topic Retroactive Jealousy - Anxiety/OCD over my partner's past - Getting severe in Relationship and family issues

Retroactive Jealousy - Anxiety/OCD over my partner's past - Getting severe

Natalia_S — Wed, 09 Jun 2021 02:19:10 GMT

I (22F) haven't suffered with RJ until now, in my first committed relationship.

Me and my boyfriend (25M) have been in a relationship for almost 10 months now. He’s had 3 long term relationships.
At first I was mature about the fact that he’s almost 4 years older than me, he has had longer and more mature relationships and has done more in his life than me, but I still find myself stalking his exes on social media, digging around and asking for more information that I KNOW will hurt me, and straight up ignoring any reassurance he gives me. I hate picturing him with someone else and my instinct is to make him feel bad about his past that are beyond both of our control which I know is totally wrong.

I go for weeks being absolutely fine, but the second an ex is brought into conversation, even by me, it’ll send me on a spiral of social media stalking and taking my anger out on him. It hurts us both every time.
He loves me so much and he tells me that he’s never felt this loved in any relationship he has been in. I believe this to be true, especially from the things he’s told me about his exes. He says he’s never been able to see a future with any of his exes. I absolutely adore him and worship the ground he walks on. I think he’s the one but my behaviour really gets in the way of us being happy and trusting one another.

Recently, I have been stalking HARDCORE, finding stuff from 2015 when he was with his ex and seeing what he's said about her, etc. I had to walk out of work because I was having an extreme panic attack and almost vomitted.

It is getting worse and I don't want to lose him but I feel like the only way to stop suffering if to break up with him. I feel hopeless. I feel sick in the head and I feel like if I live like this forever, I will die.

Does anyone feel the same or now effective ways to get over this for good? I've read books, articles and watched videos - nothing helps long term.

Retroactive Jealousy - Anxiety/OCD over my partner's past - Getting severe

Guest_7403 — Wed, 09 Jun 2021 04:14:33 GMT

You're living in the shadow of his ex.

He's not with them for a reason, and he's chosen to be with you.

Show yourself some compassion, accept that he's with you.

Forge your own memories, don't dwell on the past.

Remind yourself when you go into this state of mind that you are having an irrational thought, acknowledge the feeling and let it go.

Your mind is the sky, the insecure though is a cloud. Watch the cloud float across, acknowledge it and let it pass.

Retroactive Jealousy - Anxiety/OCD over my partner's past - Getting severe

Petal22 — Wed, 09 Jun 2021 04:26:40 GMT

Hi Natalia S,

Wellcome to our forums!

Sorry you are feeling this way, you CAN get better with the correct help.

I had severe anxiety OCD I have now recovered from this condition and have been recovered for four years going strong....

OCD is a vicious cycle but you can learn to break free of its grips.... I did an 8 week therapy at a clinic that specialised in OCD.... it took time to practice the skills I was taught but they come easy to me now..

once a professional can point out to you the behaviour that keep you in your ocd cycle you can learn to disengage from the behaviour...

have you ever seen a professional for OCD?

here to chat

Retroactive Jealousy - Anxiety/OCD over my partner's past - Getting severe

Here2Talk — Wed, 09 Jun 2021 04:31:53 GMT

Hi Natalia,

It sounds very distressing for you. Have you had any other psychological problems throughout your life so far?

Retroactive Jealousy - Anxiety/OCD over my partner's past - Getting severe

Natalia_S — Wed, 09 Jun 2021 22:55:26 GMT

Hi there,

Thank you very much for taking the time to reply to my post - it means a lot.

The sentence "Your mind is the sky, the insecure though is a cloud. Watch the cloud float across, acknowledge it and let it pass." is wonderful and resonates with me. Thank you for that.

Once I am in a severe panic and cycle, it's like I can acknowledge the irrationality behind my thinking but it is like it takes over. I need to work on stopping my thoughts from getting to that level.

Retroactive Jealousy - Anxiety/OCD over my partner's past - Getting severe

Natalia_S — Wed, 09 Jun 2021 23:00:34 GMT

Hi Petal22,

Thank you for responding to my post - I appreciate it very much. It's my first post!

I am happy to hear about your recovery. You give me hope my life can follow a similar path.

I am currently seeing a psychologist fortnightly for my anxiety and negative thinking habits, low self image and low moods. I never thought I had OCD until I saw a psychiatrist for the first time and he said I have OCD personality traits but it was harder to treat this way... I have never experienced OCD in a severe form until getting into this long-term relationship. The thoughts I have are so intense and severe, it's like a mental rash that I cannot help but to scratch till it spreads and takes over... it is very scary to me and sometimes I feel it coming on and I say to myself "no no please no" because of how bad it makes me feel.

I think my insecurity and anxiety have triggered my OCD traits to come out in this facet of my life..

Retroactive Jealousy - Anxiety/OCD over my partner's past - Getting severe

Natalia_S — Wed, 09 Jun 2021 23:03:35 GMT

Hi there,

Thank you for replying to my post.

It is very distressing and it not only affects my mind, but now is affecting my body (cannot eat, stress pimples, unable to move during a panic attack, can't sleep).

I have been diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder and am currently seeing a psychologist for that. I also experience low moods from time to time and feelings of hopelessness, which I've recently been prescribed to Brintellix for. I have never been diagnosed with OCD or experienced it to noticeable levels until now..

Retroactive Jealousy - Anxiety/OCD over my partner's past - Getting severe

Ggrand — Thu, 10 Jun 2021 00:42:50 GMT

Hello Dear Natalia!

Im sorry you’re struggling so much with your partner’s past ex’s...

Your partners ex’s are all in the past..and he broke up with them for a reason...that was because probably that the deep love, commitment, care and trust wasn’t in his heart for them....

Looking up and “stalking” his ex gf’s is in a way breaking your trust in the love he has for you..IT really doesn’t matter if he has had x amount of long term relationships before he met you...You are the one he loves..not his ex’s...and bringing the subject up..could be making him feel uncomfortable because they are long gone out of his life...and I’m sure all he wants to do now is be the best partner to you that he can be...

You day that you have been in a relationship for 10 months...Not sure how long before your relationship started that you met him....but when you first met him...is when your lives together started..it’s okay to ask about his family and friends and his past...but I think keep away from the subject of his ex’s...That is history to him now...it’s gone...Let your beautiful partner give you the love and care he has for you...and live in that moment, enjoy your time with him...Please try hard to not sabotage your precious time with him today, tomorrow, next month or years to come...by trying to live in his past...It’s not worth even taking away a minute of your time..worrying about things that are now history to him....

Time is precious, love is beautiful...forget his past and enjoy every second of the here and now..because that’s what is important and you are living in the now...not the past..

I wish you and your partner a beautiful relationship...

Please talk here when you feel to..

My kindest thoughts lovely Natalia..

Grandy..

Retroactive Jealousy - Anxiety/OCD over my partner's past - Getting severe

Guest_7403 — Thu, 10 Jun 2021 05:02:45 GMT

Anxiety is a physical effect on the body.

Best advice...learn your body and feel the anxiety building inside.

Where does it start? Tightening of the chest? Dry mouth? Muscle tension?

Everyone has their own unique reaction..learn yours, and when you sense that bodily reaction...that's when it's time to put your mindfulness practices into use.

Once triggered, mindfulness becomes relatively ineffective.

Learning your body, and stopping it before that anxiety takes over is the key.

Show yourself some compassion

Retroactive Jealousy - Anxiety/OCD over my partner's past - Getting severe

Petal22 — Thu, 10 Jun 2021 06:37:45 GMT

Hi Natalia S,

Thank you for posting! I’m glad I have given you hope....... always hold onto it....

I did meta cognitive therapy it helped me to break free of the OCD cycle...... I totally understand what you are saying ....,when we have an intrusive thought we obsess over it our anxiety goes up we perform compulsions ( eg researching on the net) to try to bring the anxiety down...... we try to look for a meaning ......

Meditation really helps, we become the observer in our thoughts and don’t get so caught up in them...

practice mindfulness, when you have these thoughts do mindfulness or attention training......

that’s wonderful you are receiving help from a professional....... if it is OCD I’d recommend you try to see a professional that specialises in OCD...

here to chat

Retroactive Jealousy - Anxiety/OCD over my partner's past - Getting severe

Natalia_S — Thu, 10 Jun 2021 06:42:36 GMT

Hello Grandy,

Thank you for your response, it was wonderful and made me feel very relieved.

You are absolutely right. I think I am just more insecure than ever lately and it has triggered this insecurity over his past and I cannot see all the things he sees in me 😞 So I think maybe his exes are prettier, funnier, fitter, etc. and I begin my cycle of jealousy.

I also have an emphasis on being special and the "one and only" and I feel selfish but I cannot help that feeling. I feel less special knowing his done a lot of other things with other people he's loved.

Thankyou for listening,

Natalia

Retroactive Jealousy - Anxiety/OCD over my partner's past - Getting severe

Here2Talk — Thu, 10 Jun 2021 07:25:52 GMT

Anxiety..... I have had generalized anxiety disorder for many years now. a comment above is correct (in my personal experience) that meditation and all associated relaxation techniques are rarely helpful in the moment of distress...

anxiety has many forms- panic, ocd, generalised, specific phobia... all of them have in common a certain feeling of fear which is relieved by behaviours- in your case feelings when you imagine your partners exes, which is.... well, perhaps you’re looking for comfort in stalking, like if you just look at enough photos and posts on Facebook then this feeling will go away...

Is this problem causing a lot of friction in your relationship?

Many people in modern society have had multiple past relationships so I guess that most people would face the prospect of their partner having exes.... I know you said your rational mind knows such things but it is worth noting that many others are in the exact same situation...

How was your childhood Natalia?

Retroactive Jealousy - Anxiety/OCD over my partner's past - Getting severe

Ggrand — Thu, 10 Jun 2021 07:45:30 GMT

Hello Dear Natalia,

Feeling insure is a horrible feeling...One thing you should remember,....It doesn’t matter if they were prettier, funnier, fitter etc....He has chosen you...It’s never really what’s on the outside at all..They could be the prettiest, funniest, fittest girl in the world but have a heart of stone....It’s the inside of a person, the soul, the heart that true love is awakened and continues to grow into something beautiful...Which to me sounds like it has between you and your partner....

You are special to him Natalia, because he has chosen you...and has told you that he has never felt this loved in any relationship before..that alone tells me that he feels your love for him, where with his ex’s he didn’t feel that...Please try hard to believe his words..he sounds like a beautiful person, that’s been honest with you...with his past..and I’m sure he doesn’t want to waste his precious time that he is spending with you..reliving his past...

I can feel the love you have for him through your words...jealousy can change a person to something that I know you’re not....Life is short Natalia, too short for something like jealousy to take away your happiness and joy you feel when you’re with your partner....

Believe in his words, and believe that you are very special and loved by him...Because you are...

Here for you lovely Natalia..with my kind thoughts and care..

Grandy

Retroactive Jealousy - Anxiety/OCD over my partner's past - Getting severe

Natalia_S — Thu, 10 Jun 2021 23:51:31 GMT

Exactly right. But then if I find something online that I don't like, I feel even worse and it causes a panic attack. My grandmother said to me "it's like you want to feel pain" when I tell her I stalk his ex girlfriends and then I find something I don't want to see.

My childhood wasn't awful, but growing up I definitely felt alone and was very shy. This was exacerbated by bullying in school, cyber bullying, having a lot of fake and disloyal friends and then being treated poorly by my first proper love. This all made me feel not good enough and made me question myself 24/7. My parents also didn't have a healthy relationship and I was exposed to quite a lot of family violence and verbal abuse from as young as I can remember. I also have a strong family history of mental illness like anxiety and depression.

Retroactive Jealousy - Anxiety/OCD over my partner's past - Getting severe

Natalia_S — Thu, 10 Jun 2021 23:55:16 GMT

Hi Grandy,

Thank you, once again, I can feel the kindness and compassion radiate from your messages.

I totally agree inside is what matters most - and I truly believe I can provide him with something no one else ever could and that is the unwavering love and encouragement I can give.

I will try my very hardest to do so. The past 24 hours I have felt my obsessive thoughts slowly cease and I can go back to normal so I may address my insecurity. I think once I feel confident about myself once again, I can overcome this jealousy and OCD.

Is it ok if I message you here during harder days?

Retroactive Jealousy - Anxiety/OCD over my partner's past - Getting severe

Here2Talk — Fri, 11 Jun 2021 01:00:36 GMT

Experiences we have as children imprint a certain unconscious way of viewing certain things and relationships in the world- sometimes called schemas. This things can be vague like the world is a dangerous place, or a little more specific, like “people will leave me”... At either rate these reactions to the world are really distressing, and cause us to interpret everything according to the schema, whether appropriate or not. In your case, the violence and verbal abuse you frequently observed may have made you internalise the idea that life is unsafe and threatening; and then the fake friendships and ultimately betrayal by your first love - leave a deep wound. And if you’re already feeling a general sense of insecurity this could be enough to overwhelm you.... To the point that subconsciously you’re expecting to be hurt by your current partner, and so your mind is trying to get you to prepare for this, to take away the u certainty, which at the same time you realise logically it is a strategy which hurts but your mind (and body - anxiety is mind and body) has made this process almost automatic....

Schemas can change my dear, it just takes work and soul searching. I’m here for you to talk through any aspects of your mind and life to try and start you on this process if you want...

Retroactive Jealousy - Anxiety/OCD over my partner's past - Getting severe

Ggrand — Fri, 11 Jun 2021 01:09:12 GMT

Hello Dear Natalia,

I am so happy that you obsessive thoughts have eased off for you..

I would love it if you do talk here when your in hard times..or even if you feel to chat about anything you want to..

I can hear in your words that you are a beautiful person..and love your partner deeply....

Please dear Natalia..come here any time you want to..I am here for here for you anytime..

My best and warmest wishes to you and you partner..

Grandy..

Retroactive Jealousy - Anxiety/OCD over my partner's past - Getting severe

Guest_3256 — Fri, 11 Jun 2021 07:08:50 GMT

Hi Buddy.

I have been in your position before. My apologies if I come across direct as I believe in you becoming a better person. You are dealing with issues only you can control and know that you are allowed to have these unwanted thoughts, it is common. These are not real thoughts - they are imagination/fake. Sometimes having these unwanted unreal thoughts can actually be self-sabotaging and cause us to lose control of who we are. This is not who you are, you are better, brighter and more beautiful than you realise. I still get a bit insecure myself and how to manage these thoughts is too stop, pause and breath. keep doing this until you can be calm.

One of the most important things to understand is that we do not live in the past and we do not live in the future. We are living right in this moment. Rights now. Everything in the past is gone and the future has not happened yet. Live now and be better tomorrow.

You can do it. Everyday. Love your partner they way they love you.

Be strong, be brave.

🙂

Retroactive Jealousy - Anxiety/OCD over my partner's past - Getting severe

Natalia_S — Wed, 16 Jun 2021 01:05:56 GMT

Hello,

That is very interesting and you explained it very well! I have been looking into shifting my schemas/paradigms recently and I think this is the best way to go about improving my self image and reducing my insecurity/anxiety within relationships. How would you suggest a good way to go about doing this?

I think previous relationships and being bullied etc has made me feel worthless and compare myself to other females. I feel like I always have something to prove to someone, whether it be a partner, parent, boss, etc. I guess I just want to prove to my boyfriend (and myself) I am the best girlfriend he's ever had or will ever have.

Retroactive Jealousy - Anxiety/OCD over my partner's past - Getting severe

Natalia_S — Wed, 16 Jun 2021 01:08:24 GMT

Hi Grandy

Thank you so much. You are very very kind ❤️

I am having a better week and feel a bit stronger mentally when my negative thoughts come up. However, I have heaps of work to do.

I think I am just unhappy with my life and really want to make a shift and start living for myself. Not my parents, my boss, society, etc....

I have made the decision to finally leave my current job and take some time off work to focus on myself and get my mind back in check. I am also in the final year of my law/commerce degree so I have a lot of career decisions to make!