topic What should I do, please help in Relationship and family issues

What should I do, please help

Hun — Sun, 20 Mar 2022 05:26:15 GMT

So I am the same person that said about my partner won't divorce his ex, when I met my partner I knew he still have kids living at home, they are adult, one he moved out now we have his daughter she is 22 and her boyfriend 25 living with us, he have a strong connection with this daughter which is nice, every time I buy anything or move stuff she question that even if I want to buy anything I have to buy something she approve of it, don't get me wrong she is nice and I like her but we all have to pleased her even her boyfriend. They never wash do anything around the house unless they have been asked, they live downstairs they clean it but if the bring a dish they leave it in the sink. My question is should I ask my partner in one year or 2 can we down size so hopefully they move out, I want my own place to do whatever I want, I am tired of watching my steps or move just in case she doesn't like it. Please any advice will be helpful.

What should I do, please help

Sophia16 — Sun, 20 Mar 2022 09:04:22 GMT

Hi Hun,

Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you are exhausted and conflicted.

It can be hard to live with adult children. Especially when they don't clean up after themselves.

Have you asked to tell your partner how you feel about living with his daughter? He may agree to move out. You should ask whenever you feel ready and comfortable.

Stay safe and i am always here to chat.

What should I do, please help

Hun — Sun, 20 Mar 2022 09:43:01 GMT

Hi Sophie

I don't know how to ask him that without make him upset, he is very kind and he doesn't like to ask them to move out, to be honest it doesn't worry me if I know they are staying for a year or two but every time she is talking, it looks like she doesn't want to leave, everytime if I move something or buy something new for the house I feel I have been judged. I give you an example my partner ex she likes status and they were in the garden I don't like them so I moved them his daughter came and she start mumbling stuff and she took one of the status and put it back and when I asked my partner he said that he said to her that she can choose one if she wants, see what I mean I don't feel I can do things without her interfering, I know it is her house but I am paying rent to my partner. I do all the cooking with no complaints.

What should I do, please help

Sophia16 — Sun, 20 Mar 2022 09:59:58 GMT

It sounds like you are doing a lot for the household and they aren't providing the same effort back.

I know you think it will make your partner angry by speaking to him, but expressing how you feel in a household you are paying rent for seems like the best option. You deserve better, everyone is human. Remember, communication is key 🙂

The daughter seems very comfortable living in her father's home. I don't think she will move out unless her father says something about it.

What should I do, please help

Hun — Sun, 20 Mar 2022 10:07:51 GMT

Thanks Sophie. I will talk to him sometimes this week

What should I do, please help

Sophia16 — Sun, 20 Mar 2022 10:30:34 GMT

Let me know how everything goes 🙂

Good luck!

What should I do, please help

Juliet_84 — Mon, 21 Mar 2022 00:58:13 GMT

Hi hun,

I think there are deeper issues here for all of you and that may be why there is this resistance etc from his daughter. Regarding the statues, I think it may be more what it represents to his daughter. Children of divorce often have a worry that they are being replaced or will no longer be “number 1” in their dad’s eyes. And new partners often struggle with what is seen as a lack of respect for their position because of these behaviors or the feeling that they aren’t as important as the family unit so have a desire to assert control. You will need to navigate this situation fairly carefully. I would warn against butting heads with his daughter, as although that may be the natural inclination, it will undoubtedly cause issues with your partner and may even be a dealbreaker for him. The reality is that his children aren’t going anywhere, they may move out of his house but will always be heavily in his life, so you need to find a way to get on with them. I know this is not easy but perhaps start slowly and work your way up to taking her out for the day to do something that she likes.

What should I do, please help

Juliet_84 — Mon, 21 Mar 2022 00:59:50 GMT

That being said, if your daughter is 22 and her partner is 25 hopefully you can expect them to move out in the near future. Although property prices have made life difficult for younger generations now.

What should I do, please help

tranzcrybe — Mon, 21 Mar 2022 02:34:21 GMT

Sorry if I sound a bit confused, but are you in a relationship, a tenant, or servant?
These things are mutually exclusive and it would help to clearly identify your status (for yourself) to know where you stand and how much weight your input carries in household affairs.

It might be time for a 'family conference' around the table for all to air their grievances, make peace/compromise/resolution, and move forward with clear consciences. It's a complicated situation indeed that will require tact and patience to find your place.

What should I do, please help

jaz28 — Mon, 21 Mar 2022 04:18:00 GMT

Hi Hun,

Sorry to hear. Surely soon they will move out, but the housing market atm is terrible - way too expensive. Have they tried to move out?

Have you talked to your partner about this? You cannot be expected to clean up after 20+-year-old adults, my mother would never let me get away with that (I am 20, nearly 21).

I think you should talk to your partner, your honesty will surely be appreciated. Try to make it seem like it's not an attack on their parenting though.

Hope things improve,

jaz xx

What should I do, please help

Hun — Mon, 21 Mar 2022 09:09:32 GMT

I Was thinking about it today, I am hesitant to ask him as you said it might be a deal breaker not for him but for me, I don't want to loose him but at the same time I don't want to live in the shadow of his ex. My mind going everywhere I don't know what to do. I am trying so hard with his daughter believe me and I do like her and treat her like my own kid but again everything we do it is all about her, we watch movie she likes, when we eat out it have to be what she likes, christmas decoration she did it I didn't have any say in anything, whatever we buy, he said oh she might not like the color even when we sit have dinner or we go out he keep looking at her hardly looking at me and one day I said why you keep looking at her his reply was can't I look at my own daughter.

What should I do, please help

Hun — Mon, 21 Mar 2022 10:38:42 GMT

Ok everyone I did talk to him, it went OK I didn't say everything, I just said about down size in few years and he was thinking the same, I think I will try to be more involved with his daughter and hope for the best and if I still not happy and it doesn't feel right I guess I will pack my bag and leave

What should I do, please help

Juliet_84 — Mon, 21 Mar 2022 11:41:07 GMT

Hi hun,

That must be very tough. It sounds as though you are being incredibly understanding and are trying but are not being made to feel secure in the situation at all. Regarding his daughter, she sounds quite self-absorbed, which isn’t particularly surprising at this age. But maybe you can gently say to her “you’ve picked the last 5 movies, how about we go see one that I want this time” to get your point across and make her aware. That being said, if your partner was being loving and paying you enough attention and making you feel secure, then I don’t think it would bother you as much. It is good that he agreed about the downsizing though.
As an aside, I am quite surprised that you are paying rent - fair enough contributing to household expenses etc as you are living there but paying rent feels like you are being treated like a flatmate. At the end of the day you will know how you feel in the relationship and make a decision based off that. He may always treat his “family” first and you a distant second and that may not be enough for you. And that’s ok, I think I would feel the same as it creates an unnecessary divide when you are trying to merge lives together and hardly seems like a team.

What should I do, please help

geoff — Mon, 21 Mar 2022 14:51:02 GMT

Hello Hun, 'if it is her house' then you don't know whether she will want to sell it or redecorate it before it's sold.

You need to remember if you plan to have your partner for a long time, then you should be able to talk freely with each other, otherwise much later on there will be something you need to speak to him about, but if this hasn't happened before it's going to be more difficult.

You can't marry him with his daughter and b/friend in tow, because how can you decide anything, if he has to check with his daughter first, and eventually she may have children, then who is going to do most of the work.

I appreciate he wants to look after his daughter, but there may come a time when she wants to change, but your partner doesn't.

Best wishes.

Geoff.