topic Dejected Liar - Missing Family in Relationship and family issues

Dejected Liar - Missing Family

Dejected_Liar — Tue, 08 Sep 2020 01:55:43 GMT

Hi all, I'm new to this so I do apologise if I rabble on. My name is Con and I'm in trouble.
Besides being an anxious person I'm a compulsive liar and I feel that I've ruined my marriage. I don't know why I do the things I do (I hate it) and I hate I cant be open to my wife of 13 years. I know I've burnt her trust on more than one occasion and it kills me inside seeing her like this. We agreed that my wife and my 2 young boys would go to Sydney to see her parents and get away from COVID lockdown in Melbourne but also to give my wife space from me.
I don't want my boys to think that lying is the right thing to do but I don't know how to show them when I can't do it myself.
I'm currently seeing a Psychologist every 2 weeks, I've given my wife access to everything I have, phone, bank accounts, email everything.
She is going to be speaking with her parents about everything and I don't blame her but concerned that her parents are going to tell her to leave. Whilst I have no control over this I want to put in place measures to show her I'm serious about change, but am stuck how to.
I've been told she loves me and wants to work through it but after speaking with her during the past 2 weeks I don't get that feeling. I love my family and miss them so much I want to fix me but I don't know how to or what to do to show my wife I'm serious about doing what is right.

Dejected Liar - Missing Family

tranzcrybe — Tue, 08 Sep 2020 13:37:11 GMT

Hi Con,

Welcome to the community forums and thank you for expressing your situation with such frank openness.

There is much in what you say that has answered your own question: change must start from within and you have been taking positive steps to make that change...

Your psychologist, and placing your complete trust and faith in your wife's determination, demonstrate complete honesty - to relinquish any control or intervention takes much personal willpower.

Be careful not to let your mind play tricks on you where you start reading things into phone calls and 'tone of voice' - always rely on facts, not suspicions. Your positive mood and support may be the best way to present a sincere desire to adopt change.

Now, you must believe your wife's inherent love for you will rise above the faults.

Continue to address your own inner mechanisms while your wife reconciles hers.

Regards,

Dejected Liar - Missing Family

Dejected_Liar — Tue, 08 Sep 2020 22:26:54 GMT

HI T,

Thanks for the reply.

I do trust my wife and whilst relinquishing control has been hard I've done it and after discussions last night with mum and further more with my psychologist tonight, I have come up with a few points of change but one I think would be big is as she has been on her own with the boys for the past 2-3 weeks, I will ask her how she wants to run the household to give her the control back. Hoping she would accept that?

One of my biggest problems is besides being a highly anxious person I do tend to overthink a lot of situations and do read into things like you have mentioned above. This is something that is going to be hard for me to overcome/change but one I'm willing to put all my effort into.

Being on my own (whilst its only been for 2-3 weeks and others have been alone for longer) it is difficult to remain positive however keeping a healthy/mind body has helped and knowing they are coming back is the biggest driving factor. This next week is going to be huge as she is going to be with her parents and as I mentioned above I cant control what is going to be said, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't concerned.

She has asked for space whilst she is at her parents, which I will give her but how much space is enough when I do want to speak with the boys and my wife. Every second day do I get in contact I got no idea as I don't want to upset her.

Dejected Liar - Missing Family

tranzcrybe — Wed, 09 Sep 2020 01:10:37 GMT

Hi Con,

I agree, solitude can be an agitator for rampant and wayward thoughts, and naturally you are concerned. You are wise to keep active and distracted from things beyond your control.

"I will ask her how she wants to run the household" - this may be be taken as 'offloading' responsibility. Maybe you could ask instead, what you could do to ease the burden of running the household. Showing support involves being there to carry the load as required.

Respecting your wife's wishes for space requires much restraint on your part, although I do understand your desire to call every other day. Perhaps you could ask this of your wife, what she would feel comfortable with - even showing the fortitude and maturity to allow her to initiate the call herself if it makes her feel reassured (remember, you asked how you could 'show' you are doing the right thing).

A willingness to place yourself second to the relationship (family unit) would be a strong indicator of change.

Regards,

Dejected Liar - Missing Family

Guest_3256 — Wed, 09 Sep 2020 04:21:11 GMT

Hi Dejected Liar.

You are very brave for reaching out for support and I imagine that you are going through a lot of pain and hurt about your current situation. Especially in these times, things can put a strain on all our daily living activities. You mentioned that you seeing a Psychologist every 2 weeks - that's fantastic - you are already seeking assistance and you accept that you probably have inappropriate behavior that you need to address. They are big achievements in themselves.

Continue to see your health professional, try to activity listen to them and work at an action plan that you can work with to help improve your mental and physical wellness.

Keep your chin up, tell yourself every day how great of a person you are - because you deserve self-compassion - show your wife how much you can turn this around.

Best of luck.

Dejected Liar - Missing Family

Dejected_Liar — Wed, 09 Sep 2020 04:44:22 GMT

Hi all, Whilst it may seem that I am being brave the only one who is brave at the moment is my wife. All I'm trying to do is right a wrong and show her (I know it takes baby steps) that I'm a changing man.

With the below I will run it by her tonight and see what she has to say:

"I will ask her how she wants to run the household" - this may be be taken as 'offloading' responsibility. Maybe you could ask instead, what you could do to ease the burden of running the household. Showing support involves being there to carry the load as required.

Whilst I respect her wishes for space and will allow her to initiate the calls rather than me doing it what is bothering me is what if she doesn't call for the whole week. Do I just go and accept that and not speak with her or the kids?

Dejected Liar - Missing Family

tranzcrybe — Wed, 09 Sep 2020 07:25:09 GMT

Hi Con,

"what if she doesn't call for the whole week"

Watch out for those 'what ifs', Con, and just try to be sympathetic to her feelings and needs when in conversation - nothing should be as ultimatums. 'Wanting space' could be precisely that, and your full cooperation with her request, although hard to accept, is demonstrating a compassionate approach.

Even the expression "will allow her to initiate the calls" can sound controlling - so give your wife freedom to do what she feels best. Your patience and understanding will be a sign of virtue, as will your sacrifice of not talking to your boys should your wife decide on this. Be sure to discuss this with an open mind, express your feelings but be gentle.

Regards,

Dejected Liar - Missing Family

DamienD — Wed, 09 Sep 2020 10:17:13 GMT

Hi Con. Im jealous. I was in the same situation with my wife of 20 years but I failed to take actions to stop doing what I was doing but you still have a chance - thus the jealousy.

You can fix things in a relationship as long as the two people want to fix it so you have hope.

In my wifes case it got to the point after many lies and infidelities by me where she realised I could not change and she stopped caring and after that she became unreachable.

She did the right thing so don't be like me and make a real effort before you lose her. Im not sure what that would entail but it has to be tangible and long term imo.

if you think hard and decide that you'll probably never be able to change my one regret is that I didnt tell her so early and spare my family the pain I caused them.

Good luck.

Dejected Liar - Missing Family

ecomama — Wed, 09 Sep 2020 12:09:34 GMT

Hi Con

Welcome to the forums. You have been very brave coming online here and seeking other's voices on what you're going through.

Confessing that you've been lying to your wife is difficult also, most esp with her.
Seeking help from a psych is also admirable.

I think you're doing well!

Is the psych helping you deal with the root causes of your habits of lying?
I'm feeling there must be some deep seated reasons for lying to your spouse continuously.

Have you been the one to disclose your lies or has your wife had to find out about them without you coming clean first?
There's a HUGE difference there. The difference could also be the difference between the paths forward your wife may see.

Being with a lying spouse is thoroughly exhausting. I know from experience. LOTS of it lol.
One previous husband lied but came clean immediately - I admire this "honesty" and it helped us co-parent really well after we separated. I left because of infidelity.
I pity his current wife as he has not changed, in fact became far worse.
I am SO glad I left.
Another one was a compulsive liar and basically a terribly evil person.
Not even hard evidence would have him admit his lies.
We are all NC with this person.
NOTHING could have made me stay.

So I understand your concern about your wife needing space.
I completely understand your wife's NEED for space and a lot of it. For me I can experience "normality" without dealing with the lying.

One of my adult children's marriages split this year and the children have a 6pm call with the parent they are not with. This is a really good thing for the children and BOTH parents as they can all keep in touch. It's a week about arrangement.
I think that would be a lovely option for you to have contact with the children for a while each day.

If you can have this call each day with the children, please don't use that call to make contact with your wife.
You can text her and ask if she can call after the kids are in bed or such - this works well but she doesn't have to talk to you.

Once a week to talk through issues is PLENTY lol.
A tip - can you highlight any progress you've made? BE HONEST lol.
Can you let her know if you did any extra job inside the house or in the garden? Something that might make her think of your home together and that you're thinking of this too?

Best wishes.
I think you're doing well!
EM

Dejected Liar - Missing Family

Dejected_Liar — Wed, 09 Sep 2020 22:21:35 GMT

Hi T,

Thanks again for the reply. There has been an update from last night. I've spoken with them and agreed that she will call when it is appropriate. Be its once, twice 4 times it'll be what it'll be. The last thing I want to do is push her further away.

I will be able to keep myself occupied during the next week...weekend is going to be difficult but if I look after myself mentally hopefully all the other things will fall into place when they return next Friday.

Dejected Liar - Missing Family

Dejected_Liar — Wed, 09 Sep 2020 22:25:32 GMT

Hi Damien, Thanks for the reply.

I'm sorry things didn't work out with you - I know I still have a chance hence why I'm trying to do everything in my power to win her and the boys back.

It definitely has to be tangible and long term. There has been a change with my psychologist who has said she feels I've got a personality disorder and wants me to see a psychiatrist. Being told this scared that crap out of me and now I'm petrified - am I fixable, could this be the final straw for my wife? Again its all assumptions and I don't want to talk to her about this over the phone...

I want to change I hate feeling crap, I hate feeling and doing the things I do. I don't do what I do every day its so sporadic it does my head in.

Dejected Liar - Missing Family

Dejected_Liar — Wed, 09 Sep 2020 22:56:50 GMT

Good Morning,

Thank you for your comments -it does mean alot. My Psychologist has advised that she feels I need to see a Psychiatrist as she believes (without having a test yet to prove) that I have a personality disorder. To say that is a shock and terrifying is an understatement.

There are a lot of deep seated reasons, steaming from childhood, adolescence which have never been dealt with and have become my "norm" which is wrong.

I guess the embarrassment has been that my wife has found out about my lies. To put it short and not to go into too much detail, I did what I did to try and spare her hurt etc but as with anything you would get caught out. Better to just be clean from the start. Easier said in hindsight.

I want her to have/experience normality without dealing with my lying. Hence why especially during this final week with her family I want to give her and the boys the space. I'll SMS her every couple of days to keep in touch but as discussed previously she will call me when she is ready to speak.

Progress I've made? Besides speaking with my psychologist and now moving to a psychiatrist, I've joined up on BeyondBlue (I've been tempted to give her access to my account - should I)

Our house is like it was when we first purchased it. I've cleaned inside and out, rearranged a few things/rooms so they are different but the same. My thinking behind this is that they are coming to a different house with change. I'm not spending money. I'm being tight on what I spend it on i.e food and only getting the essentials.

I've given her access to everything (emails, bank accounts etc) I've cleaned her car, getting it serviced.

Besides this superficial stuff, I feel and have been told I've made progress with my psychologist however needs to be explored further by someone more experienced and tailored to my issue(s) which I will be doing.

Dejected Liar - Missing Family

ecomama — Wed, 09 Sep 2020 23:25:43 GMT

Dear Dejected Liar (may I just call you DL from now please? lol)

I have SO MUCH respect for you getting help. I'm sorry the psychologist's comments about personality disorders were so shocking for you, that's completely understandable. But it's not such a surprise for me that you may have.

Please know that with a diagnosis or diagnoses, there's specific help for these and the level of MH professionals you are getting help from will ensure you get the help you need and you WILL feel better over time.

I want you to also know that the 'shame' or embarrassment you may be feeling is also completely normal. If you have ANY feelings of shame or remorse then that's actually a PLUS with personality disorders!
So many people don't have the capacity for these and are very dangerous people indeed.

Being upset you were caught is one thing.
Feeling remorse over your actions and taking responsibility for them is a totally other thing and a very healthy thing!

It's really important that you know that all people deal with shame and embarrassment over who they really are inside. But there are lots of books and works you can access online to understand how to deal with these feelings.

Please don't let these feelings pull you down. You have enough to deal with atm.

You should be very proud of yourself indeed with your actions of getting help.

Something had to change and I'm really glad for you and your family that you are making the choice to seek further help. Not seeking help will lead you down a path not worth thinking about tbh.

I don't think you need to tell your wife about your BB account. This is a deeply personal journey and you may need time to get your words together before being confronted in your marriage. Speak to your psychs about this if you like.

We don't know you IRL and it's a safe space. It would be wonderful for you to keep this safe space and share with people who may understand more. IDK speak with your psychs.

Remember if anything gets "too much" on the weekend or at any time - maybe the frustrations of trying to explain things to W when you don't know yourself.... take time out and phone a helpline asap. Use whatever our great country has to offer to get you through this.

I wish you peace of mind and a beautiful reunion with your wife and children soon.

Dejected Liar - Missing Family

Dejected_Liar — Thu, 10 Sep 2020 00:19:22 GMT

Hi Em,

That's fine - DJ sits well. Thank you for your kind words but the one person who should be getting all the respect is my wife. Whilst the initial thought was shock and many thoughts went through my head (ie am i crazy) it kinda does make sense.

I want to get the proper diagnosis and treatment so 1. I'm better for it but 2. I get to be a better husband and father. I'm 36 and its time I know to get to the bottom of my behaviour, grow and be the husband my wife married all those years ago and the any she needs me to be.

Yeh, besides keeping busy round the house I've started really focusing on the gym work and trying to keep my mind in a healthy state.

I have and will continue to use the help on this website/forum if things get tough, I've been distant from family and friends for many years (and whilst covid doesnt help) know that I need to reconnect and find the guy i used to be again.

Thanks again for your time. Have a great day.

Dejected Liar - Missing Family

ecomama — Thu, 10 Sep 2020 01:50:12 GMT

Dear DJ,

Just to allay your worries a bit, I doubt you're "crazy" lol.
I have reasons for saying this btw.
You may have done some 'crazy' things but many things will begin to make sense as you receive more Counselling and with your psychs' feedback.

I really want you to seek "answers" for your behaviours.
Like "Why have I done what I've done?" (ie what's the motivation for it and there IS one or many reasons).

Also no way would I like to see you go "back" to that person years ago - look where "he" led you!

Your sights need to be higher than that lol. You are growing into a far more powerful human being by what you're doing. Plus you're a dad now, so your roles and responsibilities have changed.

Just challenging your perceptions somewhat.

Re: your motivations, they may be shallow and / or they may be deeper than that or a combination of both.

Best wishes
EM

Dejected Liar - Missing Family

tranzcrybe — Thu, 10 Sep 2020 07:47:28 GMT

Hi Con,

I can see you are really invested in this, and the more help you seek can only send that message of your sincere intention to 'put things right' again - you are doing everything in your power to improve yourself and realise what is truly important in your life.

"I've joined up on BeyondBlue (I've been tempted to give her access to my account - should I)"

- you know, honesty is absolute - no ifs or buts. As with everything else, I feel you should be completely transparent about all your efforts to change your past behaviours. Letting your wife know the avenues you are exploring is entirely appropriate, however, you also need a space to speak freely and without fear of saying 'the wrong thing' (same with your psych).

Although I wouldn't deny access, I'd suggest you also request 'your space' be respected in kind - your objectives are true. You could always discuss various aspects (and this would help allay any fears) to demonstrate your devotion and provide a sense of mutual goals - you both have the same objective, after all.

Stay dedicated, Con, you are doing all that could be asked of you.

Regards,

Dejected Liar - Missing Family

Dejected_Liar — Thu, 10 Sep 2020 22:35:45 GMT

Hi T,

Thanks again for your comments. Will be staying dedicated...

I will let her know who/where I'm speaking and give her access but also advise that this is "my space" but wont begrudge her having a look.

They got to her parents yesterday , sent me a photo of the 3 of them and they looked happy, was nice to see them.

Anyways hope you all have a great weekend, hope the Tigers get up tonight. Speak soon.

Dejected Liar - Missing Family

Dejected_Liar — Sun, 13 Sep 2020 11:59:13 GMT

Hi T

so gave my wife access to my account on beyond blue. It’s her call whether she wants to look into it.

in saying that haven’t spoken with my wife or the kids since Tuesday. It’s difficult to stay focused on the what if’s. my mind is going a hundred miles an hour. I miss them so much and it hurts not talking to them. But as she said she wants the space with her parents.

I’ve sent messages but that’s all.

they are due to fly back home on Friday so it’s going to be a nerve racking week. Are they going to be happy to see their daddy and husband or not care. I hope they are going to be happy but the worst is still in my head.

just want to give my kids the biggest hug and kiss. Just hope they want the same.

Dejected Liar - Missing Family

Dejected_Liar — Sun, 13 Sep 2020 12:13:04 GMT

Just saw what I wrote damn mobile phones.

meant to say I want to give my wife and kids the biggest kiss and hug

Dejected Liar - Missing Family

tranzcrybe — Sun, 13 Sep 2020 12:54:16 GMT

Hi Con,

Please try to keep your nerves and forward projections under control - it will only wear you out and create false expectation either way.

Expectation, itself, is placing your own needs (even negative ones, paradoxically) above the discernment of others . The saying goes: "Expect nothing, and you will never be disappointed". I know it sounds difficult, but trust requires putting yourself last for the good of the family - from which you must never deviate in order to remain selfless and true. The love and respect you ultimately receive in return will reward you many times over.

But this outcome is as yet undecided - trust requires acceptance no matter what - and your only indulgence should be belief in a favourable result based solely on your own efforts to address inner demons and take stock of your life - what you want depends primarily on what you are willing to give of yourself.

Look after yourself, Con, and focus on your task at hand.

Regards,