topic HOW MUCH TIME IS ENOUGH TIME??? in Relationship and family issues

HOW MUCH TIME IS ENOUGH TIME???

Mark h — Mon, 22 Feb 2021 01:38:19 GMT

Good afternoon everyone.

I really hope you can spread some advice for my current situation which is difficult to cope with to be honest.

My wife and I are separating and she is moving out of our home at the end of April to have space to see whether she wants to come back and work things out between us. There is no other man involved and for me, I have no other relationship either. We have both remained faithful during our 26 years together but now, she needs time to see if US is what she wants in the future. We have both had our faults in the past for sure. For her it's certainly a trust thing and for me, it's more about how her time is spent when we were together.

We are living under the same roof right now (very amicably too by the way) but she has found a place to go as I say at the end of April. The house is not available until then but all I am hearing when we talk 'US' is that she needs her 'space'. We sleep in the same bed and we work together in our business too. It's just so hard because all I want to do is to start building our marriage again. My questions are as follows:

My wife says she needs time and has said that she docent know how long this will be. Could be 3 months, 6 months, 12 months or even two years. I feel completely in limbo and feel that 12 months or two years is too long? It has already been seven weeks since she told me but the 'space' she needs only comes into play as and when she moves out apparently.
In the time where we are physically separated, do we see other people? Not saying that I actively want to date now...far from it but do we keep those options open???

I am keeping myself busy and have taken up golf and am singing too now. I am just really scared that things won't return and at this stage if I had to guess, it would be very much 50/50. I also suffer with anxiety / depression, so my anxiety levels are out of control right now.

Any help you can provide would be great. Thanks people.

HOW MUCH TIME IS ENOUGH TIME???

white knight — Mon, 22 Feb 2021 03:02:55 GMT

Hi, welcome

In my world, a separation means free for both. If she has the needs for space and that to her means separate abodes , then that means living single lives.

Hence I don't understand her "space" needs but I'm leaning towards her giving possible time predictions as an easy way to let you down.

I'm sorry to read of your situation as I don't see much hope in there. I'd suggest mentally planning for a permanent separation and planning a new life, seeing it as an adventure together with your grieving process.

Google
Beyondblue topic the best praise you'll ever get

TonyWK

HOW MUCH TIME IS ENOUGH TIME???

Dadmeister — Mon, 22 Feb 2021 10:43:00 GMT

Hi Mark, you have to at least appreciate your wife’s courage of conviction by planning to move out, finding a place etc. Not sure if kids are involved but this would of course add to the difficulty.

In my case my wife has given up on our relationship and hasn’t spoken to me for 5 months now. She says she doesn’t want to move out as she loves our house and plus she hasn’t worked in 20 years so doesn’t know where to start. We still sleep in the same bed but there is zero discussion.
I believe that your wife moving out for an extended time is a clear signal that your relationship is over. It doesn’t mean you have to fling yourself at the first girl that looks at you, it just means you have to start living for yourself.

i also suffer from anxiety and depression and have learnt a lot from my trusted psychologist and Psychiatrist. I have also learnt to say yes to friends instead of hiding at home and crying. I regularly go camping and 4wding with mates and this has become my happy place similar to your singing and golfing, I also spend as much time with my 3 daughters as possible who are the love of my life.

take care, seek help, say yes sometimes and remember you can’t love anyone unless you first love yourself.

all the best

Dadmeister

HOW MUCH TIME IS ENOUGH TIME???

geoff — Mon, 22 Feb 2021 17:19:41 GMT

Hello Mark, thanks for posting your comment.

Much would have gone on during your 26 year marriage, both good and not so good, unfortunately, the latter seems to carry more weight than all the good times you have both achieved, which is disappointing, but actually happens.

If the place for her isn't available until April, then you are doing what you want to do by playing golf as well as singing and she is doing exactly what she wants to do, so what this means is the separation will go ahead and both to enjoy your time apart because there is no point living together if don't entertain each other, so a decision about what to do with the place you're both living in now will need to be made, I'm sorry, that's what happened in my 25 year marriage.

If you want, then both of you may find another person to be with, and for whatever reason this is, is up to you, but it's possible someone at the golf club may interest you or a person you sing with, may attract you, and if this does happen, certainly means the end of your marriage.

You may eventually decide to talk with each other, however, I can't make that decision, it's how you feel.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

HOW MUCH TIME IS ENOUGH TIME???

Mark h — Wed, 24 Feb 2021 23:52:29 GMT

Thanks to all of you that have replied. I must say that both me and my wife are still very amicable together. We both sleep in the same bed and chat each day. We both still watch tv every night and occasionally hold hands but mainly when she has had a few wines which allows her to relax and let her guard down.

One thing that has worried me since posting this message is that I did say yesterday that I could find a place to stay until she moves out at the end of April and her reply was that she has something booked most weekends (horses, friends etc) so who was going to look after our 15 year old boy if I did move out. To me (and I could be overthinking) this made me see the comment as me being here was a convenience so that she could do her thing. Not that I mind at all...I am more than happy to look after my boy, we get on amazingly well and can do stuff together. If I do mention leaving myself there is certainly a defence / wall that shoots up.

As I say, we run a business together and so the weekdays are always pretty hectic. We aren't fighting at all but I am seeing signs that maybe all isn't as it seems.

HOW MUCH TIME IS ENOUGH TIME???

Summer Rose — Thu, 25 Feb 2021 00:23:55 GMT

Hi Mark

You've had some great replies and support from others but I thought I'd pop in with the perspective of a woman who works with her husband in a family business and who has been married to him for 30 years.

It would be a very hard thing to contemplate ending a 26 year marriage for most people, so I think it's entirely reasonable for your wife to want some time/space to think. It is entirely possible that your wife just can't commit to a time limit to give you a definitive answer about your future and that is why she's left it open (as opposed to an attempt to let you down gently). This is because your wife really has no idea how it's going to feel to be apart from you.

I'm wondering why this is all happening now. Do you know?

I don't know how old your wife is but I want to ask if you think she may be going through menopause? You don't have to answer here but I want to point out that this period in a woman's life is very challenging and it could be affecting her thinking and ability to show physical affection toward you. This is something you could potentially discuss with her but do it sensitively.

I think your wife has planned her weekends away etc to minimise disruption to you and the household between now and April. I know I would. This is because I would feel terribly guilty about being the one to potentially break up the family. I would want to make it as easy as possible on my husband and children. I would also be really worried about the business and keen to do everything possible to prevent and deescalate any potential conflict during this initial period of separation. For me, it would be about keeping the door to the marriage open and it reads to me like that's what she's doing.

I'm really sorry you find yourself in this situation but give it some time. When you feel the time is right you can also suggest marriage counselling.

Kind thoughts to you

HOW MUCH TIME IS ENOUGH TIME???

Mark h — Fri, 26 Feb 2021 06:09:10 GMT

Hi Summer Rose.

Everything you have pointed out makes complete sense and to be honest I think you are right on the ball with what I am also thinking. My wife is 49 years of age but I am not sure if she is in fact going through Menopause...I don't think so but it does fit with the age.

I have suggested marriage counselling but she isn't ready for that as yet. I really shouldn't be worried about what others think of me but she has told a very large group of friends that we are separating and they are of course rallying around her to offer support. I don't think men in general have the same network of friends as girls but that could be something very stern typical to say. The only two friends I have are both connected with my wife's friends so I have nobody to really talk to.

The kind of good news now is that she has found a place to move into next week until the place at the end of April becomes available. I think this is a good start because at least we can start the process of separation rather than being in limbo for months. Maybe in that time, she will decide to give us a chance but I dont want to hold out hope as I feel it's very 50/50 right now. I also look at stats on the internet that say once a partner moves out of the home, there's only a 15% chance of reconciliation but again that could be just internet talk which is never that reliable.

I really appreciate your support. I know I will get through this but it's very hard.

HOW MUCH TIME IS ENOUGH TIME???

Guest_3256 — Fri, 26 Feb 2021 07:42:47 GMT

Hi Mark.

Your situaution sounds very difficult and you must feel overwhelemed with emotions and confusion at the moment.

I want you to know that you are not alone, especially in these circumstances, however, it doesnt mean the end to your relastionship, if anything, depending on how you move forward through her desire to leave, this is the time for you to pause and reflect (think about) on what her feedback in the past has been.

If you want to keep your marriage, you will need to change yourself up a bit. There is a reason why she is wanting to leave and you have to dig deep and figure out what those issues are. Once you have esablished what her concerns are, work on ironing out the issues by focusing on improving yourself where needed.

This doesnt mean giving up or changing yourslf entirely, what I mean is learning to adapt to each other. This might be focusing on you, learning to be independent, taking up new hobbies, showing her some more interest but in a different way, listening to your Wife, supporting her and be willing to do things that you didnt do before.

You mentioned trust - if she doesn't trust you as a person, you need to turn this around by being a better partner and listening to what she is implying.

Maybe a romantic dinner, flowers, a nice small gift, something that shows her that you appreciate her. Sometimes, the reasons why people decide to leave a relationship (whether or not she has found someone new) is they do not feel valued or appreciated and a lot of the times we think they do, but we need to see if from their perception.

Please know that you are

HOW MUCH TIME IS ENOUGH TIME???

Summer Rose — Fri, 26 Feb 2021 08:36:03 GMT

Hi Mark

Like you, I think it’s positive that your wife has found a place to move into now. Living in the same house whilst separated would be very confusing and awkward.

However, I think it’ll be really sad and tough when she does leave. Give yourself some time to grieve and then I’d suggest getting busy.

You now have some great opportunities. One on one time with your son. Time to do some projects around the house, exercise or learn to cook new dishes. Most of all, time for reflection.

No one has a crystal ball but it’s not over yet. There is more to your story but I suspect it won’t be a straight line from A to B. You hang in there. This community has your back.

Kind thoughts to you

HOW MUCH TIME IS ENOUGH TIME???

Dadmeister — Fri, 26 Feb 2021 09:28:05 GMT

Wow Mark, thankyou again for sharing your story, believe me you are helping more people than just yourself.

Although menopause is not an exact science it seems your wife may be smack in the middle of it and it is an extremely hard time for women and their families.

I think the advice of using the time to self improve is the best. In my case my wife can’t bear to be in the same room as me so I have focussed on inner healing. I delight in spending time with my 3 daughters, cooking, reconnecting with friends and taking up new hobbies.

my life is so enriched that at present I don’t mind if my wife stays or goes. The reason for our demise is that I accused her of having an emotional affair with another man, I told his wife about it and now their marriage is also on the rocks. I would be happy for my wife to leave and move in with this other guy but i think she’s afraid of taking the step.

best Of luck sorry for hijacking your post

HOW MUCH TIME IS ENOUGH TIME???

ecomama — Fri, 26 Feb 2021 11:36:17 GMT

Hey Mark h,

I'm sorry you're in such turmoil over things atm. I've read through your entire thread.

Things your W has said piqued my motivation to respond as some similar things were said to me by ex.
20y marriage, kids still at home etc.

I'm past all that now thank God, it was hell.

I agree with Geoff in that your W could be trying to let you down softly saying IDK how long the separation may be... up to TWO YEARS.
At that point when it was said to me, I just said "Leave, I don't want you back". ex wouldn't leave, it was a total mess.

She's telling you she's having a "Free Pass" for up to 2 years (frankly that level of disrespect sickens me).
And she's spending every weekend out and expecting you to hold the fort?

Wow, that's some kind of "overblown entitlement" pretty clearly to me.
Btw you can Google that and see if it fits.

2 strategies that help so many ppl going through what you're going through are:
- The 180 and
- Gray Rock.

These are not to bring in any negativity whatsoever, but ways to show YOU how to look after yourself during this trying time.

I'd be on the blower to Men's Legal Service pronto, ask about your rights in Family Law.

Definitely the take is a 50/50 split I'd say in your situation.
I'd begin thinking about how the division of assets will go.

You may need a long while to get your ducks in a row.

I wouldn't want you to be blindsided by the next announcement.

NB: Sorry I find the potential menopause reasoning just an excuse for being disrespectful.

Take care
EM

HOW MUCH TIME IS ENOUGH TIME???

Mark h — Mon, 05 Apr 2021 23:37:55 GMT

Thanks EM

Greatly appreciate all of the feedback here and I totally agree with everything you are saying. I feel the next announcement is just around the corner if I am honest but I have slowly come to terms with this and I am actually fine with that. It is very sad of course and there is a lot to get through but I just feel anxious whenever I am around my wife currently. I found that she had pulled over $3,000 from ATM machines during the month of March alone and so I am seeing quite a large amount of deception which makes me even more anxious. At the weekend, I decided to change the password on my phone and last night when she went to look, she couldn't gain access. Now she is saying that I am hiding things from her but I am not at all. I am simply safe guarding myself and trying to protect my future. She has moved out and so I have no idea as to why she believes that she needs my phone password anyway...it's all very sad.

I really appreciate you coming back to me and I will do my best to get through this with as least amount of cuts and bruises as possible.

HOW MUCH TIME IS ENOUGH TIME???

geoff — Tue, 06 Apr 2021 00:20:53 GMT

Hi Mark, if she has withdrawn $3000 from the ATM machine without your consent, that's a large amount of money, I know you have a business together, but the amount that is allowed to be taken out needs to be modified to a less amount of money or you have split accounts, rather joint, then it doesn't worry you how much is withdrawn.

She may want to check your phone just to see whether or not you communicate with someone else, but it's a good idea.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

HOW MUCH TIME IS ENOUGH TIME???

ecomama — Tue, 06 Apr 2021 02:56:22 GMT

Hey Mark h

So she's moved out now... things are moving towards divorce then?
That's how I see it anyway.

In the eyes of Family Law you are married until you are divorced.
The "separated under one roof" is neither here nor there once your children are over 18yo.

So I'm meaning that either of you can TAKE as much money out of wherever each person WANTS to with zero repercussions in Family Law... meaning that money will never be "reconciled".

I would SHUT DOWN any and all access to monies possible.
I moved MY money to accounts in my sole name.

You are absolutely within your rights to put a lock on your phone. (this person definitely has some stuff going on).

Also you can redraw on the Mortgage and / or SHUT DOWN the redraw feature!
The financial stuff goes on and on!!

I understand there's a Men's Legal Service or Law Access you can call for FREE Family Law (FL) advice.

If I were you, I would move fast to firstly have the FREE 30 min FL spiel from a Family Lawyer of your choice and this move "secures" that Lawyer should you need them in the future.
You are NOT obligated to engage the Lawyer at all (no matter what they say).
Basically, by doing this, you will have "conflicted her out" of engaging that lawyer.

You may find that exW has already seen multiple FLs and conflicted YOU out (this happened to me for 200klm worth of FLs except for ONE who I'd used 20y before... so inadvertently conflicted EX out).

Then PLEASE use all the free advice you can muster.

Good luck!
EM

HOW MUCH TIME IS ENOUGH TIME???

Summer Rose — Tue, 06 Apr 2021 06:56:16 GMT

Hi Mark

I was really saddened to read your update.

I think you did the right thing to protect your privacy by changing your phone password. Your estranged wife has no right to snoop in your phone.

Did you ask her why she withdrew the money? Did she raise the issue? She would have to know that you know.

I don’t think it wise to let the issue just sit there. It could be that she assumes the money from the joint account should be available to her to fund her new life.

Did you ever discuss how she was going to afford to move out? Does she still pay a share of the mortgage or rent? Is she contributing to the cost of raising your son?

Maybe it’s a good time to discuss the financial side of the new arrangement before things get out of hand.

However, if you’ve discussed it and she’s breeched your arrangement, then immediately move to protect your finances as others have suggested.

How are you managing through you elevated anxiety? Do you have professional support?

Kind thoughts to you

HOW MUCH TIME IS ENOUGH TIME???

Mark h — Tue, 06 Apr 2021 11:58:19 GMT

Thanks to all of you for your words and support. It’s all very raw right now.

I did speak to my wife about the money and she claimed that she didn’t know she had taken so much. Alarm bells started ringing. That’s one of the reasons I changed my phone passcode. My 15 year old son also uses my phone to control our TV in the house, so I didn’t want him to see legal info etc I am searching on the internet. I don’t want him involved in this.

I know now that my wife is hiding money where she is now living and it’s not about that. I really don’t care if she took the money. It’s now more that my daily anxiety is so great, I am struggling to operate. I know people go through a lot worse than this and so I have to be thankful but I think the best way for both parties is to now move on.

Summer Rose, I am seeing a great psychologist and also a seperate life coach but no matter how many times I am told to find my own happiness and new group of friends, it’s really not that easy. Whilst it’s sad and hard, I think I need to call this and let both of us find some happiness in all of this.

I have no intention in finding someone new, I haven’t met anybody else and right now, I just need to start planning the rest of my life and bring the best version of myself I can be.

what are your thoughts everyone?

HOW MUCH TIME IS ENOUGH TIME???

Guest_3256 — Tue, 06 Apr 2021 23:08:40 GMT

Hi buddy.

Just wounder, honestly, do you still love her?

HOW MUCH TIME IS ENOUGH TIME???

ecomama — Tue, 06 Apr 2021 23:39:42 GMT

Dear Mark h

All that "finding your OWN happiness and new group of friends" stuff is just white noise to you at the moment.

You are going through a MOMENTOUS life changing and sometimes loooong event.
All that mentioned to you is about "later"... for now you need to stabilise yourself with Counsel from a Family Lawyer and get your head around the CURRENT situation.

ExW will be taking anything she can because she can... and sure I get it, you don't care about the money right now... but when you need to get the marriage dissolved you WILL...

my legal battle probably cost $75 000 to resolve... haven't added it all up and don't want to lol!

Then "buying ex out" was another $70k.

By then ex had weasled hundreds of thousands out of accounts... the planning was decades long.

SO organising all your paperwork is of paramount importance right now..
Locking access down to all accounts is VERY important.

I understand it's the same in all States, you'll need to book in with Relationships Australia or some other organisation for Mediation for Parenting and Property.

Having any "proposed orders" you gain from Mediation (if that happens!) NEEDS to get approved and converted to Consent Orders via a Family Law Court to secure your future. Otherwise she can keep coming back for more money and believe me this happens.

I'm very sorry to say this but I found Psychologists completely out of touch with the trauma of separation, divorce and Courts.
You can halt the Life Coach for afterwards!
I went with a Counsellor experienced with DV / FV and still have her... she was FANTASTIC through all those years of "yuck stuff".

Tbh IF you are prepping the personal and professional property for FL, you won't have time for anyone else in your life.

Once this is behind you, THEN you can venture, CREATE and experience your wonderful new life.

With you all the way buddy, keep up the great work.
Eating well and caring for yourself is extremely important right now.

HOW MUCH TIME IS ENOUGH TIME???

Summer Rose — Wed, 07 Apr 2021 01:31:37 GMT

Hi Mark

I’m so pleased to learn that you have a solid support team in place. What you’re going through is really tough and we all know how critical it is to have professional support. Well done to you.

I can’t tell you what to do with regard to your marriage. It’s a significant decision and you and your family will all have to live with the consequences, not me. But I will unconditionally support whatever decision you make.

I think Jsua poses a good question for your consideration. I would like to ask another, what’s the best path to safeguard your mental health?

Living with anxiety is challenging and you must protect your ability to function, as far as it’s possible for you to influence. Good sleep hygiene. Healthy balanced diet. Plenty of golf or other exercise. Staying connected with friends. Quality time with your son. Reduced stress. Joyful hobbies like your singing to balance out the pain.

You need to do what’s best for you right now.

Kind thoughts to you

HOW MUCH TIME IS ENOUGH TIME???

Mark h — Fri, 09 Apr 2021 06:16:38 GMT

It's a great question isn't it. A lot of me still loves her but as time moves on, I know I can be on my own and still function / manage everything. Initially I was sobbing trying to get her back but now I don't cry anymore. It's deeply sad after all these years and I had my faults too for sure but I think I am at peace with moving on and building a new life. Thanks Jsua! It's a question my healthcare professionals have asked me too!