat and gave them some examples of the way he talks to the kids and he agreed with what you said that it is dv, I’m still struggling a little bit to accept that term but because it is about my kids and he even said they were showing signs of anxiety as a result already which absolutely broke my heart but it made me realise that I need to do something about it so I am going to talk to my psychologist about it on Wednesday and see if she can give me some advice and help me come up with some steps I can take to try and make things better for the kids. Thanks for your advice and support

Unsure

Croix — Sat, 12 Sep 2020 11:33:46 GMT

Dear Anzee~

I'm very glad you have met Sophie_M here in this thread and have been able to contact 1800 Respect. Although I've read your other posts I'm unsure as to the nature of the trauma you suffered when young, and also hope your recent operation has turned out well.

When one has a relationship one expects ups and downs, and if your own childhood was an unhappy or mistreated one it can be hard to see the balance a good relationship will have.

It is never good for one partner to act in such a way that children instinctively look to the other for protection and comfort, both parents should, simply motivated by love by love, nurture and protect equally.

Please do not blame yourself over this, as I say, without an example to think back on balanced judgment is just about impossible.

Instead think of all the actions of love you have given that make the children seek you out, and the determination you are showing in not only getting your own past dealt wiht -an act of sheer bravery, but are taking steps here to make things right.

Please let us know how you get on

Croix

Unsure

Anzee — Sat, 12 Sep 2020 21:38:18 GMT

Thank you for your reply 😊

my childhood trauma wasn’t from my family, it was from a friend of my parents and as the abuse happened over several years I don’t remember much about my childhood but my parents were both very kind hearted people. My dad died when I was 11 leaving my mum alone with 7 kids (6 maybe 5 still living at home) so my family life was fine as a child but once I realised that what was happening with the family friend I spiralled out of control and have had a lot of hate and shame for myself over all the disruptive, reckless and out of control behaviours I had through my teens and early 20’s.

i only blame myself because I let it happen and deep down I felt like it wasn’t ok but always played it down like still to this day I literally had to ask if that kind of behaviour is ok because I make excuses and play it down which is just as terrible and unsupportive for them. I e obviously got a lot of work ahead of me to try and make things right but I appreciate your advice and support 😊

Unsure

Croix — Sun, 13 Sep 2020 12:41:05 GMT

Dear Anzee~

I'm glad you had loving parents and am only sorry your dad passed away when you were at such a young and vulnerable age.

I suspect that in some way that other person took advantage of you, injuring you in the process. Here I mean mental injury.

One thing I seem to see is that just about everybody blames themselves for that injury, e'en though they were the victim. The is always some sort of excuse the mind can dredge up to blame oneself.

I can see straight away your are doing some important things quite right. The first is being a loving haven for your kids, if they see you instinctively as a source of love and protection -comfort and happiness, then you are doing OK.

The second is finding out that your relationship is an abusive one harming your kids and you.

Now that you know the facts have you discussed what you might do -and if you have any support, maybe one of your family, to help?

Croix

Unsure

Guest_3256 — Mon, 14 Sep 2020 05:36:09 GMT

Hi and welcome to the forum.

I am sorry to hear of your situation and I imagine how difficult this must be to experience. It sounds like your is quite frustrated and possibly temperamental about your situation. I know from personal experience that sometimes it can be too overwhelming when a partner becomes mentally unstable or experiences difficulties and it can really impact on then family routine and dynamic. The best thing to do is not too blame your partner for your difficulties. You should own your difficulties, however, at the same time, he needs to be supportive.

Unsure

Anzee — Mon, 14 Sep 2020 10:01:49 GMT

Hi Croix,

I am planning to talk through it with my psychologist On Wednesday because my mind is still going back and forth with how I feel about it and whether I would take it as far as calling it abuse I just feel like using that term makes it sound more serious than it is but also either way he does need to work on his temper but I honestly don’t know how to approach him about it because I feel like I’ve tried every way I can think of and every time he says this time is it he will change I give in because I know he’s trying and means well and before you know it we’re back at the yelling again. I’m not ready to talk to family and friends about it yet because I want to hear what my psych has to say about it first 😊

Unsure

Anzee — Mon, 14 Sep 2020 10:06:30 GMT

Thanks for your advice, I’m definitely not trying to blame my partner for my problems and mental instability as I know they come from my childhood trauma and many other events in my life, I just don’t feel comfortable with the way he talks to and reacts to the kids over small and insignificant reasons so I just want to be sure it’s not going to harm my kids mentally if he continues to talk to and treat them the way he does because as I said earlier I would never want them to experience mental illness especially anxiety to the extent I have.

Unsure

Croix — Mon, 14 Sep 2020 11:00:10 GMT

Dear Anzee~

There a lots of reasons for not calling it dv. You can't upset the status quo, you don't want to admit you and the children are victims, that you are basically powerless, that you believe you can turn things around, you feel guilty and ... I'm not going to go on.

I would expect that so many would fall in exactly the same traps. if 1800RESPECT says it is dv then how can you explain that away?

May I suggest you write down a couple of lists, the truth about things that have been bad, and how you can make them better.

Show the list to your psych and please tell the unvarnished truth, no excuses on his behalf. Include the kids come to you for protection vs going to him to get away from you ,lack of anger control, the fact you have been to 1800RESPECT and what they said.

These are events happening now and need to be recognized now.

Doing this may help you. Even just writing the lists will, though that is not enough.

Do you think this idea is worth doing? If you think I'm on the wrong track or have misunderstood sing out, that is fine

Croix

Unsure

Anzee — Mon, 14 Sep 2020 18:41:30 GMT

It’s a great idea! I emailed my psych yesterday and said to her that there is something I want to talk about with her but I’m really bad with wording and bringing up new conversations so I have asked her if I can email her an outline of what I want to talk about and if she can read it before she calls me for our session (I’m in Victoria so all our sessions have been via phone) she said that was absolutely fine so I can back out of it now. It’s really confusing and overwhelming and I just keep thinking I’m blowing it out of proportion but there is definitely a pit in my stomach that tells me otherwise so I have to at least look into it. Thanks again 😊

Unsure

emotionallydrained — Tue, 15 Sep 2020 11:17:43 GMT

Hi Anzee,

I've read your thread and you have some great advice here. For me, the fact you have come on here to ask about your situation means you know something is not right. And that is the first step you've consciously made to admitting it.

The second point, I don't think the past and this current situation are mutually inclusive. I think what you are experiencing in your relationship with your partner is not directly related at all. The behaviour of your partner is not acceptable. Him yelling and basically verbally abusing you and the kids is not related to your past. It's an action he is doing in your present.

I don't think you are jumping to conclusions or exaggerating this at all. I came to the forum with a question about my personal situation and was upset to learn I'm also a victim of DV. I too have contacted 1800RESPECT who confirmed it as well. It's confronting to hear that because you immediately think of the worst case scenarios you see on TV. Those scenarios all started somewhere too.

What is causing your partners anger? Is it work? Covid lock down? Or is it he just can't control his temper or is he reacting to certain situations like you threatening his control over the family?

Unsure

Croix — Tue, 15 Sep 2020 12:08:40 GMT

Dear Anzee ~

Even back in the days when fact to face was normal writing things down and handing over the paper was my favorite. It gave me a few days to say things right, not forget anything, and not hide things I was afraid/ashamed/etc of.

This is how I explained a suicide matter on one occasion, other things on others. It makes it so much easier. I know I will not forget anything in the pressure of face to face and will not 'chicken out'. I just answer questions. So much easier

Doctors and psychs have liked it too, as have have a clear list to work from.

The only hard part is making sure you do include the bits you wish to hide, or give the benefit of the doubt to. In those moments of temptation may I suggest you not only think of the future of your mindset but the possibly life-long effect on your kids if they have to constantly seek protection.

Plus the example of home life they learn,.

It may well be that emailing that list well beforehand and having an extended appointment might be the best way to go.

Finally if you think you are overreacting I'm sure your psych would tell you it is dv (you would of course have said what 1800REsPECT said when you email )

Please let us know how you go

Incidentally I thought emotionallydrained made some sensible points

Croix

It will not be as bad as you anticipate.

Croix

Unsure

Anzee — Tue, 15 Sep 2020 20:58:22 GMT

emotionallydrained and Croix you have both written very well worded replies that I feel like I can connect to and I appreciated them so much.

i am regretting my decision majorly to email her what I wanted to say yesterday so I couldn’t back out today and I am feeling very anxious for our phone call as I feel embarrassed about what I said to her but deep down I knew that’s how I would feel and is exactly why I sent it yesterday because I knew if I left it until today I’d make an excuse not to send it and not to address it.

emotionallydrained, I think for the most part he just doesn’t know how to control or express his anger so he just explodes when he builds it up for too long. He seems to be stressed about something 90% of the time, he hates his job, has too many responsibilities in it and he works very long hours and works away from home a lot so when he is home he is just so exhausted and grumpy that the smallest thing will set him off. Sometimes I can tell even when he’s still in his car just by his facial expressions that he’s in a mood so I subconsciously try to prepare the kids which is so not fair but during covid he has had a lot of time off work which I thought would be good for everyone and some weeks he has been home have been great but others I’ve felt like his moods were so much worse because he had more time to think about things and dwell on them. I’ve asked him a few times if there’s something bothering him to put him in these moods and if he wants to talk about anything or if I can help but that generally makes him worse and he says there’s nothing wrong and his not in a bad mood, it’s me and asking him that makes him angry so I feel a bit helpless really. I mean maybe there is a better way for me to approach him which I will try and ask the psychologist about because I definitely feel like I make it worse when I do try to help. Thanks for reading and taking the time for your very helpful replies. I will let you know how today goes once I stop regretting my decision lol.

Unsure

Livingthedream22 — Tue, 15 Sep 2020 22:41:45 GMT

Hi Anzee,

Reading your thread and just wanted to add my 2 cents.

Firstly, good on you for reaching out, dealing with kids (I've got 3 young) is no easy task especially at the moment with covid/lockdown and family violence is any form is not on.

You mention that some days are great, so at least there is some positively there. Have you discussed perhaps on a good day that when he does lose his temper it's not great for the kids and you and that it does really worry you.

When he does lose his temper is there some kind of sign that he's about to lose it? Perhaps he could go and cool off somewhere in another part of the house for a few minutes?

If you filmed one of these outbursts and played it back to him after he'd settled down later just to show him what you see, it can be pretty confronting hearing the tone in your own voice and how hurtful it could be for a child.

At times I feel you have to be strong, you also mention that he'd come home with a bad temper after work. Remind him that while that's not great that you had a bad day not to bring it home, sit in the car for 5 minutes to de-stress, calm down and rejoin the family.

Hopefully some of this helps, keep up the positivity and be well

Unsure

Croix — Wed, 16 Sep 2020 09:24:46 GMT

Dear Anzee ~

You felt the way you did (and probably still do) so you put it down on a confidential paper. I doubt you would have exaggerated or said things in error. So there really is a problem.

I've not suggested any course of action except getting advice and perspective.

It may well be that your part in changing that problem will not be the major one.

It could be your husband has to take the major role in reducing and calming the situation. Anger management (if it is just anger) is not impossible, it takes therapy but can work well.

So please do not regret that you did not hide part of the problem, without accurate and complete information no problem can be addressed. How deep it goes I have no idea. Love and concern by both parties makes a huge difference.

If I might suggest perhaps it might be an idea to discuss with your psych before filming and replaying behavior. While I'd agree with Livingthedream22 it can be pretty confronting the results may not be as anticipated from uncontrollable anger though to uncontrollable guilt. It may be a recording at some stage has a place, I don't know.

I'd suggest he too seeks information and advice.

That advice may in part suggest something from left field, such as a visit to the gym on the way home from work makes a significant difference, as could many things that play to his strengths and give space.

Croix

Unsure

Anzee — Wed, 16 Sep 2020 10:24:28 GMT

It has been a very overwhelming day and I cried a lot, but I always do with my psych for some reason, I think I know she is my safe space and I trust her. She didn’t label his behaviour so much but used the terms in sentences when questioning if that’s how I want this relationship to be, if that’s how I want to live my life etc. she knows I am not great at thinking of myself so she did use my girls in some scenarios because that is the only way to get through to me sometimes. She just confirmed that it is entirely up to me what direction I want to take this and that she will support me in any decision I make and has given me links to centres in my local are if I need some extra support. my head is still bouncing back and fourth and all over the place but I think when my partner comes home on Friday night I am going to try and sit down and have a talk to him once the kids go to bed and just let him know that I want to be with him but there does need to be changes in his behaviour for that to happen and if he won’t agree to get the help and support he needs I won’t live with him because the kids need to learn what a healthy relationship is and what two supportive and comfortable parents look like.

Unsure

Croix — Wed, 16 Sep 2020 12:20:18 GMT

Dear Anzee~

I do not things could possibly have gone better, your psych is understanding and approaches matters as they are, without labels so you see the problem. Wonderful.

Of course you are overwhelmed by the day, anyone would be.

May I suggest you pick your time for that discussion with your husband?

Please say how you are going

Croix

Unsure

Livingthedream22 — Wed, 16 Sep 2020 23:34:59 GMT

Sorry, yes you are right Croix, filming might be too much at this stage, I got the idea from the show supernanny where they filmed the behaviour and replayed it but it was under much more controlled circumstances, sorry and just trying to help.

Have a great day