topic Husband left me in Relationship and family issues

Husband left me

Odette-1 — Tue, 03 Dec 2019 11:28:45 GMT

Hey all. I really need to vent in a safe space. Last week my husband of 15 years left me and our son and our dog. He says he loves me but is not in love with me and needs to figure out what he’s going to do with the rest of his life. My son and I were in tears and he conducted himself so coldly. Basically said that how he feels is more important than us. I am so tired and so scared. I’ve been a stay at home mum for 19 years and have no real work experience. I’m scared I won’t be able to provide for my 13 year old. He’s turning 40 next year and I’m thinking it might be a mid life crisis. I had one but I didn’t turn my back on my family, whenever I tried to leave he’s manipulate me into staying. Getting my friends to text me to tell me that I was doing the wrong thing. But now that he wants to go, there’s no stopping him. I just don’t know what to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Especially from those who have come out the other side.

Husband left me

smallwolf — Tue, 03 Dec 2019 12:28:59 GMT

Hi Odette,

welcome to beyond blue. I don't really know what to say to you - they way you described it, it sounds as though you were not provided with any real explanation of what happened. And now you are in the position of not really know what to do next.

It is easy to say that he should provide financial support for his child, and there may be work opportunities for you, yet that would not help you with the emotional pain you would be feeling at the present moment, and for your son as well.

Please note this is a space to talk or vent - there are others users who have been in similar positions to yourself, who will accept and support you in this time.

Have you been able to talk to any family or friends about what happened?

What sort of outcome do you want?

Tim

Husband left me

Jayne106 — Tue, 03 Dec 2019 19:56:28 GMT

I feel your pain
My husband of 17 years has just said the exact same to me and moved out. You can search my thread and read the story if you wish and comment on their and we can try to support each other.
I also have 2 boys and they are devastated and have no idea why their father would do this to us. We were a very loving family.
I was told the same.... I love you as the mother of our children but not as a husband should love his wife!
My husband is 43 and his mother told me she believed this was a mid life crisis but who knows. It didn't make the person left behind feel any better.
As everyone keeps telling me... take care of yourself as we need to be strong for our children. Easier said than done some days.
My boys refuse to have any contact with their father.
I really hope you can speak with him and maybe suggest some counselling to start you off.
Have you been able to speak with him if he is willing to work on it?

Husband left me

Blackrabbit — Wed, 04 Dec 2019 02:26:40 GMT

Hi Odette,
Thats an awful situation you find yourself in.

The circumstances are probably quite different, but I went through a difficult separation about a year ago.

I could perhaps offer you all kinds of sensible advice, but none of it eases the pain and fear and anger that you are experiencing now. I really feel for you.

The anger and resentment that you might be feeling towards your husband at the moment takes up a lot of energy.
If you can, try and reclaim a bit of that energy and do something for yourself each day.

Even if its just spending 5 minutes venting on an internet forum, just something for yourself, not the kids, not the dog and not the husband. Just you.

Not much help I know, but whatever the outcome you'll get through this.
Maybe not unscathed, but through it.

Take care

Husband left me

Odette-1 — Wed, 04 Dec 2019 11:05:25 GMT

Hi Tim,

I do have family that I can talk too. But they really care about him. And have only seen the ‘good’ side of him. We had an argument, not unlike we have had before but this time he just packed his things and left. Then told me he loves me but is not in love with me stuff. I was blindsided. I just don’t know what to do. Being in the thick of it and my emotions are so full on. I’m just tired and scared for the future.

Husband left me

Odette-1 — Wed, 04 Dec 2019 11:09:02 GMT

He is not willing to work on it. He thinks we have drifted too far apart and doesn’t want to do anything to get us back together. Including counselling. You’re right, the person left behind cops all of it. While off he goes off and has all the freedom of the world. I’m so sorry it’s happened to you too. It’s the worst feeling, thinking you’re incapable of being loved or in any way loveable. And all the time wasted.

Husband left me

Odette-1 — Wed, 04 Dec 2019 11:12:16 GMT

I guess it being so raw does make it hard to see any benefits of what he’s done. I have the dog and the son to look after, while trying to navigate an entire new way of life at his behest. 3 weeks ago if someone told me I’d be doing this, I would have thought they were crazy. But this is where I am, and it sucks. I guess I can at least focus on raising our son and trying to better our lives. It just seems so daunting.

Husband left me

Jayne106 — Wed, 04 Dec 2019 11:20:34 GMT

It is all very daunting and some days I am not sure where to start and how to continue but I then look at the boys and have to pick myself up.
I think the time of year also isn't helping. So many memories of great times together at xmas and knowing we won't this year.
I Tell myself to feel 1% better than the day before and hopefully this will help. We are here for you. I try to make it to 9.30pm each night then have a melt down.

Husband left me

smallwolf — Wed, 04 Dec 2019 12:55:19 GMT

Hi. How are you feeling today? From your last post to me you said you were very tired. I suppose there also a feeling of emptiness as well? A person who was a large part of your life is no longer there? And whether there is anger or sadness over what has happened also recognise your strength - not just in coming here but in your roles as wife and mother. What would you like to talk about?

Tim

Husband left me

B_bear — Wed, 04 Dec 2019 15:31:02 GMT

Hi Odette

My wife left ten months ago, quite suddenly.

I understand how difficult it can be. It’s the most trying thing I’ve been through by far.

But with time, day by day you will recover. I still have some bad weeks as we are now going through all the “joy” of a custody dispute but as far as the relationship I once had, I don’t mourn for it anywhere near what I did.

For me, focusing on my children and bettering myself for them made a massive difference to recovering and feeling better.

My main advice is this. Don’t hold onto resentment and anger even if warranted. Initial days and months that will be hard not to do, but I’ve let go and feel so much better for doing so. My life is consumed in moving forward with my kids, transitioning into a new lifestyle. Bit by holding a grudge. The other half didn’t and unfortunately is finding this process now harder than me even though she initiated it.

I wish you all the best during this difficult time. The fact your child is your focus will help you push through this and out the other side eventually.

Husband left me

Odette-1 — Wed, 04 Dec 2019 20:36:00 GMT

Thanks for all the replies. I don’t really know what to do. I am sad that he’s gone. That he could do it. I’m mourning our dreams and I’m mourning the old shape of our family. My daughter (from a previous relationship) who has been his step child since she was 3 told me that she doesn’t think he ever loved her. Which was quite brutal to hear. She thinks good riddance to bad rubbish. I am very full of anger and hate. But I’m careful not to expose that in front of our son. I do love my husband, I want him to wake up to himself about what’s going on internally with him. And get help, at least if he does he can make a choice based on reality instead of this fog he appears to be in.

Husband left me

Blackrabbit — Wed, 04 Dec 2019 22:16:22 GMT

Good morning Odette,
Its good to see you here again.

I hope you can find a little bit of goodness in today.
You mentioned that you felt like you were in mourning. I remember that feeling too.

I still feel it a bit now a year on. Like other kinds of grief it doesn't seem to go away, but it changes over time.

I know how daunted and worried you must feel, plus all those feelings of anger and rejection. Its bloody awful.

For myself, all those negative feelings clouded my judgement a bit and helped me make a few poor decisions.

If I could offer any advice I'd say try not to make any big decisions right now, while its really tough.
Wait until you feel a bit more settled and in control.

Day by day mate.
Take care.

Husband left me

Odette-1 — Thu, 05 Dec 2019 02:25:27 GMT

Thank you. I haven’t been able to sleep properly and I’m quite an emotionally charged person as it is. So hiding how I’m feeling is not easy for me. I am taking it day by day, it is so hard. I don’t want to keep on crying or dissecting every little thing that occurred in our marriage. That’s the real mind game, wondering if any of it was true. Whether he did things out of love or not. I suppose it all doesn’t matter now. I need some time to work things out. Once that’s all done, I think I will be unstable for a while but it will work out.

Husband left me

Blackrabbit — Thu, 05 Dec 2019 04:09:09 GMT

Ha Ha, yes Odette, I wear my heart on my sleeve too!
Never sure if its a blessing or a curse.

I would lie awake all night going over every little thing.
I got to the point where I doubted if the good and positive things in the marriage even existed.
But they did. I know that now.

I would lie there thinking "when did it go wrong?" and would go further and further back until I'd convinced myself that it went wrong because we'd met in the first place.

What you're going through is a really big deal and its ok to feel a bit off-kilter and a bit unstable.

If things get really tough the telephone helplines are good. The one at the bottom of the page here is probably a good place to start if you feel you need it.

I hope you manage to get a bit of rest tonight.

Keep on keeping on!

Husband left me

Odette-1 — Thu, 05 Dec 2019 04:56:55 GMT

Just adding that I spoke to my husband today and it’s pretty clear that he’s blaming me for everything. Like everything. He left because of me, it’s my fault for texting him, it’s my fault for not giving him space, it’s my fault for giving our son false hope that we’ll get back together. At this point I feel like he’s just waiting for me to say it’s absolutely over, so that he can blame our entire relationships demise on me. I’m not going to do that. But I am going to live my life as if he’s never coming back. That way, he can make his decision and live with his choice without having the luxury of flipping it back on me.

Husband left me

smallwolf — Thu, 05 Dec 2019 21:21:27 GMT

There is some determination in those words.

You should also realise that you are not to blame - If everything was as your husband indicates, how come he did not or could not communicate this to you? Communication between partners in the relationship is very important and managing the ups and downs. Unfortunately it sounds as though in his version of the world, it might have been easier to walk away rather than talking about what he perceived as issues a long tine ago?

On false hope - one thing I don't say is never as I don't really know what will happen in the future. It is also natural / normal to the optimistic in some conversations. What did you say you say to your son? If you don't know what is happening, then what should you say? (That's a rhetorical question)

A number of thoughts and emotions will come and go as you and your son readjust to what has happened. Please remember there are people here who care about you and talk to you. If that is not enough, there are friends, family and professional options.

Anyway I hope you have a good weekend in case I don't see you before then.

Tim

Husband left me

Odette-1 — Thu, 05 Dec 2019 21:32:55 GMT

My husband doesn’t talk very much. He doesn’t speak to me really about how he is feeling. And if I talk to him about mine, he literally just says the opposite. For example, I’ll say, we are having problems and you’re not really talking to me. To which he’ll reply, I do talk to you. And then that’s it. It has made it almost impossible for me to bring up anything I feel. So I talk to my female friends about it instead.

Yesterday he basically made out that I’m the one who’s caused all of our problems, and I apologised to which he answered I don’t think sorry will cut it this time and then abruptly ended the conversation. We both have been imperfect in our marriage, but there’s been no cheating etc. I’m just at a loss for what to do, so I’m doing only what I can which is to focus on our son.

Thank you Tim. I hope you have a good weekend too.

Husband left me

Odette-1 — Sun, 08 Dec 2019 09:02:32 GMT

Just spent an hour talking with him. He just comes across as so angry and it’s so hard to communicate with someone when they’re not listening. We are going to see a marriage Counsellor. He is going to organise it. I don’t know if I’m wasting my time. I feel so drained.

Husband left me

Katyonthehamsterwheel — Sun, 08 Dec 2019 09:49:39 GMT

Hey there. So sorry you're going through all this. It's frustrating when people won't communicate, so if he's willing to go to marriage counselling that's sounds like a positive.

I hope you're able to practice a little self care for now. Having recently gone through a break up myself, I know how emotionally tiring it is. My GP recommended a meditation app calling Smiling Mind to help slow my thoughts down, and also gave me a script for something natural to help me sleep. Just a suggestion. My thoughts are with you. Katy

Husband left me

Odette-1 — Sun, 08 Dec 2019 21:43:52 GMT

Thank you Katy. I’ll give that app a go. It’s been the hardest time of my life thus far. When I look at him, he just seems enraged and doesn’t seem to take anything in. It’s really difficult. I care about him, I care about my family, I’m also extremely disappointed that we are going through this. I feel bad for my son and I feel really bad for our dog. Our dog sits on his spot and just looks so sad, at least with my son I can tell him what’s going on. Can’t do that with the pooch. My mums upset also, I feel like he doesn’t have to deal with any of the consequences. And I’m stuck here holding it altogether. I have to accept this as my reality, and that life is rarely fair.