topic Marriage failing because of cheating wife in Relationship and family issues

Marriage failing because of cheating wife

Toretto — Thu, 30 Jan 2020 06:36:41 GMT

Hi, i've been with my wife for over 21 years and we have a large family together. It's been 2 years since her last affair and i still can't lose the bad memories / thoughts and end up feeling anxious and depressed. And 2 years later i'm still on anti depressants because of her.

She has cheated on me twice that i know of. The last time was the worst and has affected me the most (she still works at the same place as him). We went to marriage counselling and individual counselling for about 6 months to try and get past it. We stopped counselling as she said that she'd had enough and we didn't need it anymore.

I know the old saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" and i can definitely see that, as it's already happened twice that i know of.

I'm at a point where i don't want to put myself all out there for our relationship as i don't want to get hurt like that again. I've been trying to distance myself from her a little and she has noticed that i've been acting "different". Now she is constantly tagging me in social media posts and photos and trying to be nice.

I really dont know what to do. We have a large family with mortgage, loans, etc, etc. so i know it's going to be very messy. She is the type who will take me for everything and be really nasty.

Thanks

Marriage failing because of cheating wife

Guest_3256 — Thu, 30 Jan 2020 06:50:47 GMT

Oh em Gee Toretto I am so sorry to hear of your situation and applaud you for giving her some distance because it seems to be working. From a personal experience, I have learnt that there is some kind of art to taking 'control' of a situation and in a relationship.

This is really good because you are focusing on yourself more and showing her that you can be independent. Your partner needs to learn that it's not right and that it's a form abuse to be participating in infidelity. She also needs to see that you are her partner and that she needs to care and love you. You kind of need to have her claw you back in and may be after you have played the 'distant' game, hone in on her and try spicing up your relationship with some exciting things, that you [both] enjoy.

You can do it buddy and remember what attracted you to her in the beginning, aye.

Good luck. 🙂

Marriage failing because of cheating wife

Mary_2 — Thu, 30 Jan 2020 07:18:07 GMT

Toretto,

I empathise ++ with the place you now find yourself and family in. Similar situation faced 3years ago after 18years together, 14years marriage and x4 children. Unfortunately I still continue to love my husband but could no longer live with his choices.

The impact of infidelity is huge. I agree it’s their ongoing behaviour and interactions that give any hope of a real reconciliation a squash. After his 1st affair he to refused to quit his place of employment. I sought counselling alone and stayed for 2years.

Cutting it short, similar to when she said “she’d had enough”.

My turning point: was after months of requesting individual, or marriage counselling for himself it was constant refusal... without explanation. The final straw was his comment “Yes I’ll go, but if you choose the wrong therapist”

It’s a no win, control from them means making everything your responsible or fault. Whether it is our individual behaviour or it is their own. They need to commit to working on themselves and the relationship at home.

I didn’t need another child, so separated and moved myself & kids out. Crappy time but my focus was on my children, what they were living with and my own example as role model.

We are now amicable and all settled.

Funnily enough he still works same place, has had x3 other GF’s since separation. Sure they are all being cheated too.

You and children deserve better!!

I wish you all best

Mary

PS. I found Lee Baucom (the break up stopper) some articles, podcasts etc.gave me hope and insight into relationships and infidelity.

Marriage failing because of cheating wife

Betternow — Thu, 30 Jan 2020 07:53:38 GMT

You have my sympathy Toretto, and I'm sure all the regular readers here that have suffered like you, will agree.

It is not easy to get over the hurt, betrayal and disappointment of having your life partner cheat twice. I can't tell you what to do because I don't understand or know the secrets and special day to day interactions you enjoy with your wife. The fact that you are on medication that you say is due to your wife's infidelity is a worry.

I can tell you what I think I would do. If your wife has never apologised, never asked forgiveness and you still feel the trust factor is gone, I would end the marriage. Blunt I know but you don't sound in a good place and staying in the marriage for the sake of the kids and mortgage is not a good basis for happiness.

Marriage failing because of cheating wife

Toretto — Thu, 30 Jan 2020 09:01:52 GMT

Thank you all for your replies.

It definitely isn't easy to get over or try to push it away from your memory. Any little thing that happens, her phone going off all the time or her on her phone all the time still gets my mind thinking that something isn't right.

We still do things together and as a family but it's just not the same anymore. The feelings i used to have for her have changed a lot, i can't open up to her because it just doesn't feel right anymore.

Still to this day since she cheated the second time she has never said "i love you" back to me when i've said it to her many times. I now never say it to her and she never says it to me either.

I'm worried that if i do decide to stay, that in a few more years time the same thing will happen and i will be saying to myself that i should of left before it happened again.

I don't know why i remember her saying this but a long time ago (10+ years ago) she said that after our kids were all grown up we probably wouldn't be together because we wouldn't have anything in common. Majority of stuff we do are for our kids. This can't be a normal way of thinking.

I never thought i would be put in a shitty situation like this....again.

Marriage failing because of cheating wife

Guest_3256 — Fri, 31 Jan 2020 02:50:07 GMT

Hey Toretto.

You sound like a really nice guy so try not to think that it's all on you. It can be an overwhelming feeling especially if little things are triggering you like her phone 'going off' or her saying things. Your Wife's actions are in no way a reflection on you.

Can I ask what type of support you have received so far?

Marriage failing because of cheating wife

Toretto — Tue, 04 Feb 2020 08:20:56 GMT

Hi Jsua,

The olny support i had was the counselling sessions i was going to. And i've aslo been speaking to a few friends who have gone through something similar.

Marriage failing because of cheating wife

Trying19 — Tue, 04 Feb 2020 11:03:12 GMT

Hi Toretto

You are very strong and thoughtful to be thinking the way you are

I have just found out my husband was having an affair with someone from his work. The extent of the lying and lengths he went to are something that I can’t seem to fathom.

We had some issues with intimacy and affection prior to the affair but generally our marriage was happy. We have two children and I am currently 7 months pregnant which is escalating emotions and I just can’t believe He would do this to me and our family.

he has agreed to go to counselling with me and for himself. But I am struggling to feel the commitment from him and he has said he does not have the love for him.

do you think I am pushing an uphill battle I will never win? Do you wish you left after the first affair?

I am struggling to find any strength in what to do

Marriage failing because of cheating wife

Toretto — Wed, 05 Feb 2020 02:20:25 GMT

Hi Trying19,

It is the worst thing that i have ever gone through and I definitely should of left the first time. If i had of left i wouldn't be going through this again in my life.

What i worked out is that she went to great lengths to hide what she was doing and how she did it. They were working together, meeting before and after work in different locations, acting very differently towards me and everyone else.

Intimacy was a major thing i noticed as it stopped all together, while she was getting it elsewhere...

I had to force her to go to counselling because she didn't want to go. I really should of left there and then but it's not as easy as that especially when there are kids involved.

I think you will be pushing an uphill battle because the affair will always be in the back of your mind. To this day and it's been over 2 years i still get very anxious and depressed over what happened and knowing that they still work in the same place.

I asked her to leave and find a different job but she said that she would never get a job that pays that good and that she didn't want to leave. So basically shes putting money over our relationship and not caring about the way i have been feeling since it happened.

Does your husband still work at the same place as her? Does he still have contact with her?

I asked my wife all these questions and more and no matter her answer i still can't believe a word she says. She broke my trust and it's so so hard to build it back up.

A relationship is like a glass, once it's broken you can try and glue it back together but you will always see the cracks....

Marriage failing because of cheating wife

Trying19 — Wed, 05 Feb 2020 09:07:15 GMT

Hi Toretto

I can relate to so much of what you have said. It’s the hardest thing in the world going through this and having children involved is terrible.

I really appreciate the honest about leaving the first time. It’s my head and heart tearing me two different ways at the moment.

When I lay in bed at night I constantly play back all the lies and times he would have been with her. The lengths that they go through to hide from everyone around them is unbelievable. The cheating was so planned and calculated and it’s so hard to imagine forgiving him.

She has left their workplace, he has said all contact has been cut but I’m still very curious

I am willing to try and make things work but in order to do that I need him to show remorse and try and show that I could one day have some trust in him - he is just yet to show that.

Are there any other recommendations or advise you would give?

Marriage failing because of cheating wife

Toretto — Thu, 06 Feb 2020 00:41:56 GMT

I had the same feelings and i should of gone with my head not my heart. But at the time you just want the pain and hurt to go away.

Times when im alone or laying in bed i also play back what happened or if it's happening again and can't believe i've given her chances. They will just become more sneaky the next time it happens.

He will need to show you remorse and own up to what he's done to you and your family, as my wife still hasn't apologised or shown any remorse.

According to her it was my fault that she cheated....

If i were you i'd go and see my own counsellor. But If you think that it's worth it and you want to give your marriage a second shot maybe also see a marriage counsellor together.

It will be very hard and take a long time for you to gain any trust back.

Marriage failing because of cheating wife

Betternow — Thu, 06 Feb 2020 03:30:43 GMT

Hi Toretto

There is quite a wide body of literature on the internet that describes the healing processes involved when a partner has cheated in a marriage. I’m not referring to junk sites full of angry betrayed people baying for revenge but sites that can quote research and psychological trends.

My reading of the quality literature says that betrayal is not necessarily the end of a marriage. There are so many variables between cases so it is nearly impossible to predict the future.

However, one piece of consistent behaviour that does not bode well for the long prospects of a marriage are these:

No authentic apology or expression of remorse. They may say they are sorry for the hurt they’ve caused but are they sorry for having the affair? This is not a good sign.

They tend to blame shift. If you had been a better husband/wife I wouldn’t have been “forced “ into cheating. They use the passive sentence structure “people make mistakes, life has its ups and downs” “I need time out, I can’t think straight at the moment”

They become impatient and don’t allow you to express your feelings. Don’t start up on it again, when are you going to get over it? Can we just move on?

I wish I knew these things when my wife was unfaithful many years ago. Like the gullible, naive fool I was, I stuck it out (for the children’s sake mainly) and she carried on with her lovers for another 6 months. The damage couldn’t be repaired and we divorced.

Trying19 might find this interesting too.

Good luck to both of you.

Marriage failing because of cheating wife

Trying19 — Thu, 06 Feb 2020 05:47:27 GMT

Thanks Betternow, this is very helpful

Do you have any links or names of the literature you refer to?

Marriage failing because of cheating wife

Betternow — Thu, 06 Feb 2020 06:12:50 GMT

I will do it tomorrow. Going out tonight. Glad you found some comfort from my post.

stay well.

Marriage failing because of cheating wife

Betternow — Fri, 07 Feb 2020 00:06:23 GMT

Hi Trying19

I don't want to imply that all the answers to life's questions can be found on the internet. Everyone seems to have a slightly different take on what is useful and what is not. From my own experience, I found reading some of the quality literature gave me a deeper understand of human behaviour. This in turn helped me to process what was going on in my own life which was an inability to come to terms that my wife was a serial cheater.

I think it best if you do your own research because I don't want to send you in the wrong direction or overly influence your quest for answers but here are three websites that host blogs written by professionals that may help. Once you are in the website, just type in key words to the search bar and you could spend days reading the literature.

I have used Psychology Today, Mayo Clinic and Infidelity Recovery Institute but you will probably expand your search interests once you start digging.

Good luck.